by Dawn Brazil
“Right.” Ferris chimes in. “You’re beating yourself up for things that are out of your control. I can’t imagine losing all of those loved ones. Still, they wouldn’t want you to waste away to nothing, or to give up.”
“I think it’s easier to give up. Fighting is hard. With each new thing that comes up, it seems that a part of me gets splintered off. I don’t even know if I have any fight left in me.”
“You have plenty of fight in you. You brought down the metal monster by yourself. You fought for me and Ferris. And you fought for you. And for all the people you’ve lost. You have more than enough fight in you. We believe in you. You need to start believing in your own power.”
“I’m going to try, really try. You both handle it all so well.”
“Seriously. You think Ferris is handling things well,” Joe says.
Both Ferris and I laugh. “It’s just each day for me is a battle. I have to go into battle just to breathe, to eat, to sleep, to smile… it’s a lot. Too much. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m still alive.”
“You have to work at it each day,” Joe says. “Chip away at the crazy thoughts and bad habits until your normal is back. That doesn’t mean you won’t still be weird. We’ll all remember the things that happened to us forever. But I think we can choose to let things cripple us, or we can choose to fight to get better. The key is that you fight for something. You don’t let life kick you in the ass.” For a second no one says anything.
“Get up. The both of you.” Joe hobbles to his knees and pulls out his ID badge. “Get your IDs out.” Both Ferris and I pull them out without question. “Start digging.” Ferris and I exchange a glance but don’t move. “Come on. We’re going to bury these IDs like we’re burying our past. Burying all the pain, hurt, shame, regret… we’re getting rid of all that shit for good.” He shovels his hand into the pliable earth and tosses the dirt to the side. Without one word, Ferris squats beside him and does the same.
“It’s not that simple, Joe.” I glance at the picture of the baby piglet on my ID. “It doesn’t work that way.”
Joe grabs my hand and pulls me to where he crouches in the dirt. “It’s what you make it. Now start digging.” I sigh but scoop out a portion of the ground beside me. When all of our holes are dug, Joe clears his throat.
“We’ll walk in the light and not the shadows. We’ll smile more.” He glances at me when he says this. “We will not apologize for our existence.” We both glance at Ferris. “We will not live with regrets. We will take hold of the power inside us and we will live free. We will never forget, but we will move forward.” He throws his head back and howls.
Tears stream from all of our eyes.
Ferris throws his head back and releases a loud shriek as well. “Wow.” He smiles over at Joe. Joe nods his approval.
They turn to me. I drop my ID into the small hole I dug. They both wear matching anxious expressions. I sigh. I guess I’ve got to do this, too. I tilt my head back.
“Chris, are you still there?” The MegaHex’s voice booms over to us. “I do apologize for any wrongful deeds, violent or otherwise, that have caused you to doubt my intentions. I have nothing but good intentions. It is most regretful my transformation cog was adjusted to the off position. Again, I do beg your absolution.”
Joe sweeps the dirt over his ID and stands. Ferris and I do the same.
We both turn to Joe, our unofficial guide. He walks behind me and pushes me forward. “Um, that’s… okay. I forgive you. We need to get to The End. Can you take us there?”
The doors fly open and the car replies, “Come. I can have you there in sixty-eight minutes and fifteen seconds.”
I have to trust others. It’s my own personal mantra. I need the words to coax me from behind my barricade. I claw at it, piece by piece, but the Denver thing is gargantuan.
We pile into the back of the car—no one wants to sit in the front, obviously. The red leather interior is warm to the touch as I slide across the seat to the middle. Mists of lavender waft to my nostrils and I inhale the scent and linger in it. Chris loved lavender. It was her favorite. I bought a lavender plug-in for every socket in my room right after the accident. Every time Mom came into my room for weeks, she would cry. We would curl up on the bed and cry together.
I clasp my hands together in my lap and try not to fall apart as the MegaHex drives off. None of us talk, and for a while, it’s comforting, if a bit awkward.
