If I Can't Have You

by Iris Morland

  "I thought you should name her," Mark said that afternoon. The foal nursed with gusto, and based on her already gleaming coat, she'd rival her mother for beauty.

  Abby's heart caught in her throat. She had a feeling this was an honor Mark wouldn't bestow on just anyone. Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she replied, "I'll have to think of a good name then."

  He put an arm around her waist, kissing her temple. "I know you will."

  When Abby arrived at work later that evening, she found Janine in a tizzy. Two other nurses had called in sick with the flu, and now they were short-staffed.

  Janine threw her hands up in the air. "And I just got another kid in here with a broken wrist that needs to be set, and a hysterical mother whose toddler has the croup—"

  Abby took the charts that Janine had handed her. "We'll get these all sorted out. How about you go work with the toddler and I'll get this wrist set."

  "Pray that we don't get anything else because God knows who will be handling them!"

  Abby knew that staying focused, calm, and organized could make or break a shift with as many mishaps as this one. One patient became aggressive when Abby tried to take his blood pressure, while another patient fainted when they had to draw her blood.

  Gloria, another RN on staff, arrived to help a few hours into their shift. An older woman with a steady resolve and a sweet bearing, she was exactly what they needed in this chaos.

  "Go take a break," she told Abby, seeing how exhausted she was. "You look like you're about to fall over."

  It was close to two AM already. Abby yawned, wishing she'd slept in today, but the foal's birth had made sleep impossible. And then making love with Mark afterward...

  She shivered at the second memory. She sat down in the break room and drank a hot cup of coffee that tasted like dishwater, but the heat was soothing. Thank God she had tomorrow off.

  She needed to think of a name for the foal, didn't she? Getting out her phone, she started to search for suitable names. She wanted something that meant lucky or miraculous. She dismissed a number of choices before she found the perfect one: Mirielle, French for miracle.

  She hoped Mark didn't expect her to name the foal something less girly, she thought with a soft laugh. He had told her she could choose whatever name she wanted.

  Someone entered the break room. Glancing up from her phone to greet whoever it was, Abby felt the words die in her throat.

  It was Derek. Here, at her work, at two in the morning.

  He smiled at her, but it was a smile that sent warning bells off in her mind.

  She stood up slowly. "Derek? What are you doing here?"

  He gestured for her to sit back down. "They told me you were in here, so I decided to come find you. Sit. Let's talk."

  She glanced at the clock. "I need to get back to work. You should go home. It's late." As she tried to move past him, he caught her arm, barring her from leaving.

  "We need to talk," he said with a hard squeeze on her arm. "Sit."

  She considered screaming, but she'd chosen the break room far from the main nurses' station. No one would hear her. Stupid, she berated herself.

  "How did you find me again?" she asked as she sat down on the edge of a chair.

  "One of the nurses said you were on break, and I remembered that you liked this room while we dated. I put two and two together." He shrugged. "I'm glad I caught you. You're a difficult woman to find these days."

  She once again glanced at the clock. "I'm more wondering why you're here in the middle of the night."

  "When I came in earlier today, they said you had the evening shift. I waited up for you."

  Her blood chilled at how easily he'd gotten this information. She needed to have a talk with the staff as soon as possible.

  Her main concern, however, was why her ex-boyfriend was so intent on finding her.

  "I don't know what you want to talk about." She kept her voice calm and measured.

  "Stop playing games, Abby. You already know what I want: I want you."

  She dug her fingers into her palms to hide their trembling. "I told you already that that wasn't going to happen. My answer isn't going to change."

  A dark look came over his features, but it disappeared in the next instant. "I don't get why you're playing hard to get." He seemed genuinely confused. "This isn't like you."

  "I'm not playing anything." She added in a firmer voice, "I'm dating someone else. We're over, Derek."

  Derek's cheeks reddened, agitation clear in his expression. He got up to pace.

  "We're meant to be together. Why don't you understand that? I should never have let you go." He moved toward her and tried to grab her hand, but she wrenched her arm away.

