The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  you can t expect a man to booze from morning

  until night and feel quite nimble

  in his shoes and add his figures right oh boss

  you ask too much of us we have no flair for toil

  we d rather daily dally thus imbibing joyful oil

  you can t expect a man to souse

  and do work for your business house so do not be unjust

  twere more like reason if they said such words

  unto their bosses than tear the hair

  and beat the head and blame luck

  for their losses

  archy

  the sad crickets

  well boss it may

  surprise you to learn

  that a cricket does not

  sing to be cheerful

  as chas dickens believed

  he sings because he

  feels so melancholy i

  asked one with whom

  i have become well

  acquainted what his song

  meant and he

  replied

  there are no words

  to go with

  that music but the

  music is sad i

  make that music these

  hot nights because i

  have prickly heat

  and there is nothing else

  to do and another

  cricket said yes

  our song is sad i am

  not troubled by the

  heat but my song is

  melancholy too the words to

  my song said the second

  cricket are as follows

  and he repeated them for

  me to wit

  my love fell into a spiders web

  squeak squeak squeak

  and she screamed with pain as he

  crunched her bones into his

  bloody beak squeak squeak

  squeak yes i said that is

  sad very sad said the

  cricket but not as sad as the

  second stanza which goes

  as follows my love got caught in

  the crack of the door squeak

  squeak squeak and i think with

  grief of the way she died whenever

  i hear it creak

  squeak squeak squeak

  whenever i hear it creak

  squeak squeak squeak

  that brings tears to my eyes

  i said yes he said

  there is nothing you could call

  jolly about the

  second stanza nor the

  third fourth and fifth stanzas

  friend i said

  hurriedly let me hear the

  last stanza

  he looked at me as if

  i had struck him

  and hurried off with

  tears in his gentle eyes

  one thing that

  makes crickets so

  melancholy is that

  they have the artistic

  temperament

  archy

  fond recollections

  boss i saw a

  pitiful sight yesterday i

  was crawling across the

  ruins of an old house that

  the workmen are tearing

  down up town and

  i saw a middle

  aged man sitting on a

  pile of bricks with

  his gray hair in his hands he

  was weeping and moaning

  and i gathered from his

  remarks that the place was once

  a boarding house where

  he had spent

  many happy years i caught

  a few strophes of his

  song of woe as

  follows

  o workman spare that bathtub o

  that bathtub made of zinc

  that bathtub in the boarding house

  that i lived in for years

  fond recollections of

  my youth surge oer

  me when i think

  upon that bathtub in that

  boarding house and i

  choke up with tears

  when splashing of a Sunday

  morn a peevish voice and surly

  would tell me to make

  haste and be

  myself again adorning

  throughout the week it

  had few friends

  but o on sunday morning

  that bathtub in the

  boarding house was

  busy bright and early

  how well i can remember how

  as i tripped down the hall

  the boarders heads would

  be poked out along the

  corridor

  the sound of some one singing

  upon my ears would fall

  and sounds of others waiting

  and getting very sore

  o workman spare that

  bathtub to me it does

  bring back

  the merry days when i was

  young and all the world was pink

  o workman spare that bathtub

  from ruin and from rack

  the bathtub in the

  boarding house

  the bathtub made of zinc

  archy

  immorality

  i was up to central

  park yesterday watching some

  kids build a snow man when

  they were done and had

  gone away i looked it

  over they had used two

  little chunks of wood for

  the eyes i sat on one

  of these and stared at

  the bystanders along came a

  prudish looking

  lady from flatbush she

  stopped and regarded the

  snow man i stood

  up on my hind legs in

  the eye socket and

  waved myself at her

  horrors she cried even the

  snow men in manhattan

  are immoral officer arrest

  that statue it winked

  at me madam said the cop

  accept the tribute

  as a christmas present

  and be happy my own

  belief is that some

  people have immorality

  on the brain

  archy

  archy is excited

  dear boss i am

  acquiring more

  and more contempt

  for you humans

  i heard a couple

  of girls yesterday

  saying what a nice

  christmas present it

  would make to catch

  a live archy

  and have him gilded and

  wear him on

  a little chain

  attached to a scarf

  pin yours for red rum

  ruin revolt and rapine

  archy

  archy reports

  ive got just one

  resolution for this year boss

  and here it is

  better stuff and more rhymes

  what have i got to look

  forward to otherwise if

  a vers libre poet is

  reincarnated into

  a cockroach what will

  a vers libre cockroach

  be reincarnated into i

  ask you

  i don t want to be

  a amoeba next time do i

  i sing the glad noo year

  thats tending toward the norm

  my song is one of cheer

  im going to reform

  see

  archy

  archy says

  i suppose the human race

  is doing the best it can

  but hells bells thats

  only an explanation

  its not an excuse

  i heard a dry telling a flapper

  the other day that since repeal

  the women are drinking

  too much g
in

  and the young lady

  thoughtfully replied o nerts

  there aint too much gin

  there aint hardly enough

  mehitabel the cat

  was running around with a torn cat

  off a cruiser when the fleet

  was in new york

  and she said to me yesterday

  archy i wish you would come

  down to shinbone alley

  and see the seven funny little

  sea serpents yowling around there

  trying to put it across on me

  that i am their parent

  every time i go in for

  a platonic friendship

  there aint too much gin there aint hardly enough

  it turns out plutonic

  my maternal instinct

  has proved to be a great drawback

  it started when i was practically

  a debutante and has been going

  from bad to worse ever since

  my ideals are putty

  your ikons made of mud

  and so you think me nutty

  and i think youre a dud

  archy

  the book worm

  well boss i had one gay

  time last night i ran

  onto a book worm in one of

  the tomes on your desk and

  found him a friendly

  little cuss come he said to

  me with his little eyes

  shining brightly through his

  horn rimmed glasses let us

  make a night of it let us

