The Howl (By Kiss and Claw Book 1)

by Melissa Haag

  Piepen looked over at me. I could see the longing in his gaze and wanted to hide. When he turned back to Fenris, he looked determined.

  “For Eliana, I’ll do it. She’s a goddess.”

  “Remember, you have to let a woman come to you, not the other way around. It won’t be easy. It’ll take a lot of time and a lot of patience.”

  “I understand.” Piepen held out his tiny hand to Fenris. “Thank you for your advice.”

  Fenris shook his tiny hand then headed for the car, a slight smile tugging at his lips. When he got in, he rolled up his window and winked at me.

  As I started the car, I glanced at Piepen, who was watching me. The little guy nodded in my direction then flew away.

  “Did you just encourage him to keep harassing me?” I asked.

  “He thinks that’s what I did,” Fenris said. “But what I really just convinced him to do is find another girl. He’ll be married with a baby on the way before he figures out what happened.”

  I should have felt bad for Piepen, but my relief was too consuming.

  “Thank you,” I said. “For your help with Piepen and the druids. Do you want me to drop you off at your cabin?”

  “Nah, the Roost is fine. I’ve been avoiding the girls too much, and they’re complaining to my dad.”

  “You mean hugging me today won’t be enough to keep him happy?”

  “Hugging doesn’t cut it in my world,” he said.

  “Right. The mate run.”

  “Yep.”

  He started tapping his leg, an indication we’d touched on an uncomfortable subject. I didn’t know what else to talk about, though, so the rest of the ride passed in an awkward silence. When I pulled in front of the Roost, he immediately got out but then leaned down to look at me.

  “Thanks for the ride and the distraction. See you tomorrow.”

  “Yep. Tomorrow.”

  He closed the door and walked into the Roost without a single comment or backward glance.

  Worried, I sat there for a moment before starting home. Fenris didn’t do silence, and he never forgot to flash his flirting smile and try to talk me into joining his herd at the Roost. Was his delayed mate run really bothering him that much? I felt bad for him and wished there was something I could do. Sighing, I added it to my list of things to try to fix.

  Mom was waiting for me in the kitchen when I walked through the door.

  “I was just about to call you,” she said, standing.

  “Did they find Ashlyn?”

  “Not that I’ve heard. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

  My steps slowed as I noted her glittery, floor-length dress and short white fur coat.

  “Are you going out?” I asked.

  “Since we’ve rid ourselves of the useless pretext of partaking in human meals, I thought we’d go to the Roost. Back in my day, it was called the Fledgling. Dumb name. No one wanted to go there. Mrs. Quill said it’s changed drastically since then and that everyone your age spends their spare time there. I’m eager to see that for myself.”

  “It’s a teens-only place,” I said. “Except for the staff.”

  “Don’t you worry about that,” she said with a wave. “I already cleared it with Adira and swore I wouldn’t feed while out of the house. This is just for a look so I can see where Adira has you spending your time.”

  That she and Adira both were okay with this meant they were up to something. What, though? Probably to get me to feed. Everything revolved around that with them.

  Mom watched me expectantly, and I smiled, already knowing this plan of theirs would backfire spectacularly.

  “You know what? Sure. Let’s go to the Roost so you can see the wild nightlife of the young and imprisoned. You’ll love it.”

  I turned around and went to my car, opening the door for Mom.

  She smiled and patted my cheek before getting in. I hurried to join her and got her talking about New York and all her amazing parties during the short drive. Her amazingly high-end parties.

  “Here we are,” I said, parking on the sidewalk almost a block away.

  Mom leaned forward to look up at the neon sign in the distance.

  “The sign’s a little tacky, I know, but it gets better inside,” I said.

  She didn’t say a word as she got out and followed me down the sidewalk.

  “It’s usually not this packed,” I said. “Most of the time I can park by the door. There must be a decent crowd tonight.”