  Standing up, she backed toward the door. "Leave me alone. This is enough. I'm calling security." She reached for the doorknob behind her, but Derek saw her movement before she could open the door.

  He wrenched her aside before he slammed and locked the door. The click of the lock sent terror through Abby.

  "Why are you doing this?" she whispered.

  Derek cornered her, gripping her wrist so hard it hurt. Although he wasn't much bigger than her, he could seriously hurt her if she tried to escape his grasp.

  She only hoped she could talk him down, convince him to see reason.

  "I want you back," he said, touching her face. She turned away.

  He scowled. "I love you, Abby. Don't you get that? I've always loved you. I didn't want us to break up, but you insisted. I've seen how wrong I was to let you go."

  He grasped her chin and tried to kiss her, but she slapped him hard enough that he let her go.

  Darting behind a chair, she tried to catch her breath. "We're not getting back together. I'm not going to change my mind."

  Her fear changed into anger in that moment, disgust lacing her voice. "I'm not in love with you anymore," she said, watching Derek pale. And then, the clincher: "I never loved you in the first place."

  Derek stalked toward her. He tried to grab her again, but she snagged a small knife that had been left on the counter.

  "Don't touch me," she hissed. "Get out of here before I call the cops and have you arrested." She edged toward the exit, knife in hand.

  He rolled his eyes. "You always get so emotional, Abby. Put the knife down. You know you love me; you're just being stubborn."

  A red haze covered her vision, and she trembled from sheer rage. Derek had treated her like she was disposable, and his words had haunted her for months. Now he had the gall to act like she'd come running back to him?

  "You love me. I know you do," he crooned. "Come on, Abs. Give me the knife."

  "Get away from me! I don't love you." She trembled, not even realizing what she was saying. "I don't love you because I'm in love with Mark."

  Everything crystallized in that moment. She couldn't move, and she couldn't speak.

  Oh my God, what have I done?

  Her words only enraged Derek further. "That guy? What do you even know about him? Just another rich boy who used his parents' money to get where he is. Some loner who nobody likes. Why else would he live by himself out there in the middle of nowhere?" His expression turned into a sneer. "And why would you think he'd ever love somebody like you?"

  She expected his words to hurt, but this time, they didn't. She was immune to them because Derek didn't have the power to hurt her anymore.

  "For your information, he accepts me as I am. He's not a lowlife like you." She smiled a little, remembering how angry Mark's reaction was to her confession. "He's a good man."

  Derek was incredulous. "You told him how you can't have kids? That you're only half a woman?"

  "I did tell him, although it's none of your business. Like I said, he isn't a jackass like you."

  Derek stared at her before he started to move toward her again. Abby raised the knife higher, which only made him smile, his eyes crinkling.

  "I wonder if you'd be so brave if I said that I could ruin
the man you love."

  At her widening eyes, he smiled until his teeth flashed in the fluorescent light. "That got your attention, didn't it? If I can't convince you to come back to me, I can at least prove to you that if you're with anyone else, they'll suffer for it."

  Now he got close enough to touch her. He reached out to caress a tendril of hair that had fallen from her ponytail.

  Abby was frozen, her fingers hurting from gripping the knife. Derek didn't seem to notice the weapon at all.

  "Make your choice, Abby. Know that trying to deny what we have will only end badly for everyone."

  Abby waited one more breath before she sliced at his hand with the knife. To her immense satisfaction, blood welled within seconds.

  He swore. "You little bitch! I swear to God—"

  She unlocked the door and threw it open, running as fast as she could until she reached the nurses' station. She expected Derek to follow her, but when she listened for footsteps, there were none.

  Derek had given up—at least for tonight.

  She only realized she still held the knife when she reached the nurses' station. With a quick glance around, she was able to stow it away without anyone noticing.

  "Whoa, Abby, what the hell? Why are you all red?" Janine asked as she rounded the corner. "Are you all right?"

