If I Can't Have You

by Iris Morland

  "What am I going to do?"

  "Well, do you have any idea how he feels?"

  Abby shook her head, then nodded, then sighed again. "I mean, he's interested in me—you know what I mean. But sometimes I can't tell what's real and what's not, you know? This whole thing started as a sham. Now I'm wondering if any of it is real."

  "You know what I think?"

  Abby couldn't stop herself from smiling at Megan's lofty tone. "What?"

  "I think Mark made that deal with you because he's lonely and he didn't know how else to talk to you." Megan wrinkled her nose. "Talk about a fucked-up, roundabout way of asking a woman out. What is it with these Thornton men?" She said the last sentence with a mix of exasperation and deep fondness.

  "I think you're right. He told me I could leave anytime without being afraid that he'd say anything. But I didn't want to leave. How is that for fucked up?"

  "Very." Megan smiled. "But I can't judge. Caleb and I were the definition of a screwed-up relationship."

  Reaching for Abby's hands, Megan squeezed them. "Just a word of warning: be very sure you know what you're getting yourself into. If Caleb drives me nuts, then Mark is a whole 'nother level, from what I understand. That man has secrets. He's basically shut himself off from the world."

  Abby squeezed Megan's hands back. "He does. But so do I. And who am I to judge anyone for having secrets?"

  "Well said." Megan rose and opened her office door. "Now let's get some coffee and some pie before you leave, because you definitely need both to deal with this mess."

  Mark stared at the bags of feed, feeling like his brain and his body wouldn't connect. Or maybe it was that his brain was so fixated on how Abby arched her neck as she came. Or how he told himself he should leave her alone, yet that voice inside his head kept shrinking and shrinking with every passing hour.

  When somebody brushed past him to get a bag of feed, he jolted back into reality. Mark got what he needed, paid, and headed out.

  Right before he got to his truck, he saw the two people he never expected to see again: Tina Gage and Aaron Klein. His ex-girlfriend and his ex-best friend, respectively.

  Then again, seeing the wedding rings on their fingers, she'd be Tina Klein now, wouldn't she?

  Tina let out a surprised gasp, her hand instinctively going to her protruding belly. Mark swallowed the bile that had risen in his throat, seeing these two together.

  He'd thought they'd moved away from Fair Haven long ago, but they still had family here, he supposed. And as fate would have it, he'd run into them on the one day he came to town.

  He shifted the bag of feed against his shoulder, refusing to acknowledge them. He wasn't interested in having some polite chat with these two cheaters. He would've let Tina go had she told him that she'd fallen in love with Aaron. It would've hurt, but he wasn't heartless, either.

  But the night he'd found them together in his and Tina's bed? A bitter, all-consuming rage had filled him, so much so that he barely remembered that night. He remembered punching Aaron, and Tina screaming, and all three of them running outside. He remembered the tears coursing down Tina's face as she kept saying how sorry she was.

  "Mark!"

  Mark dumped the bag of feed into the back of his truck before turning around. Tina, damn her to hell, was still as beautiful as he remembered, with her dark auburn hair and dewy skin. She had that pregnancy glow, or whatever it was people said women had when they were going to have a baby. He watched as Aaron put an arm around her, like he needed to protect her from Mark.

  Aaron was blond and of average-height, but he'd had a charisma that had charmed both men and women alike. Aaron could get anyone to do what he wanted, whereas Mark had always been stand-offish and awkward.

  He and Mark had grown up together and had been roommates in college at Western. They'd even discussed starting the ranch together. Tina dating Mark had surprised both men, although in the beginning, Aaron had kept his distance.

  When Tina had left Mark for Aaron, there had been a part of Mark that hadn't been surprised. Why would she choose him over a guy like Aaron, who had everything Mark didn't?

  Mark scowled at the pair as they acted like he was some charging bull. As if he'd been the one to do something wrong in the first place.

  "How are you?" Tina asked. She looked up at Aaron for a brief moment. "It's been a long time," she added softly.

  "Mark," Aaron said. He nodded tightly, wary of this little meeting.

