Death's Favorite Warlock

by Charles Dean

  But . . . Lars had an urge, but his “polite society” heart was pushing him to suppress it.

  Do it, Lars. I know what’s in your heart, and you need to just do it.

  You know what? Fine. I’m doing it! Lars thought as he walked toward Desdemona, opening up his hand and looking at her as she stared back at him.

  That’s it. You can do it. It’s the right thing.

  Needing no further encouragement, Lars did it. He slapped Desdemona as hard as he could right across the face.

  SMACK!!

  It was almost hard enough to topple her over where she sat, but lacking that little bit of extra force, it only left her wide-eyed and wide-mouthed, staring at Lars in shock.

  Gods, that felt good, Lars thought. He couldn’t help but smile a little despite his now-stinging hand.

  “W-what the . . .” Desdemona stammered. “Why did you do that?”

  Lars raised his hand, unsure if he wanted to do it again. “What? You don’t want me to slap you again? Is that it?”

  “No, I . . . that freaking hurt!”

  “You think it’s not going to hurt when a monster is tearing at your flesh? Ripping you limb from limb with its sharp teeth? You think you’re going to get lucky and die as fast as Ramon did? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, I grew up trouncing through the woods. Most animals don’t get to die quickly. They just have to lie there and watch, their eyes wide open, as some monster or critter bites, picks, and gnaws at their entrails and bones. Death isn’t quick for them, and the realization doesn’t settle in fast, so let me tell you what’s most likely going to happen. You’re right: you’re going to die. You’re going to die for sure if you just sit there and do nothing. You might not if you run, you might not if you come with me, and you might not if you fight back, but if you stay still and wait, it’s gonna happen. It’s certain.”

  Lars paused for a second and studied her face. Her expression sank as if her skin had lost a little of its elasticity, and that was exactly what he wanted.

  “I can tell you exactly how it’s going to happen too. The beast, if it’s like most of the predators I have seen, is going to come at you. No matter how tough and resigned to death you seem now, you’re going to run. Your body won’t be able to help it. It’s in your bones to either fight or flee, and you clearly don’t have any fight, so you’ll try to get up and turn to run. But you’ll be too slow. If it isn’t a venomous one like that baem, it’ll bite your leg. It’s either going to try to tear at your ankles or your joints or clamp its whole head onto your leg before using its weight to pull you down. When you hit the ground, unable to run anymore, it’s going to push forward, snapping and biting at your weakest and softest flesh. For you, that’s going to be your stomach. You’ll try to fight back, but there won’t be a point. It’ll use its claws to maul and slash you and use its weight to hold you down, and then it’ll just keep gnawing at you. It’ll bite, rip, tear, and tug at your belly, at your chest, at your thighs. Anything that’s easy to get its teeth into. It’ll pull at you until, eventually, if you’re lucky, you finally bleed out and die. That monster’s teeth sinking into your flesh like a dozen small knives ripping at your body will be the last thing you ever feel . . .”

  Desdemona gulped, and her sinking face twisted into a look of pure abject horror. Lars knew she had processed what he had said, and the message had worked.

  You could slap her again. That was fun. Just right across the face, good old open palm. Maybe it’ll work if you do it again!

  “What . . . What do I do?” she asked “I don’t want to die that way. I just want to go back to the sect. It was cold. It sucked. I was hit a lot, but it was safe. I just want to go back. I want to go back and be safe. I don’t want that . . .”

  Well, it’s my master’s orders. Lars was preparing to slap her again when Desdemona reached out with a hand and tugged at his shirt.

  “Please, don’t let this happen to me. You must know what to do. That voice, whatever it is, in your head, it has a solution, right?”

  “Yeah, it does,” Lars answered, pointing to the gathered rocks. “I’ll go grab the other fang while you make yourself a spear.”

  “Okay.” Without another word, she got up and began working. He could tell that her hands were trembling a little at first, but they still worked quickly and without pause as she mimicked the motions she had watched him make when he made his spear.

  You just going to watch her?

