“Come with me,” I said. “Leave her behind and come home with me.”
“Seriously? After you accused me of cheating on you? I would have never done something like that.”
“I was confused and hurt, Dash. I suspected that you were lying to me about the earrings, and I overreacted. But I’ve been struggling the whole time we’ve been together. I wanted to have an affair with you because I thought that if I slept with you, I could get some of my power back.”
“What are you talking about?”
I forged ahead, forcing myself to say the words I knew he wouldn’t want to hear. “I’ve never stopped loving you. Even after all the years we’ve been apart, my feelings never really changed.”
He stepped back, away from the streetlight and into a haze of darkness. “You love me? But you’ve been lying to me and pretending that you don’t?”
“I was trying not to love you, but it didn’t work. Then I started hoping and praying that you’d love me, too. But you didn’t, even though you asked me to marry you. Everything we’ve been doing has been a mess.”
“You’re right. It’s a total mess. At least with my mom, I know where I stand.”
I ached for him. And for myself, too. “She’s just going to hurt you again.”
“Not if I keep giving her the things she wants.”
His reasoning made me even sadder than I already was. “I’m sorry that I accused you of being with someone else. I should’ve had more faith in you. But it’s hard, loving someone who doesn’t love me back.”
“You know I’m not capable of that.”
“Alice thinks you could be.” My voice cracked. “Earlier, before we followed you here, she said that you could be blocking your feelings.”
His voice was shaky, too. “I’m not blocking anything. I’ve always known that love was difficult for me, and I never denied that it started when I was a kid.”
“With an emptiness your mother created.” And now she was back, pulling his strings, treating him like a puppet. “I wanted to fix you the first time we were together. But my heart got crushed instead.”
“And now I crushed it again.” He moved closer to me. “We have to end it. We have to stop the cycle.”
I lifted my hand to skim his jaw. “Maybe if we...”
“No.” His expression went blank. “I can’t be what you need, Tracy. I don’t have it in me.”
I lowered my hand. Touching him would only make the pain worse. “I’m going to go.” I couldn’t stay another minute, immersed in this kind of torture. “I won’t ever bother you again.”
He didn’t say anything. He just stood in the shadows while I walked to the car, my footsteps echoing in the night.
I got behind the wheel, and Alice turned to face me. We didn’t speak. I waited until I turned off his mother’s street before I pulled over and burst into tears.
Crying over the man I still loved.
Twelve
Dash
I strode past Zeke, and he closed the gate, leaving me to my misery. He didn’t expect me to confide in him. I wouldn’t have, anyway. Losing Tracy was my pain to bear.
I returned to the house, and Mom rushed over to me with a dramatic flair. “Who was that girl?”
“No one.” I made a beeline for the bar and poured myself a vodka on the rocks. I swigged it, letting it burn its way down my throat.
“She must’ve been someone to have upset you this way.”
I didn’t respond. I was an emotional wreck, torn apart by everything Tracy had said. That she’d never stopped loving me. That her heart was still yearning for mine. On top of that, I had to contend with Alice’s disturbing opinion of me. The bit about me blocking my feelings and being in love, too, as if I was too scared or stupid to know the difference.
I wasn’t stupid. But I’d always been afraid of getting too close, of repeating the mistake my dad had made with my mom, of needing someone so badly that you destroyed yourself over it. I didn’t want to lose my soul to love. I was supposed to be immune to that. I’d done everything in my power to protect myself from it.
I frowned at my mom. She sat on the sofa and fingered the new Gucci jewels at her ears. The earrings I’d lied to Tracy about. But she’d lied to me, too, deceiving me about the nature of our affair.
“I wish you’d tell me what’s going on, Dash.”
“There’s nothing to tell.” It seemed as if my whole world was crumbling, yet I still had my money, my career and my mansion. The things I’d wanted to share with Tracy.
Did I love her? The thought panicked me. I felt the sheer terror washing over my bones. I’d spent my entire adulthood dismissing love, and now I was drowning in the sudden fear of it.
But what did love feel like? How would I know for sure? This had already been one of the worst nights of my life, and it was getting more chaotic by the second.
The uncertainty. The agony. The pounding of my heart.
Mom studied me. “You look positively miserable. Do you want to finish eating? Will that help?”
I glanced at our leftover dinner on the table. Roasted chicken and all the fixings. We’d been in the middle of it when Zeke had texted, alerting me that Tracy was outside. And now she was gone. I’d sent her away for good.
“I’m not hungry anymore,” I replied. My stomach would cramp if I took even one more bite.
“Should we stream some music?”
I shook my head. “There’s nothing I want to hear.”
She gestured to the TV. “A movie, then?”
“I don’t want to watch anything, either.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No.” But I was surprised by what sounded like genuine concern on her part. Or as close to genuine as she knew how to be. I studied her, then asked, “Why didn’t you ever love my dad the way he loved you?”
She flinched. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“I just want to know, that’s all.” Love was the issue of the night, the word spinning around in my head. The emotion I couldn’t seem to face.
