Guilt and Punishmen

by Sophia Schmidt

  "Sorry for earlier." After speaking with Phloria, Elina went back to her normal self.

  "But after a noble tried to kill my son, I don't trust any stranger, no matter their social status. Lith should be back in a while."

  The house was a little miracle of magic, which only made Orion's fears grow. The air lacked the humidity and heat of summer.

  The fireplace was empty, yet the room was perfectly lighted by some small glass containers emitting a warm light and no bug or mosquito pestered him once he stepped inside.

  Lith had used Forgemastering to recreate air conditioners, lightbulbs and bug spray by devising small elemental stones respectively of water, light and darkness attribute. They were a lesser version of magic holding rings, that could store only first magic spells and needed to be recharged often.

  Orion and Elina talked about their respective children, sharing anecdotes and happy memories until Lith arrived. The youth looked like a dejected miner that barely escaped from the collapse of a tunnel, he was completely covered in dust and debris.

  After Elina introduced Orion, Lith immediately cleaned himself up with a spell before giving him a deep bow.

  "Duke Ernas, I heard a lot about you. It's a pleasure finally making your acquaintance." Both his choice of words and etiquette were flawless, turning his fears into horror.

  "I knew it, he felt familiar the moment he walked through the door. He's exactly like my wife when she was his age! If Jirni sees him, she will never let me hear the end of it. I don't want any of my daughters to go through what I had to before managing to reason with her!"¨C

  "What can I help you with?" They sat at the table while Elina went to the kitchen.

  Orion snapped out of it, remembering why he was there.

  "Well, as you surely know, both Friya and Yurial are in a bad shape after the second exam. The final test took a heavy toll of them¡"

  Orion saw Lith's eyes widen, quickly pointing at his mother and then pressing the index finger over his lips.

  "Yes, I know." Lith cut Orion short.

  "Getting rid of so many pests was a dirty job. I'm sorry they got the short end of the stick."

  "They have lost most of their confidence and are in a rough patch." Orion caught Lith's drift and kept vague to prevent Elina from finding out the real nature of the exam.

  "I would like for you to try to talk to them. They need all the help they can get."

  "I don't think it's a good idea." Lith lowered his gaze in embarrassment.

  "I'm not really good with people. Also, I feel I have failed them by not noticing their distress until it was too late. I'm afraid they might be quite angry at me. Anything I say is likely to backfire rather than help."

  Thanks to his years together with Jirni, Orion was able to see past masks and charades, noticing that Lith's words were sincere and so was his concern.

  "If you really feel guilty, you should go." Solus said. "If you face them now, you can still make up with them. Abandon them again and they will never forgive you."¨C

  "That's not true, dear." Elina chimed in.

  "You always did an amazing work with your patients. All the farmers love and respect you. Your friends saved your life, whatever they are going through you must help them at the best of your capabilities.

  I don't remember raising an ungrateful son."

  Finding himself between a rock, a hard place and his mother, Lith accepted.

  Chapter 185 Crucible 2

  Going back to the Ernas mansion was a matter of minutes. As soon as they were away from Elina's ears, Orion briefly explained to Lith how the act of murdering someone had affected his two companions.

  Lith just listened, pondering about what he could do about their mental state. The situation appeared to be hopeless.

  When they walked out through the last Warp Steps, Jirni Ernas was waiting for them. The surprise froze Orion long enough to allow her to take the initiative.

  "Dear Lith, I heard a lot about you. I'm Duchess Jirni Ernas. It's a pleasure making your acquaintance. I think our meeting is long overdue." She gave him a curtsy before offering him her right hand.

  By introducing herself first, the lady of the house had done him a great honour. It was a really uncommon situation, to which there was only one possible answer.

  "The pleasure is all mine. I'm at your service, my Lady." Lith half kneeled while kissing the back of her hand.

  Their eyes met, studying each other's expressions and reactions.

  "This woman is being too polite toward a commoner. She clearly has a hidden agenda. If she hopes to catch me off guard with her petite build and kind visage, she's sorely mistaken. Whatever she sells, I don't buy it."¨C Lith's thoughts were spot on.

  "So young and so knowledgeable of rituals and etiquette." Jirni thought. "This is the perfect occasion to see if the reports about him are correct. I should be able to test his worth and if he is a potential suitor for one of the girls."¨C

  "Jirni, dear, what are you doing here?" Orion said with a stiff smile, making them both furrow their brows in disapproval for his poor acting skills. It only lasted for a split second, but they noticed each other's reaction.

  Lith and Jirni became immediately aware of the ongoing mutual deception and changed their plans accordingly.

  "My dear husband, I understand how sensitive this matter is for you and the children. I just wanted to introduce myself to our esteemed guest. He must know how grateful we are for his help in times of need."

  Her voice was worried, but her eyes were hard as steel.

  "Which translates into: I don't trust putting my family in the hands of a stranger without letting him know he cannot afford to screw up."¨C

  Lith's interpretation was once again correct.

  "I'm grateful for your trust, my Lady. A true friend can't remain idle when you ask for his help. I'll do the best that I can, it's all that I can promise you." Lith's voice was kind while his eyes were cold.

