Love & Consequences: A Love & Ruin Standalone Novel

by J. A. Owenby

  Slipping out of the stall, I dampened a paper towel and blotted my face. I knew my makeup would melt off shortly, but I wanted to look my best as long as I could.

  “Suck it up, girl. You know your brother is going to lose his shit, but you and Cade are adults. It will be alright. Everything will be okay,” I said to my reflection, but deep inside, I wasn’t sure if it was the truth.

  Hendrix’s voice echoed down the hallway as I hurried back to where they were backstage. The band was running over a few minor changes before the performance when I stepped behind the curtain. I scanned the area, noting all the security backstage, but I didn’t see Pierce.

  “Anyone have any questions?” Hendrix asked, his attention bouncing between John, Cade, and Gemma.

  They all shook their heads. It seemed like everyone was a bit more nervous than usual. I wasn’t sure how they did it honestly. The second I strolled on stage, I’d full on faint.

  “Hey, how ya doing?” Hendrix asked, walking over to me.

  “Good,” I said, smiling. “Where’s Pierce? I don’t see him anywhere.”

  “We have more than enough security tonight, so I gave him the night off. Hopefully he’ll get drunk and laid,” Hendrix chuckled. “He works so much I think he forgets how to have any fun.”

  I giggled. “The crowd is really ramping up out there,” I said, peeking through the curtain.

  “Yeah, I know. The first little bit out there in front of that many people never gets easier, but once we start playing it all falls into place.”

  “Yes, it does, but Hendrix is right, this part never gets easier,” Gemma said, slipping her arm around Hendrix’s waist. He leaned down and kissed her. My focus bounced to Cade and found his attention was also on me. He glanced around before giving me a subtle wink. Maybe he was still okay with his decision.

  “Alright, let’s do this,” Hendrix said, motioning for everyone to gather around him.

  We all moved our arms around each other and grinned. The energy in the auditorium was insane.

  “Let’s give it—”

  Hendrix’s cell phone vibrated loudly, cutting off his words. In quick succession Gemma’s, then mine, John’s, and Cade’s phones sounded. Our arms dropped as we all fumbled for our phones, frowning. How weird was it they were all going off at the same time? Was it Franklin? Was there an emergency?

  Gemma gasped, her hand flying to her mouth as her phone clattered to the floor. I tapped the screen and waited for my message to load.

  “Mac,” Hendrix said, his expression growing alarmed.

  Suddenly, I heard my voice come from Cade’s phone.

  “Mac, don’t look,” Cade said, attempting to grab my phone, but I dodged him.

  Gemma ran toward me, but it was too late. I’d seen all I needed to.

  My mouth hung open when I saw the video had already gone viral. How? How had this happened?

  Everyone stared at me, their faces filled with disbelief and pain.

  Without a word, I darted off the back of the stage, down the hall, and out the back-auditorium door. The stale, hot air took my breath away. I had no idea where I was going, but I couldn’t stay there and deal with the way my friends and family had looked at me.

  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I hightailed it through the parking lot and in the direction of the bus. I had no intention of going there in case Pierce was hanging out. I couldn’t look at anyone right now anyway.

  I hooked a sharp right and recalled the park and water fountain Cade had pointed out earlier in the day. It was nearing dark, but I would be able to hide there for a while.

  Within minutes, my feet were pounding across the soft grass to my destination. A large palm tree stood on the far side, and I slipped behind it. Sobbing, the soul-shattering truth of what I’d seen on my phone brought me to my knees. That son of a bitch had gotten to me again.

  A million thoughts rushed through my mind as I recalled the video someone had released of me when Brandon had me in captivity. Although I knew he was behind it, I wasn’t sure how he’d set it up. He’d apparently had someone on the outside prepare and send it.

  My chest ached. Everyone who mattered to me had seen it at the same time. I’d never even told my therapist about what Brandon had done to me, and now the entire world knew.