  When I parked by the door, it was because I normally arrived early enough to avoid the late crowd. I’d probably go to hell for the way I was bending the truth, but at the moment, I didn’t care.

  Music floated on the air and became blaringly loud once I opened the doors. Two sirens were on the stage already, singing for a crowd of maybe twenty, which included Fenris and his girls. None of the humans were here yet, so I headed for the back booth and slid in.

  “Don’t lean back against the seat,” I said. “It might be a little grimy. They don’t clean very well in here.”

  Despite her best efforts to hide it, Mom’s horror was showing as her gaze swept the space.

  “And if you have to go to the bathroom, check the bowl before you hover. I’ve had as much as I can stand with brownies,” I said as if the two topics were related.

  The horror in her eyes grew.

  “Do you want something to drink?” I asked. “I can run upstairs to get it.”

  “Upstairs?”

  “Yeah, you didn’t see it when we came in? There’s a staircase over there that leads up to the loft and the bar. There’s not a lot of sitting room, but it’s a great place to watch the dancers.”

  Her gaze drifted to the dance floor again.

  “This is a crowd?”

  I frowned, doing my best impersonation of confusion.

  “Don’t you like it?” I asked.

  She made a sound of disgust. “It’s no wonder you’re starving. There’s nothing here. This is no feeding ground for a creature of your distinction.”

  She got out of the booth and motioned for me to join her.

  “That woman is a menace,” she said. “This place is a complete waste of your time.”

  She started for the door, and I got up to follow her, more than a little satisfied I’d won this round.

  A tingle of awareness raced over my neck before I reached the door, and I turned to see Fenris watching me.

  With a smile, I waved and pushed the door open only to walk into the last person I wanted to face.

  Eras.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I jerked away from him even as his hands closed around my arms.

  “No need to be testy,” he said, maintaining his grip. “Is that your mom?”

  I followed his gaze and saw Mom pacing toward the car. She had her phone to her ear and looked like she was arguing with someone. Probably Adira.

  Eras gave me a little shake.

  “When did she get into town? It wouldn’t have been last week, would it? Say Thursday?” His grip hardened, bruising my skin, as he pulled me closer. “Did your bitch mom steal my food, Eliana?”

  I laughed, a low sound that didn’t seem to belong to me.

  “Forget your lost meal, Eras. It’s only the first of many in your pathetic lifetime.”

  His gaze went vacant, and his grip loosened. Jerking my arms free, I turned my back on him and headed for my mom.

  “We’ve seen the results of your way. Now we try mine.”

  Mom’s words made my stomach drop because I had no doubt she was talking about me. She dropped the phone in her purse and watched my approach with a wide smile. My dread climbed higher.

  “Good news,” she said. “I’m already working on finding you a proper place to learn to feed.”

  “A what?”

  “Don’t worry. Not here. I know how you feel about feeding where you live, so I spoke to Adira about an outing.”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  �
��It’s not about where I feed. It’s about who I feed on. I’m not feeding on some stranger.”

  “That’s the whole point of going to the city for a while. You’ll cultivate a circle and be able to make your own choices.”

  I opened my mouth to reiterate my refusal.

  “Enough, Eliana. You’re going. You need to see how it’s really done.”

  The fold in my sheet blocked the morning light from my eyes. I stared at the material, watching it move as I breathed without really seeing it. The remnants of dreams filled with cakes and forest couldn’t dispel the feeling of complete destruction from last night’s announcement and the determination in Mom’s gaze.

  It was going to happen. Exactly what I’d told her I didn’t want to happen. She was going to take me somewhere that would shred my control. And, unable to resist, I would feed and turn into exactly what I hated. I could already visualize the number of people who would be lying limp on the floor at my feet.

  Something inside of me had cracked last night when I’d realized that. Cracked in a bad way.

