by Dawn Brazil
“What’s your deal? Why is it so hard to let me do this?”
“Let it go, Yosemite Sam. I’m fine.”
“You are so clearly not fine.” I stumble from the sofa. Another deep breath does nothing to calm me. “Let me help you, you imbecile. Why can’t I help you, too?” I’m shouting and I don’t want to be, or even mean to be, but I can’t stop myself. “You can’t always be the hero. Sometimes even the hero needs to be saved. I have to help you.”
“You sound like an inspirational poster.” He laughs and folds himself onto the loveseat. “I need to rest.”
“She has a point, Joe,” Ferris says, exiting the head. “You have to let people help you, too, sometimes.”
“Thank you, Ferris!” I yell.
“But yeah, it’s not that serious, Sam. If he doesn’t want the help, let it go. His cut must not be that bad. He can take care of it himself.”
“What the hell do you even know? You’re too scared to look at it. Ugh!” I shake my head. “You two are definitely brothers. Girls aren’t the only ones that need rescuing. Guys need to be rescued sometimes, too. Don’t be morons your entire lives.” I snatch my bag from the floor and march to the head. I grab the tacky gold knob of the hatch to slam it shut.
“Wait!” both Joe and Ferris yell. Joe yells, Ferris screams like a girl.
I blink over at them, then glance at the hatch at the entry. It’s closed, locked, and not falling off the hinges. No one is attacking us, so I have no idea why they’re shouting at me?
Chapter 41
“We’re worried about you,” Ferris states. He glances over at Joe like he wants him to say something, too. He doesn’t, though.
“You shouldn’t be.” I slam the hatch behind me.
I strip my clothes off and start the shower. Glancing at my face in the mirror, I note the heaviness under my eyes and ring of dark circles around them. VOLT is a tiring place. There’s no reason for me to be here still. Ryan is most likely gone, or will be in a couple of hours, if what that giant cat said is true. Lodged deep inside parts of me that refuse to be acknowledged anymore lays a truth I can barely hold fast to—I want to walk away from this crazy place, but I can’t. I don’t know what will be at the end.
I shut down the feelings before they consume the tiny bit of sanity I desperately cling to. Steam gathers around me from the shower, distorting my face. When I look in the mirror, I see her face, not mine. An ache rises inside me so torrential I brace against the side of the sink from the potential impact of this hurricane. I shake my head to free it from its current path.
Time was supposed to erase this pain. It hasn’t. All the clocks in my universe are broken.
I step into the steaming shower, reeling. My emotions are on a high-speed coaster and no matter how much I try to slow them, they won’t be tamed.
Something falls to the floor on the other side of the shower. The noise sounds close, but I continue my shower without an inspection. Guys are idiots. It’s no telling what they’re in there doing. The TV suddenly blares loudly, like it’s in the room with me, I know something isn’t right. What the Houston are they doing? I peek from behind the plastic shower curtain.
The bathroom hatch stands wide open.
“Close this damn hatch!” I yell. “Now!”
They don’t. Neither of them peek their head around to even look at me. I slam the shower curtain closed and wash as quick as I can. I snatch the towel from the ring, wrap it around myself, and storm out.
Ferris is on the bed and Joe is still on the sofa. I don’t give them a chance to speak. “Joe, you wimpy Momma’s boy.” Ferris laughs into his cupped hands. “You too, Ferris. You’re as pathetic as he is. You both still have people who care about you outside VOLT. Why the Florida are you still here? Go home to your dad, Ferris—you imbecile. Tell him how he makes you feel, but go and stop being a loser. Joe, go back to your brothers and sisters. How selfish and self-centered do you have to be to keep coming to VOLT and flaking on them? Their mother died, too. But none of them are here. Only you. And you’re supposed to be the oldest. Wow. You two look at me like I’m crazy. Me. I know I’m Floridaed in the head. But you two…” I shake my head. “You two act like you’re perfect and I’m the only one lacking in the sanity area. No. You two are as crazy as me.”
