Thorns Before Roses

by Hanna Ruthie

  “Can I stay over at your place tonight?” I ask.

  He looks down at me, raising a brow. “Sure, if you want.”

  “I don’t have an overnight bag…”

  “I have an extra toothbrush. And I’d pay a good amount of money to see you sleep in one of my shirts.”

  I smile. “Oh I’ll do that for free.”

  “Yeah?” He chuckles, his hand sliding lower around my waist. It takes the breath out of me a little bit and I find myself relieved when our cab pulls up. We hop in and Matthew gives the driver his address. We sit in silence on the way back. My body is buzzing next to his. I know it in my heart… I’m ready. Tonight is the night.

  * * *

  “Can you unzip me?” I ask Matthew once we’re in the privacy of his own room.

  His glare on me is so hungry with desire I feel I’m about to combust. He nods his head and walks over to me, dragging the zipper down my back slowly. He swoops my hair to the side and kisses my neck and shoulders, pushing the sleeves down until the dress falls to my feet. I step out of my shoes and away from where the dress is pooled at my feet. When I turn back to Matthew, his eyes are eating up my body ravenously. All I’m wearing is a pair of cute panties. Feeling brave, I kiss him. He kisses me back hungrily, groaning as I pull off his tie and unbutton his shirt. In the meantime he kicks off his shoes and pulls off his socks. When his lips meet mine again, things become even more frenzied. He pulls his shirt off of his shoulders quickly, letting it fall to the ground by my dress. Not even breaking the kiss, he manages to shuck his pants off. He lifts me up and drops us on the bed, his kissing never ceasing. I’m on fire everywhere from where his hands explore. Rubbing, pinching, stroking. He buries his head in my neck and grazes his teeth against my skin there, making me crazy.

  “Matthew?”

  “Hmm?” He hums, not stopping his relentless tour of lips on my neck. He knows I’m sensitive there and it drives me wild.

  “You’ll be gentle won’t you?”

  He stops, pulling back to look in my eyes. Concern washes over his features, his hand stroking my hair lazily.

  “Of ‘course baby. Whatever you want.”

  “I’ve only done it once, a long time ago. So it’s… kind of uncharted territory.”

  Matthew groans, shifting above me and rolling his hips against me so I can feel him. And feel him I do.

  “You have no idea how excited that makes me. I want to be the guy to make you feel good.”

  I kiss him again, soft but passionate. When the kiss breaks, I look at Matthew, keeping his attention on my eyes.

  “I want to do it,” I whisper.

  “Here? Now?” He asks.

  I nod my head. “Right now. I can’t wait any longer.”

  He kisses me harder and we peel each other’s bottoms off, all in a frenzy of kissing and touching. But then, when the moment comes, everything slows down.

  Matthew kisses me. “I’ll go get a condom from the bathroom.”

  I shake my head, not wanting him to leave me. I need him here with me, in this bed. I need his warmth above me. It dulls my self conscious thoughts. “That’s okay. I’m on birth control. If you’re… clean.”

  He nods his head. “I’m clean. But are you sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  I hate this. This ceremonial talk. As smart as it is, it makes me nervous.

  He kisses me again and then pulls away. “Josie I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You won’t. Just go slow.”

  He nods, looking at me with such concern. “If it’s too much just tell me. I’ll stop.”

  I nod my head again. He kisses me as he begins. Carefully, he pushes in, centimeter at a time, going so slow it’s almost painful.

  “Are you alright?” He asks.

  I nod, waiting for him to continue. Closing my eyes as things become tight, uncomfortable.

  “Josie look at me baby, please. I’ve got to know you’re here with me.”

  I look up at him, kiss him. So slow, so painfully slow. It feels like an eternity goes by. He just keeps pressing and filling and there’s always more. How is there so much? And then, finally, there’s no more to give.

  “Oh my God,” he groans. “You feel…”

  Amazing. He feels amazing. This feels amazing.

  “Are you okay?” He asks.

  I nod my head. “I’m okay. Just kiss me.”

