Learning to Trust

by Ruth Logan Herne

  “It’s not the logic.” He gripped the paper report in his hand, then set it on the desk. “I see the logic. I just can’t get beyond the carelessness of it all. And I hate myself for it.”

  “You know what your problem is, Moyer?”

  Too many to list at the moment, so he didn’t bother looking up because Renzo would tell him. In short order.

  “You talk faith, but you don’t trust faith. You talk the talk but can’t walk the walk, because you can’t believe that for some reason unknown to you, God might have had a different plan. A different timeline. Because you’re always in charge. You’re the plan maker, so to have God thwart you stings deep. You didn’t lose your beautiful wife because you were careless, Tug. You lost her because God called her home. And that’s something you just don’t seem to be able to accept. I’m going to grab a burger. Want one?”

  “No.”

  “All right.”

  Renzo moved off.

  His words stung because Tug knew they were true. Renzo had hung a variation of this talk on him at other times. A gentler version, but this time he struck deep on purpose. Or maybe it was because this time involved Christa.

  She was drawn to him.

  He was neither stupid nor blasé. He read the glimmer in her eye, the dip of her chin, the hinted rosiness that deepened her lightly tanned cheeks.

  He was falling for her. He knew it now, but he was pretty sure he’d known it from that first meeting, when she gave him that tough-teacher look. From that moment on, a part of him just wanted to make her smile. Hear her laugh. Share time with her. Share a life with her?

  He couldn’t deny that the thought had crossed his mind.

  Now he had to deliver bad news to her.

  Not his fault. He knew that. But still, he would be the bearer and he dreaded that. She’d moved into the bungalow-style house three days ago. He texted that he wanted to stop by her classroom once school was out. It might be easier to tell her here, before she picked up the boys from his mother’s house.

  Going straight to your mom’s for boys. Having their picture taken tonight. I want to make sure we’ve got as much of them recorded together as we can get.

  Pizza?

  Chinese?

  Her quick text back made him smile.

  Lo mein and Sesame Chicken. Good?

  Perfect.

  She’d have hot dogs for the kids. Nathan loved Chinese food.

  Not Vangie. She’d prefer a dog on a bun with yellow mustard. Her meal of choice, 24/7.

  Jeremy sampled everything. He didn’t hold back when it came to food, and maybe it was because food had been scarce with his mother or maybe he just knew a good thing when he saw it.

  Jonah was a grazer.

  Funny how he knew these two almost like his own. That meant the judge’s decision might be even harder to bear than he’d first thought because each day with Christa and those boys made him want more days with them. On that, Renzo was correct. He was a plan maker and he hated that this new plan had been taken out of his hands.

  * * *

  A touch of eyeliner followed by a sweep of mascara, both perfect to set off the smoky-gray eye shadow that brought out the same tones in her eyes. And all because Tug was bringing supper over.

  “When do we get our pictures?” Jeremy hung on the railing at the top of the stairs and peered at her through the bathroom door. “You look so pretty.”

  “Thank you, honey.” She smiled at him through the mirror. “The photographer will post the pictures on her website and then we’ll pick our favorites, okay?”

  “You mean on the computer?”

  “Exactly like that.”

  “My mom used to take pictures of me with her phone.”

  And where was that phone? Or any personal belongings? Was there nothing left of their life with Marta? Considering the circumstances, was that for the best? She had no idea. “Of course she did. Because she loved you.”

  “And Jonah, too. Both of us.” So serious, as if he were convincing himself of that love.

  Christa went to his side and crouched down. “She did love you. Both of you. But sometimes grown-ups have problems and don’t make the best decisions. And when that happens, we pray for them. We help them. And we try to take care of things for them.”

  “Like you’re taking care of us.”

  “Yes. Because we’re family and I love you and I want to take care of you.”

  “Because we’re good boys.” Wistfulness colored his tone, as if he yearned to be called a good boy. She gathered him into a hug.

  “You are not just good boys. You’re the very best little boys I could ever imagine. Strong. Sweet.” She kissed his cheek with a big loud smack and he giggled. The sound strengthened her because giggles weren’t the norm for Jeremy. “And such a little cutie-pie!” She smooched him once more, then hoisted him up and spun him around. “Auntie Christa loves, loves, loves you!”

  He giggled again and the lighthearted sound gave her hope.

  That hope was doused with reality a couple of hours later when Tug shared Danny Adams’s report with her.

  Vangie had taken the boys out to the backyard. No one was picking apples and the earlier sunset created tapering shadows across the green grass. They ran around, playing a little kid version of tag with the sweet abandon of children as Tug broke the news. “Considering all this, I think the judge will decide in his favor, which means he’ll be able to take custody of Jonah.”

  She didn’t want to think it, much less say the words out loud, but she’d feared this from the moment Jubilee had dropped the bombshell about Danny’s petition.

  “If he’s proven to be the father, yes.”

  “I wonder if there’s a chance he isn’t?” She turned from the innocence of the children and faced Tug. “I’m guessing that Marta’s choices weren’t always wholesome.”

