by Hanna Ruthie
Josie Virginia.
I hear the door open behind me. Matthew has a key. When we made up a few days ago I made one for him. It beat having to buzz him in all the time. Especially since he’s been here more and more often. He’s hardly left my side these last few days. He’s been there for everything I need. Helping me stay up on my work in class, holding me during the night while I cry, driving me back and forth from the hospital. He’s been amazing. He just returned from getting me groceries from the store. I’m at the dining table, staring down at my phone. Matthew drops the grocery bags on the table.
“What are you up to?” He asks from behind me.
He presses a kiss to my temple as he watches me spin my phone round and round on the table.
“Trying to think of what to say,” I answer vaguely.
“What to say?”
“To my Dad.”
Matthew sighs, standing up straight again.
“Josie, please don’t.”
“Matthew-”
“He doesn’t deserve it Jos. Don’t call him.”
I turn around to look at him. “You don’t know him like I do.”
Matthew’s head falls back as he groans loudly in frustration. “I know he’s a scumbag.”
“He’s not!”
He looks at me again, cursing under his breath. “He hit you Josie! Please, don’t call him.”
I grip my phone in my hand. “It’s my decision to make, not yours.”
“I know it’s your decision, that’s why I’m begging you not to do this instead of ripping the damn phone out of your hands.”
I shake my head. “I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to call him.”
Matthew runs his hands through his hair.
“If he comes here, you can’t let him near me. I’ll fucking kill him.”
“Matthew don’t say that,” I scold.
“I’m serious,” he replies. “I can’t stand being around him. Not knowing what he did to you.”
“Matthew,” I sigh.
He shakes his head. “No, he doesn’t get excuses Josie. He treated you like dirt!”
“Well Matthew, at one point, so did you!” I shout.
I know the second the words leave my mouth that I’ve screwed up. Big time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Matthew, it’s that he carries tons of guilt, internalizing everything. And I just dumped the worst thing I could on him. It just came out. I can see the hurt in Matthew’s eyes almost immediately. He turns back towards the door. I can’t seem to stop screwing up lately. The stress of this situation is bringing out the worst in me. And I’m taking it out on him. It’s so wrong of me to do.
“Matthew wait,” I say, breathless, my stomach dropping.
I really messed up. He walks to the door, opening it up.
“Matthew, please, I didn’t mean it.”
I put my hand on his shoulder but he shakes it off. “Don’t Josie,” he says softly.
No, I have to solve this now. If I let it rest, he’ll internalize it too much. It’ll destroy him.
“Stop, please,” I beg, grabbing his shoulder again. “Please look at me.”
He turns around slowly, eyes on the ground. I close the door and lock it, trying to keep him here, with me. The good Matthew.
“I don’t know why I said that.” My voice breaks. I can’t help it. If I don’t get a hold of what I’m saying to him I’m going to lose him.
“It didn’t mean it at all,” I continue. “You’re nothing like him. You’ve never raised a hand to me or touched me anyway expect gently and softly. And I know you would never do anything to harm me like that.”
Matthew looks up at me. “I know I’m a piece of shit sometimes. I know I’ve fucked up and I’ve said harmful things. And when we first met, I didn’t treat you with the respect you deserved. I did treat you like dirt. And that haunts me Josie. It kills me. It keeps me up at night. It fucking tortures me. It always will. Because I… I fucking love you Jos.”
He loves me. He loves me! Matthew Steele loves me! He loves me and I just said the worst thing I could.
He sighs. “I think I loved you from the start, I just didn’t realize it… or maybe I didn’t want to. But I wish I could have been better for you. And I need you to know that now, before all this shit blows up in our faces.”
My eyes water at his words. I know exactly what he means. Maybe this isn’t the best time for a love confession. With everything going on with Cammy and now my Dad, but it’s just the way it happened. And I don’t think I could have used it at a better moment. This moment, here and now, hearing he loves me, it’s everything. A tear falls from my eyes and I push it away.
“I love you baby,” he says softly, pressing his lips to my forehead. I smile for a moment at what he’s told me, soaking it all in. He loves me. He pulls back to look in my eyes.
“You know how much I love you don’t you?” He asks.
I nod my head quickly. “I know.”
This poor sweet boy has been hurt too many times. And he took it out on me and other people, but only because he was hurting.
“I know you do. I can tell by the way you kiss me and by the way you touch me and by the things you say to me.
“And I know you hate my Dad. And there’s a big part of me that isn’t crazy about him either. But I need… closure or something. And I wish you would be there with me if he comes.”
Matthew looks off, shaking his head with a growl in his throat.
“I know it’s hard,” I continue. “Because he did things he shouldn’t have, and you’re protective, but I would feel better, safer, if you were there.”
I grab his hands, tugging on them. “Please Matthew.”
He looks down at me, shaking his head. He hates this. Every part of it.
“If he says one rude or disrespectful thing to you, he’s out.”
“Okay,” I agree.
“I mean it Josie. I’m not fucking around. If his finger so much as twitches the wrong way, I’ll personally kick his ass into the street.”
