I hesitated, glancing over at Jason and Mark, who were listening in. “I did what you said. I did what she wanted. Dinner and a movie. I put my arm around her and she snuggled against me. I thought it was going well. But when the movie got over, she got up and said she was going to bed.”
Jason sniggered. “Dude, she’s not into you.”
Ron cast him a glare. “Shut up and let him talk.” Ron glanced back at me. “And then?”
I straightened, raking a hand through my hair. “I went after her, pushed her against the wall, and kissed her. She got into it for a minute—or at least I thought she did—but then she shoved me away and went into her room and slammed the door.”
“Ooh! Ouch! Crash and burn, man! Zzzooom!” Jason dropped his arm in a mock airplane crash. “That had to hurt.”
Ron sent his brother another look that made Jason shut his mouth and lower his gaze.
“I think you came on a little too strong,” Ron said. “Maybe slow it down a little, you know, take your time getting to know her first?”
“Fuck.” I paced away from him. “How do I know if I’m coming on too strong?” Celia had never taught me anything about dating or “wooing” a woman. All of her lessons had been what to do after I had a woman in my bed. I had no idea how to know if I was moving too fast or too slow.
“Dude, I got in Dina’s pants the first night we went out,” Jason bragged. “There’s no such thing as moving too fast. I bang as many as I can.”
Ron let out a snort, casting another glare at his younger brother. “Why don’t you and Mark head on out of here? I need to close down the gym.” He glanced back at me, waiting until they went out and closed the door.
“You watch her for clues, you know, body language? If she wants you to kiss her, you’ll know. There will be signs.”
“What kind of signs?” God, I felt like an idiot. That nineteen-year-old kid knew how to get laid better than I did, and he wasn’t even that good-looking.
Ron shrugged. “I don’t know. Licking her lips. Staring at your mouth. Playing with her hair. Leaning closer to you. Watching your eyes. Why don’t you try again, just move slower this time. Don’t rush it, man. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.”
He clapped me on the shoulder and headed for the door. “Come on. I need to lock up.”
Ron was full of knowledge about women. “How long you been married?”
He turned back to me with a smile. “Five years now. And it only gets better with each year that goes by.”
I nodded and followed him out. My ineptitude with women wasn’t something I could blame on my dyslexia. It was simply my inexperience that had caused my stupid actions. It was actually pretty comical if I thought about it. I knew all about pleasuring a woman in bed, but I had no idea how to get her there to begin with.
Thankfully, Ron was an easy guy to talk to. I wouldn’t have been able to have this particular conversation with any of my dreg brothers, because none of them had a woman. Except for Tracker, but he’d moved north, and I doubted he would even talk to me if I called him and asked for woman advice.
It doesn’t hurt to try. He might have forgiven you by now.
Not likely.
Ron had said to move slowly.
Okay, I could try that. What, exactly, did that mean? How did I know if I was going too fast or too slow?
Jessica will know.
I left the gym and slid into my car, locking the doors. I pulled up Tracker’s number in my phone and decided to send a text, hoping either he or Jessica, would respond.
Hey man. Hope things are going well for you. Just wondered if maybe you could give me some woman advice.
I hesitated, reread the message, then hit “send”.
I started the car and headed for home, not really expecting him to respond. But as I was pulling into the garage, a text lit up the screen.
Fuck you, Jacob.
I sighed. Whatever. It had been worth a try.
Then another text came in.
Ignore him, he’s being an ass. This is Jessica. I can help you.
A relieved chuckle burst out of me. I knew there was a reason I liked Jessica. Maybe she would eventually convince Tracker to forgive me.
I need help wooing a woman, I texted back, my face growing hot at the admission. I need some pointers.
I’d be happy to help you. By the way, it’s so good to hear from you. How is Hazel?
I swiped the screen and clicked on Tracker’s image, deciding to call instead. I could only text for so long before my dyslexia took over and I became frustrated and couldn’t do it any longer.
