Antigoddess

by Kendare Blake

  He might never come back. The next time I see him he might try to kill me. Or he might run and keep on running.

  But there was nothing she could say. No guarantee she could ask for.

  “Don’t give up,” she said finally. “We haven’t even started yet.”

  He patted her hand and she let go. “I’ll be back.” He offered an arm to Celine and she took it. “The god of thieves might be easily rattled. But that doesn’t make him a coward.” He turned to go, but before she walked with him, Celine looked at Athena.

  “I’m glad that you came to us in time to learn the whereabouts of the girl.”

  Athena said nothing. It was the last thing she’d expected.

  Celine shrugged. “Blaming you would be easy. But it is not so simple as that. We would have been forced to choose a side. It would have come to this, eventually. So I am glad that when you found us we were strong enough to help you. And I am glad that you were there to save us.” She paused, and fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. The voice that issued from her throat was the same as ever, though her lips trembled. “The last of Circe’s coven.” She nodded to Hermes, who led her a few paces before picking her up and starting to run. It was only seconds before they were no longer visible.

  Will they be all right? Athena stared into the trees where Hermes had gone. Would any of them? They’d stepped into it right and proper. The odds of survival slipped by the minute, and the odds of a victory were somewhere between winning the lottery and dying of spontaneous human combustion. She flexed her torn hand and rubbed her tongue against the roof of her mouth. The pain felt like weakness. Where would the next goddamn feather turn up? In her heart? Or maybe it would corkscrew right through her eye.

  She thought of Hera, so strong, and as maliciously clever as ever. Her death was a slow turning to stone. It was a walking metaphor. And instead of making her weak it only made her more of a monster. They were up against too much. Poseidon would crash the sea into every continent and Hera would apparently bomb the shit out of the rest, all while brandishing her damn stone fist like a battle-axe.

  What did it feel like, to have your flesh slowly harden into rock? Did it feel similar to the way the feathers felt? Stinging pains and dull, aching throbs?

  “I hope it hurts like fucking nails in your eyes,” Athena muttered. “And I wish that it had started with your face.”

  Behind her, Odysseus cleared his throat. She turned to see him standing beside the tree she had struck with her fist. There was a patch of bark missing eight inches across and three inches deep. Sap oozed from the wound like sticky, amber blood. Embarrassment clenched down in her chest; she didn’t like him knowing she’d lost her temper. It wasn’t in tune with the goddess she’d always been, the one he must remember.

  Odysseus examined the splintered wood and flashed a cockeyed grin.

  “Whatever the tree did, I’m sure that it’s sorry.”

  Athena sucked on her tongue. “I miss the days when one glare from me was enough to turn you into a trembling puddle.”

  Odysseus laughed. “In all our long history, I don’t remember any days like that.” He gestured over his shoulder, back toward where Mareden and Estelle still sat. “They’re all right,” he said. “I just couldn’t … stand there anymore. They don’t want comfort, you know?”

  “I know.” What could have comforted them? They wanted their sisters back, their lives back. They wanted for none of what was happening to be happening. It was impossible. Not even Zeus at the height of his powers could perform those kinds of miracles. And even if he could, he wouldn’t. She could practically hear his voice in her head, as clear as it had been when she’d sat near his knee on Olympus.

  What has happened was ordained by Fate. It governs all things, and we cannot see into its mind, child, no matter how mighty we are.

  Over and over she’d heard those words, or a similar variation. The Fates. The Moirae. Three beings of destiny, above the gods. Zeus always called them “It,” but they were really three: three sisters. He was mostly right, though. They acted as one, spoke as one, sometimes moved as one as they worked their golden loom, weaving and unweaving peoples’ lives. And shearing them off just as quickly. Fate was the only lesson a god needed to learn. It was their only hard limit.

  Athena exhaled bitterly. Since then she’d learned a lot more about limits. Limits of strength and limits of life.

  “How fast do you heal?”