Joe leans into me and whispers, “You asked why I was here and not with my brothers and sisters. I only told you in part why.” I look at him, anticipating he’ll continue. He doesn’t. For a few seconds, he glances out the window, at the rolling hills and barren desert of Slumbering Village.
He inclines himself again. “The truth is, they don’t need me. When my mother died, we went to stay with my aunt—his sister. I didn’t feel right leaning on her for emotional support. She tried with me, but… I needed someone to need me again. My mother had needed me. My siblings had needed me. Nobody wanted me and I felt their contempt—real or not, I felt it—because of what I did. Being in control, being needed by others makes me feel…” He shakes his head like he’s searching for the right word. “…whole. That’s why I couldn’t leave you—not even in the beginning. You were my redemption. I was going to find Ryan and you were going to be happy again because of me.”
I don’t speak for a few minutes. Joe glances back out the window. His words deserve a response, though. “I can’t even put it into words how thankful I am to you. I can feel how much you love your mom. So your sacrifice of time means that much more to me.” His face is so close to mine that I smell his citrusy scent. I reach up and run a finger across his chin—something I used to do to Chris when she was lost in her thoughts. Joe’s face is serious. I smile at him—teeth and all—to let him know I am happy now. Whether we find someone at The End or not, he helped to put a genuine smile on my face.
“God, your smile is sunshine.” He pushes himself closer to whisper into my ear. Heat rushes my body and I’m dizzy from his nearness. “Did I ever tell you how much I hate cats?” I shake my head. I want to confess that I hate them, too, but I’m not sure if that’s true. “I’m a dog person through and through. But there’s this brown tabby cat that keeps coming around our house. At first, I tried to shoo it away. It kept coming back.”
I stare up at him and he smiles. That’s funny, I’ve got a cat story, too. “I’m not rambling, I promise.” I nod. “This cat keeps showing up. And she’s hungry. So, I feed her. Because yeah, it’s still a living thing. I think every day, today is the day it won’t show. And it won’t for a day or two, then it’s right back. And then I’m feeding it again. Then I’m worried if it’s more than two days gone. Then I’m making a plate for it on the porch and buying a bowl for it.” He shakes his head. “When I first met you, you were like that annoying cat. I wanted you to go away. But eventually, like the cat, I can’t stop thinking about you. Hoping you’re okay. Hoping even that you find your dude. Just so you can be happy. Because more than anything in the world to me right now, I want you to be happy. So, I’ll do anything to put a smile on your face. Even reunite you with this guy when I know you want me. Because I want you, too… so bad.”
“Chris, are you in distress?” the MegaHex asks. I blink twice. “Your heart rate has spiked considerably and your breathing is erratic.
I bite my lip but have a hard time not smiling. Ferris' muffled laugh sounds beside me. San Diego! I don’t have the words to respond to Joe. But my insides are tap-dancing the jig.
“Hey, Sam,” Ferris says. Joe gives him a hard look and he closes his mouth. “Whoops.” Joe laughs, but I swallow hard. What if the MegaHex kicks us out of the car?
“Chris. Why did your companion call you by your dead sister’s name?”
Chapter 49
For a few seconds, I can’t answer. Joe elbows me. “Why do you think she’s dead?” I ask.
“When you came back to VOLT, you said you
were here to see your sister. It is quite unorthodox for a deceased Milk Dud to return to VOLT, but it has happened—sometimes Duds do not even realize they are deceased. If any Milk Dud has the capacity for such a task, I know you do. You were quite the capricious one.”
“Why do you think she thought you were dead?” Ferris whispers.
I can’t speak, because the revelation that she came here looking for me is jarring. “She thought you killed yourself.” Joe’s words are soft and achingly true.
“Oh,” Ferris says. He says nothing more, but grabs my hand and squeezes it.
Silence descends on the sports car again as we glide through town. I watch as humals and Duds converse. A reaper is poised to strike a man who appears lost at a stop sign.
