She had slept for a long time, lost in oblivion. When she had woken up all she wanted was another shot, to forget, but Miki had brought her back to Hank’s room where she immediately retreated into sleep.
However, sleep wasn’t the peaceful escape she craved. Again and again she was in the car, her sister on one side of her and her brother on the other. Her mother and father were talking, laughing, and the next second the sound of metal as the car flipped and rolled.
Thea always awoke to the taste of blood gagging her. She had learned, thank God, over the past few months not to wake up screaming. The last thing she wanted was to scare Miki.
When the light under the door went out, Thea turned onto her side, curling up and squeezing her eyes shut tightly. She hated the dark.
******
Eventually, Thea made trips out of the room, visiting the bathroom or drinking some water, always when Miki was gone. Slowly, guilt started eating through the haze of shock and grief. Miki had hired her to help out and she had turned into a lump.
On the third day, Thea rose and took a shower. She dressed and made her way out of the apartment, down the back stairs to the restaurant. As she stepped in, Miki smiled widely at her.
“Glad to see you back to work,” Miki said by way of greeting. “The old biddies by the fire need a round of refills.”
Thea slowly got back into the swing of things, filling coffee mugs and the occasional shot of whiskey. Toothless Jim gave her a hug, asking if she felt better after her cold, the excuse Miki told everyone why Thea wasn’t working.
At lunch, Caleb Tasker walked into the Suinnak and sat at a table. Smiling, Thea walked over to him. He rose and they hugged.
“You look tired,” he murmured, studying her face.
She shrugged. “I just got over a little cold. What are you doing here?”
“Food. Company. You.”
She blinked and gave a shy smile. “I can get you the first two.”
“But not the last?”
“Caleb-”
“Wait,” he said, holding up a hand. “We’ll start with the first two.”
“Coffee?”
“I’d love some.”
He stayed through lunch, eating some stew as he sat with Toothless Jim, Perry, Frank and a few other regulars. Thea caught herself looking at him often, smiling as he laughed at something someone said, seeing how he enjoyed himself in a crowd. For a moment, her mind wandered as she asked herself why Paden couldn’t be more like him.
She shook her head and silently cursed herself. Paden Winters was the last man she wanted to think about. In fact, sometime in the past few days she had come to the conclusion that it was time to go home. She had been foolish in thinking she could find a new life in River Ice, in the far northern territory of Alaska. She had realized that she had come for all the wrong reasons and that only by confronting the painful memories of the past could she actually be free from the nightmares.
Of course, all the self-help books she had read in the past year had told her that, but it only sank in from practical application.
“Caleb sure is looking fine,” Miki murmured.
“W-what?” Thea stammered, pulled from her private musings.
“Caleb Tasker,” Miki nodded in his direction. “Never realized what a fine looking man he is.”
Thea’s eyes widened. “Miki, are you sweet on him?”
Miki’s startled eyes swung to her. “I was thinking about you. You know, you and he were going to get married not too long ago.”
“I remember,” Thea said dryly.
“Seems mighty interesting that he’s in today.”
“Hasn’t he been in before?”
“Yeah,” Miki said reluctantly.
“Then not so strange he comes in for lunch.”
Miki huffed. “I’m just saying-”
“Hey Miki, have you heard from Hank?”
Miki blinked at the change of subject. “Actually, yes. Last night.”
“When will he be flying back to River Ice?”
“He said he should be in by the middle of next week. He’s been flying assignments back and forth from Nome to Fairbanks to Bethel. Why?”
Thea sighed. “I think it’s time I go home.”
“Home? But I thought you didn’t want to go back to Malibu.”
“You’re right, Malibu isn’t where I want to stay but I can’t keep hiding, can’t keep running. They would never forgive me if I just ran forever.”
Miki held her arms open and Thea stepped in them, closing her eyes against the warm comfort of her friend.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you for being such a great friend.”
“Anytime.”
Chapter Fifteen
Somehow it wasn’t just coincidence when Caleb walked into the Suinnak’s the next day for lunch again. He smiled at Thea, took a seat at one of the tables near the fire pot, and waited as she walked toward him.
“Lunch again?” she asked him with a soft smile.
“Can you eat with me?”
“I, ah-”
“Of course she can!” Miki called out as she walked by. “I’ll bring you both a caribou steak sandwich.”
And she was off through the kitchen. Thea, her mouth hanging open, gave a sheepish look at Caleb and then had to chuckle. Miki was a force to be reckoned with. Thea sat opposite Caleb. It wasn’t hard to look at him; in the daylight he was even more handsome than she remembered.
“So, you know that the end of September marks the end of tourist season, right?”
“Yeah, Miki told me, but I hadn’t thought about it. I mean, I’ve not seen any tourists except for myself.”
