“For coming. I know I must seem erratic.”
She raised her eyebrows, her only acknowledgement of his statement.
“I just couldn’t leave you alone. God, what you must be thinking of me,” he started. “I mean, I never meant to put you in the middle of something you have no idea about.”
“You’re like an animal with a thorn in its paw,” she said. “Ever since I met you you’ve pulled me in and then pushed me away and yet every time you’re near me I can feel….”
“Go on,” he urged, his body language bracing as if he were waiting for a verbal attack.
“I think you hate me.”
His startled expression made it clear that wasn’t what he was expecting. He made a rough snort of surprise. “Why would I hate you?”
“Because I think I make you feel something.”
He leaned over and rested his elbows on his knees, his body hunching over as if he were trying to fold in on itself. As if his big body was in pain. She understood it, even heard it in his voice. Unknowingly he had dropped his guard for a tiny bit and she saw a side of him that surprised her, a hurt that discolored his soul. She rose from the chair and walked slowly to him, her hand feathering back some of his soft hair.
“There’s a wall that you present to the world and everyone is kept behind it. I haven’t known you long, but I know I’m behind that wall too.”
He sucked in air quickly, harshly, as if he had just run a long distance. “Thea, please stop.”
“Do you want me to go?”
“Yes. No.”
“That’s not confusing at all,” she muttered.
“I know.”
They stared at one another for a long moment. She tried to figure out what was going through his head.
“What is it, Paden? Whatever it is, can you just let it go and talk to me?”
Instantly, she knew it was the wrong thing to have said. He pulled back, anger bracketing his mouth once more.
“Let it go? Can you let it go, Thea? Don’t think I don’t realize what gives you nightmares.” He abruptly stood, putting space between them. “You think you can walk into my memories and figure out all there is to know about me?” As soon as the words left his mouth she saw his eyes widen. “Damn it,” he muttered. He closed his eyes briefly.
Thea took another look around the empty room, and knew, somehow it was part of what made him who he was.
“You’re yelling at me,” she said calmly, “because I’ve hit a nerve. I think I’ve been hitting that nerve a lot lately. All right Paden, yes, my life was great and I had a great family, but they’re dead now. And I may have come to Alaska to run from it, but at least I did it to keep on living. But what about you? Is this you?” she asked, flinging open her arms to encompass the empty room. “There’s nothing here, Paden! Is this what’s inside of you? Nothing?”
He didn’t answer. A minute went by, and then two. And Thea got fed up with him. She was done with trying to bang her head against a wall. She turned away and started putting her winter garb back on.
“My first memory is of being on water,” he said, out of the blue, so low she barely heard him at all. “All my life I’ve been connected to it. I never thought I’d live away from it…until I had to leave.”
He fell silent again, thinking. She waited, her hand on the zipper of her coat.
She took off her coat and dropped it. “What happened?” she asked.
He shut his eyes for a brief moment, as if gathering strength. When he opened them, she was shocked at the raw pain that radiated from them. “My father is the founder and chief designer of Navires Yachts, one of the most exclusive and expensive yachts in the world. The headquarters of his company is in Miami, where the majority of the boats are made.”
“You’re an heir to a yachting dynasty?” she asked dubiously.
“Surprised?”
“Yeah, just a bit.”
“I used to go to the docks all the time. Hang out on the boats, fish. Pretend I was a pirate. You know, teenage boy stuff. But when I was thirteen…”
His voice faded off.
“Paden?”
His face crumpled as tears welled up. They streamed down his cheeks. Paden took several deep breaths as he wiped his eyes.
“He held me down,” he said. His gaze focused on some point in the past she couldn’t see. “You would think a thirteen year old boy could fight off an attack, but you can’t. Because you don’t know what’s happening to you. You freeze. Then he was on me. Touching me. R-raping me.”
He rose and began to pace, a mixture of anger and pain radiating in painful waves. The horror of his words robbed her of breath.
