by Hanna Ruthie
“She’s asleep,” she whispers.
“Good,” I reply, relieved. “What did you do, to help her?”
Harper shrugs. “There’s not much you can do. I just sat there and held her hand while she cried. She talked about her sister a little.”
I nod my head slowly. “Is that all I should do?”
Harper shrugs. “Yeah. Make sure she eats and drinks what she needs. Try to get her outside. I’ll drop by and check in on you guys too.”
I nod my head, soaking in her advice like a sponge. “Okay. Thanks so much Harper.”
She gives me a small smile and pats my shoulder. “She’ll be alright. She’s strong. She can get through it.”
I really really hope so.
Chapter 40
Josie Virginia.
It’s three months to the day since Cammy died. It’s been a long process trying to get through the grief. For the first month, I was basically living with Matthew. There were only two weeks left of school when Cammy died, and getting through finals in the midst of the loss was brutal. I barely ever went back to my apartment. It was too full of memories and wishes of Cammy. I spent weeks at the office of the grief counselor, even attending several support groups. Matthew was my rock through it all, helping me whenever and wherever I needed. He got me through the funeral, and that was the hardest part. In the second month, I started frequenting my apartment more and more. I packed up Cammy’s things, getting rid of what I didn’t need, and keeping what was most important to her. Matthew took me to the graveyard every Tuesday, come rain or shine, and stood by his truck, waiting for me for however long it took. Now at the graveyard, Cammy has a spot next to Mom. The grass is short over her, but it’s there. It’s late summer now, but still warm enough to provide the grass with a little assistance in it’s growth. Soon, the only difference between her spot and Mom’s will be the different names on the headstones. When I make my visits to speak to them, Matthew takes the time to call Ray and Will, checking up on them and seeing how they’re doing. There was a time when I thought I would never recover. There was a hole in my heart that I thought couldn’t be filled. And I think maybe there’s still some truth to that. But every day that hole in my heart hurts less and less. Gradually, I got through the worst of it, just like I did with Mom. And despite everything that’s happened, Matthew and I are doing really good. I just appreciate everything he’s done for me so much. I finally feel like I’m starting to get back to me. And I owe a lot of that to him. We start classes again in just two weeks and the time off is rapidly slipping out of our fingers. I’m glad I had the summer to grieve though. If I was going through classes during the worst of the grief, it would have made it that much harder. Now, there are other things on my mind. I really want to do something for Matthew. Although we’ve known each other for almost a full year, we consider our first date to be the time we spent at the aquarium for my birthday. Since then, we’ve been together for eight months. We’ve already spent so much time together. I feel like we’ve seen each other at our worst. We’ve been together through some of the worst moments of our life. And he’s helped me so much these last few months, I want to do something special for him. I’m meeting him at The Burger Joint today and the time is precious to me. I have an idea for something I want to do for him, but it’s going to require some undercover work on my part.
* * *
I chew on a fry as Matthew sits on the phone across from me. He’s been on the phone the entire time we’ve been here. He got a long enough break to tell me it was important. I munch on another fry, waiting for him to get off.
“Hurry up,” I whisper.
He puts a finger up, silencing me. I eat another fry, waiting for him to be finished. I’m spoiled. I like my time with him.
“Yeah,” he says into the other line. He pulls a napkin out of the dispenser beside us and lays it flat on the table. Tilting the phone away from his face, he whispers across me.
“Do you have a pen?” He asks quietly.
I give him a look. “Why would I have a pen?”
He looks behind him for Johnny and snaps his finger to get his attention. I sigh as Johnny comes over to us.
“What’s up?” He asks, noticing Matthew’s on the phone.
“Pen?” Matthew asks.
Johnny pulls a pen out of his apron and hands it to Matthew. We both watch as Matthew precedes to scribble down some numbers and an address. Finally he clicks the pen, handing it back to Johnny. Johnny gives me a confused look and I shrug, letting him know I’m just as lost as him. He heads back behind the counter just as Matthew finishes with his phone call. He says thanks to whoever is on the other line and hangs up.
“Sorry ‘bout that,” he says, pushing his phone in his back pocket.
“What was that?” I ask.
He pushes the napkin towards me. “That was an open apartment.”
I look down at the napkin and back up at Matthew. “For you?”
“For us,” he replies, smiling.
I look down at the napkin and back up at Matthew a number of times, trying to understand what he’s just told me.
“You want to move in together?” I ask, surprised.
The smile falls from his face. “Did you not want to? You were telling me that your lease is up in two weeks, I thought that was a sign!”
“A sign?” I laugh.
Matthew groans, burying his head in his hands. “Of course it wasn’t a sign. Just my dumbass reading into things.”
“Matthew,” I laugh. “We’ve only been dating for what… eight months?”
He crosses his arms over his chest and leans back against the booth, disappointed.
“So?” He mumbles.
I look down at the napkin in front of me, thinking about it. We do spend most nights together already. And I was thinking of finding a new place to move. I’ve conquered my fears of my apartment with Cammy but it’s not somewhere I particularly want to stay.
“Were you really excited about this?” I ask Matthew, looking up at him. He’s pouting.