  Lars had taken less than a minute to get the second fang out of the baem’s mouth, and when he had finished, he saw that Desdemona was still trying her best to create a wedge for the spear. Maybe. He walked over to where she had been sitting, picked up a piece of meat, and took a bite. Even if the smoke and char added some nice flavor, it was still too chewy for his liking.

  Bacon would be better, but there really isn’t snake bacon. We need to find pigs. Big, fat, delicious pigs.

  What? What the hell is a pig?

  Oh, right. They’re like the ancestors of the dwaejinn . . . which, of course, you don’t know either. They’re big, fat, food-carrying dispensaries.

  Oh . . . Lars tried to think about what a dwaejinn might look like or what would qualify as a big, fat, food-carrying dispensary.

  Trust me. You’re going to love eating one. Every bit of knowledge I have says it’ll be the best experience of our life.

  You mean my life, right? Lars laughed as he handed the finished spear to Desdemona, who was looking at him oddly, likely because he was laughing to himself despite the awful scenario they were in.

  It’s not yours; it’s ours. Stop being selfish.

  One of these days, you’re going to have to . . . Lars was about to finish his thought when he heard the crinkling of leaves nearby. He quickly turned his head, but all he saw was a small, little arboreal rodent scurry up the side of a tree before disappearing.

  You’re jumpier than that rodent. Your heart is beating so fast it’s going to punch your chest to death at this rate. Calm down.

  Right. Calm down. Now, it’s a waiting game, Lars thought as he looked over at the bowl of poison he had made.

  “What’s that for?” Desdemona asked.

  “To keep us safe.” Not wanting to explain his plan the whole way, he just shrugged. He knew what he wanted to do, but he wasn’t sure that his plan would work, and he didn’t need to give her any more reasons to doubt him given that her confidence in what seemed like everything had been shaken to the core.

  You’re worried too much about a single slave. She’s property at the moment. You can treat her like a person, but she’s not. Though . . . the way that magic slave choker looks across her neck . . . kinda makes you want to . . . you know?

  Want to what? Lars didn’t feel like even entertaining what he assumed his master was insinuating.

  You’re really no fun at all. I can’t get you to take a life; I can’t get you to make a life.

  We might die right now. Get your priorities straigh— Lars paused. Once more, leaves crinkled and scattered behind him. He whipped his head around in the direction the sound came from as he tried to see what it was.

  Another arboreal nightmare. Not just one either, but two.

  Two. Right. Why is it two? Lars asked himself as he looked around. It didn’t seem right. Typically, he would have had a hard time spotting a single one of the little critters, but this time, he had seen two—two that were nearby, coming out of the woods, but not approaching him.

  “Get ready,” he whispered as softly as he could to Desdemona. “The first wave of whatever you brought is here.”

  “The first wave?” Desdemona asked, gulping as she also began to look in the direction Lars was facing.

  There it is! Lars thought when he noticed the approaching beast. It was so silent that he might never have even figured out it was there if not for the furry-tailed, root-eating devils that had scurried to the tops of the trees.

  He pointed his spear at it only to realize that there were five of them. Ea
ch one was barely tall enough to come up to Lars’s waist, yet they were as long as he was tall. Their heads, which seemed to be nothing more than two beady eyes and a pair of nostrils attached to long, tight rows of teeth, jutted forward like a chicken’s as they walked on their two large legs. Their feet were bird-like toes, and they each had two large clawed, wing-like arms that were folded tightly to their bodies. Behind them, there were massive bright-red, orange, white, and yellow tail feathers that plumed outward.

  They moved forward, step by step, barely making a sound. Lars’s breathing proved louder than any noise coming from their direction.

  “What . . . What in the hell are those?” Desdemona asked as she gripped her spear tightly, widening her stance and turning to face the feathered monsters approaching them. With a free hand, Lars picked up one of the pieces of meat, staring the beasts down as he quickly ate it. As he did, their lips split and revealed that the row of teeth wasn’t one, but two.

  Smile for the camera, right?