  have a gay evening lead on

  says i we will go says

  he to the annual

  exhibit of the new york

  microscopical society at the

  american museum of natural

  history they have there

  some treponema pallidum some

  models of amoeba and

  paramoecium and some

  pediculus capitis the deuce you

  say said i yes said he it

  will be a rare treat

  indeed there are also some

  ziroons there showing their

  pioochroic halos the

  nerve of them i said do

  the authorities know it my

  word yes says he the department of

  health is responsible for

  it come let us hasten there is

  also a fine selection

  of diplococci to say nothing

  of the protococcus nivalis and

  a specimen of phlogopito

  from canada it sounds like a

  jolly gang i said will there

  be anything to drink

  at this party i understand

  he said that cerebro spinal

  fluid will flow

  like water the gay dogs i

  said guide me to

  it professor its always

  fair weather when good fellows get

  together i must warn

  you he says that one

  is not allowed to feed the

  animalculae well when we

  got there what do you

  suppose the bunch was

  germs boss germs just

  ordinary germs pardon me i said

  i will associate

  with insects humans and

  ghosts but not knowingly

  with germs you must excuse me

  one must draw the line somewhere

  these friends of yours look

  like alien enemies to me they

  may have noble names but

  their blood is thin

  so i left

  him flat and dropped into

  a beef steak pie in one

  of these arm chair restaurants for

  a bite to eat and a

  warm bath before

  going to bed

  that book worm was

  out for some wild

  evening boss its strange how

  many of these quiet

  looking little high brows have

  bohemian tastes

  archy

  i rode on it that s how i got back here

  archy s comet

  several persons have

  asked me during

  the last few days have

  you seen the comet

  and my answer has been

  seen it why

  i rode on it

  that is how i got

  back here after my

  travels it is my private

  comet i park

  it up there and it

  waits until i am ready

  to go somewhere

  else ask me something

  different

  archy

  progress

  if mars

  and earth ever do

  get into communication

  probably they will be

  swapping

  scandalous stories

  inside of three hours

  archy

  he has enemies

  boss i dont want to

  be importunate or nag you or

  anything like that but

  working nights and sleeping by day as

  much as i do i dont get

  time to hustle up any

  grub for myself wont

  you please leave

  something behind the radiator it has

  been three days since i ate i might

  have dined on an apple core last night

  but there was white powder

  sprinkled near it and over it i

  have my enemies boss a little scrap of

  dried beef would be appreciated

  archy

  barbarous

  in a restaurant uptown

  i dropped into a beef stew

  yesterday for a warm bath

  and a bite to eat

  and i heard a horrid discussion

  between a waiter and a customer

  they were talking about fishing

  and the customer says the best luck

  he ever had was one time when he

  was staying at a run down hotel

  in the country and he used cockroaches for bait

  the waiter made a note

  and says he is going to write

  to a rod and gun column in a paper about it

  yes says the customer do so and i bet you

  in a year from now

  they won t be using anything but cockroaches

  and they will be worth almost

  their weight in gold

  boss please petition congress at once

  and get a law passed

  against cruel and unusual bait

  after all i have done for this country

  am i to be in danger

  of getting the hook like that

  if you abolish the cockroaches

  no boarding house will seem like home

  and no home like a boarding house

  why i have lived in places

  which would have fallen down

  if the spider webs and cockroaches

  had been removed

  i consider fishing a barbarous sport anyhow

  archy

  pulled a piece of cheese rind over my head

  the demon rum

  well boss on these

  rainy days i wish i was

  web footed like a jersey mosquito no

  one has yet invented

  an umbrella for cockroaches i was

  over across the street

  to the barroom you used to

  frequent before you reformed today

  and it was raining outside i

  pulled a piece of cheese

  rind over my head to

  protect me from the weather and

  started for the door as i

  passed by one of the booths a man

  who was sitting in it said to

  his companion please call
a

  taxi for me where do you want to go

  said his companion i am

  bad again said the man i want to

  go to some place where they

  treat nervous diseases

  at once you look all right

  said his companion i may look all

  right said he but i don t see

  all right i just saw a piece

  of cheese rind crawling along the

  floor and as i passed by i

  said to myself beware the demon rum

  it gives your brain a quirk

  it puts you on the bum

  and gives the doctors work

  archy

  ancient lineage

  professor slosson

  says that the cockroach

  is one of the eldest of the

  creatures that inhabit

  the globe

  two hundred and fifty

  millions of years

  ago the cockroach

  existed just as he exists

  today of course it is

  very flattering

  to have this scientific

  testimony to my ancient

  lineage i can trace my

  ancestry back without

  a break to old adam cockroach

  himself but the real question is

  how much has the cockroach

  learned in two hundred and

  fifty million of years

  well i can tell you

  in a few brief words

  the cockroach has learned

  how to make man

  the so called lord

  of creation work for him

  the cockroach lives

  in peace and plenty

  while the human race

  hustles to support him

  all the social institutions

  of all time have existed

  merely for the purpose

  of forming a pyramid

  on the apex of which

  perches the cockroach triumphant

  it has taken us a long

  time but we point

  with pride to the achievement

  if you don t believe me

  read professor slosson s

  article

  archy

  quaint

  “Does Archy ever visit Greenwich Village?” asks R.P. “I found myself in company with a cockroach of a dissipated but still scholarly appearance in one of the cafés over there the other evening.…”

  Archy, we regret to say, will frequent the Village. Indeed, we hear that he is planning to open a café of his own to be known as “Ye Crusty Cockroach.”

  “But why the ‘Ye,’ Archy?” we asked him. “Why not merely ‘The’?”

  And Archy, loping six-leggedly to the typewriter, laboriously replied:

  it is going to be one