Cjiena: Beginnings

by Patrice Caraway

The thought filled me with a peace, one that I hadn’t remembered feeling for quite some time. I knew now that my decision would allow all the pain inside me to finally fade away into oblivion. The plant began to work. At first, images that reminded me of Ulgog’s sacred writing filled my mind, but then the overdose began to take effect, my heart raced, and I felt my eyelids become heavy, and sleep began to overtake me. My pulse slowed, my breath became shallow, and the world gave way as I waited for death to come and find me.

  STRANGER IN A DREAM

  I awoke sometime later in a mysterious glen, on a hill high above a loch that was covered with luscious green grass and spotted by a few trees. There was a slight breeze in the air, which brought the scent of rain I stared in wonderment as I watched the strange birds soar high above and gently come to rest on the lake’s surface.

  Where am I?

  Suddenly, I heard someone whisper my name “Cjiena”, as a breeze ran through the high grass.

  I jumped to my feet to search around me. “Cjiena”. Once again, my name came. Although the voice was not threatening, I felt my heart dance in fear. “Come to me Cjiena”.

  My curiosity getting the better of me, I stepped through the tall grasses and found myself standing on a worn path that wound its way down the hill. “Cjiena, follow the path Cjiena.”

  I turned around in circles, trying to discern which direction the voice was really coming from, except it seemed to be coming from everywhere and yet from nowhere and nothing. Nervously, I stepped forward and began down the path, following it towards the base of a hill. When I reached the bottom, the sun shone directly into my eyes, and all I could see was the shadow of a rather large man coming towards me.

  I shielded my eyes as he seemed to overtake the horizon. He stood over seven feet tall, large muscles rippled with each movement. Dressed in animal furs from head to toe, little pieces of stone and feathers were intertwined in his dark locks. Around his neck rested a claw of a large animal. He leaned against a staff, a large smile playing across his face as he stared at me with brilliant emerald eyes that glittered with mischief. The wind danced through his hair, draped down his back where I saw his two beautiful wings of white. Excitement coursed through me. For a moment I hoped he could be my father, but I frowned and shook my head. I looked nothing like him. I knew from watching the other children that they each had some resemblance to the man who married their mother.

  “Come, and let us speak,” he said, gesturing at me with his hand.

  I drew closer, ruffling my wings in excitement, and stood as tall as I could. He still towered over me, but I knew I would grow taller in the coming years and might someday be of his height. He motioned for me to sit on a large rock to his right. With haste, I followed his direction. He quickly grasped my hand and carefully helped me to sit down. I was immediately mesmerized by him. I had never been treated with such respect by anyone other than my mother and Ulgog. His grin broadened, as he sat down beside me. “Who are you?” I asked.

  “I am someone just as yourself. Born by a mortal woman who lay with what your people called a Winged One.”

  The blood seemed to drain from my face as I stared at him. I couldn’t think straight. Thousands of questions began to go flying through my head. I felt as if my whole world was spinning. “Is silence your only response?”

  “I don’t know what to say. Am I dreaming?”

  The man leaned his head back and roared with laughter. Feeling foolish, I blushed and lowered my head, as tears began to well up. Even now, when I met one of my own kind, I was laughed and mocked. All I had ever wanted was this moment, but even my dreams proved I would and could never be accepted. I wrapped my arms around myself and turned away from him and stared out into the unfamiliar sky. “You are still too young,” he said gently as he stroked my hair,” but your time will one day come, and that is when I will tell you all that you wish to know, and teach you even more.”

  Tears soon began to spill over, “Please don’t leave me,” I pleaded as I sobbed, “I don’t want to be alone anymore. No one understands me, no one wants me. I’m scared they are going to kill me”

  “Cjiena, you must learn to overcome your fears. You will live a purely unenjoyable existence if you continue to let the humans determine who and what you are.”

  “And what do you know of that?” I snapped at him, hurt that I was not allowed to stay.

  “I know everything.” He responded with a smile that seemed only to mock me.