“I believe you,” I reply with a light laugh.
Matthew sighs. “I don’t want you to get taken advantage of. When people know you’re so nice and forgiving, they abuse it. And I don’t want you to have to put up with that.”
“Isn’t that what you did?” I ask, still holding onto his hands. I try to make light of his words but he takes them the wrong way.
He looks into my eyes. “Josie, if there’s anything I can ever do to recover from that asshole I was, please tell me. I’ll do anything, I swear-”
“Stop,” I interrupt softly. “That’s not you, it never was. I already forgave you for all of that. And you’ve done so many things since then that make up for it all. I don’t want you to torture yourself over those things, okay? Because they’re in the past and things are different now and I… I…”
The words almost slip out right there.
“You what?” Matthew asks.
I swallow nervously, looking down at my sock covered toes.
“I love you too.”
There’s a moment of silence before Matthew’s voice speaks again.
“You what?” He asks, disbelief in his tone.
I look up at him. He’s shocked, or confused, or both. Unsure of whether or not he heard me right.
“I love you,” I say again louder.
Matthew, as if he’s lost all his strength, leans back against the door. He shuts his eyes.
“Fuck, please pinch me if I’m dreaming,” he says.
I laugh lightly. “You aren’t dreaming.”
He opens his eyes to look at me. “You love me?” He asks.
Happiness and joy fills those grey irises. I nod my head.
“You love me?”
Smiling, I roll my eyes at him. “Yes, I love you.”
He blinks a few times and then tucks my hair behind my ear.
“You love me,” he whispers.
“Have we said it enough times yet?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Not nearly. Say it again.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Not until you kiss me.”
Matthew smiles, leaning in. He kisses me softly, and we breathe into each other. We take our time with the kiss, marking the occasion, marking our love, or adoration, or both. When he pulls away, he looks deep into my eyes, his hands tangling in my hair.
“Josie baby, I love you so much.”
I smile, pressing a light kiss to his cheek. “Then will you sit with me, please? While I call him?”
He releases a heavy breath and nods. We head back to the table and sit. I dial the number of his company and wait as it rings.
“Virginia and Venice,” a female voice answers. It must be the company’s secretary.
I clear my throat. “Yes, hello. I’m wondering if I can speak to Mr. Virginia?”
“May I ask who’s speaking?” She questions.
“I’m his daughter. Josephine.”
“His… daughter?” She asks.
“Yes, Josephine Virginia.”
There’s a moment of silence on the other line and then she says, “Mr. Virginia is in a meeting right now. Can I take a message?”
“I-I really need to talk to him. It’s a family emergency.”
Another moment of pause. She clears her throat. “Can I place you on hold for a moment?”
“Sure,” I reply.
The line begins to play some classical music as I wait. I look over at Matthew. He’s afraid. I can see it in his eyes. He’s on edge. I put my free hand out and he takes it quickly, sliding his fingers through mine. We sit there for five minutes before the classical music breaks. The other line opens up again.
“Hello?” It’s still the female voice.
“Yes, I’m here,” I answer quickly.
My heart is pounding.
“Yes, I’m sorry. Mr. Virginia can’t speak,” she says.
I pause for a moment, her words sinking in. “What? Did you tell him-”
“Yes,” she interrupts. “I told him who you claim to be and he informed me that he knows no Josephine.”
“He what?” I ask, breathless.
Matthew’s grip on my hand tightens. I look over at him, shaking my head.
“I’m his daughter,” I say, trying to clarify.
“Mr. Virginia has no children. I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” she replies.
I can’t breathe. He told her he has no children! He’s abandoned us! Forgotten us!
“Wait wait,” I say, trying to keep her on the line. “Will you take a message?”
She doesn’t respond but she hasn’t hung up yet. I take it as my opening.
“Tell him that Cammy is dying. There’s still time to come see her.”
“I’m sorry,” she responds. “Someone is waiting on the other line.”
“Did you take the note?”
“No, I didn’t. Now I have to let you go. Have a nice day-”
“No wait!”
The line clicks off. She hung up. I lower my phone slowly and place it on the table. I look over at Matthew, disbelief coursing through me. I’m in shock.
“He said he didn’t know me. That he had no children,” I explain.
Matthew pulls my hand up to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers.
I shake my head, looking down at the phone.
“So am I.”
Chapter 39
Matthew Steele.
I get home from class late. There are only two weeks left until the school year is over. I promised Josie I’d come over to her place tonight but I need to grab an overnight bag first. No one’s home when I come inside so I turn on the lights. When I walk in my room, I jump. Josie’s sitting on the edge of my bed. Her head is hung low so I can’t see her face. Her hands are clutched tight together on her lap. I shut the door behind me, dropping my school bag to the floor.
“Jos? Are you okay?” I ask.
I catch a small shake of her head. I move towards her cautiously and see her shoulders shake. She’s crying.
“Oh Josie… Josie baby, what’s wrong?”
I kneel down in front of her. Tears stream down her face and I can see the pain in her eyes. Fear shoots through me.
