The Fabulous Adventures of Leif & Lyle

by Clyde Andrews

  “Yeah?” Ben sounded surprised—or more accurately, shocked. Okay, I was shocked, and I probably expected everyone else to be. Maybe Ben wasn’t shocked at all. Leif’s face didn’t register anything.

  Ben, with a wink that made Edwin giggle, added, “What you up to lift wise? How many reps you been doing?”

  Leif pulled me away.

  I knew that was his way of saying we weren’t a part of whatever was going on there. Besides, I didn’t want to hear the rest of the conversation. It was a train wreck about to happen, but they didn’t know it. If Britney came back and saw Edwin drooling all over Ben, there would be fireworks. And not the good kind that ring in the New Year, either.

  It made me smile when I imagined Edwin and Ben together. I mean, I could ship it. Their name would be Eden. That would be cool. Sure, Edwin was dorky, and Ben was a stud stallion, but worse matches in history have worked. I mean, Edwin was also kind of cute under his allergic, sneezy haze. And there was someone for everyone.

  I had Leif.

  Unfortunately, if Ben ever broke up with Britney, Edwin wouldn’t have a snowball's chance in Hell of dating him. Ben, not only oozed hotness from every pore, he also reeked of complete straightness.

  Which was a shame.

  For Edwin.

  The boy really had been putting on his best flirting show, complete with shy glances, shifting body weight, and fidgety hands. Pity Ben seemed oblivious, as most straight boys are—bless them. They couldn’t help it.

  “Hey!” Leif blurted, letting go of my hand and bringing me back to the moment for about the third time this morning. What was with my daydreaming? “Someone’s put this in my locker!”

  “What?” was all I could manage as I processed his words.

  Chapter Three

  The Unexpected Note

  “It’s true! Look, Lyle!” Leif’s eyes were wide, the mysterious blue of them no longer a mystery as to what was on his mind. He was holding a plain white envelope, one that looked innocuous but probably had written on it something neither of us wanted to read—because why would it be in Leif’s locker otherwise?

  “What does it say?” I blurted.

  Leif’s eyes then narrowed, his eyebrows coming together to create a deep furrow between them. “It’s sealed.”

  “Open it.” I said, stating the bleeding obvious.

  He came closer to me, opening it so I could also read what was written along with him. I loved how he considered such things; most other people would have read it first then given it to me.

  Not Leif.

  The letters making up the sentences of the note were clipped out of newspapers or magazines and glued onto the paper. The note read: If you think this is the beginning, it isn’t. Expect the unexpected, lamingtons.

  “What the…what does that mean?” I asked.

  He shrugged, his worry still evident. I didn’t like seeing him like that and my urge to kiss him again and again to comfort him, to comfort myself, almost overwhelmed me. I grabbed his hand and he held me tightly.

  If Leif was shaking, I was in turmoil. My whole insides flipped, and I felt funny all over because of it. I swallowed. Was the note a threat?

  “I don’t know,” he said with measured concern. “But it doesn’t make sense.”

  I snapped out of my thoughts. “I know, right? Who would do this?” I looked over my shoulder. Perhaps I imagined I’d see a shadowed figure lurking in the corridors, solving the mystery of who put the note in Leif’s locker already.

  No such luck, of course.

  “I don’t mean that, Lyle.” He looked at me, a quizzical expression flashing across his face. “I mean, how can I expect something that’s unexpected? The definition of unexpected is just that. It’s unexpected. How can I expect it?”

  I opened my mouth about to reply, to tell him it was a saying, an expression more than anything, when the first bell sounded. Students scattered like they were cockroaches caught feasting on breadcrumbs when the kitchen light was turned on. Seconds later, we were alone, and the all too familiar step-clunk sounds of Coach Williams approaching echoed throughout the main hall. He was growling at wayward students, telling them to hurry to class.

  The man had a wooden leg, a lazy left eye, and the disposition of a rabid dog. I’m sure he hated everyone under the age of about forty. Why he became a teacher, God only knew. Or the Devil.