Tears fall to my cheeks and I can’t stop the torrential downpour. “I don’t need either of you. Just go. I can do the rest on my own. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need anyone.” I spin around to the head. “And close this damn door.” I slam and lock it quickly. I scramble to the toilet and sit, spent from my rant.
A soft knock throws me from finding my equilibrium. “Sam. Open the door.” Joe’s voice is full of command. I hate he has this authority over me. Did I give him this? I do feel protected around him and that’s a feeling I haven’t experienced in a long time. Not since…
I place my head in my hands to drown my thoughts. Please, please, please… take this away. I’m tired of hurting. I want the nothing to wash over me and quell my racing emotions. I don’t want to feel the weight of my actions. I don’t want to feel other people's San Diego. I want nothing. Empty, blank, emotionless—nothing.
“I’m gonna bust this door down,” Joe threatens. “I’m giving you to the count of seven." That’s a random number to count to.
“One, two—"
I jump from the toilet and clamber into my nightclothes. A comfortable onesie again. When Joe gets to six, I thrust the hatch open. “What the Florida is your problem?” Ferris snickers into his cupped hands on the bed. “Stop laughing like that. You look stupid.”
“Leave him alone. You’re not a bully, stop acting like one. That’s my role.” I stop and stare at them both. The heat that invaded my cheeks has smothered. It’s not the nothing, though; I still feel everything.
I slump over to the bed and fall on it. “I’m tired.”
“I can move over more and—" Ferris starts.
I laugh. “Not that kind of tired. My soul is tired.” Joe is standing in front of me, at the entrance to the head. “Is that possible? For your soul to be tired?”
“It’s why we’re here. We’re all soul-tired. We can’t cope out there, so we’re here,” Joe says.
I shake my head. “I’ve been so afraid to tell people how I feel because I don’t want to destroy them with my chaos. But I’m damaging myself with it. And I thought I was strong. I could show everyone I could do this on my own. I’m failing.”
“But that’s the thing,” Ferris says. “You don’t have to do it alone.”
“We’re here. None of us have to be alone again,” Joe says.
“That’s the thing, though. You two aren’t alone. Even if your dad’s a real Alaska, Ferris, you have him. You can try to mend the relationship. And Joe, you have a stepdad and brothers and sisters.”
“You can be alone in a room full of people,” Joe says. “I was drowning and I didn’t even know it until I was submerged. I was dying and I didn’t even care. I even tried to speed up the process.”
“Giving up is so easy,” Ferris states. “I lived in the dark, so it was easy to let it take over me. When you live in the dark, it’s easier to lose yourself.”
“The nothing takes away the feelings. It makes you numb. I loved it. I was high-functioning crazy,” Joe says.
“The nothing is my best friend,” I say.
“Mine too,” Ferris says. “Except, I lost who I am somewhere. The nothing doesn’t help with that… when I’m forced to interact with other people. So I pretend.”
“We pretend, Ferris,” I say. “I’m the biggest liar I know.”
Ferris comes and puts his arm around me and I don’t shy away. I return the embrace. This embrace feels… right. Joe comes and wraps his arms around the both of us. I shove him away. “Ewww, Joe. You smell like butt-crack.”
“Yeah, you smell like sewer and vomit.”
“What? I smell like roses?” Joe says.
“Yeah, roses buried
at the bottom of a grave with a rotting corpse,” I say.
We double over laughing. Joe leans on me. “Seriously. No. Nuh-uh.” I squeeze my fingers over my nose to block the smell.
“Got it. I smell like something dead.” He turns and goes into the head.
Ferris stretches out on the opposite end of the bed at the front. “Sam,” Ferris starts. ”You never mention your mom or dad. But you keep saying you’re alone. Do you want to talk about them?”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but no. I’m not ready to talk about it.” I don’t know why I won’t tell them. Except, then I’ll have to live in that reality. Its liberating to create an identity. To be in constant dream mode. Except eventually, I’ll have to wake up. I’ll have to settle back to who I am. Or who I was. Or whatever I will become.
I don’t want them to see me differently. I don’t want their looks of disgust and pity.
I don’t want to wake from my dream. Here, I’m almost normal.