  Abby took a few more deep breaths. "I'm fine. Just getting some exercise." Taking a clipboard from her friend, she asked, "What did I miss?"

  "Mark, you came!" Lizzie exclaimed as she gave him a bear hug. "These two kept saying that you never leave your ranch these days."

  Mark hugged his sister before he sat down next to his two older brothers and Heath. They'd come for a few drinks at The Fainting Goat, the most popular bar in Fair Haven. With Abby at work tonight and Charlie assuring him he'd watch over Delilah and her foal, Mark had accepted his brothers' invitation for a night out.

  Besides, being home alone only reminded him how much he missed Abby when she was gone.

  I'm turning into such a goddamn sap.

  "I only came because Harrison said he'd pay for the first round," Mark said, deadpan.

  Lizzie laughed. "Harrison, did you know this?"

  Harrison rolled his eyes. "Only until this very moment."

  Harrison did, in fact, buy the first round, and Mark noted that Caleb didn't get a beer, but instead some kind of soda. Interesting. Since when did Caleb no longer drink? Mark had a feeling it had something to do with Megan Flannigan.

  "I haven't been here before," Lizzie said as she looked around the restaurant and bar. She was "dressed to kill," as she'd describe it, wearing tight skinny jeans and a top that showed her toned belly. With her long dark hair and bright red lips, she drew lots of appreciative male gazes.

  Lizzie had always been flamboyant, even wild, and she hadn't changed much in that regard. She and Seth had done all kinds of pranks when they'd been younger. Mark remembered one time when the twins had gotten suspended for filling a classroom full of toads. The teacher had continued to find amphibians in her desk drawers days after the clean-up.

  Lizzie kept looking around, barely attending to what anyone was saying. Mark, preferring to be silent, watched his little sister.

  He wondered why Harrison had chosen this place, or why Lizzie had agreed to come. Everyone knew that Lizzie's ex-boyfriend Trent Younger owned this place. He was often here, checking on his employees and talking to customers.

  Lizzie and Trent had had a whirlwind love affair their senior year of high school that had ended almost as abruptly as it had begun. Mark didn't know the details of their breakup, but right after they'd ended things, Lizzie had run off with her band, avoiding Fair Haven—and Trent—for years.

  Right now, Lizzie couldn't sit still; her anxiety made Mark anxious from watching her.

  "Liz, where were you last touring?" Caleb asked her. "Was it San Francisco?"

  Lizzie blinked, confused. "What? Sorry, I was thinking about something."

  "Or someone," Mark muttered, but Harrison kicked him under the table.

  "Where were you last on your tour?" Heath offered.

  Heath was all kindness compared to the rough-and-tumble Thornton brothers. Working with elementary-school students gave him more patience than most people. Smiling at Lizzie, he waited for her response.

  Mark narrowed his eyes at Heath. He'd seen how he'd looked at Jubilee on Thanksgiving.

  That guy better watch himself.

  Lizzie smiled. "Oh, yeah. It was LA. I was also there to record my next album. It's crazy to think that I have more than one album, you know?"

  "It's crazy to think my baby sister is some celebrity musician," Harrison said. He tugged on her hair. "I remember you as the girl who put worms in my bed."

  That made her laugh. "Was that you? I thought it was Caleb."

  "It was both of us," Caleb said wryly.

  The last time Mark had heard his sister perform, she'd blown him away with her talent. He was no musician, but even he could recognize skill when he heard it.

  She'd played with a mixture of pure emotion and technical skill, her lyrics as beautiful as the notes she strummed on her guitar. Mark wasn't surprised that she'd been as successful as she'd been.

  "Oh my God, is that—? Lizzie Thornton?" Two girls approached their table, eyes wide.

  "It is you! I knew you were from here, but you haven't been around in so long," the other girl gushed.

  Lizzie grinned. "I'm here now. How are you?"

  After a brief conversation, the girls left with autographs in hand.

  Lizzie turned back to the guys, who were staring at her. "What?" she demanded.