  The bitter sting of the violation settled deep inside me as I leaned against the trunk of the tree and drew my knees up into my chest. The sky burned a brilliant orange, then the sun set, leaving me in darkness, but I didn’t care. I grabbed my purse and pulled out my bottle of vodka. I downed as much as I could stand without choking it back up and waited for the alcohol to numb me. How in the hell would I ever be able to look at my brother again? Or Cade? He wouldn’t even want to touch me after what he’d seen.

  Oblivion wasn’t coming fast enough, so I scrambled through my purse again and located my bottle of Xanax. I rolled the bottle in my hand, weighing my options. My pulse pounded wildly while I realized I’d never be free from Brandon. I’d never be free from what he did to me, the pain and the constant fear. Nothing helped. Not Cade, not the alcohol, or the pills. Nothing could make this right again, except one thing.

  I glanced at the bottle, eyeing how much vodka I had left. It was enough to wash the handful of Xanax I had left down.

  Glancing at my phone, I was shocked to realize I’d been out here for a few hours. I assumed the concert was over and Hendrix and the group would be searching for me. I’d probably screwed up Pierce’s night off, too. If I was going to end this miserable excuse of a life I had, I needed to do it before they found me.

  I placed the vodka bottle between my legs and twisted the Xanax lid off. There should be enough to do the trick and end it all. Dumping them into my hand, I stared at them through a blurry, tear-filled haze. The vodka had done its job, but now it was time for me to do mine. I inhaled sharply and mentally told everyone I loved goodbye.

  “Mac?”

  Startled, my hand bounced, and the pills spilled onto the grass. Dammit!

  “Mac,” a gentle voice came from behind me again.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping he’d keep going, but he didn’t.

  “Mac,” Cade said, kneeling down next to me.

  “What?” I whispered. “Please, leave me alone.”

  “I can’t. You scared the hell out of us. We’ve been searching everywhere for you. It finally occurred to me I’d pointed this place out earlier to you.”

  I turned away from him. There was no way I wanted him or anyone else to see me this fucked up.

  The grass rustled as Cade settled in next to me, his shoulder touching mine.

  “Holy fuck." Cade grabbed the now empty pill bottle from my hand, his eyes wide with fear. "Did you take them all?" He was breathless, his voice panicked.

  "No," I muttered, pointing to the ground where I'd dropped them when he startled me.

  He blew out a heavy sigh, leaned over and removed the vodka bottle from between my legs, then stared at me.

  “I didn’t know,” he muttered. “I didn’t realize you were struggling so much. But babe, listen, ending your life isn’t the answer,” he said, choking out the last words. “Come here.”

  Before I knew it, Cade had pulled me into his lap. His muscular arms wrapped around me like a safe cocoon. He wasn’t going to let me go. Laying my head on his chest, the tears returned, and he rocked me while I cried.

  “I can’t do it anymore, Cade. I’m not as strong as Gemma. Day after day I fight to get up and show everyone I’m alright, but I’m not and now … now the video is out, and everyone saw it. The horror on your faces when you all looked at me,” I hiccupped. “Do you know what Brandon said after he forced himself in my mouth and came all over my face? He said I wasn’t even worth fucking.”

  Cade’s chest heaved, and he tightened his hold around me.

  “He’s a bastard, Mac. He lies, he torments, and he’s evil. You can’t believe anything he said to you, because all he wanted was to hurt and break yo
u down.”

  “But he did.” The tears rushed down my cheeks even faster, and I fisted Cade’s shirt, clinging to him.

  “I’m here. Please promise me you won’t give up. Please, I just got you,” he whispered into my hair. “I don’t want to lose you again. First it was Asher, then Jeremiah. Promise me, Mac. Talk to me on the really rough days, but don’t let Brandon win. Don’t let him take you away from everyone who loves you. Don’t let him steal your dreams and future.”

  I sat silently, listening to the soothing yet pleading words flowing from Cade’s heart.

  “I can’t put my happiness on your shoulders, it’s not right,” I mumbled.

  “You’re not. I’m simply holding your hand until the darkness passes, and I promise you it will.”

  I tilted my chin up to him. The alcohol had definitely hit me hard on top of the sudden and intense emotions from Brandon’s video. For whatever reason, I never remembered a video camera, but I suspected he’d used his phone. Maybe I’d been so terrified I never realized he was recording my assault, or my brain shut it out.