She frowned and replied, “Relationships have always been hard for me.” She fidgeted in her seat. “Some bad things happened to me when I was young, and I’ve just never been able to...”
Her words trailed off, and I realized how messed up she really was. Not that I hadn’t always known it. But something seemed different this time. Or maybe I was just getting a better understanding of her, based on how messed up I was, too.
She fingered her earrings again. “I appreciate everything you’re doing for me, Dash. Renting me this house and buying me gifts.”
“I know.” She equated love with material things, and she’d taught me to have that mindset, too.
“You’re a good son,” she said. “The best.”
“Thank you.” It was easy being the type of son she wanted, now that I had the means to please her. But I wasn’t the best boyfriend or lover or whatever to Tracy. I couldn’t give her anything that would validate me in her eyes.
No, that wasn’t true. If I let myself, I could give Tracy the very thing she wanted most.
For me to love her.
* * *
The next few days were a living hell. Thoughts of Tracy consumed me, every moment of every hour. But I was still scared, panicked beyond belief.
I sat on my porch steps, waiting for Zeke. I’d asked him to come by and talk. I couldn’t confide in my mom. She didn’t have a normal understanding of love. My only option was Zeke. Plus, he was the only person I could spill my guts to who wasn’t part of Tracy’s camp. My dad was gone, and Pop was her dad. I couldn’t tell him how I was feeling, not without involving Tracy. Spencer would be a problem, too. He was Alice’s husband, and Alice was Tracy’s best friend. Everyone was just too connected.
Zeke showed up with a troubl
ed expression on his roughly chiseled face. He sat beside me and said, “Are you sure there isn’t anyone else you want to have this conversation with?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
He frowned. “I probably won’t be very good at offering you advice.”
I handed him a longneck beer. I’d barely touched mine. “You can’t be any worse at this than I am.”
He accepted the drink. “Don’t bet on it.”
I studied him. He wasn’t wearing his customary suit. This was his day off, and he was in regular clothes: shorts, flip-flops and a Polynesian-print shirt. The other security guys filled in for him when he wasn’t working, but I didn’t need a bodyguard at the moment. I needed a friend. Either way, Zeke wouldn’t be around forever. At some point, he would return to the corporate side of his business and assign another bodyguard to me.
I didn’t know much about his personal life. But when I first hired him and his crew, he’d told me that he’d been raised in a house as big as mine. Zeke came from a successful Hollywood family, only he preferred to keep a low profile.
“Did you love your ex-wife?” I asked.
He winced a little. “What kind of question is that?”
“I just want to know if you’ve ever been in love. Like, really, deeply in love.”
“Yeah, I have. And, yeah, it was with my ex.”
I kept studying him, analyzing him. For now, it was easier than analyzing myself. “What happened? Why aren’t you still together?”
“It was complicated.” He swigged his beer. “Too complicated for me to get into. But it still affects me and how I live my life now.”
I respected his right to be vague. But I still needed to hash out my problems. “What does it feel like?”
He gave me a disturbed look. “To get divorced?”
I shook my head. “To be in love.”
“It feels like someone’s sitting on your chest, smothering the crap out of you. But it feels amazing, too, when it’s going right. All you want is to be with that person.”
“I’ve always wanted to be with Tracy. Even the years we weren’t together, I couldn’t shake her from my blood. But I couldn’t accept that she loved me, and I couldn’t...”
“Love her back?”
I nodded. “In my family, love was a word associated with pain, a word that was used to manipulate and destroy. I watched my dad wither away because of it, and I vowed that I’d never let that happen to me.”
“Love isn’t supposed to destroy people. That’s not how it’s intended to work. Plenty of people have healthy, loving relationships.”
I shot him a curious glance. “See, you are good at this.”
He shrugged. “It’s just common sense.”
“Not to someone like me. Look what I’m doing with my mom. She abandoned me, and now I’m giving her everything she wants and trying to make her love me.”
“Old wounds run deep.”
“That’s for sure. I’ve been going out of my way to buy my mom’s affection, yet I’ve been denying Tracy what she wants.”
“Those two women couldn’t be more opposite.”
I nodded and gazed out at the lake, knowing it was time to stop being afraid and admit the truth. That I’d always loved Tracy, even if I’d buried those feelings in the deepest, darkest part of me. I’d allowed my mother’s rejection to ruin what I could’ve had with Tracy. What I still could have. Love wasn’t the enemy. It could be my salvation, if I let it be.
Dear God, I thought. How easy was that? The burden I’d been carrying around had just been lifted from my shoulders.
But within seconds, my confidence fell, and a different kind of fear slammed through me. What if it was too late to win Tracy back? What if I’d hurt her too badly?
“I have to apologize for something,” Zeke said suddenly.
I blinked at him. “I’m sorry. What?”
“I should have been more alert that night. I didn’t have a clue that Tracy and Alice were following us. They outsmarted me, and I didn’t catch on until it was too late.” He shook his head. “I screwed up, and you paid the price.”
