Samantha Spinner and the Perplexing Pants
Page 16
Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op!
Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Bop-op!
Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op!
Samantha blasted Absolute on the back of his head, fifty-five times. He spun to face her but lost his footing. He stumbled and fell, landing on his rear end with a thump.
The SNOW boss looked up at her from where he lay on the ground. His face was as red as a leather boxing glove. Breathing heavily, he glared at Samantha. Then, slowly, he climbed to his feet. Samantha thought he might charge at her again. Instead he turned and stomped to the circle of SNOW men and women surrounding them. He walked along the ring of SNOW people and stopped beside a man holding a shiny device. Samantha recognized it as one of the carving tools that the SNOW used to cut the diamonds and crystals.
“Give me that!” he snapped, grabbing the strange tool from the SNOW agent.
He pushed a button on the side of the tool, and it began to hum and glow. Then he walked over to Samantha’s father and pointed it at him.
“Hands up,” he barked.
Mr. Spinner raised both hands.
“Drop the hat, girl,” Absolute ordered.
Samantha froze. The glowing blue tip of the tool was inches from her father’s face. Slowly she lowered the hat. Then she sighed heavily and dropped it to the floor.
“Good,” said Absolute. He turned back to his prisoner. “Now you,” he said. “Go stand next to the girl.”
Absolute kept the device pointed at Mr. Spinner as he went to Samantha.
“You have exactly ten seconds to tell me where the umbrella is hidden,” he growled.
Samantha stood, frozen, keeping an eye on the glowing machine.
“Do you think this is some kind of game?” he snarled.
He turned a knob on the handle of the menacing device. Several shapes began to blink along the body of the tool: red…yellow…blue-white.
“Tell me where the umbrella is….NOW!” he barked.
Bright flecks of light sparkled and bounced. One of the glowing blue bits landed in her father’s hair. It smoldered.
Samantha closed her eyes and drew a long, deep breath and held it for a moment. Then she opened her eyes and slowly let out her breath.
“Okay,” she told the big man. “I hid the umbrella in the—”
“Watch out for the rain!” Mr. Spinner interrupted.
“Be quiet!” snapped Absolute.
“Ninjas, Dad?” Samantha asked. “Really?”
“No,” her father replied. “I’m talking about the rapidly approaching impact of Nipper.”
WHAM!
“Watch out for the train!” shouted Nipper.
A mine cart—with Nipper and Dennis inside it—rolled into the circle between two startled SNOW agents. Then the cart shot past Samantha and her father and slammed into Absolute. It struck him in the side, knocking him to the floor. His plasma carver flew from his hands, struck the ground, and shattered.
“Wruf!” barked Dennis as the cart kept moving past Absolute.
Samantha stood, stunned, and watched them roll past, toward the other side of the SNOW agent circle. A dozen mathematicians dove out of the way. The cart continued, careening toward the wall, directly at the case holding Uncle Paul.
CRASH!
It collided with the glass box, shattering it to bits, and came to a halt.
Uncle Paul dusted himself off and waved to Samantha and her father.
“That was a great idea, bringing the dog!” shouted Uncle Paul.
“See, Sam?” Nipper called as he hopped from the cart. “I told you Dennis would save the day.”
Samantha wasn’t sure exactly how the pug had saved them, or how he and Nipper had wound up in the SNOW’s dome at all. But she decided she’d figure that out later, and started toward Uncle Paul.
HISSSSSS!
As she stepped over the unconscious body of Absolute, her father tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to the floor beside the man. Blue plasma seeped from the broken carving tool. It sizzled and sparked.
Samantha walked carefully around the sizzling goo and nudged Absolute with her toe, confirming he was out cold.
But beside Absolute, the plasma puddle had begun to melt into the floor.
CRACKLE!
Samantha looked more closely. Grooves were appearing in the floor beneath her feet, spreading out from the plasma puddle like a giant arachnid.
HISSSSSS-CRACK!
Samantha jumped back and watched the plasma from the broken high-energy carving tool burn into the floor of the dome. A hole formed around the device, and blue-white embers sprayed from the opening. Then the tool sank out of sight.
“We’ve got to get away from this,” said her father, tugging at Samantha’s sleeve.
CRACK!
CRACKLE!
The lines appearing beneath her feet were spreading rapidly, crisscrossing the floor like a diamond spiderweb.
The SNOW members looked frantic. SNOW men and women were turning in circles, eyeing the dome fearfully.
“The crystal lattice structure is shattering!” shouted a terrified SNOW person.
CRUNK!
At the sound, everyone froze.
CRUNK-UNK-CRUNK-CRUNK!
A huge gap appeared along the wall of the dome, then spread upward like a dreadful tree branch.
Then, CRASH! A hexagonal crystal the size of a car plummeted from above. It landed on a replica of an Egyptian sphinx. The sculpture shattered into a thousand pieces. Shiny fragments rained all over the SNOW.
Everyone was starting to panic and run.
Dozens of SNOW men and women dashed to the entrance tunnel. Just as many headed to the mine carts on the far side of the dome.