  Athena blinked. She’d been caught up in her own mind and hadn’t noticed Odysseus drawing closer. He held her injured hand up to his face, surveying the tears in the skin and the drying patterns of blood crisscrossed over her fingers and wrist.

  “Faster than you’d think for someone who’s dying,” she replied, and he smiled.

  “You should put something on it anyway,” he said. “I’ve got some ointment and bandages in my pack, from back at The Three Sisters.”

  Athena sighed. All the anger that had fueled her flight through Chicago had leaked out. What still lingered was weak and exhausted, just fumes. Odysseus brushed his fingers across the back of her hand, lightly and carefully. The touch was soothing and sweet. She could’ve closed her eyes and fallen asleep standing.

  Instead she pulled away and clenched her fist, breaking the newly forming scabs on her knuckles.

  “Don’t baby me,” she said. Odysseus raised his eyebrows.

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.” He smiled his familiar smile and walked back through the trees. Athena counted to ten before following.

  * * *

  Hermes was back before nightfall. He came without Celine and would only say that he had found the others and that they were safe. Athena didn’t ask where they had gone. The fewer people who knew, the safer the witches would be.

  “Are you going to rest for the night?” Hermes asked, and Athena looked over her shoulder at Odysseus, who sat with his back against a broad tree trunk. His eyes were closed, but he was listening, she was sure.

  “We’ve rested enough.” She glanced into the darkening sky. Hera was out there somewhere. She knew it, but she couldn’t feel it like she had been able to sense Demeter’s presence. The bitch had cloaked herself somehow. Either that, or I’m just growing weaker.

  “Are you sure?” Hermes asked. His eyes stole down to her hand. Odysseus’ bandaging stood out on her knuckles, bright white. “Did you do that yourself?”

  “No. Odysseus had some salve from the witches.”

  “Oh,” Hermes said.

  Athena cocked her head. “Is something wrong?”

  “No.”

  “Then get going. Why are you dawdling?”

  Hermes did his best to appear intimidated and couldn’t quite manage it. “You’re not the warm and fuzzy sister I left here a few hours ago.”

  “You’re not the confused and cowardly brother who ran off a few hours ago. Are you.”

  “No.” He smiled with closed lips. He liked her better this way, no matter what he said. She could see it. This way was normal. It made him feel safe.

  Hermes rolled his shoulders back. “Well, stay off the main roads when you go. They’re calling this a terrorist attack, which is at least accurate. But Fox News is saying it leveled half a block, and that’s a total exaggeration.”

  Athena looked around at the trees. When they’d fled Chicago, they’d done so in a state of panic. They hadn’t even gone the right way, which would have been east, though it was probably a lucky mistake in case Hera had been watching in an attempt to follow. She and Hermes hadn’t stopped running for miles, darting like rabbits into the first patch of forest they found. They’d changed directions then and run through trees for another four miles. She wasn’t certain where they’d ended up. She thought it was part of Palos Park.

  “Look, there are forest preserves all over down here, looping to the east. We’ll stick to them as best we can. Drop the witches and then meet us at Wolf Lake. We’ll start hitching from there.”

  “I don’t know where W
olf Lake is,” Hermes protested. “Some of us haven’t committed every stretch of the globe to memory.”

  “So get a map.”

  “No money. It was inconveniently blown up back at The Three Sisters, remember?”

  Athena looked at him carefully. He was being thick on purpose. Since when had the god of thieves needed money for anything? He was already wearing a fresh set of clothes, some new jeans and a Hollister t-shirt that had obviously been lifted from somewhere.

  “Besides, it would be a good idea if I went ahead to Kincade and checked things out. We don’t need any more surprises.”

  “Am I slowing you down, Hermes?”

  He didn’t answer, just smiled an odd little smile. He looked good, all things considered. With his muster up and his eyes bright, he hardly looked sick. It was the weariness that really made his bones show. Plain old fatigue, pulling his skin down toward the ground.

  Athena sighed.