“After…after…I couldn’t stand being on a boat. I hated looking at the marina. It became my nightmare. He took that from me. Not just my innocence, but the only world I knew. How could I go back there? How could I care about anything when everything was stolen from me?”
Thea wished she knew the right words to comfort him, but she was still reeling from his words.
“What that man did to me…he might as well have killed me, because I was dead inside. So I wanted to let you know that it’s not you, Thea. I’m still not right. After, well, after I couldn’t talk about it.”
“You never told your parents?”
“How could I? I was so ashamed I let it happen. I stopped doing things. I retreated into my own world. I couldn’t let myself feel anything because if I did the monster came to life.”
“Monster?”
“That’s what I call it,” he whispered achingly. “That man put something dark and hateful inside me and it makes me do hurtful things. I just want you to know that I…I’m sick inside.”
His face was turned away from her, his jaw locked in place, as if afraid he’d say something more. He looked so lost to her, so defeated that it broke her heart. Without thinking, she walked over to him and cupped his face and brought it back to hers.
“I’m not scared of you, Paden,” she whispered. “Whatever darkness is inside you doesn’t scare me.”
She kissed him softly on the lips, once and then twice, pressing hers against the seam of his mouth. Then she rubbed her cheek against his and his composure broke. His arms came around her as he pulled her into him, the dam finally breaking completely. He sobbed as years of poison came pouring out. They sank to the floor.
Time passed, and eventually, so did the storm. His tears stopped and he lay limp in her embrace. As much as he hurt, she knew it was a stepping stone to start his healing process. That step she understood because she’d had her own not too long ago.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said.
“I’m not. You needed this.”
“For a long time I suppressed all feeling.” He took a deep breath and pulled out of her arms. “It’s almost too much.”
“I know. After Caleb and I decided not to marry, I had my own breakdown.”
He looked interested. “And did it help?”
“Believe it or not, yes. This whole journey to Alaska has been a healing one for me.”
“I’m not used to feeling,” he said. “I’ve shut it down since it happened.”
“Listen to me,” she said, cupping his face. “You did what you had to do. You survived, and now, you can survive this.”
They stared at each other for a long moment, and then Paden leaned forward and hugged her tight, finding her mouth with his. The kiss was frenzied, insistent, and a warning flag went off inside her head.
“Wait!” she gasped when she pulled back. “You’re not ready for this.”
“I want you,” he said.
“Paden-”
He kissed her again. Possessive, dominant yet tender, a heady combination that sent her senses spinning. All her arguments fled as she slipped her arms around him, hugging his waist, feeling the strength rippling through him and a little moan escaped her throat.
Immediately, he swept her up into his arms, not breaking the contact with his mouth. He carried h
er, though she was hardly aware of where they went. Up, up the stairs to his bedroom where the only light came from the glow of the fireplace below. He laid her in the middle of his bed, falling upon her, cradled between her legs.
His hands roved over her body, unzipping her pants to ease his hand inside, under her panties to find the slickness of her core. One finger eased in and she moaned, lifting her hips. His thumb rubbed her clit, teasing the sensitive nub. Her body tightened and she panted, her hips bucking against the fingers driving her crazy.
As he tugged at her shirt, hurrying to unbutton it to reveal her thermal undershirt, the next few moments were all about getting her naked. Once she lay before him, exposed, he took a moment to stare at her while running a hand over her skin. Over her breasts, teasing the nipples to pucker. Thea shifted restlessly, arching her back to get him to touch her more.
His fingers trailed down, over the concave contour of her belly, into the red curls hiding her femininity. He shifted lower, parting her folds as his mouth settled on her aching clit.
She moaned in pleasure, bucking hard against his mouth. He sucked her deep, his tongue probing into her opening and licking it. She clutched uselessly at his hair, either urging him on or trying to make him leave, she wasn’t sure. She wanted more, she wanted to feel all of him. He moved back long enough to rid himself of his pants, leaving on his long sleeved shirt, then pressed against her. Hip to hip. Skin to skin. He raised up between her legs, holding firm to her thighs. In one thrust he entered her.
