by Donna Alward
Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and she fought the urge to wipe them away.
Most of all she was angry with herself, for buying into it all so willingly.
He didn’t say anything until they were in the city. “Tori, wake up. We’re almost home.”
She’d never been asleep but she pretended to perk up, sitting up in the seat and stretching. Her neck was cramped from leaning at an angle on the car door, and her heart felt raw and empty. Now she was minutes away from the conversation she didn’t want to have. But she wouldn’t run with her tail between her legs as if she had done something wrong.
“Feeling any better?”
“A little,” she lied.
“The food was a little rich. Maybe it was just too much.”
She didn’t reply until they’d reached his building, gone up in the elevator and he was opening the door.
“It wasn’t the food that made me sick.” She peeled off the cape and put it on a chair in the foyer. She wouldn’t take it with her. It was too expensive. A symbol of everything that was wrong with their relationship. She’d take only the things she’d brought with her in the first place. They were good enough for home.
“What was it?” Concern etched the corners of his eyes and she wanted to scream at him to stop pretending he cared.
“I was upset.”
“I know it was a hard night—”
“I was upset at you.” She kicked off her heels. “I heard you talking to your mother. And just so you know, I’m booked on a flight back home tomorrow morning. Leaving from Newark.” It was the only direct flight she could manage, and she did not want to spend two hours in Toronto going through customs and sitting around waiting for another flight.
His face blanked, and a flush crept up his neck. “I don’t know what you think you heard...”
Her anger flared now, hot and bright. “Please, do me the courtesy of not lying to my face again. I’m not mistaken. I have excellent hearing.”
“My mother doesn’t bring out my best qualities.”
“Oh, you mean like finding out you’re a liar? That you did exactly what you promised you wouldn’t do?”
“I don’t understand. Why are you yelling at me?”
Because you don’t love me, she wanted to scream, but she could hardly do that. It sounded pitiful and she wasn’t going to beg.
“It’s okay that you’re not in love with me. And yeah, we haven’t known each other long, despite the fact that we’re having a baby together. But you used me, and you pretended to care, because you’d do anything to ensure you show your mother what a horrible parent she was. Even pretend to love me. And those are your words, not mine.”
His mouth fell open.
She waited.
“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” he said, his voice quiet and rough.
“Clearly. But I did hear it, and I’m glad. Because you manipulated me. Tell me, Jeremy, if you manipulate the mother of your child, are you going to manipulate the baby, too? Use him or her to work out all your own mommy and daddy issues?”
His cheeks reddened. “This is so easy for you to say, when you had two parents growing up who clearly loved and cared for you.”
Tori took a step forward. “You are a grown man. Do not blame your poor decision-making on your mother. You had the chance to act with integrity. This is on you, and not anyone else.” Tears burned in her eyes. “You used my emotions. But more than that, you’ve lost my respect. And that hurts almost as much as knowing you played me.”
His face twisted in pain, and he turned away for a moment. She saw his shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath. Then he turned back. She didn’t want to be moved by the look in his eyes. He looked tortured, but she steeled her spine. If he was, it was because he was dealing with the consequences of his actions.
“You’ve got it all wrong.”
“How do I have it wrong? I heard you. Clear as day.”
“I lied.”
Her traitorous heart kicked a little bit when he said it, but she quickly replaced the momentary elation with doubt. “You lied...to whom? To me? To your mother? How am I supposed to believe you?”
Jeremy ran his hand through his hair, a gesture she now knew he used when he was agitated. “To my mother. Do you seriously think that I would admit my feelings for you to her?”
“Why not? What would happen if you did? It’s not like you have a great relationship with her anyway.”
“I just... I keep my feelings locked away there. Anytime I tried to talk to her as a kid I was told to get over it or I got a laundry list of all the advantages I had and how I was ungrateful for complaining. It’s what I do, on instinct. So does Sarah. We all do.” He lowered his voice. “I don’t... I mean, it’s a vulnerability thing.”
She could understand that, but it didn’t excuse his behavior. “Again, Jeremy, you’re a grown man. You’re educated, successful. Powerful. And you can’t stand up to your mom? That says a lot to me.”
“I don’t want her to know how I feel. I don’t want her to see any weakness. My feelings for you—”
“What, make you weak?” Hardly a compliment. “When people care about each other, it’s supposed to make them more, not less. And somehow you’ve got it in your brain that weakness, vulnerability, is a bad thing. It’s not.”
“It’s never been a good thing,” he bit back. “For Pete’s sake, I don’t even think I know how to love anyone. This whole situation terrifies me.”
Everything was falling apart. Even if it was true that he’d lied to his mom, that he really did care about her, he considered that a chink in his armor.
She wanted to believe his feelings for her were real. But even if they were, tonight had cast serious doubts on their future. If he was incapable of loving, if he considered that a weakness, how could he possibly love their baby? For all his good intentions, she never wanted her child to feel rejected by its father. Or to have to beg for affection.
