by Vivi Holt
Todd chuckled. “Wow. Well, it’s a shame how it ended, because we all really loved her. She was perfect for you, you know?”
Chris sighed and ran a hand over his eyes. “I know. I blew it.”
“You could fix it.”
“No way. She’d never talk to me after the way I acted. I don’t know what came over me. It’s like I was outside of my body watching myself behave like a complete fool. I don’t know, those photos just triggered something in me I hadn’t thought about for a long time. It was…I guess it was eye-opening. And not in a good way.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, remembering that I used to be happy. That life was good. And that I’ve let go of everything that made it worth living…lost it all. I don’t know—I’ve really messed up. Here I was, thinking I had it all together. I have a successful business, people look up to me. But all the things that used to make me smile—they’re all gone.”
Todd sighed. “I’m sorry, man. But you know, she didn’t show you those photos to make you feel bad. She wanted you to remember so that you could find your way back to that place. Be happy again.”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Of course it is. You needed to remember the things that brought you joy, so you could bring them back into your life.”
“But Mia is gone!” he shouted, his voice thickening with grief.
Todd replied softly, “I know she is. And you have to let her go. But what I mean is having someone to love—that’s what made you happy. And you can have that again. And us, your family, and riding horses, and the ranch…I don’t know. You have to figure out what it is that brings you joy, but whatever it is, you should get back to that place.”
Chris inhaled sharply and strode to one end of the stables. Then he spun on his heel and headed back in the other direction, his thoughts churning. “I wish I could do that.”
“You can!”
Chris stopped and sighed. “She won’t talk to me.”
“Have you tried calling her?”
He winced. “No.”
“Then how do you know? She was good for you, brought you out of your sadness. That’s something. You should hold onto her, fight for her. Don’t just walk away.”
Chris’s eyes narrowed. “You’re right. She is good for me. And I don’t know if she’ll ever talk to me again, but I at least owe her an apology.”
“Yes, you do.” He could hear Todd’s smile through the phone. “And I think you should go and give her that apology right now, before you chicken out.”
“I’m not a chicken.”
“Never said you were.”
“I mean, I take down entire companies. I face off with CEOs, I manage thousands of staff members every day. I’m not a chicken.”
“Well…you have avoided calling the woman you love in case she won’t talk to you.”
He sighed. “You’re right. I’m a complete chicken.”
Todd laughed. “So, do it now.”
Chris hung up the phone and jogged toward the house. Maybe she wouldn’t see him or speak to him. But he had to try. The last few weeks without her had been miserable, and he had no desire to keep living that way if there was anything at all he could do about it. He needed her, and as a smile crept across his face, he knew with certainty that he loved her.
Kate rubbed her face and yawned. The light turned green, and she accelerated forward. A glance at the steering wheel showed blue smudges on the brown, faux leather cover. Blue paint. She studied her reflection in the rear vision mirror and saw a streak on one cheek as well. She sighed and checked for oncoming traffic before merging onto a busy road.
She’d just finished her second art class for the semester at the local college and was exhausted. She hadn’t taught the previous semester and had forgotten just how tiring it was to stand in front of a classroom full of young adults who’d spent the previous night either up late on the internet, playing video games, or out partying with friends.
They’d slump in their chairs, staring through her as though she wasn’t there, and generally refusing to participate in any class discussions unless she prodded them long enough. Then they’d inhale slowly, sit up a little straighter, and give her a half-hearted answer.
The only part of the class they enjoyed was the practical application. When they were able to leave their seats and head to the studio in the back of the room where easels stood waiting with canvases ready to tell the stories of their hearts.
She couldn’t blame them. It was the part she enjoyed most as well. Still, it felt like pulling teeth to teach them the things they’d need to know for the exam later in the semester.
She sighed and tightened her grip on the steering wheel as the traffic around her ground to a halt. Traffic jams were part of the Atlanta lifestyle, and she was used to them. She’d grown up with it. But today she wasn’t in the mood.
“Come on, keep moving!” she yelled to no one in particular.
Why was she so irritable?
It was Chris. She’d been thinking about him again. Mulling over in her mind their encounter in Montana, right before they flew back home together in silence. What had prompted his outburst? Had she really stepped so far over the line by putting the photographs together that way? She hadn’t meant to cause him any pain, but from the way he’d reacted, you’d think she’d done something malicious.
The plane ride back home had been almost as painful. He didn’t say a word to her, other than the niceties required to get them on the plane and in the air. And even then, he’d been brusque, mumbling a please or thank you and then snapping his lips shut once again.
Her stomach turned over, and she shook her head. She had to stop thinking about it, thinking about him. It wasn’t doing her any good. She’d barely eaten in three weeks, her stomach was so out of sorts.
The Impala made a funny clinking sound. She frowned. What was that? It did it again and lurched forward then conked out completely. Her eyes widened in horror. She was stuck in traffic. The cars in front of her and behind her were at a standstill, and now her car had died.