“Yeah, that early winter storm prevented the last wave of people. But River Ice has a wonderful tradition of an End of Year Dance, held at the Municipal Auditorium at the other side of town.”
“Black tie affair?” she teased.
He laughed. “How about freshly washed flannel affair?”
“I think I can work with that.”
“Do you think you would like to go with me?”
The offer startled her. “Are you asking me on a date?”
He nodded, his eyes solemn.
“What about Claire?”
He took a deep breath. “The other night I went to bed and realized I hadn’t looked at the stove.” He smiled at her raised eyebrows. “I can’t say she isn’t still always on my mind, but I have this need now, to start…burying her.”
Thea reached out and held his hand, squeezing to let him know she supported him.
He cleared his throat. “So, I wanted to say thank you. And invite you to the dance on Friday night.”
Paden flashed through her mind, the agony on his face as he talked about his past. Unlike Caleb he hadn’t yet gone through the realization stage that he needed to let go.
Or had he? she wondered.
Was that why he couldn’t stop himself from hurting himself? Because he hadn’t yet confronted, face to face, what happened to him?
“If you’d rather not-” Caleb murmured.
“Of course I’ll go!” she interrupted quickly. “I’d love to attend with you,” she added softly.
Chapter Sixteen
By Friday, most of the snow had melted, which was nice considering many of the local women wanted to wear dresses to the dance, Thea included. She dug deep into the bottom of her suitcase and found the pale blue chiffon dress she had packed for her wedding day. How ironic to be wearing it for Caleb but not for the intended purpose. She hung it in the bathroom so the shower steam would iron out the slight wrinkles. The dress was totally impractical but Thea didn’t care. She’d be leaving possibly by the middle of next week and she wanted to have a night to remember.
Again, Paden snuck into her thoughts. She hadn’t seen him since Saturday, since the night they had sex. The shock and anger had faded into a dull ache, and she found herself almost sad now whenever she thought of that night. It had started out so beautiful.
Yet, there was something charming about the hanging disco ball with twirling reflective lights scattering around. Men were groomed with their hair slicked back and she counted more bowties in the room than probably existed in all of LA. Some women wore nice dresses but some wore everyday casual pants and shirts complete with flats. Only a few had on high heels, Thea included. And the fact that she wore a pair of Christian Louboutin’s wasn’t lost on the female population. Though they were last season’s collection, the crepe satin and blush lace Fortitia sandals were a pair that she had splurged on right before coming to Alaska. The red soled shoes were something she had always wanted but didn’t have the heart to spend too extravagantly on.
Until she had decided to get married.
Now, she was just glad she got a chance to wear them before flying back to California.
When the Titanic soundtrack finished, the music from Braveheart started. There had to be something funny that the only music for such a festive occasion came from sad endings.
People greeted them as they moved through the auditorium. There were several men Thea was surprised to see dressed up, including Toothless Jim. Caleb placed his coat on a chair at one table and Thea did the same, not worrying the least as she laid down her handbag on the table top. Caleb took her hand and led her to the dance floor, gathering her close to his body as he enfolded her into his warmth.
She leaned on him and eventually, the gradual movement of their swaying bodies had her eyes closing. If only it had been Caleb’s touch that had made her blood burn and brought her body to life. Immediately she thought of Paden, saw him in her mind’s eye, and remembered his hard body pressed against hers. She’d had several days away from him, and she had wanted to hate him, to fear him. But the more she didn’t want to think of him, the more her mind kept straying back. The sound of his voice, the fear in his eyes, the shame on his face, all of it tore at her heart.
She opened her eyes and immediately locked gazes with Paden. He had dressed for the dance, his hair slicked back, hanging a little long over his collar. He wore a suit with no tie, keeping his dress smart and casual at the same time. He outshone every man here and he made her heart beat fast. She stopped dancing, forcing Caleb to look down at her. She could feel his confusion as he glance from her to Paden and back again.
“Excuse me, Caleb,” she murmured, breaking eye contact with Paden to glance up at her date. “Do you mind if we sit down for a bit?”
“Of course not,” he said and walked her to the table. “Would you like a drink?”
“Um, yes,” she answered. “Water, please.”
He left her alone at the table, and just as she thought, Paden immediately came over to her.
“Thea.”
She looked up at him. His tone had been low, bleak, much like the darkness in his green eyes. She didn’t want to see him, to look upon him, but her heart wasn’t about to let go so easily.
“Paden,” she whispered.
“I’d like to talk to you,” he said.
She shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a wise-”
“Please, Thea,” he interrupted. The word was thick in his throat. “I would never hurt you.”
Against her own better judgment, she found herself nodding. “Where?”
“We don’t have to leave the dance,” he assured her. “There are a few offices in the back where we can have a few minutes of privacy.”
