Thorns Before Roses

by Hanna Ruthie

  “You can ask about him if you want,” I say softly.

  “Shit,” he mutters quietly, running a hand over his mouth. “I didn’t mean it like that Josie, I’m sorry. I just meant… it’s hard for me to talk about this stuff.”

  “I know it is,” I reply.

  “Well, I told you where I grew up and that’s all I’m comfortable with. So don’t go bugging me about other stuff.”

  “You don’t have to get so mad at me,” I whisper. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you by asking about it.”

  Matthew releases a sigh. Through my peripheral vision, I see him run a hand through his hair. Then, he grabs my hand with his. He fits his fingers through mine, and I watch as he brings the back of my hand up to his mouth, pressing a kiss there.

  “I know you weren’t,” he says quietly. “I’m sorry. It’s just my instinct to get angry. I’m not mad at you, I promise.”

  I turn towards him again, scooting closer. With my free hand, I brush my fingers through his hair.

  “Who hurt you Matthew?”

  He shuts his eyes and shakes his head. “Don’t Josie. I’m not ready for that.”

  I can see the pain in his features. He opens his eyes and looks down, memories flooding his mind. He looks so hurt. I just want to fix it. I have to make him feel better.

  “Okay,” I say softly. “I’m sorry.”

  I lean close to him, kissing him. I can tell he’s surprised by the action, but I continue on my mission, hoping to take his mind off of whatever it is that’s torturing him. I let myself taste him, breathe him in. I let my body want his. I let my heart need his. I let my lips touch his. I just want to be something to him. I don’t need all of him at once, but I need him to know I’m here and I’m staying. Matthew releases my hand as I kiss him. Instead, his hands cradle my cheeks, brushing into my hair.

  “Josie…” he whispers. My name has never sounded so sweet. Matthew Steele is whispering my name. Mine! He kisses me back, harder. It makes me a little self conscious, only because we’re in public. And suddenly, I want to be alone. Back in the dark of his truck, or cuddled on my couch.

  “Matthew,” I whisper, breaking the kiss. “Can we go somewhere?”

  “Where is somewhere?” He asks, resting his forehead against mine.

  “Your place? Mine?”

  Matthew groans, shaking his head against me. “I want to, trust me. But we shouldn’t.”

  “Are you sure?” I ask, kissing his jaw. “‘Cause I sorta think we really should.”

  “Fuck,” he groans softly. “Josie, you’ve got to stop.”

  He puts his hands on my shoulder, keeping me at a small distance. I frown.

  “Matthew-”

  “Josie, I’m trying to respect you. I don’t want to move too fast.”

  I release a heavy breath, one full of pent up sexual frustration. This is him trying. This is him being the good guy. This is him proving that I am different. That I’m more than some time in bed. His hands fall from my shoulders and I laugh lightly. Look what’s become of us. Matthew Steele wants to take it slow and I want him in bed. I turn to Johnny and signal for the check. He brings it over and I take it quickly, before Matthew has the chance to.

  “Josie, hand it over,” Matthew says, holding his hand out for the check.

  I shake my head, pulling cash out of my backpack and sliding it into the folder.

  “I told you I would treat you to burgers so that’s what I’m going to do.”

  “Josie,” Matthew sighs. “Come on, let me pay for you please.”

  “No way.”

  I wave the little black folder over my head, hoping Johnny will see it and get it quickly. Matthew lunges, trying to grab it, but I manage to keep it just out of his grasp. I get out of the booth and scramble towards Johnny, looking over my shoulder to make sure Matthew’s not following me.

  “Here,” I say, shoving the bill in Johnny’s hand. “Keep the change.”

  Johnny laughs, taking the bill. “He doesn’t want you to pay huh?”

  I shake my head no, laughing lightly. I’m about to make my way back when Johnny’s words keep me in place.

  “You’re good for him you know,” he says. “I’ve never seen him act this way. He really cares about you.”

  I blush and smile. “Thanks Johnny. That’s good to hear. I really care about him too.”

  Johnny smiles and nods. “Better get back to him.”