She studied the dash and noticed the reading on the engine temperature gauge was in the red. She slapped a hand to her forehead. Ever since she got back from Montana, she’d been procrastinating on getting her car fixed. She’d planned on taking it into the shop in a few days’ time. She sighed and turned the key. The engine growled and hummed but wouldn’t start.
What now? She turned the steering wheel toward the side of the road.
“Stay,” she commanded.
Her heart thudded against her ribcage, and she glanced back and forth. The cars in front of her had begun to creep forward, but she was stuck. Pretty soon there’d be honking and probably some expletives heading her way. She climbed out of the driver’s side door and waved apologetically to the vehicles lined up behind her. Thankfully she wasn’t on a highway or expressway, but it was still a main road. There wasn’t anything she could do but try to push her car onto the shoulder of the road.
She slammed the door shut and scurried to the back of the car. As she bent over to push, someone joined her. The man from the car behind her smiled at her, his hands on the trunk.
“Need some help?”
She exhaled. “Yes please. That would be so great. I’m sorry about this.”
“No problem.”
Between the two of them, they managed to push, steer, and guide the car onto the verge. She waved him goodbye then stood behind the vehicle with her cell phone in hand.
The sensible thing to do would be to call Triple A. But she didn’t have a membership. She’d have to find a tow truck somehow instead. She called several, and none could be there earlier than three hours’ time.
With a groan of frustration, she shoved her cell phone into her jeans pocket. Then she retrieved her pocketbook from the front seat. It wasn’t far to the apartment. She’d just have to walk the rest of the way and let the tow truck come later to pick up her car.
By the time she got home, she rushed up the stairs to her apartment, through the door, and straight for the bathroom. She didn’t throw up, though she’d felt as though she might. Still, she sat on the tiled floor a while to make sure.
It was always that way with her. Whenever she was anxious or upset about something, it always showed up in her digestion. Perhaps she should eat something.
She pushed herself up from the floor and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Then, she noticed the green and red paint on the back of her hand and grimaced. A quick look in the mirror revealed green and red splashed across her mouth and even on her teeth, joining with the blue on her cheek. She wiped it from her teeth and was about to use a washcloth on her face when the doorbell rang.
She grunted, flinging the washcloth at the bathtub.
It must be Shanice home from work. She’d said she would be home early and the two of them could go out to eat together. She’d been worried about Kate and had tried to cheer her up since her return from Chicago. Maybe she’d forgotten her keys or dropped them under her car seat. She’d done it before, more than once.
Kate strode to the door and flung it open. “Hey, you’re home…great…” Her eyes widened.
“Hi, Kate,” said Chris with a nervous smile. “How are you?”
Chapter 21
Chris paced across the tiny living room, glanced at Kate’s green-and-red-streaked face, then paced back again. She sat calmly on the side of an armchair, watching him.
“Have you been painting?” he asked.
She nodded, her eyes narrowed. “What are you doing here?”
He inhaled sharply. She wasn’t happy to see him. He’d expected that but hoped that maybe she’d gotten over what happened. No such luck.
“I came to talk to you.”
“Okay, so talk.”
He stopped pacing and stood in front of her. Paint in various colors streaked across her white t-shirt and ripped, faded blue jeans. Her sneakers were covered in all the colors of the rainbow, and she smelled vaguely of linseed oil.
He inhaled slowly. “I wanted to apologize.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m listening.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did to the photographs. It was ridiculous, I know. I behaved like a kid. Worse than a kid.” He rubbed a hand over his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Thank you.”
He knelt in front of her and took her hands in his. “Do you forgive me?”
She nodded. “Sure. Don’t worry about it. It’s all in the past.”
Her eyes snapped when she spoke, and her voice had an edge of irritation in it. She didn’t forgive him. She wouldn’t give him another chance. He’d ruined any chance he had with her.
He sighed and rubbed a gentle circle in the palm of one hand with his thumb. “The thing is, you reminded me of something I didn’t want to face.”
“And what was that?”
“That I was happy once. Not just once, for most of my life actually. I was a really happy kid, and when I met Mia, we had the best time together. I smiled a lot. And those images showed that. They reminded me of how my life used to be and who I’ve become in recent years. And it wasn’t pretty.”
“I know. That’s what I wanted you to see. But I thought it’d give you hope, not make you angry.” She withdrew her hands from his grasp and stood to her feet.
“I don’t know why I reacted that way. But it was something to do with me not wanting to face the fact that I could be happy again if I chose to be. I didn’t want to see that, because I felt as though it would be a betrayal. That I’d be betraying Mia.”
Her brow furrowed, and she walked away, headed for the cramped kitchen. She reached for the kettle and began to fill it with water then set it to boil. He followed her and sat on a barstool by the counter.
“Tea?” she asked.