  The what? Lars asked, not sure if he was supposed to interpret that as advice for the fight that was going to occur.

  Nothing. Just be ready. Don’t act so nonchalant. Those large legs of theirs are perfect for leaping, and they’ll take advantage of that ability. They also aren’t going to fight you with their clawed wings necessarily. Those are probably just for balance. Their goal is to intimidate you. Then, when you turn around, they’re going to pounce on your back and use their body weight to hold you still while they eat you.

  Lars nodded, studying the figures. He noted everything she warned him about. “Don’t back up or turn around. You’re dead if you do,” Lars warned Desdemona as he held the bowl of poison-filled water tightly with his left hand and the spear with his right. He was waiting for them to get closer, to get more arrogant and foolhardy with their approach before he did anything. He only had a few advantages, and distance was the most important. If he lost that advantage or gave it up carelessly, he was dead.

  “Right,” Desdemona said as she inched closer to his right side, her footwork as careful as that of the approaching predators.

  Lars felt the anxiety start to build up within him. In the previous fights, he hadn’t had time to let it sink in, but now he did. His stomach felt as if it were hollowing out, his vision had narrowed, his heart was racing, and his throat had tightened, forcing him to drag in larger and larger gulps of air as he struggled to keep his wits.

  And my damn nose is itching too, Lars grumbled, wanting to reach up and scratch it but not having the chance. Both his hands were full, and he didn’t want to awkwardly try to use one all the same and leave himself vulnerable. To make matters worse, the beasts had gone from filing into the little clearing one at a time, practically walking in each other’s footsteps, to fanning out as they studied Lars and Desdemona.

  “Oh my freaking gods, JUST GET ON WITH IT!” Lars finally yelled at the giant predators coming toward him. He might have been putting on a strong face, but he just couldn’t take the anxiety of it all.

  As if stunned by his words, the creatures halted for a second, standing in place as their heads lurched upward, but then they lowered their heads and darted right toward him, mouths open as they let loose their own shrieks.

  Fast! Too fast! Lars thought, worrying for a moment as he emptied the whole bowl full of poison onto the fire, dropped the now-empty bowl, and gripped his spear with both hands. Please work quickly!

  Clever. Not exactly how I would have done it, but nice. You really can’t go wrong with poison; it’s the best weapon in the world when used right.

  Help or be quiet! Lars barked back. Gripping his spear tightly, he faced the first incoming enemy. He could see the smoke from the now-smoldering fire plume upward, and the putrid yellow gas blanketed the area around them as it began to spread out.

  The monster in front of him let out another ear-piercing roar, and its tail feathers extended in all directions momentarily before it jumped at Lars.

  “Stab it!” Lars shouted to Desdemona, doing his best to sidestep as he used the shaft of his spear to hit the beast on the side of its ankle and knock it to the ground. The blow took every ounce of strength he had in him, but it worked, and the creature slid to the ground, its forward momentum sliding it past Lars and Desdemona.

  At the same time, Desdemona pierced it in the rear with her fang-tipped weapon.

  “ME! ME!” Desdemona seemed to be at a loss for words as she quickly backed away from the next beast.

  “No, if you turn, you’re dead!” Lars warned, seeing the panic in her face. He moved away from the monster between them, trying to circle around to Desdemona even as the downed monster flailed at the ground, slowly righting itself.

  No, you stay dead! Lars used his spear more like a quarterstaff, striking the back end of it into the monster’s eye socket.

  “HELP!” Desdemona cried out, and Lars turned to see that she had failed to pull off any sidestepping maneuver like he had. The beast had knocked her to the ground. One of its clawed feet pressed down on her chest, and the monster was about to chomp at her.

  Crap! Lars darted as fast as he could, smashing the spiked fang end of his spear, still filled with venom he had hoped to save for defending himself, into the monster’s tongue as it opened its mouth to bite Desdemona.