  What I didn’t miss was the gentleness and support in Cade’s eyes. My heart stuttered back to life as I leaned up to kiss him.

  “I’ll try,” I said.

  He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead.

  “Do or do not. There is no try,” he said, imitating Yoda.

  I barked out a laugh and smacked him gently on the chest.

  “You need to tell your family, Mac. You need some additional support.”

  My stomach clenched with the thought. Franklin would make me come home right away if he knew I had been seconds away from swallowing a bunch of Xanax.

  “I can’t, Cade. I’ll never be allowed out of the house to see you if they know.”

  “We can keep this near attempt between us, but only if you promise me you’ll tell them how you’re feeling.”

  “I have a therapist, I’ll tell her.”

  Cade shook his head adamantly. “No, you need to tell your family … or I will.”

  I gawked at him. “You’d tell?” I asked, the pitch in my voice climbing.

  “Only if you don’t. They need to know, and you need their love and support. I can’t take this lightly. Your life is too important to me.”

  “Fine. I assume Franklin knows about the video by now anyway, so he’ll have everyone stick to me like a fly on a cow patty.”

  Cade laughed at my southern expression.

  “That’s Gemma’s fault for making me spend time in Louisiana.”

  A twinge of panic rushed through me, and I slapped my hands over my face. The mere thought of Franklin or even Hendrix seeing what Brandon had done to me nearly crushed me. How in the hell would I be able to look at them again? They’d literally seen me with Brandon’s dick shoved in my mouth.

  Cade’s phone buzzed, and he shifted me off his lap so he could remove it from his pocket.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  I could hear Hendrix on the other line.

  “I’ve got her. Yeah, she’s a mess, but she’s going to be alright.”

  His eyes searched me while the words left his mouth. He wanted an answer. I nodded.

  “Excellent. I’ll let her know, and we’ll meet you at the home base shortly. I’m not sure she will be up for talking much tonight, though. I’ll have to leave it up to her.”

  He paused. “Yup. See ya in a bit.”

  Cade ended the call and shoved the phone in his pocket.

  “Good news, Hendrix talked to Franklin, and he called in some favors. The video is down. I realize a lot of people saw it, and there’s nothing we can do. But no one else will be able to view it now. That part is over.”

  I nodded and wiped my tear stained cheeks.

  “Thanks,” I whispered, my voice cracking with emotion.

  “I know you don’t want to see anyone, but we should get you back,” he said, stroking my hair. “The minute everyone is asleep, you come on up to my bed.”

  “Okay,” I said, dread washing over me. Maybe I wouldn’t have to talk tonight, but tomorrow we’d be driving to the next city, and there would be plenty of time for conversation. Maybe it would be better to get it over with. I wouldn’t know until I saw everyone.

  Rising slowly, I stepped back and allowed Cade to stand as well. He slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me against him.

  “We’re going to get through this together,” he said. He leaned down and kissed me gently before he laced his fingers through mine and walked me back to the bus.

  Cade’s hand never left me as we walked up to the steps to where an anxious Hendrix, Gemma, John, and Pierce were waiting for us.

  Chapter 15

  “Mac,” Gemma said, running toward me and flinging her arms around me. “I was so worried about you. Are you alright?” she asked, releasing me and searching me for any telltale signs of what I was really feeling.

  “I’m fine.”

  Cade cleared his throat from behind me, reminding me of our agreement.

  I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment and opened them again.

  “No, I’m not fine.”

  Gemma took my hand and dragged me to the couch. Hendrix’s gaze followed us as he sat down in the recliner on the other side of the small room. John, Pierce, and Cade remained standing against the wall and bar. I glanced at Cade, and he nodded.

  My knee bounced while I attempted to form the right words. Saying it wasn’t easy, but it would be just as difficult for them to hear.

  “Hendrix,” I said, “I’ll tell you guys everything, but you can’t tell Franklin.”

  His forehead creased, and he clasped his hands together. “I can’t agree to anything yet, Mac.”