  "Well, we never thought about you being famous," Caleb said with a shake of his head. "It's weird."

  "It is weird," Mark confirmed.

  "You guys are weird. And I think it's time for another drink." Lizzie motioned to a waitress.

  As the evening passed, Lizzie kept drinking. Her cheeks became flushed, and she kept laughing too loudly at every little thing.

  "I think you've had enough," Caleb said when she tried to order another drink.

  She scowled. "I'm fine. Stop being annoying." She began to fall over, Heath catching her. She laughed.

  The three brothers looked at each other. Before they could make a decision, Mark saw the last person Lizzie needed to see right now: Trent Younger.

  Trent was tall with blond hair, tattoos circling his arms and neck. As far as Mark knew, Trent hadn't had a serious relationship since he'd dated Lizzie, preferring to keep things casual. He didn't lack for bedmates, that was for certain, especially as he opened more restaurants that only increased his wealth and notoriety.

  But right now, he only had eyes for Lizzie. Lizzie didn't notice him at first, and Mark hoped they could get her out of here before she saw him.

  But it was like they had some invisible connection, because within a moment, Lizzie turned, meeting Trent's gaze from across the room.

  Mark heard her inhale.

  The pair stared at each other; nobody said a word. Although the restaurant bustled with activity, you could've heard a pin drop in the silence.

  Trent's expression shuttered before he walked to their table.

  "Goddammit," Harrison muttered. He tipped back the rest of his drink. "Here we go."

  Lizzie turned away when Trent arrived.

  "How's everything here? Nice to see you guys." His gaze flickered over Lizzie for a brief moment.

  Lizzie ignored him, drawing circles on the table.

  "Hey Trent," Caleb said. "How's it been?"

  "Good. Busy. You?" He looked at Harrison. "I hear congrats are in order?"

  "That's right. You're invited to the wedding, you know."

  Trent smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Good, otherwise I was going to crash it."

  The guys talked for a while longer, updating each other about their lives. Lizzie continued to ignore Trent until the tension became so thick Mark felt himself growing tense.

>   Finally, Trent said, "Lizzie. It's been a long time."

  "Hi." She still wouldn't look at him.

  "I heard your band is doing well. Congratulations."

  Now she looked at him from the corner of her eye. "Thanks. Congrats to you too. This place is great."

  Trent clenched his jaw. Nobody spoke. Mark wished he could get another beer to forget any of this had happened.

  "I thought maybe we could get a drink some time," Trent said in a low voice. "To catch up."

  She finally turned to face him. "Why would I want to do that? No, I'm good. I won't be in town for long anyway." Sliding off her seat, she stumbled. Trent caught her.

  "I'll take Lizzie home," Caleb said as he tossed a few dollars onto the table. "See you guys, later."

  He took Lizzie's elbow, although Trent seemed reluctant to let her go. He said something to Lizzie and finally stalked away.

  "What was that all about?" Heath asked, gesturing over his shoulder.

  Mark and Harrison looked at each other. Then they both shrugged. "Don't even ask, man," Harrison replied. "You don't want to know."

  "He means that we don't actually know the answer," Mark added.

  Harrison grunted. "That, too."

  As Mark got into his truck after saying goodbye to Harrison and Heath, he sat in the driver's seat and stared out at nothing. Seeing Lizzie and Trent at odds like that made him wonder if he was going to end up in the same situation with Abby. Those two had been in love once, and neither had seemed to move on.

  So why couldn't they make it work?

  Mark knew he'd closed himself off from the world after Tina had cheated on him, and for what? To keep himself safe? That was no kind of life. He'd been a coward not to tell Abby the truth about Tina's betrayal, about how his best friend had betrayed him, too.

  He closed his eyes as old wounds resurfaced.

  How could he let himself love again when the possibility terrified him to his very marrow?

  15

  Mark was awake when he heard Abby return from work around seven AM. Yawning and stretching, he rose from the bed, a smile tugging at his lips when he saw the two cats curled up at the end of his bed.