  And with that the dream faded.

  SHADOWS

  Two days later I awoke. Time had stood still, and I thought it was all finally over. I realized that I was still where I had first lain. I closed my eyes, trying to stave off the nausea that arose when looking at the light, and to lift the fog of confusion that clouded my mind. I heard a twig snap to my right, and something large and heavy walked towards me. I kept my eyes closed to feign death, hoping whatever animal might leave me be. It leaned down and I could feel its heavy breathing across my face, when it nickered and nuzzled me. I opened my eyes and saw Quilari standing there.

  I reached up and gently stroked her nose, while she sniffed at my ear, as I maneuvered myself into a sitting position and drew my knees to my chest. My wings screamed at me in pain, matted with dried blood and covered in dirt. I sat and cried. I was still alive. With that there was still the sadness and the pain, the hurt, the anger, and bitterness, and most of all I still was cursed. My emotions beat upon me in waves, and even the loving tenderness that Quilari lavished upon me could not hold back my unwavering sadness, but then I realized fear was also hidden amongst my emotions.

  The Great Mother had not taken me, the daughter of one of her celestial children. Why hadn’t she taken me? What did that mean about me? Did that me she didn’t want me either?

  The deep recesses in the depths of my soul, which had memorized every derogatory thing said of me simply whispered “Yes” and pain exploded in my chest, as I choked on my sobs. My mind racing, I began to talk to myself, adding to all the taunts and humiliations that had gone on over the years.

  I reminded myself how stupid and ugly I was, how no one ever wanted me. Even the Mother could never want something as repulsive as myself. I was cursed, cursed just like the Winged One’s child from Ulgog’s story of Ada-pa. I was cursed to walk in this world forever more, with the wings that would haunt me daily.

  For most of the day, I sat there while Quilari grazed nearby. She never went far, and sometimes would come over to sniff me. When the sun began to set, I watched the stars come out, twinkling in the heavens.

  A chorus of wolves howled in the distance. The sound rushed through my veins and gave me a shiver down my spine. Calling out again, the wolves’ song filled my soul. Closing my eyes and throwing back my head, I answered their calls, never noticing the two brilliant blue spheres gazing at me from the tree above. I continued to listen to their serenade, a smile crossing my lips as if their howls released a prayer upon the wind.

  Suddenly, I felt a stirring within me. My eyes snapped open, and I waited to hear a noise, but the woods were silent except for the call of the birds, who seemed to never have been concerned in the first place. Slowly, I maneuvered myself so that I could crouch down on my heels, ready to spring at anything that hoped to attack, but still nothing came.

  Nervous, and unable to figure out what had caused me to feel threatened, I decided to make camp at the clearing, a refuge I could call my own, but first I needed to bathe and wash the blood from my wings and from my clothing. I headed towards the closest stream. Not once did I notice the mysterious eyes in the treetops, which followed me as I left, nor did I see them disappear.

  REFLECTIONS

  I pushed myself away from the computer slowly, the feelings of the past crashing down upon me. I could feel every wave of emotion as if it only happened yesterday. I had never spoken aloud about my suicide attempt. It wasn’t a part of something I was proud to admit. Looking back, all I could feel was an overwhelming sense
of shame.

  I went into Zachariah's kitchen and quietly looked for a kettle to warm some water. I was able to find one hidden in the back of a cabinet and pulled it out. As I filled it in the sink, I stared out the window to the few stars that flickered in the distance. It was hard to imagine that those were the same stars I looked upon so many years ago, that they were unchanged, although the world which I have lived changed.

  It took me a moment to realize that water was overflowing and trickling down my hands. I sighed, turning the water off and set it on the stove burners before turning it on. The gas clicked a few times before catching light, and the only noise that could be heard was the soft hissing of the flames. I watch them closely as they licked the bottom of the kettle and was reminded of the bonfire from that fateful night. A single tear trickled down my cheek and I reached to wipe it away. Shaking my head, I breathed in deeply, then went to the pantry in search of tea.