  He does as I ask, kissing me, distracting me. And the feeling is so much more pleasure than I expected. He stays still. Waits patiently for me to adjust. I can tell it’s torture for him. It starts to become torture for me. I shift my hips, testing myself and he groans, burying his head in my neck.

  “Josie, please baby, I’ve got to move.”

  “Yes,” I gasp, heavy with desire. “Do it, please, move.”

  And oh god. It’s wonderful. It’s glorious. It’s minutes of build up and build up and build up and then… sweet sweet release. Release where my toes are curling and my fingers can’t grasp enough of his hairs as he groans into my neck loudly, the bed squeaking, our bodies shaking. And then, even after we’re spent and our limbs are exhausted, Matthew’s lips find mine again. He’s still above me, still staring down at me. He kisses me and kisses me until my lips are raw.

  “Matthew,” I groan. “No more.”

  He pulls away reluctantly. “I’m sorry. You feel so Goddamn good. I can’t get enough of you.”

  He kisses me again and then reluctantly rolls off of me, lying down next to me. I get up and use the restroom, pulling my panties back on and slipping into Matthew’s shirt. I brush my teeth with his spare toothbrush and look at myself in the mirror, smiling, happy. I clean the makeup off my face and then I get back into bed as he follows his own night routine. When he settles in next to me, he’s wearing a pair of sweats and he comes in behind me, pulling me against him. I can feel everything, and I love it. Nothing has ever fit together so well. Without saying a word, we doze off in each other’s arms.

  * * *

  I wake up to the smell of bacon. I stretch out in bed, but there’s no Matthew to be found. I use the bathroom and brush my teeth. When I’m done, I poke my head out of the bedroom to look into the kitchen. Matthew spots me immediately and points his spatula at me.

  “Back in bed,” he orders.

  I ignore him, poking my head out further. “Whatcha makin’?” I wonder.

  “Josie please,” he groans. “I’m trying to do something nice for you, just go back to bed.”

  “Fine,” I sigh, shutting the door.

  I crawl back under the covers and sprawl out over Matthew’s side, soaking in his scent. After a bit I begin to doze off again, and just then the door is opening. Matthew walks in with a tray packed with food. I sit up, the sleep burning off already.

  “Good morning,” I greet with a smile.

  Matthew sets the tray on the nightstand and crawls over me, kissing me.

  “Morning baby,” he says.

  I smile and kiss him again. I’m falling in love with this man. He reaches over me for the tray and sets it in my lap. There’s bacon, waffles with syrup and whipped cream, and fresh fruit.

  “What’s all this?” I ask.

  “My attempt to be romantic,” he answers.

  I smile and lean over to kiss him on his cheek. “Mission accomplished,” I reply.

  He shrugs. “They’re frozen waffles… unfortunately I’m not a great cook.”

  “You cooked the bacon though,” I say, giving him credit.

  He smiles and nods. “That I did. And I went to the store for the fruit.”

  I smile, pleased by his sweet actions. “Last night was great,” I say, brave about it.

  He leans in and kisses me softly. “Was it okay? Are you sore?”

  I move my legs a little under the covers, testing it out. “A little,” I admit. “But it was still amazing.”

  “For me too,” he says, kissing me again.

  I sigh into the kiss c
ontently and then pull away, bumping his nose with mine.

  “Hey,” he says quietly. “You know how incredible you are don’t you?”

  “Hmm,” I hum happily. “Why don’t you remind me?”

  He chuckles, kissing my lips. “Really fucking incredible.”

  I smile and kiss him again, loving the ease of his lips against mine. It’s so natural. So easy. When it’s good like this, it’s bliss. In this moment, he fits with me so well. He moves to sit beside me and we eat the breakfast together, giggling and kissing and enjoying each other’s bodies and company. This is love.

  Chapter 34

  Matthew Steele.

  Two weeks after the banquet, I’m sent spiraling into a world with dark curtains and a black bedspread. It’s my room. Josie is lying next to me, naked. I’m watching her. Her eyes open to look at me and she smiles.

  “What are you still doing up?” She asks.