  The spear tip went into the soft flesh of the tongue, piercing through to the floor of the monster’s mouth and causing the creature to spew blood everywhere. The monster’s jaws reflexively closed, and its massive teeth crunched down hard into Lars’s weapon, yanking it upward and nearly breaking the shaft in two as the speed and power in the attack forced Lars to let go of his weapon, leaving him unarmed with a monster in front of him and another to his left.

  The monster in front of him let out a horrid, ear-piercing screech that sent blood flying everywhere from the spear that it couldn’t dislodge from the bottom of its mouth. Its clawed foot kept digging into Desdemona, who was still trapped underneath the creature. She let out her own screams of pain as she writhed, squirmed, and tried to break free.

  “I’m taking this,” Lars said, grabbing her spear and turning back to the monster that had been stabbed in the butt. He was planning on finishing it off, but instead of it lunging toward him, it just slumped down. He whirled around, looking for the three remaining ones, and noticed they were moving lethargically too, as if they were trying to push through knee-deep water, as they started to circle Lars and the downed Desdemona.

  They’ve breathed in the poison. The longer it stays in their systems, the more lethargic they’ll be. It’s faster than if the beasts had swallowed it, but slower than if you had managed to stab it into their veins.

  So, I just need to stall them, he thought, trying to figure out how. If he could run away, the poison would have more time to disperse through their blood. But I can’t run . . . so . . . Lars kept turning around, waiting for one of the beasts to attack, until the monster on top of Desdemona finally slouched over in a poisoned stupor, collapsing onto her chest and pinning her in place.

  The next two creatures worked together and attacked Lars’s right and left sides at the same time, circling around the beast on top of Desdemona as they rushed in. Lars knew from their size and speed he couldn’t dodge or move out of the way of both attacks, so rather than trying to avoid the hits, he threw his spear up in front of him, preventing the closest monster from getting a proper bite at his abdomen. When the monster’s attack struck at him, he used the force from the impact to roll to his right, bouncing away from the monster’s body and preventing it from crushing him with its bodyweight alone. Just as Lars thought he was free, the beast extended its left wing and clotheslined him, sending him straight to the dirt. The beast attempted to follow up by stepping on him, but Lars was able to dodge the stomp by rolling to the side before standing up as quickly as he could. His spear was somehow still intact despite the monster’s weight nearly breaking it down the middle when it tried to bite him, so he stabbed the beast
right in what he assumed was its rib cage, digging the baem’s fang at the end of the spear as deep as he could. He heard the other beast approach him from behind before he could finish off the wounded creature, and he instantly spun around, ripping his spear out of the one creature and preparing to defend against the other, but what greeted him was simply the sight of a staggering monster, vacantly staring at him and then falling over.

  Holy crap, that poison was effective . . . Lars stared at the incapacitated beasts. He had expected the fight to be much closer, to have to battle it out to the death.

  You only took 19 damage from the claw attack! This is good news! Now quickly, before they fight off the poison or die, go finish them off.

  Our definition of good news is different. Losing half of my HP in a single strike isn’t good news to me, Lars thought as he grabbed the spear and went up to the monster he hadn’t attacked yet. He shoved the speartip straight into the creature’s eye socket with as much force as he could. Since the thing wasn’t moving, he was able to really put his power into the thrust. Halfway into the stab, however, he stopped and let go of his spear as his master barked out an order.

  STOP! NO!!! You have an active quest! Complete it quickly before that stab of yours finishes it off!

  Oh! Right! Thanks to the fight, Lars had completely forgotten about his active quests. He dropped the spear, lowered himself, and activated Knife Hand right at the eye he had already dug into. He knew that the beast was finally dead when he felt the joy of a cool breeze on a hot day, and his mind relaxed as a cloud of green and purple Qi coursed out of the beast and into him.

  Damn it feels so good.

  It took Lars a second to realize those were her words, not his, as he bathed in the euphoric feeling of the kill.

  Congratulations. You have successfully killed a rontin chicken. You have gained

  22 stat points. Your elemental affinity with Wind Qi has increased by 10.

  Congratulations. You have successfully completed the following quest: Kill or be killed.