She cried out as pleasure exploded.
“God!” he groaned. “You feel so good.”
He held still as they adjusted. Savoring the feeling of one another.
“Thea,” he whispered as he lowered his chest towards her. His hands moved up to encase hers and their fingers entwined together.
“Yes,” she moaned as she moved her hips.
That was all the encouragement he needed. He surged, burying himself deep, this time banging that spot inside that liquefied her bones. Again and again he thrust, the pace slow at first then increasing with every breath, every heartbeat. He created a rhythm that cascaded quickly. He trembled, so she opened her eyes to watch him, watched as reached for something although she couldn’t tell what.
Her orgasm rose up, balancing her on the edge of the precipice, when he suddenly pulled out of her and moaned. A warm stickiness covered her and she looked down, noticing something red. Instantly all the pleasure fled, and in horror, she saw blood.
Everywhere.
It was everywhere. The thick stickiness pooling like a crimson river, running into the white sheets. For a second, she was thrust back to that night. Thea’s terror melted away the erotic euphoria she had held a moment before. Incomprehension filled her as Paden gave one more surge with his body, before falling limply on her.
He had passed out, either from the loss of blood or from the climax, she didn’t know. She lay on her back, her lungs compressed from his weight, her mind numb. Where did the blood come from? Her or him? She wiggled from under him and pushed him on his back, seeing a deep wound on his leg. Blood still pumped from the gash.
She almost gagged. The bile in her stomach churned threatening to spew forth. She reached for their clothing, grabbing his shirt and pushing it tightly against the wound. A small, paring knife fell out of the material. Shaking, her hands and arms seeming to have a mind of their own. Her teeth chattered even though she wasn’t the least bit cold.
After wrapping it around his thigh and tying the shirt she scampered back until her back hit a wall. She sat with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them and rocked, knowing that she should get up and get help yet unable to move one muscle. She saw the blood on her hands, on her legs, on her torso and it was hard for her to breathe, as if all motor functions had ceased.
I have to call someone, she thought, but the blood…there’s so much blood….
Chapter Thirteen
Paden’s eyes fluttered as they opened. For the first time that he could remember, he felt a deep and wonderful contentment. He saw his ceiling, the exposed mahogany beams set amidst the white painted wall and stretched. Immediately, pain shot through him, registering down to his leg.
“Christ!” he said gruffly, reaching down. He felt gauze and tape instead of skin. He looked at the bandage and memories immediately snapped into place. “Thea?”
He pushed himself up on his elbows, the blanket bunching around his waist, and saw Miki sitting in the corner in his recliner, watching him. His heart sank as embarrassment made his face flush. Miki sat perfectly still, her face carefully blank, hiding any thought or emotion, making it difficult for him to read.
“Where’s Thea?”
“She’s napping at the medical center,” Miki replied blandly. “Doc gave her a sedative when her hysteria wouldn’t subside.”
“Hysteria?”
Miki nodded. “It seems she suffers from hemophobia. That’s a fear of blood, if you didn’t know.”
“Christ,” he muttered again, lying back down. He ran a hand down his face.
“I found the knife.” He opened his eyes and saw Miki holding the missing one from the set. “I’ll be taking this with me.”
He swallowed thickly and covered his eyes with his arm, shutting her out. His worst fear had just come to light. His monster had been discovered.
“Listen, Paden, what you do with yourself is your business, and the Doc and I, we aren’t going to talk. Your secret is safe. But I think you should probably stay away from Thea.”
He nodded under his arm, agreeing.
“I’ll make sure she’s not in the restaurant at night so you can come eat. Okay? Okay.” He heard her rising from the chair and leaving, her footsteps echoing through the near empty house. Only when the front door opened and closed did he let the tears leak.