  Mark was fine with that. He had no interest in being friends again with these two. He also refused to act like he still cared about what had happened. It had been five years, hadn't it? What kind of a man locked himself away for that long because of a past hurt?

  "I'm fine. Just getting some feed for my horses."

  "We've heard so much about your ranch. How is that going? Do you like it like you always thought you would?" Tina rubbed her belly, probably not even realizing she was doing it.

  Seeing her pregnant and married, and to the man she'd cheated on him with? It hurt. It sucked. Mark wanted to find the nearest bar and drink himself into a stupor.

  He'd loved Tina beyond anything—beyond what he'd thought was possible for loving a woman. She'd encouraged him to start his ranch and had helped him out of his shell. She'd been his rock, his soulmate, his everything. He'd dreamt of marrying her and having a family with her. He'd even bought her a ring.

  And Aaron had been his friend. He'd trusted Aaron like a brother. He still didn't understand how either of them could've done something like that.

  "The ranch is fine, thanks for asking," he replied. "I should get back to it."

  Aaron gestured toward Mark's arm. "What happened?"

  "Fell off a horse."

  When Mark didn't offer any more information, Aaron cleared his throat. Tina seemed at a loss.

  Although Tina was still beautiful, Mark knew that he didn't long for her like he used to. She didn't have that power over him anymore. And he knew it was because he was no longer in love with her.

  This realization startled him, and at the same time, it freed him. Another face came into his vision—the sweet smile of the woman who'd kissed him so passionately yesterday—and his heart clenched for a different reason.

  "Since Aaron and I are in town for a bit, would you like to get together?" Tina asked, her tone tentative. "Maybe have a cup of coffee?"

  Mark barely restrained a snort. What the hell would we talk about? he wondered. He shook his head. "I can't. I have too much going on."

  Tina's face fell, and Mark felt guilty, which annoyed him further.

  "Have a good afternoon," Mark said.

  The pair murmured the same before they walked away, Aaron's arm still around Tina's waist.

  "Hey Mark," Caleb called out. He wore his police uniform, a cup of coffee in his hand as he approached. "Was that..?" he asked as he peered into the distance.

  Mark's mouth twisted. "Yeah."

  Caleb whistled. "Sorry, man. You want to talk about it?"

  "When do I ever want to talk about it?"

  That made Caleb grin. "Good point. And if I'm being honest, I don't want to talk about it either. Megan makes me talk about my feelings way too much already."

  Looking at Caleb, Mark saw that his brother looked more at peace with himself than he had in a long time. Caleb had lived with the guilt of accidentally killing his best friend in a car accident years ago. Although Mark had known part of the story, Caleb had started talking about it only recently. Mark knew this had been due to Megan's influence.

  Envy nipped at him. What would it be like to have a woman love you—flaws and all—like that? He thought of Abby, and he had to close his eyes for a second to find his bearings.

  "So," Caleb drawled as he leaned against the door of Mark's truck, "I heard that you're dating Abby Davison. The nurse, right?" Caleb cocked an eyebrow. "Considering how you insulted her, I'm dying to hear how you managed that."

  Mark suddenly felt very tired. The las
t thing he wanted to do was explain this bizarre situation of his to his older brother.

  "It's complicated. I have to get going."

  "Fine, leave. I'll get the details from Megan anyway. You'll be home for Thanksgiving, right? Because if you aren't, Mom will never ever forgive you." His face lit up right then. "Oh, and Lizzie will be in town."

  "For real this time?"

  Lizzie was a musician who traveled the country with her band. She hadn't been home for at least three years, her excuses ranging from not having time between gigs or not wanting to spend the money. But everybody had a feeling it was a someone who kept her away.

  "For real this time. She sent Mom her plane ticket info and everything, and you know you can't get those things refunded." Caleb's walkie-talkie sounded; he slapped Mark on the shoulder. "See you later. Don't do anything I wouldn't."

  "I'm not that stupid."

  Caleb laughed and gave him the bird, making Mark smile for the first time that day.