  I nodded. “Fine.” I leaned back against the couch and sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know what else was on the video, but everyone saw enough … You … you got a clear picture of what Brandon did to me. Ever since that night … It … I think he broke me,” I choked out my last words.

  Pain etched across my brother’s face, and Gemma linked her fingers through mine.

  “I have horrible nightmares if I can sleep at all, and I think I see him everywhere I go. I’m terrified he’ll show up and hurt us again.” Even though I couldn’t articulate it in front of John and Cade—Hendrix, Gemma, and Pierce knew it was more than Brandon. But John and Cade couldn’t find out about the society. I looked at Gemma and continued. “Unfortunately, instead of getting better, things have gotten worse. In order to sleep, I’ve been mixing Xanax and vodka, plus …” I groaned. “I have a stash of edibles.”

  Hendrix’s eyebrows knitted together but he didn’t say a word. He merely ran his hands over his hair and waited for me to continue. But I knew him well enough to know he’d have a lot to say to me soon enough.

  “Pierce actually confronted me while we’ve been on the road. He noticed a few times I was drinking during the day. I know you’re disappointed in me, but I can’t deal with it anymore.” I turned toward Gemma. “I don’t know how you did it. How did you get through the depression and the terror that they might find you again?”

  “Mac,” she said gently. “I wouldn’t have without Ada Lynn. She was with me every day.”

  Tears pricked the back of my eyes with the mention of her name. I’d forgotten that Ada Lynn was the only person my bestie had to turn to after her own trauma. At least I was fortunate enough to have everyone here. “I miss her,” I said quietly.

  “Me too,” Gemma replied. “This is what I can tell you. It will get better, but only if you talk to us. We love you so much. I know exactly what you’re going through, but we’re not the only ones. There are support groups for rape victims, your therapist, you can stay with Hendrix and me anytime you need us. I’m sure Franklin would be fine if you wanted to tour with us longer as well. I mean, you can take online classes. We can work it out. You’re not alone in this. Not by a long shot. Once you realize it and let us in, that’s when you start the hea
ling process.”

  “She’s right,” Hendrix agreed. “But for now, as we’re working through everything, no more drinking or pills. If you want to stay with us, that’s the deal.”

  “No drinking at all?” I complained. “Hendrix, alcohol isn’t the problem, it’s the pills with the it.”

  Hendrix stood and stared at me. “Mac, I’m only going to say this once. First, your behavior is dumb as shit for transporting edibles over the state line. It’s a federal offense. Do you realize the situation you put us all in?”

  “Oh my God. I’m sorry. It never crossed my mind, Hendrix. I’m so used to living in a state where it’s legal. Please, you’ve gotta believe me. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you or the band on purpose.”

  Hendrix’s shoulders relaxed a little. “Now you know. Don’t ever do it again. I want you to hand it all over—pills, edibles, everything. And as an extra measure, I'm going to search your stuff. Since you’re prescribed Adderall, I’ll give you the daily dose and watch you take it. I think you should give it a chance. It might really help, Mac. As far as the alcohol, you can drink as long as we’re all together.”

  Fuck. I’d just been grounded by my brother. My leg bounced up and down as I realized my Xanax days were over. Not only had they spilled all over the ground in the dark, but I was out of refills. Even if I wanted more, my therapist had been clear she wouldn't refill the prescription early. But for the first time since I’d started popping the pills, I wanted to stop. I’d almost ended my life, and it’s not what I wanted. I was just desperate to make the pain and fear go away.

  “I’ll take care of it in a few minutes, Mac. I need to speak with Cade first.” Hendrix turned to Cade, his jaw tensing and their gaze deadlocking.

  Crap, he must have seen us holding hands. In our defense, it’d been a fucked-up night, and Cade had been supportive. But from the anger on Hendrix’s face, he realized there was more going on.

  “Outside,” Hendrix said gruffly.

  Cade didn’t argue as he opened the door and walked down the steps. Hendrix followed, paused, and whispered something to Pierce. I swallowed down my fear while I watched Hendrix disappear. Pierce stood in front of the door, blocking anyone from joining the guys outside.