“Jacob!” Jessica said excitedly. “How are you and Hazel?”
“We’re good. Thanks. How are you guys?”
“We’re doing really well, thank you. Tracker’s being a stubborn ass right now, but he’ll come around eventually.” She let out a soft yelp and I guessed he’d done something to interrupt her, grabbed her leg or something. My lips twitched. I wanted what they had. That special closeness. The happiness. The caring. The trust. The love.
I wanted all of that with Anna. But I had no idea how to achieve it. I’d never felt this way about a girl before. I wanted Anna. Only her. For as long as she would have me. Even if I didn’t deserve her.
Jessica cleared her throat. “Anyway, what can I help you with?”
I found myself relaxing and explaining the situation to Jessica. That Anna was Hazel’s nanny, and she was doing an amazing job. I’d been attracted to her from the start, but had kept my distance because I didn’t want to ruin our employer/employee relationship. I told her about the dinner and the movie and how I’d apparently come on too strong and scared Anna away. Jessica listened quietly. I believed she would help me. She wasn’t a judgmental person.
After I finished talking, there was a moment of silence. Then Jessica asked, “And how long have you known her?”
I let out a nervous laugh. “About a week and a half.”
“Hmm. You’ve fallen pretty fast for her, haven’t you?”
My face grew hot. I was glad she couldn’t see me through the phone. “I don’t know what it is I feel for her. I can’t seem to get her out of my head. She’s gorgeous. She’s sweet. She’s kind and giving. She’s funny as hell. And she’s great with Hazel. She’s…I don’t know, amazing.”
Jessica chuckled softly. “You’re obviously falling in love with her. That’s so sweet.”
I was? Was that what this feeling was? Love? Shit. It was happening fast. Too fast.
Ron’s words came back to me then.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.
This was meant to be. I felt it in my gut. Anna was meant to be mine. We were meant to be.
“I would recommend that you slow things down a bit, so you don’t scare her away,” Jessica went on gently. “You know, hold her hand first, put an arm around her waist or her shoulders. Watch how she responds to those things, and then slowly move in for a kiss. Don’t rush it. Let the anticipation build up. It will make it that much more special when you finally become intimate.”
My face was burning hotly by the time she finished talking. Thank God she couldn’t see me. I cleared my throat. “Okay. Thanks. I can try that.”
“Does she know who you are?” Jessica asked.
Shit. That wasn’t a question I’d expected. “No. And if I can help it, she’ll never find out.”
I climbed out of my car and closed the door, heading for the back door.
Jessica sighed. “I think that’s your biggest mistake, not telling her who you are. Don’t keep secrets from her. Don’t lie to her. You need to be honest and upfront with her. Secrets and lies ruin relationships.”
“I’m doing it to protect her,” I argued. “To keep her safe. If she finds out who I am, she’ll probably leave. And Hazel needs her. Hell, I need her.”
“I think you’re wrong. When she finds out you lied, that might be what makes her leave. If you want to keep her safe, then tell her the truth
. That way she can prepare herself for what could happen. If she doesn’t know who you are, how can she prepare herself for the possible dangers? You have to tell her who you are and let her make the decision whether or not she wants to stay with you.”
Fuck. That’s not what I wanted to hear.
“And how can you start a relationship with someone with secrets between you?” Jessica went on. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason she pushed you away was because you’re not being honest with her and not telling her the truth about who you really are?”
I squeezed the phone tightly in my hand, fighting back the urge to fling it across the garage.
“I can’t tell her. It’s too dangerous.”
Jessica sighed again. “Tell her who you are, Jacob. If she leaves because of it, then she wasn’t the right woman for you. But she needs to know. You have to tell her.”
I scowled, glaring at the phone. “I didn’t call you so you could tell me that.”
“You asked for my advice,” Jessica said softly, “and I gave it to you. I have to go now. Tracker’s pulling on my leg. Good luck, Jacob.”