  With everything that had happened in my life of hardships, I’d always had an ability to rise above and make the best of whatever I was handed. But that thing inside me wasn’t right anymore. It was too broken this time. I was too broken. My mind still knew what I needed to do. Get out of bed. Shower. Go to school. I just had no will to carry through with any of it.

  The door to my room opened. The whisper of footsteps and the soft rustle of material gave away who it was. Mom.

  Her movement stopped, and I listened to the rasp of a window sliding closed before the mattress dipped and her hand smoothed back my hair.

  “Morning, baby. Did you decide not to go to school today? It’s past seven.”

  “There’s no point to school,” I said, impassively.

  “I agree completely.” She patted my shoulder. “You go ahead and rest. Tonight’s going to be a big night for you.”

  She kissed my cheek then left the room.

  How could I hate and love someone so much at the same time?

  I lifted myself out of bed and threw some clothes on. Warm pants. A sweater. Then, I grabbed my overnight bag and packed an extra set of clothes. After using the bathroom, I left.

  Mom didn’t come out of her room. Based on the music, she was already having breakfast.

  Mrs. Quill looked up from her coffee in the dining room as I proceeded to the kitchen.

  “Are you going somewhere, Eliana?” she called, noting the bag.

  I didn’t answer.

  The car was cold, and I shivered for the first few minutes as I drove out of town, trying to remember the turns. It took me a few tries to find the road that led to the hot springs cave. However, the drive out there didn’t take nearly as long as wandering through the trees, looking for the crystalized snow. My feet were completely numb by the time I found the clearing. I stripped my outer layers of clothing and stuffed them in the bag.

  Barefoot, I made my way inside the caves, sliding my hand against the cold, damp walls. The warm air enveloped me, but it didn’t dispel the bone-deep chill from the walk. My teeth chattered, and my feet ached as I made my way deeper into the darkness.

  Letting my memory guide me, I ignored the first pool and kept going until I found the pool Fenris and I had used previously. It took time to find the torch and even more to figure out how to light it. When the flames finally did light the space, I looked around at the oasis with a numb sort of detachment.

  How could this nothingness inside of me still hurt so much?

  Leaving my bag, I stripped from my shirt, ignoring the soft glow from the line on my stomach, and slid into the waiting pool.

  The hot water soothed me, stripping away my emotional numbness to let the tears flow. It wasn’t a pity party. It was a farewell to the remaining innocence I’d clung to far longer than most. That shred of virtue wasn’t in the form of my virginity, though that added to it. It was my inexperience. The things I’d managed not to do so far. The things Mom would ensure I did tonight. Things that would save me in her mind but damn me in mine.

  I didn’t know how to come to terms with that, which is why I came to the hot springs. To see if there was some way to find peace with all of it. So I let the waters drain me of tears and whatever other emotions bubbled up. When I grew too warm, I left the pool and lay on the rocks.

  That’s how he found me.

  I couldn’t be sure how I knew he was there, standing in the shadows of the tunnels, but I turned my head and found him watching me. His sad brown gaze held mine.

  “You worried me,” he said, stepping forward and squatting down beside me.

  I reached out and touched the jeans covering his knee. He didn’t wear anything else, and I knew what that meant. He’d run here in his fur and put on the only clothes he had because he knew what I wanted. What I feared. And he respected it. And me. Why couldn’t all the people in my life be as considerate as Fenris?

  “Sorry I worried you,” I said, letting my hand fall. “I just needed to get away.”

  “Your mom and Mrs. Quill called my dad to find you. They think you’re trying to run off.”

  I snorted.

  “Without my mark, I’m trapped in Uttira. Where do they think I could go?”

  He shrugged.

  “They lost Ashlyn, so I think they’re afraid you found a way.”

  I thought of Ashlyn with a pang of regret and a pinch of hopelessness. The druids hadn’t contacted me. Fenris’s father obviously hadn’t found anything, or Mom and Mrs. Quill wouldn’t be so worried. Ashlyn’s disappearance was another piece of my life where I had no control, and I hated that.