  I look back and see Matthew sulking, watching us. I turn back to Johnny and laugh. “Thanks again.”

  He gives me a wink. “Sure thing.”

  I head back to Matthew, sliding into the booth next to him. His arms are crossed over his chest and I tug them apart.

  “You’re welcome,” I say.

  Matthew grumbles something under his breath.

  “What was that?” I ask.

  “Thank you,” he says, still quietly.

  I laugh, rolling my eyes at this grumpy man in front of me.

  “Come on,” I say, tugging on his hands. “Take me home please.”

  Matthew follows me out of the booth, letting me hold his hand. He waves goodbye to Johnny and walks me out. When we get to his truck, he opens the door for me and then goes over to his side.

  “So what’s the rush?” He asks, starting the ignition. “Have to be home before the clock strikes midnight Cinderella?”

  I look over at him, squinting. “No, I just have plans early tomorrow.”

  “What kinds of plans?”

  “Cammy’s getting blood work done early so I’m going with her.”

  Matthew nods. He grabs my hand with his own and kisses the back of it again, holding my knuckles against his lips. I watch him as he does it, my stomach flipping, my heart melting. Eventually he drops my hand from his mouth and drives me home. When he pulls up in front of my place, he puts the truck in park.

  “You coming in?” I ask, hopeful.

  He shakes his head. “No, but I just wanted to say something.”

  “Go ahead,” I say, a little warry.

  “Well,” he starts. “I just wanted to say, you’re a really good sister. And whatever happens with Cammy, I think you should remember that.”

  I look down. A lump forms in my throat and I try my best to swallow it down. Wow. I was not expecting that. That was…

  “Thank you,” I say, still looking down at our hands.

  I feel Matthew’s lips press gently against my forehead. I shut my eyes, soaking in the feeling. This guy…

  “Goodnight,” he whispers, pulling back.

  I release his hand from my own, leaning forward to press a kiss against his cheek.

  “Goodnight Matthew.”

  Chapter 28

  Matthew Steele.

  It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She wasn’t supposed to be like me. She wasn’t supposed to be the way she is. She was supposed to be perfect. Unflawed, untouched, unburdened. That way, I could at least pretend to hate her. But now, knowing what I do… Her Mom died in a tragic accident, her Dad is some deadbeat piece of shit thousands of miles away, her sister is sick. And she somehow managed to turn out so fucking good. Then there’s me. Just a kid who grew up in the slums. A crack addict Mom, a question mark for a Father, and I still can’t tell her about hardly any of it.

  I’m sitting on my bed, phone in my hands, trying to figure out a way to do this. I’m running out of time to ask Josie to this fucking banquet. Season’s over in two weeks and the banquet is the week after that. I look up at my bookshelf, noticing that Scarface is still missing. With a smile, I finally decide what to text Josie.

  Me: So, is Al Pacino ever coming back to me or have you just claimed him?

  I go to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich while I wait for her response. I’m halfway through making a mean PB&J when my phone buzzes.

  Josie: If you’re referring to Scarface, I’m afraid he has been claimed

  Me: I said borrow not steal

  Josie: You can always come get himr />
  Shit. Was that flirty? Or am I reading too into it? I finish my sandwich, trying to think up a response. When I’m finally finished, I put my sandwich to the side, typing out my response.

  Me: How do I know you’ll give him up?

  Josie: Tell you what, if you bring a movie we can watch, I’ll give up Pacino

  I smile at the idea. Josie Virginia is a sly little genius.

  Me: What time should I be over?

  Josie: Nine?

  Me: I’ll be there

  * * *

  “What did you bring?” Josie asks, opening the door for me.

  I chuckle, holding the DVD behind my back. “Relax Virginia, I’m not even through the door yet.”

  She opens it wider, letting me step inside. As soon as I’m in and my shoes are off, she tries to poke her head behind my back.

  “Not so fast,” I say, stopping her. “Aren’t you going to offer me a drink first or something?”

  She squints at me, heading to the fridge. “Do you want something to drink? Beer? Water?”