I stuffed the phone in my pocket and entered the house.
You have to tell her.
What if I told her the truth…and she left?
But what if I told her the truth…and she chose to stay?
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Anna
I visited the disabled veterans’ center again the next two afternoons. I invited Jacob to come with me both times, and to bring Hazel along, but both times, he refused. So I went alone. On my third visit to the veterans’ center, a therapist was with Kenny, fitting him with prosthetic legs. Kenny was arguing with the man, his face red with frustration and, I sensed, embarrassment, so I left him alone and visited a few of the other veterans instead. Then I strolled into the public library and signed up for a library card so I could check out some books to read to Hazel. When I got back to Jacob’s house with two children’s books, Jacob had already put Hazel to bed. Had he read her a story? I peered into her bedroom and found she was already asleep, so I quietly set the books on the night stand. I bent over her and gently kissed her cheek. When I rose and turned toward the doorway, Jacob was standing there, watching me.
Then he turned away. I quietly left the room, but when I stepped out into the hallway, Jacob had vanished.
Jacob had been distant since I’d rebuffed him in the hallway that night after the movie, staying away from me, going into his office and getting on his computer, or working out in the backroom. He didn’t offer to give me any more self-defense lessons, and I didn’t ask him to. It was becoming awkward and uncomfortable between us. We needed to talk about this, and figure out what to do about it. Even little Hazel could feel the tension between us. I had come to the conclusion that it was impossible to fight my attraction to him. Trying to ignore it would be silly.
After much contemplation, I had decided I was willing to see where the attraction led, as long as we took it slow and didn’t let whatever happened between us affect Hazel. Or my job. I wasn’t sure if that was possible, but I couldn’t deny I felt something for Jacob, and I wanted to see if anything came of it. How could I ignore such a strong pull? I’d never felt this way about a man before.
I found Jacob in his office/den area on his computer. He glanced up as I hesitated in the doorway.
“Can we talk?”
Something flickered in his eyes before he lowered his gaze to the computer monitor. “Talk.”
I stepped into the room. I needed to say what I’d come to say, and not chicken out. I was, after all, an honest person. I didn’t like secrets. “I’ve been thinking about this attraction between us. I know I said it’s inappropriate to sleep with my boss, and I still believe that, but if we become involved in a serious, monogamous relationship, then it won’t be wrong.” I cleared my throat. “So, if you’re…interested, I would like to pursue whatever is between us and see where it leads. But you’re going to have to talk to me, open up to me, tell me who Jacob is.” I paused, willing him to look at me, but he kept his gaze on his monitor. “I won’t deny there’s something powerful between us, but if I’m going to get involved with a man, I need other things first before sex.”
His gaze jerked to mine. “What do you need?”
Finally, I had his attention. I mentioned sex and he perked up. Go figure. “Well, friendship, for one. Romance. Trust. A strong emotional connection. No secrets.”
He lowered his gaze to the monitor again. “I tried to give you romance, and you pushed me away. I don’t know if I can give you those other things. All I know is sex.”
I swallowed hard. “Do you want me to stay here and work for you?”
He pulled his gaze back to mine. “Yeah.”
“Do you want to have a relationship with me beyond employer/employee?”
He blinked. “Yeah. I want…” He broke off, lowering his gaze.
“What do you want from me, Jacob? Tell me. Please.”
He hesitated. “I want you in my bed. Every night. For as long as you’re willing. I will make it worth your time. I promise you won’t regret it.”
Heat washed up my neck into my face, but I managed to hold his gaze. Worth my time? Was he serious? “That’s all you want from me? Just sex?”
He cleared his throat. “I want whatever you’re willing to give me, but definitely sex.”
I swallowed hard. What would he give in return? Would he open up to me? Share his secrets? I wasn’t going to sleep with him until he opened up to me.
“I don’t know hardly anything about you. I want to know you, Jacob. And that means your full name. Your job. Your interests. Everything. No secrets.”