He nodded. “That’d be great. Thanks.” His brow furrowed. “So, listen, Kate—”
“Why would it be a betrayal to your deceased wife for you to be happy again?” she asked suddenly.
He ran a hand over his face. “Because her death was my fault.”
She winced. “What? No it wasn’t. It was an accident.”
His heart squeezed. “It was an accident, but if it hadn’t been for me, she’d be alive. I let her go out on a horse she had no business riding. She wasn’t experienced. She didn’t know how to control the animal, and her death was my fault.” He slammed one palm against the counter, rattling the china stacked neatly at one end.
Kate frowned. “That’s flawed logic.”
His eyebrows arched high in surprise. “What?”
“It’s flawed logic to say that even though something was an accident, it wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t exist or if you weren’t in her life. You don’t know that. There’s no way of knowing what would’ve or could’ve happened if things were different. They weren’t different, and it was an accident.”
“No one’s ever put it like that before.”
“I studied philosophy in college.” She shrugged.
The kettle came to a boil, and she poured the water over teabags in two large colorful mugs. She handed one to Chris, and he took it, his thoughts swirling around an image of a smiling Mia.
Had he been wrong all along? Was he punishing himself for something he should’ve let go of long ago?
“But…”
“Look, Chris, if you ever want to get your life back and have some kind of peace, you’re going to have to accept the fact that this world isn’t perfect, and you can’t control everything that happens. Sometimes bad things happen. It’s not your fault, your responsibility, or a punishment for you. Just the same way that the good things that happen in life are generally nothing to do with you either. You can’t control the world. You can only control yourself.”
He sighed and combed fingers through his hair. “You’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
He took a sip of tea, and they both sat in silence a moment. Then, he stood, walked around the counter, and took her hands again. She tried to pull away, but he raised one to his lips and kissed the back of it.
“What are you…?”
“Give me another chance. Please?” He studied her face and saw pain behind her brown eyes.
“Chris, I can’t. You really hurt me. I cared about you, and you embarrassed me in front of your whole family. I let them into my heart, I let you in too, and then you were all ripped out again, just like that!”
Her voice rose in pitch as she spoke, and her lower lip trembled. His heart fell at her words. He hadn’t realized just how much pain his actions had brought her.
“You made them believe I was some kind of escort that you didn’t care one little bit about.”
He shook his head, stepping closer to her. “I’m sorry. I already spoke to Todd, and I’ll explain everything to the rest of them. I promise.”
Her eyes squeezed shut. “It’s too late. I don’t believe you. I don’t know where I stand with you. One minute you’re kissing me, the next you’re pushing me away…I can’t live like that.”
His throat closed over, and he swallowed around a lump. “That was then. Things are different now.”
“How are they different?” She blinked, and a tear curved its way down her face.
He reached up a hand to brush it away then cupped her cheek with his hand. “Because I didn’t know how I felt about you then. I knew I was attracted to you, but I was fighting against anything more. I didn’t think I deserved you, deserved to be happy. But now I know, you’ve helped me to see, that I can be happy again. And because I love you.”
Her eyes widened. “You do?”
“Yes, I love you. I didn’t let myself believe it at firs
t. But I don’t care about holding onto the past anymore, because you’re not in my past. You’re my future. And I don’t want to be anywhere that you’re not.”
Her eyes gleamed, and two more tears overflowed down her cheeks. “I love you too,” she said simply.
His lips pulled into a wide smile, and his heart leapt within his chest. With both hands, he took hold of her face and stroked her cheeks with his fingertips. He traced the outline of her jaw and gently pushed her hair behind her ears. Then he leaned forward, pulled her to him, and kissed her.
Chapter 22
March 7th
Kate twirled about, scanning the crowd. Then she wiped both hands down the front of her canary yellow silk dress. She couldn’t believe the turnout. The entire gallery was full, buzzing with people. They meandered between her paintings, pointing at this one, discussing that. It was everything she’d dreamed it might be and hoped it would.
“I just heard someone say that every single piece has been sold,” whispered Chris into her ear.
She grinned and spun to face him, weaving her hands around his neck. He kissed her softly on the lips and cupped both hands to her lower back. “Isn’t it wonderful?” She couldn’t stop smiling.
He laughed. “It is. And so are you, and you deserve this. You worked so hard; I’m really proud of you. The pieces are beautiful, and I knew they’d sell.”
Her cheeks flushed with warmth. The show had been more than she’d ever expected. People had flooded her with praise over the artwork she’d completed since January. Everyone who knew her said that the work was her most emotive yet.
“Thank you. You’ve been a big help.”
He chuckled. “Are you sure? I’m fairly certain I’ve done everything in my power to distract you.”
“That’s true. I take it back—you’ve been no help at all.”
He kissed her again, and the passion of their kiss made her whole body buzz. She gasped as he pulled away, his eyes full of hunger.
“Are you just about ready to go?” he asked.