“Let me tell you about weakness,” she said quietly. “And vulnerability. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant, I knew I was vulnerable because of the power imbalance in our situations. I wouldn’t have the resources to fight you for custody of our child if you decided to take me to court. Then you showed up and I was forced to tell you the truth. I figured if we could be on good terms, we could work through something together. You reminded me of the man I met in the summer. You were kind. I started to care for you again. You asked me to come here, and I did. You asked me to uproot my life and I was willing to consider it, even though the job I love and my family and friends are all back in Nova Scotia. I trusted you. I believed in you. And I’m not afraid to say it, even though you are. I fell in love with you.”
“Tori—”
“No.” She held up a hand. “Just no. I fell in love with the person I thought Jeremy Fisher was. Tonight I discovered he is someone else. He did a great job of faking it, but I don’t know you. You wanted me to go tonight so I knew what I was getting into, and boy do I ever. So I’m going home. And after a while, we’ll discuss custody and visitation like rational adults, I hope. Financial situation or not, I will fight back if you choose to get lawyers involved. I hope it doesn’t come to that.”
His eyes dulled and he looked utterly bereft. She didn’t want to be affected by his forlorn look, but she was.
“Everything before tonight... It was true. I swear it.”
Her insides trembled. “I don’t know how to believe you. I don’t know which Jeremy is the real one. And that’s not something I’m willing to bet my life or my baby’s happiness on. I’m sorry, Jeremy.”
She moved past him and down the hall to her room, where she started to pack her bags. He came to stand in the doorway. “Please, Tori. I’m trying here.” He ran his hand through his hair. “My mom brings out the worst in me, and I’m so sorry. I shou
ld have been stronger. Should have been honest.”
She looked up at him. “The thing is, I think you were honest. I think your number one priority is to show your mother that you can be better than her. It’s not me, and it’s not love that’s driving that decision. I won’t uproot my whole life on that sort of gamble.”
For a moment, she thought she saw tears glimmer in his eyes, and her resolve wavered. Then he swallowed and said, “What time is your flight tomorrow?”
“Ten.”
“Get some sleep, then. I’ll get you to the airport in lots of time.”
She opened a drawer and took out some sweaters.
“Tori, I’m sorry. I handled everything badly. I know I messed this up. Wait, and let’s try to work through it.”
“I just need to go home,” she said, not looking at him.
She sensed when he left her doorway, and she braced her hands on her suitcase as her head drooped. Was she overreacting? His explanations made sense, but the fact remained that even if he’d lied to his mother, he hadn’t stood up for Tori. And even though he’d said he’d lied, he hadn’t said that he loved her, either. Even after she’d admitted her feelings first.
She texted her mom, asking if she could pick her up at the airport the next afternoon, then finished packing. She sat up the rest of the night, unable to sleep.
When six thirty rolled around, she ordered a taxi and quietly made her way out of his apartment and to the bottom floor. She couldn’t handle saying goodbye; her feelings were too raw. She didn’t want to sit through another ride to the airport, either. When the cab arrived, the driver put her suitcase and carry bag in the trunk and they were off to New Jersey.
She was going home. Alone.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
SHE WAS GONE.
Jeremy stared at the spare room with disbelief. She’d run. Granted, last night had been a disaster. But he would have taken her to the airport. He’d hoped that they’d get up this morning and be able to talk about what had happened without the high emotions of last night. Maybe even change her mind.
But she was gone.
He wandered to the main living area, his heart sore. The flower arrangement she’d bought was still on the dining table; the evergreen centerpiece in the living room, along with that silly little tree. A few dishes remained in the sink from where they’d had a cup of coffee yesterday afternoon before heading to Connecticut.
She was still here, whether he wanted her to be or not.
Jeremy wandered to the windows and looked out over the snowy city. She’d been right about pretty much everything. He should have stood up to his mother. Why not? It wasn’t as if they had a relationship to speak of anyway. But that house... Anytime he was inside he was back to being that little boy again. Protecting himself and his feelings against ridicule and neglect. Poor little rich boy.
He knew very well that rich people could be miserable, too.
It was eight o’clock now. She’d be boarding in an hour, heading back to Nova Scotia and the family and job she loved. After yesterday, he had no right to take her away from that. No matter how much he’d really wanted to try for the life they’d begun to plan.
And his baby... He sank onto the sofa and put his head in his hands. No matter what she thought of him, he wouldn’t put either of them through a legal battle. And there was no way he’d take the baby from her. She was going to be a damned good mother.
He wandered through the day aimlessly. Sarah called on her way back from Connecticut and he put her off. Cole texted and he didn’t reply. Right now he was licking his wounds.
If only she hadn’t heard him in Bruce’s office. He could have kept his mom at arm’s length and then gone on with his plans. And yet, deep down, he knew that was a coward’s reasoning.