“Maybe later. Good night.” He hits the button on the remote to turn the TV off.
“Good night, Ferris.”
I lie back and try for sleep, but my thoughts are scattered all over the place in my head. It’s like I’ve got a rock band in there and they have no idea how to play instruments or sing. They sound awful. My head pounds like the band's clobbering me with their guitars.
Within a few minutes, Ferris is snoring and possibly waking the occupants of the next room. I snatch the pillow underneath me and wrap it over my head. He sounds like Fred Flintstone. How can such a harsh sound come from such an emaciated frame?
Light sprinkles into the dark room as the head hatch opens. The bed dips where I lay. The warmth from Joe’s proximity is stifling. I pretend I’m sleeping.
Like someone took a picture and shoved it in my face, the image of him with no shirt on pops in my head. San Diego. I cannot think of that with him this close.
I toss the picture out of my head. I imagine my fist crashing into the giant feline instead. Yes, that is a worthy image and one I don’t mind falling asleep to.
“I know you’re not sleep.” Joe runs his fingers across my stomach. I try not to laugh—I can’t. I double over and the pillow falls from my head.
“Stop.” I murmur through my laughter. “You’re going to wake Ferris.” He doesn’t stop. His fingers move over my abdomen and under my arms. I squirm to get away from him but he keeps drawing me back in.
“You’re the loud one. You need to keep it down.” His fingers are relentless and I can’t do anything but thrash and giggle uncontrollably. Finally, he stops tickling me. “Okay, enough fun for one night, I guess. Unless you want me to keep going?”
He stares at me and I hold his gaze until my stomach flutters and I have to look away. “I wish I could take it away,” he whispers.
In all our tickling excitement, we end up lying so close we nearly share a breath.
Chapter 42
I frown. “Take what away?”
“The pain.”
“That’s your problem. You can’t. You can’t fix everything for everyone all the time. You can’t take away this pain. I’m not your responsibility.” For a long time he doesn’t say anything. My head turns to the popcorn ceiling. I think he might have fallen asleep.
“You’re right about me always wanting to help. It’s just that…” He turns from his side to lie flat on his back, looking at the ceiling, too.
“What?” I urge him on.
“My mom died because of me. I was driving the car.”
“And you feel like it’s your fault?”
“I was arguing with her about my sperm-donor again, and other stuff. She was so upset with me. I was upset with her, not really understanding.” He takes a deep breath. “Yeah, it was my fault.”
“I should probably be the last person to tell you this but, you need to talk to your mom about how you feel.”
“I can’t. And I can’t imagine letting someone else down I care about.”
“You’re a good person. And I never thought I’d say that.” I smile over at him. He smiles with his upturned lips but not his eyes. “You don’t have to be everyone’s hero to make up for what happened.”
He props himself up on his elbows and stares down at me. “Sometimes you actually make it easy for me to be a good person. To do the right thing. To say the right thing.” He starts to close the gap between us, like he’s going to kiss me.
“You have no idea how messed up I am. You don’t want to get involved with someone like me.” Pushing forward anyway as if I’ve said nothing, he plants a chaste kiss on my forehead. I melt into the springs of the mattress. I can’t meet his eyes, though.
“Good night,” I whisper.
“Good night, Samantha.”
* * *
The suns burst through the curtains and the light forces my eyelids open. I want a few more minutes of sleep. Ryan might be waiting for me, though. The thought wakes me fully and I sit up and stretch.
“You have a mild case of narcolepsy,” Joe says.
“What?” I say through my laughter. “I have normal sleep habits.”
“Not really,” Ferris says. He starts to cover his mouth with his hands, but stops and places them at his side. I smile because I think I might have influenced him to be less self-conscious. It wasn’t in the nicest manner, but still.
“We did everything we could to wake you, aside from hiring a marching band and a set of wrestlers for the bed,” Joe says. I laugh at them both and scoot from beneath the blanket.