  Tug shrugged. “The DNA tests will tell one way or another. And have you figured out why Jeremy is set on his birthday coming soon? Because I don’t want him disappointed.”

  “I checked with Jubilee and she has the birth certificates in her folder and confirmed the dates. And she said little kids were known for being almost the next year from the time they have a new birthday, so maybe that’s why he thinks he’s almost five. People do half birthdays all the time for kids in school. If they have a summer birthday but want to bring in a school treat, we let them do it on the six-month date. We could do that for Jeremy so he’s not disappointed.”

  “If it makes him feel good, I don’t care how we spin it, Christa.” He moved closer so he could see the kids through the back window. They darted here and there, being children. And when Nathan would tag Jonah to be “it” because he could easily avoid the little fellow, Vangie would let Jonah tag her instantly. Then she’d chase down her brother to teach him a lesson. And not one of them seemed to mind being “it.”

  “They’re beautiful together. Have you noticed that?” He whispered the words from behind her, but dropped his head just enough that his breath tickled her ear and her cheek. It was a featherlight motion that made her long to step back, into his arms. Closer, yet not close enough.

  “I’ve noticed.” She whispered, too, for no reason because there was no one there to hear, and yet it seemed like a conversation that should be gentle and hushed. “Sometimes I think of it being that way. Staying that way.”

  “All four kids together?” His breath touched her ear again. Then his arms came around her from behind and he hugged her, sighing softly. “Because it’s an image I can’t get out of my mind. I can’t deny I’d like to see how that works out, Christa. If you’d be willing to let the deputy sheriff court the pretty schoolteacher.”

  She turned to face him.

  His gaze drew her. His scent reminded her of clear, crisp days and freshly cut wood with a hint of spice. But it was his
expression that tempted her the most. Strong. Loving. Caring. With a hint of sorrow, an emotion she understood too well.

  And then he leaned in. He leaned in close enough to kiss her but didn’t. Was he waiting for her to meet him halfway?

  He stopped waiting right then.

  His lips sought hers, and when she slipped her arms up, around his neck, he drew her in closer.

  Her heart raced.

  So did his.

  She felt the strong beat of it, heart to heart. And then she felt something else. His badge. The firm reminder that he wasn’t a regular guy. He was a deputy, running for sheriff, and she knew what that badge stood for. And how in less than three weeks, the locals would elect a new county sheriff.

  She knew her past could be his downfall.

  He didn’t.

  Should she tell him now? Let him decide? And if he did the chivalrous thing and shrugged off his career for her, would he grow to resent it over time? Maybe more important, would she be able to live with herself, knowing she’d thrown him a curve?

  She stepped back, withdrew her arms from his neck and shook her head. “We can’t do this.”

  “Seems we just did and I was absolutely okay with it.” He studied her seriously. “I’m a little confused that you didn’t feel exactly the same way.”

  She did.

  Oh, she did, but she couldn’t tell him that. He’d already taken a bold step forward because he didn’t have the whole picture. If her past was uncovered, would the district ever offer her tenure?

  Probably not.

  Why should they when there were so many educated teachers looking for work? “It’s not that I don’t feel the same way.” She wasn’t going to play games with him. He deserved better than that. “But I’m in the middle of so much right now, none of it expected, and I don’t dare upset the apple cart any more than it already is. I’ve got to focus on school, on my class. I don’t want to mess up this opportunity, Tug.”

  It wasn’t an untruth... It just wasn’t the whole truth.

  “I need to focus on the boys. They need someone who’s in for the long haul, especially with Jonah’s future in question. I need time to adjust to all of this. I don’t want to turn to you just because I’m in over my head with work and kids and you’re a big, strong sheriff who rides to my rescue.”

  “I’m in favor of that image,” he admitted, but a soft smile offered understanding. “We don’t have to jump into anything, Christa.”

  Oh, she’d jump in a heartbeat if she were coming to him with a clean, clear record. She wasn’t.

  “We’ve got time. But I want you to know that my intentions are not likely to be dissuaded by time. Instead, I expect them to increase exponentially. But I understand completely.” He might have understood but he kissed her one more time. “Just so you know.”

  He took a step back as the kids came barreling through the side door. “Are there any cookies left?”

  She used Nathan’s question to change the subject. “Your grandma sent a bin.” She opened the plastic tub and held it out. “Two each. And then we need to get cleaned up for bed,” she told the younger boys.

  “But it was so much fun pwayin’ outside!” Jonah’s eyes couldn’t have gone rounder if he tried, and when he grabbed Vangie around the middle and hugged her tight, it was the sweetest thing. “We were wike the very, very, very best team in the world!” He hugged her again, let go and fist-pumped the air with his free hand while the other hand grabbed for two cookies. “I want to play that game wif you guys all the time! And I will be the fastest catcher ever!”

  “You did great.” Vangie placed her hand on the little guy’s head and grinned at him. “I’ll be your partner anytime, little dude.”

  Her words hit Christa hard. She didn’t dare look up at Tug, because he knew what she knew, that the boy might be taken to a new life. She swallowed hard and forced a smile at Evangeline. “You were a great partner, Vangie. We saw how you applied your speed and engineering skills to a complex situation.”