“What happened baby?” I ask. My stomach knots in anxiety. I try to wipe her tears away but they keep coming.
“She’s g-gone,” she stutters quietly.
It takes me a moment to fully comprehend her words but when I do, my stomach drops.
“Jesus,” I mutter silently. I sit on the bed next to Josie, putting my arm around her shoulder.
“Come here baby.”
There are so many things going through my mind right now. It’s okay. But it’s not. You’re okay. But she’s not. I know. But I don’t. It’ll get better. But will it? What do I know? I have nothing to say. No words of comfort. Nothing to soften the blow. I know from my own experience with Clay how much it all hurts. And she’ll need to go on her own journey to recovery just as I did. I know how tough it is. Especially right now. It’s just raw, unfiltered, pain. And all I can do is try to be her shoulder to cry on.
Her fist curls into my shirt as she sobs against me. Her pain is my pain. It hurts me to see her this way. She’s crushed. Her heart is shattered.
“It hurts s-so bad,” she cries.
“I know it does,” I whisper.
She shakes her head against me, sobs racking her body.
“I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to think about it.”
“I know baby, I know,” I say softly, pressing a long kiss to her forehead.
She shakes against me. “Can I use some of your s-sleeping meds? I just want to be knocked out Matt, please.”
I hesitate. “Jos, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
She’s going to have to cry. This isn’t her first cry and it certainly isn’t her last one. She needs to get it all out.
“Please Matt. I can’t stand it.”
Gritting my teeth and shutting my eyes, I try to think up a solution. A way to take away her pain. She shouldn’t resort to drugs, even if it’s medication. But I come up empty handed.
I decide to compromise.
“I’ll give you one,” I say. “That’s it, okay?”
She nods against me. “Okay.”
She releases me from her grasp. I go over to my nightstand and pull out my sleeping meds. One pill is just a half dose, all I’m willing to give her for her own good. I shake one out and grab my water bottle on the nightstand. I bring them back over to Josie, kneeling as I watch her take them. When she finishes, I set the water bottle down, grabbing her hand.
“Come on,” I say, standing her up.
I bring her over to the side of the bed, opening the covers for her. She gets in and turns on her side, curling into the fetal position. I start to move around the bed when her hand stops me. She grips it tight, keeping me by her side of the bed. I kneel down in front of her, looking into eyes drowning in pain.
“Matthew?”
I brush my free hand through her hair. “Yeah baby?”
“My m-mom died, and then m-my dad left, and now C-Cammy.”
She pauses, shutting her eyes and sobbing just at the mention of her sister’s name.
“Shh shh,” I say softly. “I know baby.”
She shakes her head, squeezing my hand tighter.
“You w-won’t leave me right? If you leave I have no one. I’ll be a-alone.”
In a moment of clarity, I realize something new about Josie. She was left behind, just like me. And she managed to come out this amazing person. I don’t know how I ever treated her heart as anything less than a gift. I don’t know why she decided to take a chance on me.
“Oh baby, are you kidding?” I ask softly, brushing my fingers through her hair. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re it for me.”
“Ok-kay,” she replies, releasing my hand.
I lean forward, kissing her forehea
d again. “Try to get some rest, okay? I’m going to go take care of something real quick and then I’ll be right back to check on you.”
She nods slowly. “Can I stay here with you tonight?”
I kiss her hand. “Of course baby. I promise I’ll be right back.”
She nods again. I leave her there and walk back out of the room with my phone in hand. I call Thomas.
“What’s up Matt?” He asks upon answering.
“Is Harper with you right now?” I wonder, touching my forehead with my hand.
“Yeah… why?”
“I need to talk to her real quick.”
“But-”
“Damn it Thomas, put her on the phone,” I say harshly.
There’s a moment of silence and then some rustling as his phone changes hands.
“Hello?” Harper asks.
“Harper,” I sigh in relief. “I need you to come over.”
“What? Why?”
“I need your help. It’s Josie. Her sister is gone. She’s fucking heartbroken and I don’t know how to help her.”
“Shit, okay, I’m on my way.”
I release a heavy breath of relief. “Thank you.”
She hangs up and I head back to the bedroom. This is good. Josie has a support group. She won’t go through this alone. I won’t let her. I slip back in the room and kneel down beside Josie. She’s still crying. Something tells me she will be for awhile. I run my hand over her hair.
“Hey, Harper’s coming over, okay?”
She nods her head slowly.
“Is there anything I can do?” I ask.
“Do you… do you still have those brochures?” She wonders.
I nod my head. “Yeah, they’re still in my truck.”
“Can you get them?” She asks quietly. “I think I’d like to look at them.”
“Of course,” I whisper. I lean forward to press a kiss to her forehead and then leave her side slowly. I go down to my truck, grabbing the brochures and the card of the grief counselor. When I come back upstairs, her eyes are shut. She’s trying to get to sleep. I leave the brochures on the nightstand and take my sleeping meds out of the room. Better to remove the temptation. Five minutes later, Harper comes upstairs with Thomas. I fill her in on everything and she slips into the room. She stays in with her for nearly an hour before walking back out.