  I close my eyes. I want to cry. Why do I want to cry?

  “You’ve got to leave Josie. Before you get dragged into this mess.”

  She sits up immediately. “What mess?”

  “Me. My Mom. You can’t be around it.”

  Josie shakes her head, her eyes watering. “I don’t understand Matthew.”

  “I know you don’t,” I reply softly. My heart fucking hurts. There are things inside me that are bending, breaking, shattering.

  “What’s wrong?” She asks. “What’s going on?”

  “I’m really fucking broken Josie. I know you don’t believe it but it’s what I am. You’ve got to find someone else.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” She asks, standing up. She pulls on one of my shirts, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. I stand up slowly.

  “I’m not good for you. I’m dangerous. I’ll destroy us. I’m-”

  “Don’t say broken,” she interrupts angrily.

  I look at Josie for a moment, shaking my head. “If I’m not broken, then what am I?”

  Josie looks at me, her eyes still watery.

  “Crushed? Shattered? Bent?” I ask.

  “No.”

  “Bruised? Blistered? Scarred?”

  “No Matthew!”

  “Yes! I’m explosive! I’m harmful! Hurtful! Destructive!”

  “Stop it! Just stop it!” She shouts. Her tiny hands slam against my chest.

  “I’m trying to protect you,” I say quietly.

  She grabs my shirt in two fists and shakes me. “You’re trying to protect yourself! You want to push me away because you think it’ll be better than me leaving you blindsided later on. You think I’ll abandon you but I won’t! I love you!”

  I love you. I love you. I love you. She loves me.

  “You don’t love me,” I say, shaking my head, backing up. “If this is love, you don’t want it.”

  The curtains are dripping. Black paint slipping down the walls that surround us. I’m sinking into the ground. I back pedal slowly, my heart hammering. Why do I feel like this? Why am I panicking? Why am I terrified?

  And then…

  I sit up in bed with a gasp. I’m choking for breath. I clutch at my chest, coughing and sputtering. I finally begin to relax when the inevitable realization washes over me, it was a nightmare. It didn’t happen. I throw the sheets off of me and stand up. I’m sweating and shaking, cold, clammy, still terrified. I bend over, putting my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I realize right then it’s time. I’ve got to tell her about Mom.

  * * *

  Josie comes over to the apartment late. I made sure to tell Chris and Thomas to stay out of the apartment tonight since I need it. She meets me at the door, a smile on her face.

  “Hi,” she says, standing tall to give me a kiss.

  I allow her the chaste kiss but then pull away. My mind is centered on other things tonight. I let her in and she makes her way to the kitchen.

  “Jos, baby, can you sit down for a minute?” I ask her.

  “Yeah sure,” she replies simply. She walks over to the couch and sits down, smiling up at me. Like a little ray of sunshine. “What’s up?”

  I sit down next to her, my body tense. My leg bounces up and down and my fingers flex into fists and then release, straightening out.

  “I need to tell you about my Mom,” I say.

  Josie’s smile falls. She reaches out and brushes her hand over my shoulder.

  “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready to.”

  “No I want to,” I reply. “I’m ready.” Am I? I have to be. It’s gotta come out at some point.

  She nods her head, rubbing my shoulder with her dainty fingers. I grab that hand and pull it to my lips, pressing a kiss against her knuckles.

  “So… stick with me here. This is rough stuff.”

  I look up at Josie and her concerned eyes pin me down. Fuck. I don’t want to lose her.

  “You’re afraid I’ll run?” She asks, knowing me all too well.

  I nod my head slowly. In response, Josie leans forward, pressing her lips against mine.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” she whispers.

  It’s the reassurance I need. I release her hand from my grip, clear my throat and begin.

  “My Mom’s name is Ellie. The first thing you need to know is that she’s a big drug user. She started with psychedelics, like LSD and ecstasy when she was young. Then it was cocaine. Last time I saw her it was meth.”

  I look at Josie, finding her eyes watching me, listening. There’s so much of this story to tell. There’s no way I’ll get through all of it tonight.