  Like the kettle, a small sad little crushed box was stashed in the back, where only a few bags remained. It was chamomile, a calming tea, one that I remember drinking fondly when I was younger. I closed my eyes for a minute, and inhaled it’s scent, and saw flashes of grinding herbs for Ulgog in my mind. A sob rose to my throat, and unable to suppress it, tears welled and overflowed. “Oh Ulgog, if you could see me now” I thought. “If you could see what the world has become, so far from your teachings”

  I heard the whistle of the kettle behind me, and quickly took it off the burner to silence it’s cries. I held my breath listening, hoping I hadn’t disturbed Zachariah's slumber. With no other sounds but the hiss of the burner, I exhaled and reached to turn off the knob.

  Finding a mug in the cupboard, I put my little bag in the bottom, and slowly poured over the hot water. Swirling it, I inhaled deeply again and sadly smiled. This is one invention Ulgog would have been delighted in, as so much of our work had been drying herbs and preparing tinctures. But even now, I know he would have told me that the preparation was just as important as the application, and probably would have scoffed at the companies who created such wonders.

  Taking my tea, I wondered over to a large window in Zachariah's living room and instead of looking to the sky, I looked to the lights below. I watched as people still up and about scurried to their destinations despite it being the wee hours of the morning. They were all so carefree, while I myself had such a large burden weighing my heart.

  I thought back to the last few centuries, and how human’s knowledge and innovation had seemed to explode if overnight, their advancements outstripping any time that had come before. But had they themselves really changed so much? They were just as ugly now as they were then. Greed and Power still drove many, and to those that didn’t succumb, they would be swept away.

  Things that humans could not fathom, let alone comprehend, where suppressed and destroyed. The day I tried to take my life was a day that I had let my human side overcome me, and I sought to destroy myself. How many lives had been wasted by those feelings? Overwrought with such sadness that they were willing to take their own lives to silence their pain. I knew much sadness through the years, but that moment was when I felt death would surely be preferable than to living one more moment with such pain.

  Through my many years, I know that that was one of the single moments that defined me. It was the one that drove me to seek answers and understanding, it was the one that I knew I would never wanted another to feel that way. It was the whisper in my mind that I sought to silence, the one that stated I was unworthy and unloved. I spent my whole life trying to make someone love me. I know now that it was I who needed to learn to love myself, but that was a thought that had always been seeded into my mind.

  Shaking my head, I took another sip of my tea, and turned back towards the desk where I sat back down once again to type.

  Ulgog in Training

  MYTHS AND LEGENDS

  Days passed before I made my way back to the tribe were, I kept mostly to myself. There was no mention of my absence, nor any of my wings which had been mangled and torn. Ulgog never said a word to me as he bandaged them and wrapped me in an old cloak to hide the damage. I realized he was ashamed of me, of who I was, and so the relationship between my family and I became strained, fueled by the inner turmoil my heart continuously wrestled with. The betrayal of my mother and Ulgog had shaken me to my core. The very foundation of the life which I had led up until now began to crumble.

  To me, I could no longer trust them, and when they spoke to me affectionately, I would fight back the urge to vomit, the taste of my suicide attempt seemed to permanently fill my mouth. Blood would pound in my ears, my heart racing whenever they were near me, thinking eventually they would find out my secret – of the Mother’s refusal to accept me. Sometimes, I would catch Ulgog watching me from the corner of my eye and thought to myself he must surely know what I had done. It made me even more hurt and angry.

  In some ways I began to hate them. I desperately wanted things to go back to the way which they once were. Sometimes I would pretend they were, but there was always some reminder of what the truth really was.

  Our home was filled with many awkward silences, and questions asked of me usually received short answers. I could barely look at them without feeling some amount of rage, and wanting to just lash out of them, and hurt them the same ways they hurt me, the same way I had been hurt my whole life.

  Most days I spent walking around the mountainside, and sometimes I refused to leave the hut.