He closed the laptop and leaned back in the chair. He sighed. “Why can’t sex be enough? Why do you need to bring all that other stuff into it? It won’t affect Hazel if we keep it simple. No emotions equals no hurt feelings when it ends.”
I lowered my gaze. Just sex. No emotions. No hurt feelings when it ends. Did that mean he expected it to be temporary? I shouldn’t be surprised that all he wanted was sex. But I knew myself well enough to know that if I slept with him, I wouldn’t be able to keep my feelings out of it. Getting involved with Jacob might end up being my downfall. He could hurt me. All too easily. Hell, he already was hurting me by saying he only wanted sex.
Jacob’s different than other men. He admitted he’s never dated before. Sex is all he knows. You can’t be mad at him for being honest.
But it still hurt. I was a romantic at heart. I wanted to fall in love with him and I wanted him to fall in love with me. Sex and love went together in my mind. I couldn’t have one without the other. Maybe I was naïve that way, but it was how I felt. I needed the emotional connection before the physical one.
You already have a physical connection with Jacob. A strong one. If he kisses you again, you’re going to give in. You know it.
I shoved the thought from my mind. Sex wasn’t enough. Not for me.
But what if he wasn’t capable of love? What if lust was all he would ever feel for me?
Then you need to leave now, before he has the chance to hurt you more.
“I’m sorry, Jacob. I can’t do that. I’m not that kind of girl. I’ll…look for another job.” I spun on my heel to leave the room.
His voice halted me. “Wait. Let’s negotiate. I’m willing to try those things, if you show me what it is I need to do first.”
I turned slowly and met his gaze. He was willing to give this a try? Could the powerful physical attraction between us turn into something stronger? Could it turn into love?
I let out the breath I’d been holding. “First, I want you to open up to me and tell me about yourself. It doesn’t have to be today. It doesn’t have to be all at once. It can be little bits of information here and there. I want us to get to know each other first. And I’ll tell you whatever you want to know about me. I don’t have anything to hide.”
He let out a
soft grunt. “Well, I do. I have lots to hide. Things that could get you killed if I told you.”
I lifted my chin. “Don’t you think I have a right to know those things? I’ve witnessed the wild-animal-like wariness that emanates off you. You obviously don’t trust easily. I know you’re dangerous. I saw you threaten that man the other night. But strangely, I feel safe around you. My gut tells me you would never hurt me. You won’t go outside during the day, which tells me you’re hiding from something. But what? Did you break the law? Are the cops hunting you? Or do you just have some kind of a phobia that keeps you inside? Who is Just Jacob? Why is he the way he is? Why can’t you just tell me who you are?”
He sighed, his gaze filling with that wariness I’d just mentioned. “Because if you find out the truth about me, you’ll leave. And I’ll have no one to take care of Hazel.”
A beat of silence passed. He was afraid I would leave.
“You already said you’re not a drug lord, a gang leader, a criminal, or mafia. My gut tells me you’re not a bad person. Who could you be that’s so bad it will scare me away? I don’t scare that easily. Why don’t you tell me the truth and give me a chance to decide on my own?”
He snorted. “I’m not a good person, Anna. That’s the truth. That alone should make you leave. I’ve done horrible things. I’m not relationship material. I’ve never even been in a relationship before. I don’t know what’s expected of me. What Celia and I had was just sex. I’m not sure if I even have anything other than sex to offer you.” He sighed again, rubbing a hand roughly over his face. “But I’m willing to give this….” He waved an arm at me, “…whatever this is between us…a try, because that’s how badly I want you. But you’re going to have to go into this with your eyes wide open. I can’t guarantee anything. And I’m not telling you who I am. Not yet. It’s for your own safety. Trust has to be earned. Not more than three days ago, I caught you snooping through my dresser. And you want me to trust you with my secrets now?”
Heat scalded my cheeks. He was right. He had caught me snooping. I would have to earn his trust.
The Fighter Page 13
