Coffee and Repartee
Page 3
II
"Do you know, I sometimes think--" began the Idiot, opening and shuttingthe silver cover of his watch several times with a snap, with theprobable, and not altogether laudable, purpose of calling his landlady'sattention to the fact--of which she was already painfully aware--thatbreakfast was fifteen minutes late.
"Do you, really?" interrupted the School-master, looking up from hisbook with an air of mock surprise. "I am sure I never should havesuspected it."
"Indeed?" returned the Idiot, undisturbed by this reflection upon hisintellect. "I don't really know whether that is due to your generallyunsuspicious nature, or to your shortcomings as a mind-reader."
"There are some minds," put in the landlady at this point, "that are sosmall that it would certainly ruin the eyes to read them."
"I have seen many such," observed the Idiot, suavely. "Even our friendthe Bibliomaniac at times has seemed to me to be very absent-minded. Andthat reminds me, Doctor," he continued, addressing himself to themedical boarder. "What is the cause of absent-mindedness?"
"That," returned the Doctor, ponderously, "is a very large question.Absent-mindedness, generally speaking, is the result of the projectionof the intellect into surroundings other than those which for want of abetter term I might call the corporeally immediate."
"So I have understood," said the Idiot, approvingly. "And isabsent-mindedness acquired or inherent?"
Here the Idiot appropriated the roll of his neighbor.
"That depends largely upon the case," replied the Doctor, nervously."Some are born absent-minded, some achieve absent-mindedness, and somehave absent-mindedness thrust upon them."
"As illustrations of which we might take, for instance, I suppose," saidthe Idiot, "the born idiot, the borrower, and the man who is knockedsilly by the pole of a truck on Broadway."
"Precisely," replied the Doctor, glad to get out of the discussion soeasily. He was a very young doctor, and not always sure of himself.
"Or," put in the School-master, "to condense our illustrations, if theIdiot would kindly go out upon Broadway and encounter the truck, weshould find the three combined in him."
The landlady here laughed quite heartily, and handed the School-masteran extra strong cup of coffee.
"There is a great deal in what you say," said the Idiot, without atremor. "There are very few scientific phenomena that cannot bedemonstrated in one way or another by my poor self. It is the exceptionalways that proves the rule, and in my case you find a consistentconverse exemplification of all three branches of absent-mindedness."
"He talks well," said the Bibliomaniac, _sotto voce_, to the Minister.
"Yes, especially when he gets hold of large words. I really believe hereads," replied Mr. Whitechoker.
"'WHAT ARE THE FIRST SYMPTOMS OF INSANITY?'"]
"I know he does," said the School-master, who had overheard. "I saw himreading Webster's Dictionary last night. I have noticed, however, thatgenerally his vocabulary is largely confined to words that come betweenthe letters A and F, which shows that as yet he has not dipped verydeeply into the book."
"What are you murmuring about?" queried the Idiot, noting the loweredtone of those on the other side of the table.
"We were conversing--ahem! about--" began the Minister, with adespairing glance at the Bibliomaniac.
"Let me say it," interrupted the Bibliomaniac. "You aren't used toprevarication, and that is what is demanded at this time. We weretalking about--ah--about--er--"
"Tut! tut!" ejaculated the School-master. "We were only saying wethought the--er--the--that the--"
"What _are_ the first symptoms of insanity, Doctor?" observed the Idiot,with a look of wonder at the three shuffling boarders opposite him, andturning anxiously to the physician.
"I wish you wouldn't talk shop," retorted the Doctor, angrily. Insanitywas one of his weak points.
"It's a beastly habit," said the School-master, much relieved at thisturn of the conversation.
"Well, perhaps you are right," returned the Idiot. "People do, as arule, prefer to talk of things they know something about, and I don'tblame you, Doctor, for wanting to keep out of a medical discussion. Ionly asked my last question because the behavior of the Bibliomaniac andMr. Whitechoker and the School-master for some time past has worried me,and I didn't know but what you might work up a nice little practiceamong us. It might not pay, but you'd find the experience valuable, andI think unique."
"It is a fine thing to have a doctor right in the house," said Mr.Whitechoker, kindly, fearing that the Doctor's manifest indignationmight get the better of him.
"That," returned the Idiot, "is an assertion, Mr. Whitechoker, that isboth true and untrue. There are times when a physician is an ornament toa boarding-house; times when he is not. For instance, on Wednesdaymorning if it had not been for the surgical skill of our friend here,our good landlady could never have managed properly to distribute thelate autumn chicken we found upon the menu. Tally one for theaffirmative. On the other hand, I must confess to considerable loss ofappetite when I see the Doctor rolling his bread up into little pills,or measuring the vinegar he puts on his salad by means of a glassdropper, and taking the temperature of his coffee with his pocketthermometer. Nor do I like--and I should not have mentioned it save byway of illustrating my position in regard to Mr. Whitechoker'sassertion--nor do I like the cold, eager glitter in the Doctor's eyes ashe watches me consuming, with some difficulty, I admit, the cold pastrywe have served up to us on Saturday mornings under the whollytransparent _alias_ of 'Hot Bread.' I may have very bad taste, but, inmy humble opinion, the man who talks shop is preferable to the one whosuggests it in his eyes. Some more iced potatoes, Mary," he added,calmly.
"'READING WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY'"]
"Madame," said the Doctor, turning angrily to the landlady, "this isinsufferable. You may make out my bill this morning. I shall have toseek a home elsewhere."
"Oh, now, Doctor!" began the landlady, in her most pleading tone.
"Jove!" ejaculated the Idiot. "That's a good idea, Doctor. I think I'llgo with you; I'm not altogether satisfied here myself, but to desert socharming a company as we have here had never occurred to me. Together,however, we can go forth, and perhaps find happiness. Shall we put onour hunting togs and chase the fiery, untamed hall-room to the deaththis morning, or shall we put it off until some pleasanter day?"
"Put it off," observed the School-master, persuasively. "The Idiot wasonly indulging in persiflage, Doctor. That's all. When you have knownhim longer you will understand him better. Views are as necessary to himas sunlight to the flowers; and I truly think that in an asylum he wouldprove a delightful companion."
"There, Doctor," said the Idiot; "that's handsome of the School-master.He couldn't make more of an apology if he tried. I'll forgive him if youwill. What say you?"
And strange to say, the Doctor, in spite of the indignation which stillleft a red tinge on his cheek, laughed aloud and was reconciled.
As for the School-master, he wanted to be angry, but he did not feelthat he could afford his wrath, and for the first time in some monthsthe guests went their several ways at peace with each other and theworld.