  “You have beer in your fridge? You’ve been holding out on me Virginia.”

  She opens the fridge, showing me what she has inside. I groan.

  “That’s not beer. That’s the fruity shit,” I complain.

  “It’s hard lemonade,” Josie argues. “What’s the problem? Not manly enough for you?”

  “I’ll take a water,” I reply, ignoring her question. She pulls two waters out of the fridge and hands me one.

  “Now can I see what you brought?”

  I shake my head, still holding the DVD behind my back with one hand. “Not so fast. I want to see Al first.”

  “Al?” Josie laughs. “I had no idea you and Scarface were on a first name basis.”

  I look at the counter. The flowers I got her weeks ago are wilted. I make a note to get her more.

  “You still have much to learn from me.”

  “Don’t I know it,” she replies under her breath. She heads to her TV and grabs Scarface, holding it up for me to see.

  “Alright,” I say. “On three, we trade.”

  Josie nods her head.

  “One… two… three.”

  We trade movies quickly and I wait for her reaction.

  “Psycho?” She asks, disappointed.

  “What’s wrong with Psycho?” I ask. “Psycho’s great! Who doesn’t like a little Alfred Hitchcock every now and then?”

  Josie frowns, flipping the DVD over to look at the back. “Great, now we’ve got to watch Norman Bates be crazy for two hours. Way to kill the mood.”

  I smile, moving closer to her. “I didn’t know there was a mood to kill.”

  “Oh there’s a mood alright,” she murmurs, still peering down at the DVD. “A murdery mood.”

  I step closer again, lifting her chin with my finger.

  “Hey,” I say softly.

  Her eyes soften, a smile appearing on her face. “Hi.”

  She stands tall to press a kiss against my lips. It’s soft and sweet and I keep it there, not wanting any more from her tonight. I’m still here on a mission. Invite her to the fucking banquet. She steps away from me, rubbing her lips together.

  “Fine,” she hums. “We can watch Psycho.”

  “I’m up for suggestions,” I say, sitting down on her couch.

  “I don’t have much,” she admits. “But we can look? They’re all in my room.”

  I spring up off the couch, excited to see her bedroom like a fucking fifteen year old. Josie laughs at my reaction and leads me down the hallway to her bedroom. She opens the door and steps in. I linger in the door frame, not wanting to invade her boundaries. When she looks back and sees me, she laughs.

  “You can come in Matthew. There’s no parents here to bust you.”

  Chuckling, I step into her room. It’s not like mine, but nothing about that surprises me. It’s so very Josie. There are photos all over the walls. There are pictures of her with another girl, one I assume is her sister. A couple pictures of her and Harper. Those two have been getting close lately. I’ll be lucky if Harper hasn’t blabbed to Josie about the banquet yet. A picture of a young couple strikes me and my eyes pause on it.

  “My parents,” Josie says.

  I nod my head, looking at the rest. There’s a picture of her with her Dad, laughing. She’s young, maybe twelve.

  “This is him?” I ask.

  Him. Piece of shit.

  “Yeah,” Josie says softly.

  I don’t know why she has the picture up, but I don’t pester her about it. One of her smiling next to a middle aged woman.

  “That’s Mom,” she says.

  I nod, moving away from the photos. I don’t want her to feel like she’s under a microscope. She’s sitting on the edge of her bed, watching me.

  “You ever get lonely here?” I wonder, sitting down next to her.

  “Sometimes,” she admits. “Usually I don’t mind being alone. I’m kinda an introvert. I think you and I are similar that way.”

  I nod my head, agreeing. “But still, you never consider roommates?”

  Josie hesitates, putting her hands underneath her thighs. “Well, Cammy and I used to live here together. Just for a little while. Before she got sick. I guess there’s a part of me that holds onto that. I don’t really want to change it in case she… gets to come back.”

  I put my arm around her shoulder, pulling her into my side. She wraps her arms around my stomach and looks up at me, smiling. I lean down and kiss her. I can’t help it, really. She’s so damn… incredible. Josie hums against me happily. When I break the kiss she sighs.