  “Fine. Go on ahead. But be careful. And don’t do anything until we get there. We won’t be more than three days behind.”

  “Absolutely.” He smirked and walked away toward where Mareden and Estelle waited. Their eyes were dry, finally, and their faces lit with tenuous hope. They had been certain that Bethe, Harper, and Jenna had somehow been killed too. When Hermes got to them, they each stood to one side and slung an arm around his neck. Only Mareden looked back at Athena, and when she did it was without expression.

  * * *

  “Aren’t you worried we’re getting lost?” Odysseus asked. They’d been walking for two hours and had left the Palos Park Woods. The going was easier for a stretch as they crossed over highways, but then they’d gone back into the trees. It was full dark and the sky overhead hung a dull, overcast black. Light in the forest was basically nonexistent. Odysseus kept close to Athena. She did her best to pick the path with the least obstructions, but it was a miracle he hadn’t gone face-first over a root.

  “How do you know we’re going the right direction?”

  “I just know.”

  “But how? There’s no moon, and no visible stars. And it feels like we’re traveling in a curve.” He adjusted his pack on his shoulders. “Don’t you think we should pop out of these trees and check? How can you see in this? I’m going to end up arse over ears.”

  Athena groaned. “You’re worse than Hermes.”

  “Well, I’m only saying.”

  “Don’t question me. I’m a god. Dammit.” She turned back and saw him smile in the dark.

  “You could just piggyback me, you know.”

  “Is the great Odysseus getting tired?”

  “Not in a thousand years. It’d be faster is all. During that uphill stretch I was halfway to jumping on without asking.”

  He reached forward and managed to slip his finger through one of her belt loops. She froze like he’d stabbed her with an ice pick and slapped his hand away. The grin fell off his face in the span of a second.

  Athena blanched. “Sorry.” Grabbing her belt loop had been a harmless gesture, meant to keep him on the right track and on his feet rather than facedown in dirt and ferns.

  “Don’t worry about it. Nothing like being smacked away like a three year old to remind you of your place.”

  “Don’t be like that.” She watched him. He didn’t hide his facial expressions in the dark like he did in the light. The embarrassment and disappointment on his features were plain. He shook his head.

  “I’m not. Like anything. It’s just been a long time. I thought you might’ve loosened up.”

  “Don’t count on it.”

  He smiled. “Look, I didn’t mean anything by it. I feel like I know you, is all. Like I’ve known you for a long time. Ever since Brighton Beach, getting my memories back—I guess it never occurred to me that you wouldn’t feel the same way.”

  He made her feel guiltier by the second. “I do feel the same way. I have known you. For a long time.”

  “Don’t worry about it. You’ve been alive these few thousand years. What do my two lives matter to you?”

  “Will you shut up? They matter plenty. When I saw you back at The Three Sisters I thought—” She paused as the smirk broke through his cheeks, then laughed. “You still can’t touch me.”

  “But you’re still my goddess?”

  “Because I’m still your goddess. Now keep moving.” As she turned, she caught a flash of disappointment cross his face. That was real. She’d seen him through so many things in the past. She’d seen him sad to the point of madness, seen him sulk when his pride was wounded. But she’d never seen that look before.

  I’ve never seen that look from anyone.

  “Wait.”

  “What?” He tensed, thinking she’d heard something. She lifted her hand toward his face curiously. Her fingers traced the air along his neck and shoulders. She could feel the heat of his skin.

  An image of the red room at The Three Sisters rose in her head, adorned with satin and crystal beads. The sounds of his breathing as he lay on the bed, still dazed. None of his lovers in his previous life had ever wanted to let him go. Circe had kept him for a year. The sea goddess Calypso had kept him for seven and would have married him if Athena hadn’t demanded his release.

  She looked at him in the dark. Could he really be so much better than any other? What was it about him? What did his lips feel like, parted against your neck, or grazing along your shoulders? How did his arms feel when they crushed you against his chest?

  She’d never felt any of those things. Not once.