She rose and saw Caleb walking back to the table.
“Hey Paden,” Caleb said, holding out his hand.
Paden shook it. “If you don’t mind, there’s something I need to discuss with Thea. I’ll have her back as soon as possible.”
Caleb frowned. “Can’t it wait?”
“I promise it’ll just be a few minutes.”
Caleb looked at Thea. “Well, it’s up to her, of course.”
Thea touched Caleb’s arm. “I’ll be right back.”
As he nodded, Paden pointed the way out a side door and followed after her, taking her hand as they exited out of the auditorium into a dark hallway. He led her to a door and opened it, leading her in. She stood in darkness until he turned on the desk lamp, waiting.
He didn’t turn fully around right away, only ran a hand over the back of his neck. “Thank you, I know it can’t be easy to trust me.”
“Cutters don’t hurt others, though, do they?”
Startled, he turned to look at her. “How did-”
“It wasn’t hard to figure out,” she answered quickly, interrupting him.
He sighed. “Doctors diagnosed me as having a borderline personality disorder with self-harming tendencies when I was sixteen. Did you know there’s a manual for mental disorders? It’s listed as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Or the DSM for short.”
He turned his face away. She could see he was struggling with something. Embarrassment perhaps?
“Why do you cut yourself?”
He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. There was something utterly bleak in his stark profile, something that was hurting him. Something he was too proud to admit. And then it all clicked into place and her heart just up and started to weep for him.
“It was him, wasn’t it?” she said softly and saw his body jerk. His mouth compressed into a thin line. “The man who abused you?”
“I don’t really want to talk about this.”
He tried to turn away from her. She grabbed his shoulders and yanked him back. “You brought me here, so you may not want to talk about it but I need to understand. Please, Paden.”
Her hand drifted over the healed lacerations on his arm. He grabbed it and brought it to rest upon his chest. She saw the blood again, the knife coming down and slicing through his skin. The pain wasn’t a pleasant thought; it was a horrible, nauseating picture.
“After the…incident…it kept playing over and over in my mind. I didn’t know how to handle it so I shut it down. If I didn’t feel anything about it, then it couldn’t hurt me.” He shook his head. “One day, about a year later, I was eating an apple with a knife and cut my finger. That brief sting of pain brought…clarity. It brought a rush of emotion without me thinking about what had happened.”
He paused and took a deep breath.
She waited, knowing he had more.
“That’s when I started cutting myself,” he said tonelessly. “It was a way to cope. I didn’t want to remember that day. I didn’t want to think about it. And every time I sliced into my arm, I heard it.”
“Heard what?”
“The monster inside, telling me to cut out my feelings, all I had to do was cut myself.”
Thea shivered at the monotone admission.
“I knew what I was doing. Knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop. It got so bad I finally told my parents, who took me to every shrink and doctor in the world. For years I was in and out of institutions, on medications, trying every new magical potion that popped up. Finally, when I turned twenty-five I was done with it. I had read a new approach to self-harming that described a life devoid of the trigger which turned on the monster.”
“What was the approach?”
“Alaska. Complete isolation. I turned my back on my parents, my life, everything. I had this house built and started m
y own comic book so I could live and be autonomous.”
“Did it work?”
“Yes! For ten years I had silence. I got rid of my bandages. I bought a knife set. And every time I had emotions I would distract myself with writing, or hiking, or any other outdoor activity.” He looked at her with eyes bloodshot red. “Until you came along. Until I saw the pain in your eyes. And the monster roared to life.”
“Then it’s my fault.”
He shook his head. “Of course it isn’t, Thea. I’m the sick fuck, not you.”
“Don’t say that! You are not sick!” she said sharply. She blinked and gave a self-depreciating snort as she remembered the Doc’s words. “Some pain can’t be healed by grief. Listen, Paden, everybody has an issue or two to deal with. Look at me. I get hysterical at the sight of blood.”
“From the accident?”
“I was in that wreck, the one that killed my mother and father, sister and brother.” She gave a sarcastic little laugh. “You know what I got? A superficial cut on my knee. My brother’s blood dripped into my mouth and I had a scrape. So issues? Yeah, I have a few myself.”
They lapsed into silence, not sure what to say next.
“Thea,” he finally said. “I care about you.”
She touched his cheek, caressingly, and he closed his eyes as if savoring her touch. “I wish I could help you,” she said.
“I’m irredeemable.”
His eyes opened as his jaw hardened and his shoulders stiffened. Without another word, he turned and left the office, leaving her behind.
Chapter Seventeen
Paden didn’t leave her mind all night, though she hid it well as she laughed and danced with various men, and even once with Miki. She felt proud that not one person could tell how torn she was inside as Paden’s words kept replaying through her mind.
Love Story for a Snow Princess Page 8