“That isn’t true. I got exactly what I deserved. Besides, if Tracy hadn’t shown up, I probably never would’ve told her about my mom.” But I didn’t want to hide anything from Tracy anymore. No matter what mistakes I’d made, I needed to lay my heart on the line. And hope that she still loved me enough to take me back.
* * *
I stood on Tracy’s front porch, in the dark, a black cowboy hat shielding my eyes. I’d driven myself here, all alone with my hopes and dreams and fears.
I pressed the buzzer, with my pulse thudding in my throat. I heard someone approach the door but it didn’t open. Was that Tracy? Was she peering out the peephole? As far as I could tell, she was by herself. I didn’t see any other cars in the driveway.
The door creaked open, and Tracy gazed at me through the crack. “What are you doing here?”
“I just want to talk.” And ask her to marry me, I thought. I had a ring burning a hole in my pocket. A diamond I’d chosen with love and care. But would she accept my proposal? Would I be able to prove myself to her?
She invited me in, and I followed her into the house. Her living room was tidy, and there was a scented candle burning on the coffee table. Strawberry or cherry or something. She looked soft and pretty, and I longed to touch her, to skim my hand against hers, but I kept my distance.
“Can I get you anything?” she asked.
“No, thank you.” She seemed leery of me. But I couldn’t blame her. If I were her, I’d be cautious, too.
“Do you want to sit?” She gestured to the sofa.
I nodded and removed my hat, placing it on the coffee table. I glanced at the Home Sweet Home pillow propped up at one end of the couch and imagined her bringing it to Pine Tower if she moved in with me. But this wasn’t going well so far. She sat in a chair on the other side of the room, as far away from me as possible, putting an even bigger gap between us.
I was so nervous that I barely knew where to start. I ran a hand through my hair. “I’m sorry about the way things ended. I never should have lied to you. I handled everything badly.”
“You came to apologize?”
“Yes, but I have so much more to say, to tell you.” I kept my gaze riveted to hers. “I love you, Tracy. I’m madly, achingly in love with you.”
She gasped. “But you never were before. You—”
“I know the difference now.” I tapped on my chest, in the vicinity of my heart. “I’ve always felt it, this heaviness inside of me. What Alice said was true. I’ve loved you all along without recognizing it. Even the years we’ve been apart, I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I watched your career rise and fall, and then when I became successful, all I wanted was to see you again. To try to record with you, to do whatever it took to be around you.” I stood and moved away from the couch. “You were right to turn down my other proposal and not be interested in a ring from me. But I needed to get you one this time.” I removed the case from my pocket and flipped it open.
She got up and walked over to where I was. She stared at the diamond, as if it was blinding her. Was it too big? Too showy? Had I chosen the wrong style?
“It’s heart-shaped,” she said.
My breath rushed out. “I wanted it to represent what I should’ve given you years ago. My heart. My love. My life.”
Tears flooded her eyes. Was that a good sign?
I hurriedly said, “You don’t have to sing with me or do anything that doesn’t feel right to you. It’s going to be hard to avoid the press, though, and I’m hoping that if you agree to marry me, you’ll be okay with everyone knowing that we’re together. I’d be happy to tell the world that we’re engaged. I want nothing more than for you to become my wife.”
“I’ve waited a lifet
ime for you to love me, to want me in this way.” She searched my gaze, long and deep. “But are you sure you’re not acting on impulse? Or that the decision isn’t going to overwhelm you later?”
“I’m positive. But I can’t sugarcoat it or promise that everything will be perfect, and especially now that my mom is back in the picture.”
“That does present a troubling picture, but it’s okay. It’s not your fault.”
I set the ring next to my hat on the coffee table, letting the diamond shine on its own. “At least our kids won’t have to go through what I went through.” I moved closer, desperate to touch her. “Marry me, Tracy, and be the mother of my children.” I put my hand on her stomach, splaying my fingers across it. “We can’t bring back the one we lost, but we can have lots of other babies.”
“Oh, my God, no.” She stepped out of reach. “I love you, Dash. But I can’t do this.” She gazed at me with pain in her eyes. “I can’t marry you, not if...”
Dumbstruck, I merely stared at her. “You don’t want to create a family with me?”
“Yes, I want to, more than you can possibly know.” She clutched her middle. “But there’s a secret I’ve been keeping, something that I should have told you long before now.”
Thirteen
Tracy
I walked over to the sofa and sat down, inviting Dash to join me. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have standing in the middle of the room. Truthfully, it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss at all. But Dash had just asked me to have his babies.
The thought made me ache—in my heart, in my womb.
Once we were settled beside each other, I said, “It’s extremely unlikely that I’ll ever be able to get pregnant again. I have a condition that...”
Dash watched me with a concerned expression. “What is it, Tracy? What’s wrong?”
“It’s called premature ovarian failure. It’s when the ovaries quit working before the age of forty. I’m taking hormones and vitamins, but there’s no treatment that can restore it.” I explained further, getting it all out there, even as personal as it was. “I still have occasional periods, but they’re few and far between. At some point, they’re going to stop altogether.” I blinked back my tears. “I haven’t told anyone about this except for Alice.”
Wild Nashville Ways Page 13