The umbrella! Samantha looked over at the statue of Zeus. It still stood, holding her umbrella in the air.
“Meet me at Uncle Paul,” Samantha told her father. “I’ve to get my—”
CRUNK-UNK!
She looked up quickly. Another gap opened in the ceiling, curving overhead like a dreadful scorpion tail.
CRASH!
A huge boulder came loose and fell. It smashed a statue of a general on a horse. The granite horse’s head skidded across the floor, missing Samantha by inches.
“Just go!” Samantha shouted as loudly as she could. Then she turned and dashed toward the statue of Zeus. As she ran, she spotted one of the SNOW gem makers racing between the benches, filling his coat pockets with fake diamonds.
“I’m an overachiever. But it’s-over, I’m a-leave-er!” he said. Then he sped off for the exit tunnel.
CRASH!
Another massive boulder hit the floor. It landed next to a statue of the Egyptian god Horus. The statue fell over, shattering into dozens of topaz fragments.
She looked over at the alcove where Uncle Paul, Nipper, Dennis, and her father stood watching her.
CRASH!
A boulder fell only feet away from them and exploded into pieces.
“Hurry!” called her father.
She reached the statue, grabbed the umbrella from its grasp, and slung it over her shoulder. Then she ran.
WHAM!
The big whiteboard slammed onto the floor. It missed her by inches. She skidded to a stop, pulled her umbrella from her shoulder, and used it to point to the mine carts. They were still rolling in and out of the chamber.
“Get to those train tracks!” she called to her family.
“Watch out, Sam!” Nipper yelled back to her.
A protractor sailed past Samantha’s ear and, swack! It snapped the umbrella off at the handle. Samantha’s heart skipped a beat as the red top tumbled to the ground.
She spun around and saw two SNOW age
nts bearing down on her. The same agents that had been trying to get answers from Uncle Paul.
“Slow down and come with us,” said Agent 33rpm.
“No, come along quickly,” said Agent 45rpm.
“Get away from me!” Samantha screamed.
Still clutching the wooden handle, she searched the ground. Where was her umbrella?
RUMBLE!
A wide section of dome wall came loose. A wave of dirt and salt slid across the floor and wham! The salt-slide pushed over a huge statue of an octopus.
The two SNOW agents dove out of the way as the octopus statue crashed between them, crystal tentacles flying off in every direction. Samantha put the handle into her pocket. Where was her umbrella?
“Increase your velocity!” shouted her father.
Samantha looked everywhere.
“Come on, Sam!” shouted Nipper. He was standing inside a cart, holding Dennis. Her father and Uncle Paul were climbing in beside him.
“Wruf!” barked Dennis.
Samantha was frantic. She still didn’t see her umbrella anywhere.
RUMBLE!
Another section of dome wall came loose. It buried a Chinese warrior statue hip deep in dirt and salt.
Samantha spun in a circle, looking for the umbrella one last time. Then she headed to the mine cart without it. As she ran, she looked back and spotted a team of four SNOW agents dragging Absolute’s unconscious body toward the entrance tunnel.
“This place is crumbling!” Nipper called as she reached the cart.
“Climb in!” her father shouted. “Now!”
He helped Samantha over the side of the cart. She squeezed between him and Uncle Paul.
Her father reached for the control lever.
“Wait,” said her uncle. “I see the plans.”
He hopped out of the cart, raced over to a badly damaged statue of a sea captain, and picked the red umbrella up from the ground.
CRUNK-CRUNK-CRUNK-CRUNK!
A new seam opened high above them. It was enormous. Rock salt began to rain down on everyone.
“Watch out for the…Just hurry!” shouted Samantha.
“Catch,” yelled Uncle Paul.
He tossed the red umbrella…but it sailed over Samantha’s head.
“Got it,” said her father, holding up the umbrella with one hand, his other still firmly on the mine cart’s lever.
CRASH!
A refrigerator-sized block of salt plummeted onto the tracks behind them. It missed the cart by less than a foot and exploded into a hailstorm of salty pebbles.
“We’ve got to go, Paul!” shouted Samantha’s father.
“Hurry!” Samantha called.
Uncle Paul stepped toward them, and stopped. Something had grabbed him by the collar. Behind him, the sea captain statue…was moving.
It was Nathaniel! Buffy’s pirate ex-assistant!
“Aye…have you now!” he shouted.
“I’m not going with you,” her uncle said.
“Yes you…arrrrr!” Nathaniel bellowed, pulling Uncle Paul away from the train.
Uncle Paul looked back at Samantha.
“Watch out for the HEAT!” he shouted.
CRASH!
Another huge block of salt smashed down in front of Samantha. A cloud of dust exploded where it had landed.
And when the cloud lifted, Uncle Paul and Nathaniel had vanished.
Samantha searched the disaster site. They weren’t anywhere!
“Dad!” Samantha shouted. “Did you see that? Uncle Paul just disappeared!”
“How could I see him if he disappeared?” asked her father.
R-R-RUMBLE!
Rocks, dirt, and salt were falling all around them.
The dome was collapsing!
“Time limit exceeded,” Nipper called.