He’d been fighting his feelings all week. He’d kept telling himself that he wasn’t capable of love. That it wasn’t on his agenda. That it wasn’t necessary for them to make this work.
But he’d been lying to himself. He did love her. Maybe he had from the beginning, when their connection had been so strong it had knocked him off his feet. When he’d looked for a reason to go back and see her again. Bringing her here to New York.
Making love.
It had been love, too. Not just sex. He just hadn’t wanted to admit it because it scared the hell out of him. Love was a weakness that could be exploited.
Except Tori would never do that. He knew that in his heart, and he’d lied to himself until it was too late and she had walked away.
And he could tell her all of that, but she was right. She didn’t know which version was true, and she couldn’t uproot her life for someone she didn’t trust.
She’d loved him. She’d said it. And he’d messed it up by denying what was right in front of his face.
He sat on the sofa until the light turned dark again.
* * *
Arrivals seemed to take forever. First, she was seated at the very back of the plane, which meant she was last to get off. Then there was the long walk to customs, and the line to get through. Then waiting for luggage. Finally she cleared the secure area and walked through the doors to see her mom waiting, a smile on her face.
Tori started to cry.
“Oh, honey!” Shelley came forward and gave her a big, reassuring hug while Tori’s hand clung to the handle of her suitcase. “Come on. Let’s get you to the car and you can tell me what happened.”
She had never been so glad to see someone in her whole life.
It took only a few minutes to reach the car in the parking garage and head out onto the highway that would take them first into Halifax, and then down to the South Shore. For the first few minutes, Shelley simply reached over and patted Tori’s hand, as if to say, It’s going to be okay. She kept quiet for ten minutes or so, and then simply said, “So what went wrong?”
Tori sighed. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Then let’s stop somewhere to eat. Neither of us has had lunch. Did you even have breakfast?”
She shrugged. “I had a yogurt at the airport.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t care.”
Shelley quieted again, and then turned off the highway and drove to a diner in Bedford. “Quieter here than Cora’s on a Sunday,” she said. “And breakfast all day. Come on.”
She wasn’t feeling very hungry, but she ordered a breakfast skillet anyway, to make her mom happy. And orange juice, because it was her favorite.
Once they’d placed their orders, Shelley looked at her with a “tell your mom about it” expression. “Okay. So you came back a few days early, looking like a whipped puppy. What happened?”
She told her mom everything. By the time she finished, their meals had been placed in front of them and Shelley had gotten a refill of her coffee.
“Baby girl,” she said, on a sigh. “You’re right. You deserve a man who will stand up for you, and for your family. Who will do the right thing.”
“I thought he was that man, you know? That’s what hurts so much.” She picked at a chunk of hash-browned potato in her skillet.
“You think he was pretending the whole time?”
Her fork kept moving the piece of potato around and around. “I did when I first heard what he said. And then... Oh, Mom. I don’t know. It’s hard to believe that it wasn’t real. The whole week was actually pretty magical. And when he heard the baby’s heartbeat...”
“You wonder how he could be such a good actor?”
“I...yeah. And I get mad at myself for wanting to believe him. But he never said he loves me. I keep coming back to that. And the fact that I don’t know if I could believe him even if he did say it.”
She sniffled. Put down her fork. “He had a rotten childhood. He never had a solid family unit like I had with you and Dad.”
�
��Does that excuse his behavior?”
She shook her head. “But it makes me understand it. I know he wants to be a good father, but what if he just doesn’t have the ability to let himself love someone? I thought I could go through with it. We were getting along so well. I could see our relationship growing so that someday maybe it would be...whole.”
“But...”
“But it would never be what you had with Dad. And I don’t want to settle for anything less.”
Shelley reached for her napkin and dabbed her eyes and her nose. “Well, I guess your dad and I did something right.”
“I miss him.”
“Me, too, honey. Every day.”
They picked at their food. Tori was hungry, and the more she ate, the better she felt. Even though she couldn’t finish the large portion, she’d needed the nutrition. So did the baby.
Shelley looked up at her. “You said before that you thought you could go through with it. Don’t hate me for asking, but is there a chance you’re using what happened as a way out?”
She wanted to say yes without hesitation, but she couldn’t.
“You hesitated, which means you’re thinking about it. I just think maybe Jeremy isn’t the villain he’s been made out to be. Yes, he made a mistake and you absolutely deserve better. You shouldn’t settle for less. But you need to be clear on your own motives too, sweetie. Picking up and moving countries to be with a man you care about but who might not love you in return is a big risk.”
The meal she’d just eaten churned in her stomach. “And he gave me a way out without me having to take any responsibility.” Ugh, had she really done that? Used his weakness to justify her own behavior, her own fears?
“I’m not saying you should have stayed. I think I’m saying this is a big mess, and the only way through it is for both of you to be completely honest with each other. You reacted and you left. But now there are a lot of feelings to sort through. I think you should take the time to do it.” Then Shelley smiled. “And you can spend Christmas with your mama while you’re sorting things out.”