“I guess,” he shrugs, trying to act cool about it. I smile. I once found him so hard to read, and now, I can read him like a book.
“Okay,” I say simply.
He looks at me and sits up slowly. “What does that mean?”
“Let’s try it,” I shrug.
His arms uncross from his chest and he squints at me. “Just like that?”
I nod my head swiftly. “Just like that.”
The smile slowly slides back onto his face. “Really?”
I move over to his side of the booth, a huge smile taking over my face. We’re moving in together!
“Yes really.”
He pulls me against his side, kissing my cheek. “Thank you baby.”
I give my head a light shake and kiss his jaw. “Thank you.”
* * *
“Goddammit!” Matthew shouts. He throws the manual on the ground and kicks the bed frame. “Stupid piece of shit!”
I bite my lip to hold in a laugh. We’ve been working on this stupid bed frame for four hours and have hardly made any progress. He kicks it again and yells.
“I should have just payed the fucking fee to have the guys put it together but no! I had to go and do it myself! And the directions are in fucking Latin or some shit!”
I can’t help it. I break, finally bursting into laughter. Matthew’s face contorts from anger into confusion as he looks at me.
“What?” He asks. “What’s so funny?”
I can’t answer him I’m laughing so hard. It’s probably from being delusional, working on the stupid bed frame for so long, but it’s hilarious to me nonetheless. I grab my stomach, the laughter shaking through me hard enough to bring tears to my eyes.
“I don’t know why you’re laughing,” he mumbles. “It’s as much your bed as it is mine.”
God I can’t stop laughing. It’s a curse. But finally Matthew breaks a smile, starting to chuckle just from watching me.
“You’re crazy,” he says, sitting next to me on the carpet.
I start to get control of the laughter but when I look at the crumpled manual, it starts up all over again. Matthew suddenly tackles me, pinning me underneath him.
“Oh you think that’s funny huh?” He asks, a smile on his face.
I nod my head. “Sorta,” I giggle.
He chuckles at me, kissing my cheek. “You’re pretty fucking cute Virginia, I’ll give you that.”
I bite my lip, managing to contain my giggles.
“Hey, guess what?” I ask him, nudging his nose with mine.
“What?” He answers, a look of suspicion on his face.
“We’re going to have to sleep on the air matress again.”
Matthew groans loudly and my giggles escape me again. He shakes his head at me.
“If you think it’s so funny, why don’t you sleep on the carpet?”
I feign a gasp at him. “Matthew Steele, are you kicking me off the air matress?”
He looks over at our air mattress, half deflated with blankets haphazardly thrown on it and one pillow resting at the top.
“If it doesn’t kick me off first,” he mumbles.
I pretend to frown. “You’re really going to kick me off?”
Matthew looks down and rolls his eyes at me. “Obviously not.”
“Mmm, why obviously?”
Matthew gives me a look, one that says ‘Don’t make me say it’. I pretend to pout and he sighs loudly.
“Because I love you or whatever. All that mushy shit you want to hear.”
I smile happily, looping an arm around his neck. “You’re such a grump.”
In character, he grumbles something under his breath, pulling himself off of me.
“Hey,” I say sitting up. “I wasn’t done with you yet.”
He snorts a laugh and picks the manual up again. He begins flipping through it and I watch him, admiring the man I love. I take the manual from his hands and scoot closer to him. I lean forward once to kiss him, soft and slow. When I pull away, I whisper, “I love you.”
He smiles and pulls me back in, kissing me again. “I love you baby.”
I smile against him, nearly cooing in happiness. We’re living together!
“I’m gonna make dinner,” I say.
Matthew gives me a thumbs up. “You’re the best.”
I stand up, pushing his shoulder a little. “Yeah yeah just don’t get used to it.”
I make us up some sandwiches as Matthew puzzles over the manual. Eventually he gives up and pulls out his phone, cursing as he holds it to his ear. I listen as he calls the company and asks if they can send some assistance in assembling the bed frame tomorrow. He grumbles something about the fee and hangs up. I’m just putting our sandwiches on plates when he blows up the air mattress again, setting it in front of our TV. This is most of what we have right now. Ingredients in the fridge, a TV, DVD player, and a few blankets on an air mattress. And of course, the bed frame, or at least, the pieces to the bed frame. I set our food on the ground by our sad, uncomfortable mattress.
“What are we going to watch tonight?” I ask Matthew, joining him by our combined stack of DVDs.
He pulls out a couple and hands them to me. “You choose.”
I look through what he’s given me and hand him back The Usual Suspects. “This one please.”
He takes it and puts it into the player as I look through our movies. We’ve organized them by genre. From crime to cult classics to horror.
“This has got to be my favorite part of living together,” I say, putting the other DVDs back.
Matthew looks over at me and smiles. We move back to the air mattress as the trailers begin. Matthew picks up his sandwich and leans over to kiss me on the cheek. “Thanks for this baby.”
I lean into his side a little, enjoying the feeling of his large arm against my small one.
“What’s your favorite part of living together?” I wonder.
