Wounded Souls

by R J Nolan

  Logan shook her head. She turned to the picture on the wall that Dale had commented on previously and touched the image. “She wasn’t just my sister; we were identical twins.”

  Dale gasped. Her gaze darted back and forth between the photograph and Logan. “I’m so sorry.” She reached out to touch Logan, then hesitated. Her arm dropped before she could make contact. “But that doesn’t change the fact that what happened wasn’t your fault. Even if you’d been there, it doesn’t mean you could’ve stopped it. The person who killed Emily is the only one responsible. Not you.”

  She skirted past Dale and slumped onto the couch. “Emily was robbed of so many things. She never had a chance to marry her girlfriend, have a family…” Logan rubbed her chest. “The list goes on and on. How can I do any of those things knowing she never will?”

  Dale sat down next to Logan, leaving a gap between them. Her gaze swept the small space as if she were seeing it for the first time. When she turned back to Logan, a new understanding showed in her eyes. “This place. The way you live your life. It’s your prison. Your punishment.”

  There was no use denying it. Logan ducked her head. “It’s more than I deserve. At least through my job, I help people.”

  “Oh, Logan. No.” Dale put her fingers under Logan’s chin, urging her to look up. When she did, Dale cupped her cheek.

  Unable to stop herself, she leaned into the touch.

  “I can never know what it was like to lose your twin. But I do know about survivor guilt; it’s very common among vets. You can’t let it rule your life.”

  Logan pulled back, breaking the contact of Dale’s hand on her face. “It’s not that simple. It’s not just that the guilt is always there. I don’t know how to explain but—”

  Dale stopped her with a touch on her arm. “You don’t need to. I know firsthand how hard it is to fight against.”

  What? Realization dawned. Other people must have been killed when Dale lost her leg. But that couldn’t possibly be Dale’s fault—could it? She had only thought about the physical injuries Dale had suffered. Was it possible that Dale really understood what she was going through? “Will you tell me what happened?”

  Dale swallowed heavily and looked away.

  She held back a sigh and briefly stroked Dale’s arm. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you.”

  Visibly squaring her shoulders, Dale turned back toward Logan. “I want to tell you.” She put her hands on her thighs and kneaded the material of her jeans. “We were with a convoy of four vehicles returning to the combat support hospital where I was assigned in Afghanistan.”

  Logan couldn’t help wondering why a member of the navy was assigned to someplace in the desert. Shouldn’t she have been on a ship? But she didn’t want to interrupt to ask.

  “We were just a few miles from the base when the lead vehicle hit an IED. I was in the third vehicle back, and the explosion was so strong, debris from the Humvee hit us. I could see the burning hulk of the vehicle, and I knew they were all dead.” Dale’s gaze grew distant as if she were seeing it all over again. “That’s when the bastards opened up on us with RPGs. We were a bunch of medical personnel, for God’s sake; we were helping people. The vehicle in front of us took a hit and caught fire. The people inside started bailing out—right into small-arms fire. Our marine driver told us to stay put, that help was on the way. But there were victims out there, lying bleeding in the sand.” Haunted eyes met Logan’s. “I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing. Bruno…God, Bruno… He was a nurse I’d become friends with during my tour. I told him to stay in the Humvee. There was no reason for both of us to take the risk. He had a wife at home and a baby on the way. But the damn stubborn jerk wouldn’t listen. We managed to pull the wounded to the other side of the vehicles, away from where the snipers were. The marines returned fire and protected us as best they could.” Dale fell silent as the memories seemed to overwhelm her.

  Logan watched her struggle but was hesitant to touch her, fearing she might make things worse. Finally, unable to stand it, she carefully touched Dale’s back and stroked up and down slowly. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anymore.”

  Blowing out a breath, Dale raked her hands through her hair. “I need to.”

  Logan nodded and continued with her gentle touch as Dale resumed her story.

  “There was a second IED that by some fluke our vehicles had missed detonating.” Her expression turned storm-cloud dark. “Or who knows, maybe the bastards planned it that way. Just as the helicopters arrived to drive them off, the sons of bitches set it off. Vehicle behind ours took the brunt of it. I don’t remember much after that. But I’ll never forget the sight of Bruno, with the side of his head caved in, bleeding out into the sand.”

  When Logan met Dale’s eyes, she saw for the first time the pain of the memories that Dale lived with every day. Oh, Dale. Logan pressed her hand to her queasy stomach.

  Unlike Logan, Dale had made something of her life after the horrible attack and injuries. Logan felt sick with remorse. You’re a coward. What Dale had accomplished took real strength and courage. It reminded her once again what an amazing woman Dale was.

  “I don’t know what to say. ‘I’m sorry’ seems so inadequate.”