Mr. Spinner pulled the lever. The mine cart lurched forward.
“No!” wailed Samantha.
“I’m sorry,” said her father.
Samantha looked back, but all she could see was a swirling cloud of gray soot.
They rolled out of the SNOW dome amid a shower of salt and dirt.
R-R-R-R-OAR!
An avalanche of rock salt sealed off the tunnel behind them.
The cart sped forward on the tracks. There was no going back.
“Largest freshwater lake?” Dr. Suzette Spinner read out loud. “That’s easy. Lake Superior.”
Seated on the couch in the living room, she smiled with satisfaction as she worked on the WRUF application. Most of these questions weren’t difficult at all. A few were tricky, but so far, she was enjoying the challenge.
Dr. Spinner had to admit, recalling amazing facts, useless or not, was a lot of fun…and she was good at it. Maybe she would try to join that silly WRUF organization. At the very least, she’d finish the application, even if she didn’t send it in. It would be good to show all the Spinner boys that they weren’t the only ones capable of becoming Worldwide Reciters of Useless Facts.
It was too bad Samantha wasn’t around to see Dr. Spinner filling in this form, too. Samantha would be pretty impressed that her mother also knew a lot about countries, people, and geography. Of course, Samantha would probably try to turn everything into an international mystery where her family was in some kind of danger.
Dr. Spinner scanned the page for the next question.
“Longest recorded flight of a chicken,” she read out loud. “That’s ridiculous. Does anyone know that? Why would anyone know that?”
She set the half-completed application on the coffee table.
“Where would you even go to find that answer?” she asked.
Then she remembered. She knew exactly the place to go.
Dr. Spinner left the house through the back door and headed up to the apartment over the garage. She went inside and walked straight to Paul’s bookshelf.
A thin, hardcover book in the center of the top shelf caught her eye: Poultry in Motion.
“Leave it to Paul to own a book like that,” she said.
She pulled it from the shelf and began flipping the pages. About a quarter of the way through the book, she stopped.
“Chickens,” she said, reading the chapter title.
Her finger moved down the page.
“Walking…running…dancing…swimming…,” she read. “Flying.”
The longest continuous flight time for a chicken was approximately thirteen seconds. That record-setting journey covered a distance of 301.5 feet.
“More than three hundred feet?” said Suzette. “Amazing. I was going to guess no more than two hundred.”
Dr. Spinner nodded thoughtfully and closed the book. She began to scan the bookshelf.
“Pirate Ships Throughout the Ages,” she read from one spine.
“A Handy Visitor’s Guide to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales,” she read off another.
Dr. Spinner grabbed both books. Then, just as she was about to leave, she spotted another book: Major League Baseball: Rules and Special Exceptions.
She smiled and pulled the book from the shelf.
“I’ll read this one with Nipper,” she said as she tucked the book under her arm with the others. “Maybe there’s something in it that can help him save the New York Yankees.”
Someone knocked on the door.
“Nipper?” she called. “Is that you?”
Nobody answered.
“Nipper?” she called again. “I found a book that might contain a way to keep your baseball team from getting kicked out of—”
The door burst open.
Two people in silver suits stepped into the apartment. They were dressed from head to toe in shiny foil. They wore silver boots. Their faces were h
idden behind reflective metal screens. Both of them had words etched on the foreheads of their silver hoods. One said Burns. The other said Swelters.
Suzette thought the strange people looked like astronauts, or possibly scientists—the kind that explored volcanoes.
“Where’s Pajama Paul?” barked Burns.
“Who are you?” asked Dr. Spinner. “What are you doing in my brother-in-law’s apartment?”
“Where’s the dog?” said Swelters.
Suzette sprang forward. She pushed between the intruders, bolted out the door, and stopped at the top of the staircase. In the distance, she saw several more silver figures walking around outside the house.
“Nipper! Dennis!” she called as she raced down the staircase. “Go get help! Call the police! Find Sam—”
Dr. Spinner tripped on the last step and stumbled forward onto the paved backyard driveway.
Swish!
Something dropped from above, covering her.
A net?
It was heavy. She could barely move. It was hard to see. She heard the sound of heavy boots marching down the stairs.
“We got the mom!” a voice called out. “But there’s no sign of the uncle or the dog!”
Suzette was facedown on the pavement. The heavy net held her, so she couldn’t get up. Shiny silver boots stomped back and forth around her.
“We’d better take the whole garage,” said another voice. “Someone may be hiding somewhere inside the place.”
R-r-rumble!
Dr. Spinner heard a truck or some other kind of large vehicle approaching.
“Be careful not to set anything on fire!” someone shouted. “There are a ton of papers and old books in that place!”
Through a gap between the thick ropes, she spotted a piece of chalk on the ground. She reached through the netting and grabbed it, then began scribbling on the pavement.
Hisss! Chunka-chunka-chunka!
She heard the sound of heavy machinery in the distance. Something huge was coming down the driveway. The entire backyard was shaking.
She wrote faster.
“Easy does it!” someone shouted. “You don’t want to hurt anyone who might be hiding inside the apartment!”