  Step-clunk…

  Step-clunk...

  Step-clunk…

  The man came closer.

  “WALLACE!” he boomed when he turned his head and saw us. Everyone was addressed by their surname with him, no salutation attached. “AND ROBINSON!” Both Leif and I stiffened. Gym class was first up on our schedule. Gym class with him. “You’d better both be changed and ready for class before I get to the gymnasium. Otherwise, I have a feeling detention season will start early, beginning with you two as its first victims.”

  “Yes, Sir.” We gulped in unison. I couldn’t look at him, not while his good eye bored into us, the lazy eye watching the ceiling. Way too disturbing.

  I swallowed. Hard.

  With his free hand, Leif shut his locker and stuffed the strange note into his school pants pocket. The hand he held me with squeezed again. He was still shaking, but I loved the nuances of his touch. It was like learning a new language, each change in pressure conveying so much about him. I imagined that last squeeze meant he was determined not to let the note get to him, not until he knew more, anyway.

  I couldn’t blame him.

  Leif was whisking me away moments later.

  It was a good thing I wore my sports shorts underneath my uniform pants. Well, okay, I always wore my shorts under them on P.E. days. It made things more efficient, especially when I was in a rush. Like now.

  Leif did the same.

  We were in our sports uniform and inside the massive “environmentally friendly” gymnasium with moments to spare before the second bell. The building didn’t have air-conditioning which meant the summer months were sweltering inside it, making me feel like I’d pass out any moment—and knowing my luck, Leif wouldn’t be around to resuscitate me with that mouth to mouth thing. In the winter, and if I didn’t wear my thermals under my sports uniform, my boy bits would have frozen and dropped off if they hadn’t retreated to somewhere behind my kidneys for warmth.

  It was the middle of Spring.

  The Gymnasium was bearable this morning, temperature wise, even if it stank of sweaty socks, that musky testosterone-induced odour I loved the smell of on Leif and Ben and a few other boys, and stale deodorant. The class was all male; that was school policy when it came to sports. I had no clue as to why, because girls could certainly play any sport better than I could.

  I’d been teased a lot about how lame I was when it came to physical activity of any kind.

  “Your throw was soooo gay, Lyle!” one boy shouted from the sidelines one day after I’d managed to pitch a ball so terribly that it didn’t even make it to the batter, just rolled along the pitch pathetically after leaving my hand. The batter laughed his arse off, as did everyone else. He got to walk to first base for that. I blushed with embarrassment.

  “Leave Lyle alone, jerk,” Edwin had shouted back at the kid. “He is GAY!” As if that was a justification about why I was about as coordinated as a drunken sailor after arriving back at home port and had partied for three days solid. Who needed enemies when I had friends like Edwin? I loved him for his enthusiasm, though.

  Leif wasn’t my boyfriend when that happened. He would have come up with something better than what Edwin had, that’s for sure.

  The step-clunk sounds of Coach Williams were already loud as he appeared at the gymnasium’s door, bringing me back to the terrible reality that today’s class wasn’t going to be better than any other.

  “Well, ladies,” Coach Williams bellowed. That was another one of his idiosyncrasies; he liked to refer to boys as girls, and vice-versa. Again, only God or the Devil knew why. Perhaps Coach William
s was their joke on the world. “Gather round. We’re playing dodgeball this morning.”

  I died inside. Dodgeball! I’d rather pull my fingernails out one by one.

  Leif audibly gulped.

  I put up my hand without hesitation. “What is it, Wallace?” Coach demanded.

  “Can I be excused from dodgeball, sir?”

  “Why, Wallace? Are you some sort of sissy who can’t handle a friendly game of dodgeball?”

  Dodgeball was anything but friendly. But that was beside the point.

  Before I realised I was going to speak, like my mouth was acting independently of my brain, I replied, “If by sissy you mean that I’m a girl because I don’t want to do something you’ve asked me to, then no Sir, I’m not a sissy. If, however, you mean that I’m a sissy because I’m gay, then yes, Sir, I am. I’m proud to be a sissy but would prefer if you called me gay instead of that, please.”