  10

  Spending a week in Mark's company, Abby somewhat understood his moods and personality. He had never been chatty, but tonight, he was downright surly. He barely spoke more than five words to her all evening, although he did thank her for dinner.

  "I just ordered pizza," she said, trying to lighten the mood.

  He shrugged.

  She sighed. She wanted to shake him until his teeth rattled. At least it would make her feel better, if it didn't get him to talk. They'd gotten so close yesterday afternoon, and now he was acting like she was some kind of stranger.

  After they finished eating, Mark said something about finishing up some work outside. Abby squinted, looking at the growing dusk outside.

  "What do you have to do right now?" she asked.

  She had a feeling he wanted to avoid her. Can this guy make up his mind already?

  Then again, they weren't in a real relationship. They were...well, Abby didn't know. They were attracted to each other; that wasn't in doubt. This "relationship" was a tangled mess that only got more complicated with each passing day.

  "Need to see to the horses," was his curt answer.

  She watched him leave without protest. Darcy and Wentworth began to twine around her ankles, purring when she reached down to pet them.

  She decided to take a bath and read a book, ignoring Mark for the time being. Around ten, he finally returned inside. She listened as he went to his bedroom and then turned on the water in the master bathroom.

  Abby considered. She was, generally speaking, a logical person. She'd enjoyed her encounter with Mark yesterday; she would also like to continue where they'd left off.

  Abby had always liked sex, but she'd never felt as blown away by it as she had when Mark had touched her. It had been on a new level. Shivering, she felt her body heat from the memory of his kisses.

  So, yes, she wanted him. He wanted her, or he wouldn't have kissed her. They were adults, so if they wanted to have an affair, they should do so without feeling guilty.

  But her heart sank into her toes at the thought of something so...arranged. Why could love never enter the bargain? Derek had discarded her without a second thought, especially after he'd found out she couldn't have children.

  Her heart twisted when she thought of how she'd never feel a child grow inside her. She'd never call her husband to tell him it was time to go to the hospital. She knew she could adopt, but seeing other women get pregnant and give birth only reminded her that she couldn't.

  "I'm not going to sit around and mope," she muttered to Darcy and Wentworth. Neither cat seemed inclined to offer any support for her predicament—typical.

  She wanted to find out what was bothering Mark, even if she had to force it out of him. Knocking on his bedroom door, she waited. When he opened the door, wearing nothing but boxers and no shirt, her mouth watered.

  Lord, he was sexy. That was the only word for it. Sexy, handsome, attractive, delicious...all of those things wrapped up in one hot package.

  "Abby?" He looked surprised to see her, as if he'd forgotten she was down the hall.

  She put her hands on her hips. "What's up with you?" she asked point-blank. She'd discovered the only way to get a real answer from Mark was to be blunt. "You've been acting even weirder than usual tonight."

  Mark opened his mouth, closed it. Then he let out a deep breath. "How could you tell?" He opened the door wider.

  She hadn't expected him to let her into his room. And now she was here in his bedroom, wearing pajamas while Mark only wore boxers. She flushed at how intimate it felt.

  And when he looked at her like he had yesterday afternoon, full of heat and desire? Her heart stuttered.

  She didn't know where to sit. Or did she stand? Sitting meant she'd be staying, but standing seemed awkward. She decided to perch on one of the chairs next to the unused fireplace, pulling her robe closed.

  So much for having an affair, she thought wryly.

  She watched as he slipped on a shirt; he swore a little when he couldn't get his sling through it. She hated that he kept covering that magnificent body in front of her. Then again, she knew she wouldn't be able to concentrate on what he was saying if he were shirtless.

  "What happened?" she asked when he sat down.

  He looked uncomfortable, which only made her sympathize with him more. "Nothing important," he hedged.

  "Uh huh." When he remained silent, she forced the exasperation away.

  "When Derek and I were dating," she said into the silence, "he would get upset about something and then refuse to talk about it. I didn't force him to explain, although I wish that I had at least tried. He kept things so bottled up that eventually, he'd explode."

  That made Mark look at her. His expression darkened. "Did he—?"