Thea had given herself so trustingly and he had destroyed it. It almost killed him to think her memory of him was now tainted with something dark and twisted and immoral. He hated himself so much in that moment that he could have easily appeased the monster more by finishing himself off if Miki hadn’t taken his only knife.
“Mother fucker!”
And he especially hated the feeling of his demon almost purring with content as he considered such a fate.
Chapter Fourteen
Thea moaned, her body twitching as she struggled to pull herself from the dream. She felt someone pat her arm and her eyes flew open. For a moment she had no recollection of where she was. Everything was unfamiliar. Dim light diffusing through the window showed a white, sterile room. A small sink, a large garbage can with a red liner, and various transparent jars with all types of medical paraphernalia.
“Panthea?” a warm, comforting voice asked.
She squeaked a little as she jumped in fright, her eyes quickly swinging around to see a small, white haired man sitting next to her. He had glasses perched on the end of his nose with inquisitive blue eyes staring at her.
“Doctor Wilson?”
He smiled at her. “How’s your anxiety, m’dear?”
All at once it came back to her. Paden, the sex, the knife; she trembled remembering the knife and the blood. God! All the blood!
“I-I think I’m going to be sick,” she warned as she covered her mouth with her hand.
In a flash, Dr. Wilson had a bowl under her mouth as she gagged. Bile burned as it spewed forth. She grimaced and laid back down.
“I think I’m going to need my medicine,” she admitted in a low voice.
“Yes, I figured as much,” he replied. “I had Miki run and get them.”
He rose and headed to the sink where he put the bowl before getting a little disposable cup from the cupboard. He filled it with water and walked back to her, holding it out. When she took it, he reached in his pocket and brought out her medicine bottle, shaking a little blue pill. He handed it to her and she sat up to swallow it.
“Does that make you drowsy?”
&
nbsp; “Not really,” she answered, with a shake of her head. “Not anymore. In the beginning all I did was sleep, but now it just helps take off the edge.”
“It’s pretty strong,” he observed. “Of course, so was the sedative I gave you.”
“Thank you,” she whispered. “I haven’t been that bad for a long time. It was the blood. Oh God! It was all over me!” She buried her face in her hands. “How could he do that? Why would he do that?”
The chair squeaked as the doctor sat back down.
“Well,” he began. “It would be unethical of me to discuss Paden’s problems. But I can tell you that his intention was not to hurt you.”
It took a moment for that to sink into her already troubled thoughts. She raised her face and glanced at him, a perplexed frown creasing her forehead. “What does that mean? Are you saying he…he hurts himself on purpose?”
He rubbed his chin and she could see he was wrestling with what he could tell her. “Sometimes pain can’t manifest in grief,” he finally said. He stood up. “I’ve got to give Miki a call. She wanted to know the moment you woke up.”
He gave her a wide, warm smile and left, closing the door to the small exam room behind him with a firm click. The sound echoing against the confusion whirling in her head.
******
Back in her room at Miki’s, Thea lay in bed with her eyes wide open, unable to sleep. Only the thin trickle of light from under the door kept the dark from being overwhelming. She was afraid of closing her eyes, afraid of the nightmare coming back. She thought she had been getting better, but not now. Paden had wiped out months of therapy in a single night.
She shuddered, desperately trying to rebury the memory of his blood. She did not want to remember what had happened. She did not want to remember the knife. Her stomach recoiled and for a moment she thought she might have to make a dash for the bathroom, but she swallowed reflexively and the churning in her gut subsided.
Tears leaked from her eyes, rolling across her temples to disappear into her hair. Her pillowcase was damp from all the tears that had slipped down her face. She had called Miki that night and she had come racing over in record time. Thea had retreated to the wall again, her arms encircling her knees as she rocked herself, unable to stop shaking. Miki had taken care of everything, bandaging Paden’s leg without one word or question about what had happened. Thea vaguely remembered anything from that night, only flashes of Miki dressing her, driving her back into town, and Doc Wilson as he injected something in her arm.
Love Story for a Snow Princess Page 7