  The other boys in the class snickered, some let out guffaws. I even heard one whisper from behind me, “Good one, Lyle.”

  Leif reached for my hand; I took it.

  I needed that.

  Now I was shaking.

  His touch strengthened my resolve even more, the language of his pressure assuring me that I’d done great. I knew then I was justified in standing up for myself and I wouldn’t back down now, the threat of detention looming or not.

  Coach Williams blinked, that lazy left eye of his rolling around in its socket. I shuddered. He looked between Leif and me. Then at our hands holding each other. He coughed to clear his throat. “Anyone else here who doesn’t want to play dodgeball?”

  Two other boys stuck up their hands: Edwin and Ben. I was surprised Ben didn’t want to participate; dodgeball was his kind of thing. He excelled at singling out the weak to win at any game that involved a ball.

  Coach Williams snorted. “You four can climb the ropes then. The rest of you girls can get yourselves into two teams.” He blew his whistle. “Let’s go!”

  Phew! I’d done it. I’d stuck up for myself. Leif really did give me strength I never knew I had. I felt strange…liberated even. Although, in hindsight, I really thought too soon.

  Coach Williams bellowed after us, “Oh, and Wallace, Robinson, DeGennaro, and Sparks…you’ve all earned yourselves lunchtime detention. Congratulations. I look forward to seeing you there.”

  Leif looked at me and sighed, but a smile crawled across his very kissable lips. “I’d rather have spent my lunchtime sneaking off somewhere so I could kiss you, Lyle.”

  “Same. I’m sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut. Coach Williams was in an extra salty mood this morning. I should have picked up on that.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I was proud of you.”

  “You were?”

  Ben patted me on my back. “Don’t stress, Lyle. We’ve got your back. Isn’t that right, Sparkles?” Edwin nodded and sneezed. Thankfully, he covered his nose in time before we all got wet. Ben added, “Now, c’mon, you can be my partner for ropes, Sparkles. I’ll spot you first, okay?”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. Then, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Ben and Edwin walking close together, laughing with back patting and butt slapping a plenty as they headed towards the hanging ropes we were expected to climb. Was there something going on between them? I shook my head.

  No, there couldn’t be.

  Ben was straight.

  The studly demigod walking the Earth wouldn’t ever want Edwin, would he? Besides, he had Britney. She was Ben’s type, mainly because she didn’t have any boy bits and was bubbly. Very bubbly.

  There would never be an Eden! Such a thing was preposterous.

  Ridiculous.

  Ludicrous.

  I ran out of “ous” words that reflected the impossibility of such a thing happening and wouldn’t have thought anything more of it until Leif said, “I think Ben and Edwin look good together, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, I think Britney would agree,” I said, my words trowelled all over with sarcasm.

  Outrageous. Ooh, there was another “ous” word which applied here.

  Leif let out a gentle laugh, leading me to our goal: the hanging ropes of testicular discomfort, leg rashes, and palm burns. “Ben’s just being friendly. You know what he’s like. He likes to include everyone. That’s why he’s our year’s prefect, the captain of the footy team, a member of the Student Social Club, the president of the Chess Club, and the student representative for the Safe Schools Association.”

  Ben sure got around.

  And Leif was right.

  When we arrived at the ropes, Ben was helping Edwin as he tried to clamber up them—because let’s face it, library nerds like me, Edwin, and Leif weren’t cut out for any physical activity of the sports variety, especially in the gymnasium. It was something to do with our genetics and our aversion to joining in with the herd mentality. And the bullying from the sports jocks.

  Yeah. Mainly the bullying.

  Much to my surprise, Ben’s muscular hands were placed squarely onto Edwin’s butt as he helped the boy climb up the ropes. Edwin’s face was fire engine red again and he was giggling so much I felt sure it was Christmas morning and he’d got a new iPad instead of it being a school day where he got lunchtime detention because of me. Ben was grinning like the cat who got the cream, seemingly enjoying Edwin’s reaction.