  Like Jirni, he kept up the polite fa?ade but didn't try to fool her anymore. Due to their similar nature, they had established a silent understanding and respect between them.

  "So you came here only at my husband's insistence and you don't think there's much that can be done. So far so good, young man."¨C

  Their conversation between the lines was driving Orion insane, but he didn't know how to make them stop without being terribly rude. Luckily, Phloria came to his rescue.

  "Hi, Lith." Her cheeks reddened seeing him. Phloria was still self-conscious about their last call. She was wearing a sleeveless emerald evening dress, that highlighted her fair skin and back hair.

  Lith gave her a cold but polite bow to which she awkwardly responded with a curtsy.

  Jirni didn't miss a single detail.

  "Sorry to bother you, mom, but the staff is having problems setting the dining hall, they need your supervision."

  Her words forced Jirni to take leave of them and follow her daughter.

  "That's the boy who made you change your undergarments?" She asked with a whisper as soon as the door was closed behind them.

  "No!" Phloria blatantly lied turning beet red up to her ears.

  "Really? Then why are you finally wearing a gown instead of your beloved pants?"

  "Maybe because you pestered me all day about putting a dress on at least for dinner?" Jirni clicked her tongue, Phloria was right.

  "Too bad he doesn't seem interested." Jirni continued, not willing to let her have the last word.

  "I always told you, to capture the heart of a man, the best undergarment is no undergarment at all."

  ***

  "Usually by this time Yurial is already sleeping." Orion guided Lith through richly decorated corridors until they reached the guests' quarters.

  "Wait here, I'll let you in as soon as he is fully awake." Orion knocked on the door before entering, leaving Lith alone with his worries.

  "The only thing I know for sure is that Yurial's father and Orion must be really desperate
. My schoolmates already performed a background check on me, hence the parents should know my past as well. Seeing how I turned out, what kind of help do they think I can provide?"

  "Consider this an opportunity to help them and yourself at the same time. You never had anyone to share your burden with. First you had to protect Carl, then to feed yourself and save Tista." Solus said.

  "Your quest for power lead you to a lonely path. You couldn't allow anyone to know what you were going through, always shouldering everything yourself. Think of them as of the young Derek. Tell them what you would say to your younger self if you had the opportunity."¨C

  Solus' words reminded Lith what his therapist back on Earth had told him multiple times. That for his wounds to heal he needed to be open and honest about his feelings.

  Following Doctor Shore's advice, Lith/Derek had even volunteered at a shelter for victims of domestic abuses, but instead of empathizing with them he ended up being proud of having caused his father's death.

  He was as miserable as they were, but at least he had a life and a home. Unlike them, his days as a victim were over. The people he worked with, instead, were trembling lumps of fear, constantly watching their backs.

  By listening to their stories, Lith/Derek would only become angrier, hating humankind more and more. After only a few weeks, Doctor Shore had noticed the negative changes in his behaviour and asked him to stop.

  When Orion let him in, Lith noticed the presence of a man who closely resembled Yurial. Before Orion could introduce them, Yurial lashed at Lith.

  "Some friend you are! Showing up now is too little and too late. Where were you while I was curled up in a pool of vomit and tears? I remained like that for hours before my father contacted me. It's been five f*cking days and you never called or visited. What's wrong with you?"

  Velan Deirus was very embarrassed by his son's rude behaviour, but at the same time also very happy.

  Yurial seemed to have found his strength. Seeing him angry was already a great improvement.

  Yurial's words made Lith feel guilty, even managing to hurt him a little. Having decided to follow Solus' advice, Lith put his guilt aside and took his gloves off.

  "Friend? That's rich coming from you. Do you even remember how we met? How you threw trash at me and never apologized until you needed my help?"

  Lith didn't yell, yet his words made short work of Yurial's outrage and self-righteous attitude.

  "Since when are we friends, exactly? You have been using me the whole time and I returned the favour. Otherwise tell me something about me unrelated to the academy. What are my sisters' names? What are my dreams for the future? Heck, do you even know what is my favourite colour?"

  Yurial suddenly realized that despite all the time they had spent together, Lith was still a complete stranger to him.

  "See? You know nothing about me and so do I about you. Don't worry, though, things are about to change. Lord Ernas, could you please bring the girls here? I think that some things need to be said, but I'd prefer doing it only once."

  Lith and Yurial sat down in silence, waiting for the others to arrive. The more Yurial thought about his previous outburst, the more it appeared childish and ridiculous.

  "Lith is right, we were never friends. It was just an assumption I made on my own. We shared hardships and schoolwork, but I never once cared for his life outside the academy. Some friend I am."¨C

  When Friya saw Lith, the temperature in the room dropped by several degrees. She didn't yell or attack him, choosing instead to sit as far away as possible.

  Lith didn't cut her any slack, repeating the same speech he had given Yurial, making her turn red from anger first and pale at the realization of how shallow their relationship was.

  When the group was gathered, he could finally start.