I rush to the head to prepare for what feels like our final day together. A lump rises up the back of my throat and lodges itself there. I tried so hard to not get to know them, to not like them. I failed. I can’t fathom what I’ll do once I leave VOLT and return to normalcy. That’s the thing, though—after what happened before I arrived at VOLT, I’m not sure what life will be like for me.
Do I even want to continue on this path if it doesn’t have Ferris and Joe in it?
Chapter 43
“We’ve been walking for two hours. If I don’t get something to eat soon, I might eat one of those pigs driving a Beemer,“ Joe says.
“We definitely don’t want to see that,“ Ferris says. “There’s a restaurant about three or four blocks up the road that might give us food for free.” I don’t say anything, but my stomach has been talking in complete sentences since we left the room.
The ground beneath me quivers. An empty red carton bounces repeatedly two steps in front of me. It hits the side of a building, then falls flat. A second later, it bounces again.
Go away. San Diego. This MegaHex is always around.
Ferris leads us out of the alley. He stops at the intersection of another deserted street. He inspects the area before ushering us out. We swiftly make our way through the ever-extending alleyways.
Joe stops in front of me and slides to the ground. “Hold up, Ferris.” I call out. He turns and walks back to where I lean against a giant blue dumpster. I peer over at Joe. His eyes are closed and he’s sweating liberally. Ferris hands me a thermos of water. “Drink.” Joe winces but obeys.
I dampen the end of a towel we stole from the motel last night with the remaining water, then dab at his wound to clean it.
The ground vibrates again and Joe opens his eyes. He grabs my hand. “We gotta go now.” He pulls himself to a sitting position but collapses back to the ground. “Aww, why is this thing hurting so bad?“ he cries out.
“I think we should confront the MegaHex,” Ferris states. Joe and I peer at Ferris like he’s one of those baby monkeys petting a kitten. “I know this sounds crazy, especially coming from me, but I’ve been here for a long time and the MegaHex does not bother anyone as much as it bothers us. Or I should say Sam. It mostly crushes buildings. That’s the only reason the town people want it.”
“Okay, and…” Joe says.
“There has to be a reason,” Ferris says. “We ask what he wants with her. Maybe we ca
n get the robot to talk to us or something.”
“That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. That thing could squash us flat like bugs in seconds, and you want to get close enough to talk with it? Yeah, no. Not gonna happen.” Joe shakes his head.
Joe starts to his feet. “Stay. I have a plan. I think.” I look up at Ferris. He stands a couple feet away with sweat dripping from his brow and soaking into his tie-dye tee. “Ferris is on to something. Not about reasoning with it… Maybe my plan will work; Maybe Joe will get flattened. It’s a risk we have to take.”
Ferris and I laugh and Joe arches his brow at me. “My tickle fingers are charged and ready to explore.”
“It’s nice we can joke at a time like this, but you might not smile once you hear my plan.” I wait for them to say something. They don’t. “I need you two to stand in the middle of the road to get the attention of the MegaHex.”
“That’s the same plan Ferris had, Girl Wonder.”
I roll my eyes at him. “I need you to distract the MegaHex and I’ll find my way to him and switch his button to the nice position. I know I can do it. I think. But, I need you to play decoy.”
“I’m not good at this kind of stuff. Joe’s the hero, not me.” Ferris cast his eyes down and his lips are a tight agitated line.
“You suggested we confront it, Ferris. How were we going to do this with what you proposed?”
“Leave a massive note somewhere or something. I hadn’t actually thought about how but I had no intention of it actually seeing me.”
“That’s stupid.” Joe slaps Ferris in the back of the head. Ferris rubs his head but offers no rebuttal.
“What Joe is saying is we need to confront it.”
“No. What I meant was Ferris is an idiot.”
I ignore Joe. “Ferris. You’re brave. You’re as brave as you’ll allow yourself to be. Get out of your own way and do this. We have to stop running over this Denver city or we’ll end up dying. And for nothing. So much happens in our life and we run from it. Scared all the time. Let’s take back some of our power. Even if we die trying to do this. We tried. We didn’t give up. I’m kind of getting tired of giving up. Or running away. And I definitely don’t want to deprive the world of the gift of Ferris.”