Matthew takes a bite of his sandwich. “The food,” he replies, his mouth full.
I roll my eyes and push his arm. He looks over at me and corrects his statement.
“Okay, the sex.”
This time I smack his arm. “Matthew!”
He chuckles, swallowing his bite.
“Be serious,” I ask.
“Oh I’m very serious about the sex. The food could use a little work,” he teases, showing me his sandwich.
My eyes narrow on him. “Don’t tease.”
He looks at me and smirks. “You just want me to say some sappy shit.”
“So? It’s not that hard. It would make me happy.”
He groans, annoyed, and looks over at me. “Fine. My favorite part of living with you is…” he pauses for a moment, actually thinking. Then, when he’s got it, his eyes find mine again and he smiles lightly. “Getting to wake up next to you in the morning.”
I smile, my heart melting at his words. “Really?”
He nods his head.
“Aw, you’re so sweet.”
“You’re so easy,” he replies, taking another bite of his sandwich.
I let it slide, because I know it’s true, and focus my attention back to our movie. At some point, once our sandwiches are finished, we move back, lying down to finish the movie. I put my head on Matthew’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. It calms me. It makes me feel relaxed, at ease. And when his hand comes around my head, stroking my hair gently, it just makes me fall deeper into the feeling. The feeling of him. Long after the movie finishes and the credits are rolling, we stay just where we are, in our little slice of heaven. When the cover screen for the movie comes back on, Matthew turns the whole TV off.
“Matt?” I ask, brushing my hand over his chest.
He hums in response. I tilt my head up to look at him. His eyes are shut. He likes the feeling of lying here just as much as I do. I think it relaxes him too.
“Do you miss Ray and Will?”
I watch him as he nods. “Yeah I do,” he responds.
“You’re such a good brother,” I say, rubbing my hand over his shirt.
His hand strokes through my hair. “Thanks baby,” he replies softly.
We’re quiet for a couple minutes and then Matthew nudges me over, rolling on top so he’s bracing himself above me.
“What is it?” I ask, wrapping my arms around his strong back.
He shakes his head at me. “Nothing. I just want to look at you.”
His fingers slide through my hair, brushing it absentmindedly as he tilts his head to the side and looks at me.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispers.
I smile, giving him a light kiss. “You’re sweet.”
My fingers pick a few pieces of lint off of his shirt and then brush over his shoulders gently.
“When you first sat down at the tutoring table and saw me… you had no idea what was to come did you?” I wonder.
“Absolutely not,” he responds, smiling. “I can hardly believe I’m here now, in love and staring down at my tutor…”
“You can’t call me the corny one when you say things like that.”
He chuckles. “I know, you’re right.”
“No,” I pout, kissing his cheek. “I take it back, say more corny things.”
“Like what?” He whispers, staring down at me intently.
“Why do you like waking up next to me?”
He twirls some of my hair around his finger, looking at my locks. “When I wake up, the first thing my body does is reach out for you. Of its own instinct. And as soon as I find you, everything settles. I like it when you’re facing me, so I can brush some of the hair out of your face and look at you.”
I stare up at him, my heart beating out for his. “What do you think about?”
His eyes, grey and serious, flicker back up to mine briefly and then find my hair again. He’s nervous. “I think about how lucky I am mostly. How beautiful you are. How much I love you. How much I want
you.”
My hands slide over his cheeks, stroking his jaw gently. “You’re nervous to tell me all of this…”
He shrugs, his eyes meeting mine. “It’s hard still, to be so vulnerable. I kinda feel like a wimp saying all this stuff.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way. It makes me so happy to hear.”
“I know it does,” he chuckles. “That’s the only reason why I’m saying it.”
“You want me to be happy?”
“Of course. Always,” he replies, seriously.
I smile up at him, brushing my fingers through his hair.
“I’m really really lucky to have found you,” I whisper.
“Jos-”
“No I’m serious,” I interrupt. “You love me so much and all you want for is my happiness and you call me baby and beautiful and reach out for me in the morning… I’m damn lucky.”
Matthew snorts a laugh, kissing my neck. I smile, pulling him up to look him in the eyes.
“Hey, you’re going to think it’s corny or cheesy or sappy, but I have to tell you that… I love you with all of my heart.”
His thumb strokes my temple slowly as he looks down at me.
“With all your heart huh?”
I nod my head. “With all my heart,” I whisper.
Matthew shakes his head lightly. “If anyone’s the lucky one, it’s me.”
He leans down to kiss me again when there’s a very loud pop and suddenly we’re sinking down. Matthew groans loudly as I begin to laugh again.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he says, rolling off of me and standing up.
I curl into a ball, grabbing my stomach I’m laughing so hard. The stupid air mattress popped. I can feel the air slipping out, my body sinking lower and lower to the ground. Eventually, when the air mattress is nothing but a piece of tarp lying on the floor, I crawl off, still giggling a little at the sight. Matthew is cursing and storming around, kicking the bed frame.
I stand up, scurrying in front of him, a huge smile on my face.
“I’m so excited for tomorrow,” I say, practically squealing.
Matthew gives me a look of concern. “Are you feeling okay?”