  One morning while I sat in silence as my mother served us breakfast, Ulgog cleared his throat.

  “It has been awhile since I last told you a story.”

  I didn’t reply and feigned that I didn’t hear him. He began to draw some symbols in the ground. I knew that they were the sacred symbols used in ceremonies by Ulgog. “The memory of the Ulgogs who came before me show that at one time, these symbols were given to us by the Mother’s Winged Ones to help us communicate with her.”

  I immediately sat up straight and my attention focused on him. It had been so long since Ulgog had last spoken to me about my kind. “I seem to have gotten your attention finally” he chuckled.

  “Although mankind had started with Ada-pa in the land ruled by our creators, many generations had passed, and we forgot what Ada-pa had been taught. We had little understanding of how to use the land, resorting to simple hunting and eating animals raw.”

  “In that time, we forgot our creators. We were little more than animals ourselves. The Winged Ones had been sent by the Great Mother to watch over what she and the other creators had made. They, whose power was only outmatched by the Sacred Ones, lacked the one great thing which made us equal – our souls - which granted us free will, unlike the Winged Ones who were made to follow the orders of their creators.

  And so, they watched over our kind. Then something happened. The Winged Ones saw that despite us being physically weaker, despite our lack of knowledge and understanding, our free will gave heart to a new revelation, a new way of being – Emotions. Emotions drove us to doing greatness and sometimes terrible things beyond our normal feats. Anger and determination could drive us, while love seemed to be what many craved the most.”

  “For although they could not feel, the Winged Ones could pretend to feel. Some Winged Ones began to mimic those whom they watched. Some sought control and power, just as our own sought to dominate. Others simply sought to learn love and its power above all things.”

  “Some Ulgog’s think that maybe some of the Winged Ones sought to become the creators themselves, but I happen to think that the Winged Ones wanted to prove themselves to the Mother, to please the Sacred Ones, and replace what they had lost when Ada-pa and his family were cast out of their domain.”

  “But some Winged Ones took their lessons to far. Those who sought power seemed to take on the personality of men who were corrupt and evil, torturing humankind into doing their will. They taught humans how to build mighty war machines, to build boats as long as t
he tallest tree, to make weapons unmatched by anything seen before. The metal balls you sometimes see our people collect are remnants of this age long gone.

  Then there were those of the Winged Ones who tried to understand love, community, and family. They saw humans working together and taking care of one another, so in turn they lived besides humans sharing their knowledge of plants and herbs. Some Ulgogs were told of lands where man had tamed the land and were growing whatever, they required. Another gift to us by the Winged Ones.”

  “They also taught us of how to make fire to keep warm and to cook our food. The gift of weaving, sewing, tanning, pottery, even building our homes were all given to us by these beings to help us survive. Their greatest gift, however, was teaching us about our beginning and where we came from, and so like Ada-pa, we relished in our creator.”

  “But just as Ada-pa’s wife bore a child of mixed spirits, so did other women, for some of the Winged Ones mimicked us in everything – including the act which created life.

  “The Great Mother became angry at the Winged Ones for creating children, and in return she sought to punish again. This time however, man was not only to blame, but those who she had sent down to walk among us.”

  The Mother fixed each Winged One as they were in that moment, but she set them on the extreme opposites. The bad became evil; dark and foul, the good became wonderful in all that they did, their light matching the evil in the dark. And she banished all unto our world for disobeying her orders.”

  “But how did the Winged Ones fail her?” I interrupted. “Weren’t they just doing as she commanded?”

  “Well, and this is just my thought, as none should claim to know the mind of the Sacred Ones. The Winged Ones were sent to watch, and that is why some people call them ‘Watchers’. By engaging in the lives of men, they had not followed the Mother’s order. Maybe they misunderstood her, not understanding their roles, but that I cannot say. All we know is they interrupted the course of man, possibly the larger part of the Sacred Ones design of how we were to learn and grow. Either way they were punished.”