  Deliberately or otherwise, I couldn’t tell.

  I slowly tore my gaze away from a sight that was becoming quite…well, I could only think about how lucky Edwin was to have Ben give him such close attention, that’s for sure. I gave Leif a “yeah, it sure looks like nothing between them” look when he corrected himself, and said, “I’m calling them both Bedwin from now on.”

  “I prefer Eden.”

  “Ooh, that’s a good one. Much, much better.”

  I then gulped, thinking of something else. “I really hope Britney doesn’t get the wrong idea about this if she does find out.”

  “I’m sure it’s just Ben being friendly to Edwin. He’s had it rough lately—his parents are arguing a lot and he’s caught in the middle. Ben’s just being empathetic, as I said.”

  “Before I became your boyfriend, Leif, I would have liked Ben to have been that empathetic with me.”

  Leif then said something else profound: “Do you think Britney put that note in my locker?”

  I hadn’t even thought of her doing that. The suggestion surprised me to be honest. Sure, Britney was Britney, but she was also a good friend. My mind raced though as an uncomfortable, uneasy feeling came over me. “Why would she do that?”

  “Because if she does know about her boyfriend’s interest in Edwin, then it is unexpected, isn’t it?”

  Okay, I could see his logic. “You can say that again.”

  Ben assisted Edwin down, using his hand to steady him. When the boy was back on the parquetry, Ben gave him a bro hug that was a lot more hug than bro. “That was awesome, Sparkles,” Ben cheered. “You killed it. Man, you’ll be a machine sooner rather than later if you keep working on stuff like that. Mark my words, Sparkles, mark my words.”

  Edwin stammered, “I could only d-do it because you helped me. T-thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. It was my pleasure.” Their hug was still going when Edwin sneezed again. “And gesundheit, Sparkles!”

  Their embrace held…and held.

  I glanced at Leif again; his mouth had dropped open.

  Chapter Four

  The Kidnapping of Mister Metaxas

  Lunchtime detention sucked.

  Mainly because I didn’t get a chance to kiss Leif. Coach Williams was in a crabbier mood than he was earlier in the day, so he kept us in until the bell went. We weren’t even allowed to talk amongst ourselves during the whole forty-five minutes of lunch break.

  Absolute torture.

  I would have to notify the United Nations or something. I’m sure that wasn’t allowed. But what surprised me more was that two others had joined us
in the room.

  One of whom was kind of expected.

  Owen Jones was the school’s troublemaker and resident knuckle dragger. He was built like a tank, complete with high forehead, short spiked hair, thick nose, and beady eyes. A real charmer. Owen spent his time in detention trying to distract us all by flicking little wadded up pieces of paper into the back of our heads.

  Ben wasn’t impressed and glared at him often. No doubt there would be words between the two of them later. I smiled at that. Ben may be a jock to the bone, but like Leif said, he was empathetic to others, especially the nerdy boys who always volunteered to help him with his homework.

  Smart boy, Ben was.

  The other person with us was a surprise. She was Britney’s BFF, Lucy, and she was an “A-grade” student and brownnoser if ever there was one. Why was she here? I sensed trouble, and it didn’t take long for it to manifest itself.

  It was Leif who alerted me to what had transpired with a gentle nudge of his foot against mine.

  A note had been passed to Ben from Lucy.

  The moment after Ben had read it, he stood up, chair scraping across the linoleum. He looked angry, his calm, cheery demeanour stained by whatever he’d read.

  Everyone looked at him.

  “Get your facts straight, Lucy,” Ben yelled, “before you start spreading rumours like this.”

  She shrugged her shoulders, giving him a curled lip sneer for good measure. Ben scrunched up the note before shoving it into his pocket.

  Coach Williams glared through one eye at him. “You’ve earned yourself another detention tomorrow, DeGennaro.” Ben sat down after gathering his chair, arms folded and still wearing a narrow-eyed scowl that reflected his disposition perfectly. “And you as well, Jones. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you spit-wadding everyone.”