  Some kids wouldn’t have understood her implication.

  Vangie understood it instantly. “Strategy. My dad taught me that. It’s all about strategy.”

  “A lesson well learned.” Tug motioned outside. “Say goodbye, guys. We’ve got to get you home to bed. School tomorrow.”

  Then he shifted his attention back to Christa. “Thanks for having supper with us.”

  “Thanks for bringing it.”

  He grinned and started her silly heart beating in that same rapid rhythm she’d just tamped down. “My pleasure. Good night, guys.”

  “G’night, Copper Guy!” Jeremy hurled himself at Tug.

  He never did that with her. With her, he was always a little more subdued, as if testing the waters, but with Tug, Jeremy’s quick reactions knew no boundaries.

  Tug hugged him. “You know, you can call me Tug,” he reminded the boy. He’d mentioned that a few times before, but Jeremy shook his head firmly.

  “I like Copper Guy. That’s what you are, right?”

  “Deputy sheriff, but close enough.”

  “So it’s a really good name for you, I think.”

  Tug hugged him and winked at Christa over the boy’s head. “It’s a very good name for me.” He bent down and included Jonah in his hug. “See you tomorrow, little man.”

  “Okay! I’ll be ready to run again, I fink!”

  Jonah dashed off for the living room as Tug set Jeremy down.

  “I’ll get jammies for me and for Jonah. That way we can match.”

  Matching pajamas. Matching shirts. Matching pants. When she’d taken them shopping, Jeremy had insisted on matching his brother. It wasn’t something that she’d do all the time. Even twins weren’t advised to dress alike every day, but for now, if it offered comfort to the boys to be dressed alike, she would do it. And she wouldn’t think of Jonah being somewhere else, and how that would affect Jeremy. Because thinking of it was like a stab to the heart when she saw how close they were. How many separations could children take and still grow up normal?

  “Bye, Christa! Bye, guys!” She’d given Vangie and Nathan permission to use her first name at home. It was silly to call her Ms. Alero when they were together so often outside of school.

  “See you tomorrow.”

  They hurried out to the car.

  Tug turned her way. He didn’t try to kiss her again. Instead, he reached out his right hand and gently cradled her cheek. Her ear. Her head. “Thank you for taking a simple night and making it unforgettable, Christa.”

  She leaned into his hand.

  She shouldn’t. She knew that. But sweet desire overshadowed propriety for that moment. “I am in full agreement. And—” she reached up and covered his hand with hers “—I am grateful for your understanding.”

  He smiled. It started as a slow smile, and then it grew. “I’m totally understanding, darlin’, but not afraid to make sure I stay in the game. Just so you know.”

  She couldn’t help but smile back, and when he winked, her silly heart tripped over itself all over again.

  How could something so right be wrong?

  It couldn’t. It wasn’t. Except that she might hold the key to his destruction. If she could be sure it would never get out, then that would be different.

  But what if it did?

  She watched him go and closed the door firmly behind him.

  Tug’s reaction didn’t worry her. He was loving and forgiving, and he seemed to have a greater understanding of kids’ choices than most adults. It was the possible effect it would have that kept her quiet.

  What if he finds out later? And you’ve withheld it? Love is based on trust and truth, isn’t it?

  She believed that wholeheartedly, but the election was short weeks away. After that, she would tell him everything and let him decide. That way she wo
uldn’t derail his campaign.

  For now, she’d stay quiet, but with Tug being present in multiple aspects of her life, that wasn’t going to be easy.

  Chapter Twelve

  After two weeks of campaign appearances on top of work, Tug found himself wishing for election day.

  He wanted it over. Yeah, he wanted to win, but the months of working and campaigning had taken their toll.

  He longed for normalcy. For time to hang out with the kids and see Christa and those two precious little boys.

  Jubilee had taken a sample from Jonah for the DNA testing and, somewhere, Danny Adams had done the same thing.

  Tug hoped Danny wasn’t a match.

  Like Christa, the hope drove his guilt higher, but there was something about this man that didn’t sit right with him.

  Would anyone sit right at this point? his conscience nudged.

  Probably not. Knowing that the guy hadn’t made a move to be part of the little guy’s life rubbed Tug the wrong way. He urged Jubilee to check deeply into this man’s past, and he was pretty sure Renzo was doing the same thing. And on a rare autumn day off, Tug himself had gone by the regional office of the tech firm. He grabbed coffee at the shop across the street until Danny Adams walked out, got into an aging pickup truck and took off.

  The guy looked like any other normal everyday person heading home at the end of the day. Nothing had clouded his record for several years. So why was Tug unnerved? Because of Christa and how this would affect her?

  The big question was, did Danny really want Jonah?

  He tried not to think about it, but as November drew near, each day felt like a ticking clock. If he was feeling this anxious about the results and the judge’s decision, what was Christa feeling?

  He was striding down a middle-school hall when Tillie Anderson came around the corner. She smiled to see him, but then cloaked the smile with a sour demeanor. Chin down, she almost went by him when he tossed the basketball in his hands her way.