  “I wish I could vanish like Ashlyn.”

  Fenris brushed some wet hair back from my face then scooped me into his arms, settling me comfortably on his lap. My hunger stirred, but I ignored it and leaned against his chest, accepting the embrace.

  “They’re making it really hard to not give up,” I admitted. “I keep trying to come up with a silver lining, but I think I’m out. Instead of focusing on finding Ashlyn, Mom and Adira are plotting my début trip to New York.”

  “Haven’t you been there already?”

  “Not to feed.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. Oh.” I sighed and lifted my hand, setting it on Fenris’s chest, right over his heart. I could feel the steady pulse under my palm. What would it take to make his heart beat for me? With Fenris’s resistance, it would probably be impossible. But with humans…

  “I’ll steal them all. The heart of every man and woman I come near. I’ll feed. I’ll be powerful. And I’ll hate myself.”

  “Why?” he asked. “You are what you are. You’re not bad. You can’t choose how you eat.”

  “Can’t I? I was doing fine before Mom got here. I know Adira didn’t think so, but I was feeding and okay with it. Well, not okay with it, but I was managing. I just want Mom to go back to New York and things to go back to the way they were. But Mom and Adira both have it in their heads that I was dying. Starving.” I lifted my head to look at him. “Do I look starving to you?”

  Fenris’s gaze held mine for a long, silent moment.

  “You’ve never looked starving, but I don’t see you with just my eyes, Eliana.”

  I stared at him for a moment as his words sunk in.

  “What are you saying? That I am sick?”

  He pulled me against his chest again and held me close, rubbing his hand up and down my arm like he was trying to give me all the comfort in the world. However, instead of feeling comforted, I was feeling terrified. I knew his answer before he spoke it.

  “Yeah,” he said. “You are sick. But I think you’re getting better. And, without their help.”

  I thought of the reflections I’d glimpsed of myself in the mirror. Although the last version of me had still looked unwell, she’d appeared a little better. Barely. Was that the real me? The succubus me?

  “You’re stronger than they give
you credit for,” he added.

  I pulled out of his arms and sat beside him, needing space to think. Or, rather, to try to comprehend this new view of my life. Was I really starving? And if so, why did my reflection seem better when I was eating less? I hadn’t fed since stealing Eras’s meal, and that was almost a week ago.

  “If you thought I was sick, why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You weren’t ready to hear it.”

  “I doubt anyone is ready to hear there’s something wrong with them.” I struggled not to be angry with him as my thoughts collided. How many times had I fought against Adira’s insistence that I feed? Would I have taken her insistence more seriously if I’d known? Would I have done something differently? I doubted it. I didn’t feel sick. Not then and not now.

  “Why do I look fine if I’m starving?” I asked.

  He shrugged slightly.

  “That might be something to ask your mom when you go back.”

  I leaned my head against the stone wall and watched the steam move in the torchlight. He didn’t say if I go back, but when, because we both knew there was nowhere else for me. Like I’d pointed out, I was trapped.

  “What am I supposed to do?” I asked, more to myself than Fenris.

  “If you don’t want to go to New York, don’t.”

  I snorted.

  “Right. That’ll fly.”

  “Have you told your mom what you told me? That you’ll hate yourself once you feed like she does?”

  I thought back to all of the conversations I’d had with my mom. While I’d strongly hinted at it, I didn’t think I’d ever come out and said it as bluntly as I had with Fenris.

  “I’m not sure,” I admitted.

  “Then don’t wait for my dad to find you and drag you home. Face her on your own terms, and tell her what you really feel.”

  I turned my head to look at him.

  “The fallout is going to be catastrophic,” I said. “She’ll take what I’m saying to mean that I would rather die than be like her.”

  “Isn’t that what you’re doing?” he asked softly. “Slowly dying because you’re trying not to be like her? Maybe if she knows the problem, she can help find a solution. Talk to her. See if there’s another way to feed.”