“I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t remember you two after this,” I say. I smile up at Joe. He frowns and turns away from me. He doesn’t have to say anything. I understand how he feels. I feel the same way about him and Ferris, too.
“We’re here,” Ferris says.
“I remember,” I whisper. I shake my head. Both Joe and Ferris push forward like they want to know what I said. “I—I remember it, too.”
“You remember what?” Ferris asks.
“The MegaHex,” I whisper. “My dad made a robot with my sister and me when we were about nine. We named him SuperHex. VOLT’s MegaHex is a perfect replica of the one we created together all those years ago.” We sit in silence for a few seconds. I have no idea why I recalled that.
Joe climbs out first when the MegaHex stops. “Come on.” I sit in the car with my hands clenched together on my lap. Fear forces my limbs to lock up and I can’t move.
After everything we’ve gone through to get here, I’m too frightened to get out of the car. The prevailing question in my mind is who will be here. What will I say to that person? What will they say to me? Will bruises from the accident be visible still? So many questions press on me that I can barely breathe. I bend and tuck my head between my legs. I take slow, deep breaths to try to relax. It doesn’t work.
“Sam, I know it’s scary.” Joe has crawled back in beside me. “That’s why we’re here. You need to do this so you can move forward. If you pass on this opportunity, you’ll forever regret it. Ferris and I can’t follow you in here. Plus, I’m not looking forward to seeing you kiss this dude.” I glance up at him and smile. Yeah, I would most likely feel like that way, too, about him and another girl.
He grabs my hand and traces lines on my palm. “This part of the journey you’ll have to make on your own, but we’ll wait here for about fifteen minutes, until we’re certain you’re fine, then we’ll ask the MegaHex to take us away. We’ll be near the entrance if you need to find us after.”
He pulls me from the car with his good hand. I wince at the pain in my side. Joe’s other hand has dried blood from his stab wound crusted around it. “You have to get that looked at,” I say as I step out of the car.
“I promise to get this looked at if you promise to go in there.” He motions with a tilt of his head to the mansion in front of us.
It’s a Victorian Gothic with a terracotta tile roof and lead glass, pointed windows with tracery. Stone carvings of leaves, birds, and gargoyles around the perimeter give life to one of the most magnificent houses I’ve ever seen. The sidewalk out front is gold paved, and the house is seated behind a gate made of pearls.
It’s stunning.
I place one foot in front of the other and move with great care to the front that announces you’re entering The Ends Mansion.
Ferris and Joe lean against the MegaHex car. Joe rubs his wound and grimaces from the pain. Ferris stares at Joe’s bloody shirt with bulging eyes and inflamed cheeks. For the first time, I give thought to how I must look. Extremely disheveled… and I'm being nice with my assumption.
Racing back to the car, I peer in the side mirror. My reflection kicks me in the gut. Sweat has matted my thick curls to my head. Dried tearstreaks coat my face. There's a blood splatter at the center of the onesie, with random blood and gaping holes torn in places.
With my left hand, I comb my fingers through my hair to loosen the knots. I keep my right arm pressed at my side as much as possible to conceal the fresh wound there. My fingers catch on a rebellious tangle in the front; I take my time loosening it. I dig the sleep from my eyes and straighten the onesie on my bony body. I peer in the mirror to make a final assessment. “Ugh.”
I step away from the mirror. Joe and Ferris watch me and shake their heads. “What!” I say. “I do want to look good when I see him. I am a girl.”
Ferris laughs, like I made a joke. Joe’s head is inclined toward his tennis shoes. It’s funny how at one minute I can tell exactly what he’s thinking, and the next there’s no trace of emotion in him. A lump so big it cuts off my circulation rises in the back of my throat. My eyes swell with tears. I run and collapse into both of their arms.
“Whoa. Two hugs in one day,” Ferris says. I smile, then throw a quizzical look at Joe, who still hasn’t said anything. His head is down again, looking at the ground. I back away with the same silly grin.
I face the mansion. A couple more steps and my journey will be over.