  “It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything. I accept now that it wasn’t my fault. Bruno made his own choices, and I have to respect that. But that acceptance didn’t come easy.” She met Logan’s gaze head-on. “I blamed myself for a long time and engaged in some pretty destructive behavior. I didn’t think I deserved to be happy or have a good life. But I was wrong. The best way I could honor Bruno and the other people who died was to do exactly that. You owe it to Emily to live your life to the fullest.”

  Was Dale right? Logan wanted so badly to lay down the burden of her guilt, but she didn’t know if she could.

  As if sensing her struggle, Dale entwined her fingers with Logan’s. “A very wise, stubborn woman that we both know once asked me a question.”

  It only took a moment for her to realize Dale was talking about Casey.

  “Let me ask you a similar one. What if it had been the other way around and Emily was the one who survived? Is this the life you would expect her to live?”

  She thought of the last two years and pictured Emily with her kind, gentle spirit and her love of people shut off from the world. “No.” The word burst from Logan.

  Dale cupped her face and traced her thumb over Logan’s cheek, brushing away the tears Logan hadn’t even realized were there. “If she could see you now, would she be happy with the life you’ve chosen to lead? Is it really what she would have wanted for you?”

  Logan closed her eyes. She could almost see Emily sadly shaking her head. Emily had always faced things head-on. How had she let herself get to this place? She’d not only run from the pain of Emily’s death but from life. Her shoulders slumped. Oh, Em. What have I done?

  The warmth of Dale’s palm against her cheek never wavered. Logan opened her eyes and gazed into dark gray irises filled with compassion and understanding. “I don’t know what to do.”

  Dale gripped her hand. “You start by vowing to make the most of every single day. Not just with work but everything in life. Let people in.” She smiled. “You’ve already made a start with me—and Casey.”

  It was true. As much as she had fought against it, she had come to care for Dale and Casey. But in Dale’s case, her feelings went much deeper than friendship. No more hiding. Determined to make a fresh start here and now, Logan cradled Dale’s face in her hands and placed a soft kiss on her lips. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

  “Never.” Dale returned the kiss and lingered.

  She slid her hand into Dale’s hair at the base of her neck and licked at Dale’s lower lip, begging entrance. When Dale opened to her, she groaned into her mouth and deepened the kiss.

  The sound
of a cell phone startled them apart.

  Dale growled. “It’s mine.” She jerked the phone out of her pocket and glanced at the screen before stabbing the connect button. “What!”

  Although Logan was perturbed as well by the interruption, she was taken aback by Dale’s greeting.

  Grimacing, Dale flopped back against the couch. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” She rolled her eyes. “Yes, Mom. Everything’s fine. No. I’ll be there soon.”

  Logan grinned when she realized Dale was talking to Casey.

  “Sorry.” Dale pushed off the couch. “I have to go.” She glanced at her watch. “I was supposed to be at the VA an hour ago.”

  Logan opened the door, and Dale slipped past her. “I’ll see you tonight. And thank you—for everything.”

  Dale stepped down onto the first step, then turned back to look up at Logan. Anxiety flashed across her face. “You’re staying…after this week—right?”

  An unexpected jolt of nerves struck. Taking a deep breath, she said, “I’m staying.” Logan grabbed Dale’s sleeve before she could walk away. “This is all kind of scary. Just be patient with me…okay?”

  A smile that could have lit a city spread across Dale’s face. “You’ve got it. I promise.” She tugged Logan down and placed a quick kiss on her lips.

  Logan leaned back out of temptation’s range. “You better get going. I’ll bring the snack tonight.”

  “Sounds great. See you later.”

  Logan stayed in the doorway until Dale was out of sight. So much had happened; she still hadn’t processed it all. But there was one thing she knew for sure: it felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She felt lighter than she had in years.

  CHAPTER 32

  As Dale neared the conference room door at the beginning of the night shift, anxiety gripped her, but for a totally different reason than it had for the last week and a half. Everything had changed between her and Logan after the events that morning. Logan had opened up to her in a way she never had before. And the mere memory of Logan’s hands on her sent arousal skittering down Dale’s spine. Despite her fear of Logan’s reaction once she fully exposed her physical defects, she was determined to make this relationship work. She pushed open the door.

  Logan looked up and smiled. “Hey there.”

  Dale ran her hands down the front of her scrubs as she approached the table. Should she kiss Logan hello? Keep things professional at work?

  Logan solved her dilemma by reaching for her hand and giving it a firm squeeze.

  Okay. So professional it was. That was comfortable and familiar. Dale felt some of her anxiety wane.

  “How did things go with Casey at the VA?”

  Grimacing, Dale said, “You know Casey. She gave me the third degree.”

  Logan frowned.