  "Let me introduce myself properly. Hi, I'm Lith and I'm a murderer." At those words, the room turned awkwardly silent.

  "I want to tell you a story. Your background checks are wrong, I didn't kill my first man when I was six, but when I was only four."

  Lith couldn't tell them how he had killed his father on Earth, so he needed to mix two truths to make a half lie.

  "Back then, life was terrible for me. I was always starving, so I ran in the woods whenever I could behind my parents' back and I hunted using magic. What no one knows, not even my family, is that I wasn't alone.

  There was a poacher, an obnoxious, violent man that stole my game whenever we met and gave me a complimentary beating every single time. I couldn't tell anyone. I was too ashamed of my weakness and afraid my parents would lock me in the house, so I made up excuses to keep them from discovering the truth and keep hunting.

  I endured it for months, until one day I managed to catch a few white rabbits. With their meat and pelts my family would have been well fed and clothed, allowing even my ill sister to take a walk from time to time.

  Too bad the poacher found me again, robbing me of my prey again. What he didn't know was that we weren't alone. A magical beast had been following me too and when he walked away from me, I decided not to warn him."

  Lith's eyes became watery thinking back at his father, at how much he had to suffer before those wet stairs did the dirty work for him.

  "While the beast devoured him, I didn't call for help nor did I attempt to drive it away. I just took back my game and stood watch to make sure that the poacher would never harm me ever again.

  I may have not killed him directly, but I consider him my first victim."

  Seeing all his friends sniffling with watery eyes, Lith shook his head.

  "I'm not trying to belittle your suffering. This is not a measuring contest about who had it rougher. I just want you to know me, the real me, before giving you an unsolicited piece of advice."

  He took a deep breath, watching each of them in the eyes.

  "Friya, Yurial, you too have killed someone. Maybe because you felt pressured by the academy or simply because after killing so many monsters it seemed the right thing to do, it's not up to me to judge.

  Phloria, Quylla, sooner or later you'll kill someone too, either out of self-defence or because it's your duty. When that moment comes, please remember my words.

  Life is a cruel crucible that breaks us apart over and over, forcing us to put the pieces back together. Sometimes we come out of it stronger, sometimes weaker and most of the times there's so little we can do about it.

  Failure is not falling down, it's not getting up. I couldn't share my burden with anyone. How could I say to my brother, to my family, that our happiness was built on the death of another man?"

  "You are not like me. You have a lot of people that care for you, that know of your struggle and are willing to help. I don't know how long it will take for you to recover, but you don't have to face this alone.

  Instead of walling everyone out like I did, try to accept the hands they are offering to you. Otherwise you'll end up like me, and believe me when I say it's not pretty at all. I am missing so many pieces, I'm mixed with so much sh*t that I barely feel human anymore.

  Do whatever you want with your lives, but remember that today I gave you a part of me and a choice. A choice I never had."

  Chapter 186 Crucible 3

  With his new body, Lith was capable of lifting an adult with one hand and of running as fast as a magical beast for several minutes before getting tired. Yet after giving that speech he was already panting.

  Speaking those words out loud had been one of the most difficult things he had ever done. Opening up, willingly showing his weakness, it went against everything he lived for during his past three lives.

  It was the closest thing he had ever done close to self-injuring himself, forcing so many old wounds to open up and bleed in public. He still had so many things that he wanted to say, how he envied every single one of them, even Quylla, for being born with talent in a world that gave them limitless potential.

  They were so young, while he felt so bitter and old. They could
take whatever path they wanted in life, while he was struck on a one-way railroad.

  "I already said too much. If I keep going, I'll do more damage than good to them. Unlike me, they are really children. Their minds are still frail, they need time to really understand what they have just heard."¨C

  Everyone in the room was crying, even Lith and Solus. She had no tears to shed, yet Lith could perceive her suffering like he did for those physically present. Unlike them, though, that were temporarily being swayed by fleeting emotions, Solus was also happy for the small, painful step forward Lith had just taken.

  "I think we are done here." Lith said wiping away the only two tears he had shed.

  "I won't outstay my welcome, so I'll take my leave."

  He walked out of the door without turning back, until he felt a small body hugging him from behind.

  "I'm so sorry for saying all those things back then, about you hunting and killing people being cool." Quylla was bawling her eyes out.

  "I never stopped to think how hard such a life had to be on you. Despite having gone through so many hardships myself, I could only picture you like one of those heroes from my books, capable of shrugging everything off with a smile.

  I just stood there, watching you from a distance only thinking about myself and never caring for your feeling. If there's something, anything I can do for you, even if you only want to talk, just say the word."

  Lith turned around without escaping from her embrace, but not returning it either.

  "Thanks for your words, but I think you are letting this thing go to your head." He patted her head kindly, running his hand through her hair.

  "You have nothing to apologize for. I didn't tell you guys all those things because I wanted your pity or compassion, but only because I believe you needed to hear them before deciding what you want to do with your lives.

  Now that you know who I am, I need you to calm down and reflect about all that has happened during this year. You should never make important decisions when you are emotional, or you'll do and say things you'll end up regretting in the future.