  Not even with you. And of all mortals, I loved you best.

  Athena blinked and snapped her arm back to her side. She grimaced. The movement hadn’t been quiet. She watched Odysseus carefully. His eyes wandered and stilled again.

  “If you’re having trouble keeping up, just say so,” she said quickly.

  “I’m having trouble keeping up,” he said with a wry smile.

  “All right. We have to keep moving, but—” She thought of ways to carry him along, using her arm to hold him up beside her. “I’ll help you.” She reached out and took his hand. The gentle pressure of his fingers sent a jolt down her spine. Then she tugged him forward, and they walked quickly before breaking into a run. As they went she pulled him up and along, and sensed his fear change to exhilaration as they streaked through night-black trees, their feet barely touching the dirt.

  * * *

  Athena stuck her thumb out as the tenth pair of headlights approached in the morning fog. Hitching was a pain in the ass, especially when there was fog so thick that the driver couldn’t see that the thumb was attached to a good set of legs. Visibility was also a factor when it came to Odysseus, who consistently stepped too far out into the lane and was going to get his arm taken off at the very least.

  They were on Route 6, walking the shoulder and hoping to get a ride that would take them onto the freeway and, if they were lucky, out of Illinois. Two more cars passed by in the pink-orange light of dawn; the second one honked loudly. Athena and Odysseus gave it matching middle fingers.

  “Just some scared house lady,” Odysseus mused. “Probably scared to death that we’re going to steal her car, cut her up, and stick her in the trunk while we go joyriding.”

  “You can’t really blame her,” said Athena, gesturing to her clothes, which were still torn and caked with dirt. Blood had dried to brown spots and patches on her knees and the belly of her t-shirt. Odysseus looked even worse. Unlike Hermes, they hadn’t taken a trip to the local mall.

  Hermes was probably halfway to Kincade by now, Athena supposed. He was probably holed up in some swanky hotel and figured that “laying low” meant using a very convincing alias to book it under. Athena frowned.

  Don’t worry so much. He can take care of himself. He’s done it since forever.

  But things were different. They were all vulnerable, and she regretted letting him go ahead on his own.

  “Why are we looking for Cassandra, anyway?” Odysseus asked.r />
  “You remember her?”

  “Of course I do. She was a right comely little princess. Maybe not so much as her sister, but…”

  Athena rolled her eyes. “Do you remember her with something besides your penis?”

  Odysseus laughed. “I remember that everyone said she was a prophet, but nobody believed what she prophesized. They said she was crazy. Even when everything happened the way she said it would. People were jerks, back then.”

  “It wasn’t the people.” Athena put her thumb out for another pair of headlights, but they went right by. “It was Apollo.”

  “Apollo? Patron god of Troy?”

  “He was in love with her. He was the one who gave her the gift of prophecy to begin with. But then she pissed him off, somehow, so he cursed her. He made it so she’d always see, but no one would ever believe her.”

  “Sounds pretty crazy-making.” Odysseus waved his arms at an approaching minivan.

  “Don’t flag the ones with children inside. They’re never going to stop for two bloodied vagrants, and they might call the cops.”

  “I thought maybe they’d think we were in an accident and pull over like good Samaritans.” He sighed. “So when we find Cassandra, what makes you think she’ll help? She must hate gods, after what was done to her.”

  “She probably doesn’t remember. And even if she does, not all gods are bad.” She smiled over her shoulder. “Some of them work for years to save the skins of cocky, ungrateful heroes.”

  “Hey! You coming?”

  She turned toward the voice, shouted from the rolled-down window of a silver, late-model Ford Taurus. A jacket-clad arm hooked out onto the door and gestured for them to come on.

  Odysseus grinned and slung his bag over his shoulder. In the fog they hadn’t even noticed the car pulling over. They walked up and Athena got into the front seat. Odysseus piled into the back and immediately tossed his bag down to use for a pillow. He’d probably be snoring in less than a mile, but he shook hands with the driver before flopping onto his side.