  “My Mom came from old money. Her parents, my grandparents, were wealthy. They didn’t give much to my Mom but she was their only child. When they both passed away, they left everything to her. This was all before I was born. For a time, my Mom had good money. But then, it started to burn a hole in her pocket. The drugs costed her a lot and after years of using, she was getting down to the last of what her parents left her. She used it to buy this tiny little shack of a house in Chicago. And that’s the house where I grew up.”

  I swallow nervously, checking in with Josie. She nods for me to continue.

  “It was one story, falling apart everywhere. Holes in the roof, rats, termites, the works. Like I told you before, I don’t know who my father is… or was. For all I know, my Mom may have been turning tricks on the streets for money. But anyways, I was born, most likely by accident. One of our neighbors and Johnny’s Mom, Michelle, she used to come over and help my Mom. She’s the one who got my Mom through the pregnancy. Told her all the right things to do, made her stop cold turkey with the drugs.”

  I sit down next to Josie again. She grabs my hands, trying to comfort me. I swallow loudly.

  “One day, when I was around three years old, my Mom invited some of her friends over. They were snorting coke. They left some out on the table. I guess… I almost got into it. But Michelle, she came over to check on me. Found me right before I got too close. She went off on my Mom. Took me to her house. She kept me there for a couple weeks. But she was pregnant with Johnny at that point and she couldn’t keep me all the time. She was working. She didn’t want me to go into the foster system. And my Mom was begging to have me back. So she let Ellie have me again.”

  Josie releases my hands and reaches out to stroke my jaw. “My God Matthew. That’s awful.”

  I nod my head slowly. “She was high my whole life. She was hardly ever home. She was on the streets or whacked out in some club or in some crack den. Always out, stumbling back late, high as a kite. Michelle watched me when she could, fed me, bathed me. But she couldn’t really be there for me either. I wasn’t her kid. And she couldn’t afford to take me in. So she raised me to be self dependent. I’m so lucky I had her Jos. She saved me.”

  Josie nods her head, pulling her hands away from my face.

  “Ellie… she was a ghost. I hardly ever saw her. Even when she was around, she wasn’t there. Not really. By the time I hit fourteen I was spe
nding most of my time on the basketball courts. I couldn’t be in that house. It was awful. Dirty and dark and just… it was terrible. I was watching the younger kids by that point. Johnny, Ray, Will and Clay. And watching them helped me grow. In school, I was years ahead of everyone else in maturity. I was fourteen and living alone, taking care of myself. Ellie started dropping in less and less. She graduated from crack to meth. There was no power in the house. No electricity. No heating. I was a concrete floor and a door away from being homeless. The winters were too brutal without heating and I had to stay with Johnny and Michelle. By the time I was sixteen, I was practically living with them full time. I started working, taking in jobs where I could. Anything I could do, I did. I mowed lawns, worked at the Butcher shop, did a few moving jobs, anything and everything. It was important that I succeeded in school. I needed good grades and basketball to get out.”

  I stand up again. I need a break. A quick break. I head over to the fridge and grab a water, chugging half of it. The I look back over at Josie, continuing.

  “I gave what I could afford to give to Michelle. I was practically living with them, so it was only fair that I chipped in. I still went home when I had to. But the nights that weren’t during the spring or summer I spent next door with Johnny and Michelle. I graduated from high school, but I didn’t have enough money saved up to move yet. I worked for a year after high school and saved up every penny. I wasn’t going to be picky about where I was going to University and Michelle helped get me in contact with a scout. He watched me play basketball, put me up against a few other guys and got me into our University, kind of on the down low.”

  I release a heavy breath.

  “I wanted to say goodbye to Ellie before I left. I spent a few autumn nights at the house, right before the year started. Finally, a week before I was set to leave, she came back. She stumbled in, high, and she… she looked… she looked like she was already dead Josie.”

  My hands begin to shake at the memory. Josie can tell I’m not in a good place and she stands, making her way over to me. I sit down on the kitchen stool and she sits beside me. Her eyes, wide and concerned, pierce me, waiting patiently for me to finish.