My procession forward continues, but I take a backward glance at Joe and Ferris. They’re both looking at me, smiling. Elated at Joe’s late but happy demeanor, I spin forward.
The open air in front of me slaps me in the face.
It’s a shock. I fall backwards and land on my rear. I swivel to find Joe and Ferris hold looks of suppressed laughter. I roll my eyes, stand, and extend my hand to the invisible shield blocking my path.
The area in front of me is clear, yet I can make out a tiny ripple in the air. Almost like a thin veil of water in front of me, but it’s solid. I run my hands over the clear wall.
“Sam, you okay? You look like a mime.” Ferris asks, standing by my side now. I trace my hand over the surface of the wall.
“Do you see it? The wall. Do you see that?” I grab his hand and pull him forward to touch the soft ripple.
“Oh,” he says. “There does seem to be a wall here.”
“A force field of some sort,” Joe says with a smirk in his voice.
“A plasma window wall,” Ferris says.
“A plasma window. Can they exist in this environment? I guess there is enough energy to sustain the plasma. But wouldn’t it be multi-colored to match the gas emanating from the particles that are iodized?” I ask.
“Who are you?” Joe says. I frown. Do they think I’m all legs and no brain? I ignore the implication in his voice.
Whatever the wall is, I’m not allowed to cross through it.
I came so far, only to be denied access in the end. I’ve wasted my time, Joe’s, and Ferris'. I keep messing up. I should have left VOLT days ago. What the Florida did I expect to find here today, anyway?
Still, the realization I won’t see anyone is a bullet to the head. Wounded, I slump to the ground where I stand. I shield my face from view as sobs shake me. I don’t even care that they’re both watching. I need to release these tears that have been clogging up my throat and my heart for months, years.
I’m not sure when they will stop, or if I want them to. The morning is gone, night is my new normal. I know that these tears will not bring the relief I need. This weeping, snot-filled girl has been begging for release for years. She’s been denied for much too long.
“Sam.”
My breath catches at this voice. I strangle a gasp. My insides have come undone. All of me is tangled and falling, falling… up.
I press my hand to the invisible shield to guide me to my feet.
Ryan’s mesmerizing eyes stare back at me through the wall that has become my prison.
Chapter 50
He stands in front of me.
His large hand touches the surface of the clear wall on his side. Dressed in dark jeans and a white tee, he doesn’t wear the smile I love. His sculpted features are cast in shadow. The suns and
the plasma distort his gorgeous face. His creased brow is visible, though, and the disapproval in his eyes evident.
I step away from the wall. My left foot lands on Joe’s right foot. I turn to stare into his eyes. He steadies me, pushes me back toward the wall.
“No. He—he doesn’t want me.” My heart spasms like someone took an electrical rod to it. Maybe this is for the best.
“I didn’t take you for a coward. You came all this way. At least talk to him,” Joe says. “You need this resolution. I need this resolution. I’ll wait right here for you.”
I pivot toward where Ryan stands motionless at the wall, staring at me. The frown lines slowly disappear from his forehead. It isn’t a smile, but it’s better than the scold from a moment ago. “What are you doing here, Pea?” His voice carries little emotion.
Reluctant, I step forward and touch my left hand to the wall. “I had to see you. I miss you, Pod.”
He stares past me. I follow his gaze to Ferris. He doesn’t speak. His eyes wander behind me again, and I know he’s looking at Joe. I can’t turn to see Joe’s face. I wait for Ryan to speak again, to tell me something, though I’m certain from his dejected expression that’s not going to happen.
Maybe in this place, lies can’t exist.
“You have to go. You shouldn’t have come looking for me.” A softness in his voice calms my quivering heart enough for me to formulate a response.
“I had to find you. To see you.”
He lets out a loud breath and stares at me for a second. “Aren’t you a little surprised to see me here, Samantha?”
I think on his question for a moment. I am surprised, but happy. “Kind of. I mean, I wondered…” I trail off with a shrug.