  "What? Oh no, nothing like that. He never hurt me. No." Not physically, anyway.

  She shook off the memory of Derek's painful words. "Point is, talking things through can help. Believe me."

  She was a hypocrite, though. Would she tell Mark about how she couldn't have children? How she was afraid that she wasn't worthy of being loved? She didn't know if she'd ever have the courage to tell this secret a second time—even to Mark.

  "Why did you guys break up?" Mark asked.

  Oh God, she didn't want to talk about this, but what had she just said?

  She shrugged. "We dated for four years, and then we grew apart. I decided to end things because he wasn't the right guy for me."

  Mark's eyes narrowed. "Sounds like bull."

  That startled a laugh out of her. "Does it? If I told you that he said I wasn't woman enough for him, would you believe that?"

  "What the fuck?" he growled, his body tensing. "Why the hell would he say something like that?"

  "Because he's an ass." She shrugged, although the old hurt pulsed in her chest. "That's why I broke up with him. Although he wants to get back together now. Weird, right? It's been over a year and suddenly he's realized this?"

  She hadn't meant to tell Mark this, but seeing Mark bristle gave her a thrill. Was he actually jealous?

  Mark scowled. "That guy has more nerve than a fox in a henhouse, and he's a million times more annoying. He must've come to his senses and realized he'll never get a woman better than you. That's why he wants you back."

  Her heart lifted at his words. When he seemed to realize what he'd said, Mark rubbed the back of his neck.

  Abby hummed. "So, I've talked. Your turn."

  He scowled again.

  "Don't give me that look. Otherwise I'll never leave this room."

  At that declaration, his eyes gleamed. "I wouldn't say no to that," he said in a low voice.

  If she was flushed before, now she was an inferno. "Don't change the subject," she replied, ignoring how breathy she sounded. "Tell me what happened."

  "Spoilsport." He inhaled deeply; he grimaced. Then: "I saw my ex today."

  Abby's eyebrows rose. "Seems to be a running theme with us."

  He laughed a little. "
I guess. She was with her husband, and she was pregnant."

  Now Abby was in delicate territory. "Is she the woman in the photo?" she asked quietly.

  "Yeah, but..." Rising, he went to his dresser and pulled out the photo in question. Before Abby could react, he ripped the photo in two. Then fours, and then it was mere confetti that he tossed into the nearby trash can.

  He turned back to Abby. "I should've done that years ago. I don't know why I kept that photo of Tina, because seeing her today reminded me that I'd fallen out of love with her a long time ago."

  Abby's heart pounded so hard she felt dizzy. He didn't love Tina anymore. He'd torn up that photo without a second thought.

  Desire pulsed inside her, throbbing in her veins. She wanted Mark with an intensity that she'd never felt before for any man.

  She rose as he approached her. She only came up to his shoulder. He made her feel impossibly small, yet protected.

  And the look in his eyes? It was filled with so much heat that Abby felt scorched.

  "I don't want to talk about our exes anymore," he rumbled. He touched her hair with gentle fingers.

  She swallowed. "What do you want to talk about?"

  "Nothing." He brushed her bottom lip with his thumb. "I only want to make you mine."

  Abby struggled for breath. He traced her lip with his thumb, and that light touch sent her pulse into overdrive.

  "Tell me you want to stay, Abby." Mark cupped her cheek. "Or I'll let you go and never ask you again."

  She trembled. "Yes, I want to stay," she said without hesitation.

  His eyes flared before he kissed her. They both moaned long and low at the contact. He was all heat and strength, even with his broken arm pressing against her side. When he slicked his tongue inside her mouth, she felt light-headed.

  The man could kiss, she'd give him that. He kissed to seduce, to captivate. Abby couldn't get enough, and when she felt him squeeze her ass, she dug her fingers harder into his shoulder.

  "Take this off," he said, tugging on her robe. "I want to see you."

  "Only if you do the same."

  They both undressed at the same time, although Mark took longer with his broken arm. Abby almost offered to help, but the look in his eyes told her that he wouldn't appreciate the blow to his manhood.