  “I like when you do that,” she says, snuggling her head back against my collarbone.

  “Do what? Kiss you?”

  She nods her head against me. “Yep.”

  I chuckle, rubbing my hand against her shoulder. We sit in silence for a minute and I force the words out of my mouth.

  “Hey, I’ve got to ask you something.”

  She removes her hands from around me, sitting back so she can face me. I remove my arm from her shoulders.

  “Go ahead,” she says.

  “Has Harper talked to you about a banquet?” I ask first, wondering if she’s been waiting for an invitation.

  Josie’s eyebrows pinch together in confusion. “No… a banquet? What banquet?”

  I release a long breath and adjust on the bed so I’m facing her.

  “So, at the end of basketball season, we have this banquet. It’s really fancy and shit. Everyone dresses up and we meet the team sponsors and there’s an auction, it’s this whole big deal.”

  “Okay,” Josie says, signaling for me to continue.

  “Right, so, every player gets a plus one, and usually I’d just go stag, but Thomas is bringing Harper, and Chris is bringing Ariana, so I was wondering if maybe you’d want me to ask you.”

  Josie raises her brows to me, leaning forward a little bit. “You were wondering if I wanted you to ask me to your banquet?”

  She doesn’t sound happy. Why doesn’t she sound happy? Shit.

  “Right.”

  She shakes her head. “Sorry Matthew, I’m not going to answer that.”

  I pause for a moment, swallowing. She’s not going to answer me? What the hell is-

  “If you want me to go, then you need to take responsibility and just ask me.”

  I stare at her, feeling dumb.

  “Didn’t I just do that?” I wonder.

  Josie stares at me for a moment. “No. You asked me if I wanted you to ask me.”

  I sit for a moment, thinking, confused as shit. “So… you do want me to ask you?”

  Josie rolls her eyes, frustrated. “Do you want me to go?”

  I swallow. I don’t answer. I stare at her. She looks at me, waiting. I don’t know what the right answer is anymore.

  “Yes?”

  Josie shakes her head at me, touching her forehead. “Matthew, it’s not a test. Just tell me how you feel.” />
  “I already did Josie,” I reply, getting frustrated myself.

  She groans, walking out of her bedroom and back towards the living room. I follow her, watching as she takes a sip of her water.

  “I don’t understand why you’re frustrated. You’re the one being confusing as shit.”

  Josie puts her water bottle down, shaking her head at me. “I swear Matthew sometimes you’re such a… such a boy!”

  “I am a boy!” I reply, putting my hands out in front of me.

  She groans again, putting her head in her hands. “I didn’t mean it like that! I meant you’re being immature!”

  “How the fuck-”

  “Matthew!” She interrupts. “Do you want me to go to the banquet?”

  “I thought I did but now I don’t know!” I reply, throwing my hands up.

  Josie crosses her arms over her chest, her eyes showing she’s hurt.

  “Oh now you’re sad?” I ask insensitively.

  Josie shakes her head at me. “You asked me if I wanted you to ask me to the banquet.”

  “Yes!”

  “Well why didn’t you just ask me? Why did you have to say all that other stuff?”

  “That was me asking you!”

  “No, Matthew, it wasn’t! You never actually said ‘Josie, I want you to go to the banquet with me’.”

  I roll my eyes. “It was implied,” I answer stubbornly.

  “Implied isn’t asking!”

  Irritated, I scoff. “Okay Josie, I’ll ask you then.”

  “I only want you to ask me if you actually want me to go, I don’t want you to ask me just to get out of an argument.”

  “Of course I want you to go!” I shout. Haven’t we been over this already?

  “Why?” She asks. “Is it just because Chris and Thomas are bringing dates?”

  “No!”

  “Then why?”

  “Because… just because!”

  Josie stomps her foot on the ground, pissed off. “What’s the problem Matthew? Am I not communicating this well enough?”

  “Oh no,” I laugh humorlessly. “You’re doing a fine job of communicating. I think you need to stop the communicating.”

  She crosses her arms over her chest, that hurt look back in her eyes. I groan, running my hands through my hair.