  “But I didn’t tell her everything,” Dale blurted, her face going hot. She had a vivid sense memory of Logan’s hand down her pants. “I said we had a fight about you leaving and that you were going to stay. And that I told you about Bruno.” She laid her hand on Logan’s arm. “I didn’t say anything about Emily. I wouldn’t betray your confidence.”

  Logan put her hand on top of Dale’s. “You could’ve told her.”

  Dale shook her head. “That’s your story to tell. If you want to.”

  “Yeah. I do.” Logan swallowed heavily. “I need to take Drake for a visit. I’ll talk to her then.”

  “I know she’ll appreciate that.”

  Although Logan had taken a huge first step, survivor guilt was tenacious. It wasn’t something she was going to get over in a day. Dale still struggled occasionally with guilt over Bruno’s death. As Casey always said, it was important to pay help forward. And knowing that others understood because they had been there themselves had helped Dale. Now she could help Logan.

  But it was more than just sharing her experiences; if there was any chance of this working between them, she had to let Logan into other parts of her life. The upcoming basketball game was the perfect opportunity to do so. Could she really let Logan see her like that?

  A warm hand on her arm brought Dale back to the here and now.

  “Is everything okay?”

  The warmth and concern in Logan’s eyes soothed her. “Yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking.” Dale blew out a breath. You can do this. “A group of us get together and play wheelchair basketball once a month. It falls on a day we’re both off. I was wondering if you’d be interested in going to the game? Afterward, I’d like to take you out to dinner.”

  Logan’s eyes went wide for a moment, then she smiled and squeezed Dale’s arm. “If you’re sure, I’d like that. Just tell me when and where.”

  “Great. I’ll pick you up. It’s a date.”

  Logan’s expression dimmed before she visibly squared her shoulders. “Never thought I would hear those words again.”

  Was it too much too soon? Dale tried not to let her disappointment show. “If you’re not ready, we don’t have to—”

  Logan stroked Dale’s arm. “It’s fine. More than fine. I just… It’s a big adjustment.”

  Tension leaked from Dale. “I understand that. Whatever you need. We’ll take it slow.” It was a relief for her too as she didn’t know how she was going to handle Logan seeing her without her leg and in a wheelchair. Or for that matter, how Logan was going to react. And truth be told, Dale never thought she would be asking a woman out on a date again.

  “Thank you. I look forward to it.”

  “So what did you bring us?” Dale motioned toward the bag next to Logan.

  “A new bakery opened just down the street from the campground. Check these out.” She pulled a large pecan-covered sticky bun from the bag.

  “Oh. Gimme.”

  Logan laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Dale settled in to enjoy her treat. For the moment, at least, all was right with the world.

  Logan leaned back against the counter at the nurses’ station and sipped her coffee. She’d had a hard time keeping her mind on the job tonight, and that never happened to her. She kept thinking of Dale. Not only about what had happened between them that morning, but also about their impending date. Guilt had swamped her several times, but she resolutely fought to vanquish it.

  When she spotted Molly approaching, she forced away the distracting thoughts for the umpteenth time. She beckoned her over. At first, she hadn’t been very impressed with the resident, but Molly was really putting out an extra effort of late. “How did it go?”

  “All set. I did the exam and got the name of her boyfriend.”

  “You did a really good job. I thought I was going to have to street her. I couldn’t convince her to let me do a pelvic exam or even admit she was sexually active.”

  Molly beamed. “Thanks.”

  “Make sure you get all the correct forms submitted to report—”

  The doors to the ambulance bay banged open.

  Jess McKenna strode into the ER and grabbed a nearby gurney. “I need some help out here.” She pushed the gurney out the doors.

  Logan sprinted for the ambulance bay.

  Riley Connolly, a staff trauma surgeon, stood on the running board next to the open door of an SUV. When she turned her head at Logan’s approach, Riley looked pale and shaken.

  What was she doing here? Logan pushed aside the useless speculation and focused on the patient. She did a double take when she got a look at the woman in the passenger seat. Did Jess have a twin?

  The woman clutched her huge belly and groaned.

  “Hang in there, Sis. We’re going to get you inside,” Jess said.

  Together, they got Jess’s sister out of the vehicle and onto the gurney.

  Riley took up a position right next to her. “Everything is going to be okay, Sam. I promise.” She brushed back Sam’s sweat
-soaked hair and placed a tender kiss on her forehead.

  “This is my sister, Sam,” Jess said as they made their way into the ER and a treatment room. “Thirty-five years old, gravida one, para zero, thirty-one weeks gestation with twins. Onset of periumbilical pain twenty-four hours ago with nausea. No emesis at that time. Afibril. Escalation of the pain in the last hour with migration to the right upper quadrant. Continuing nausea with a single incident of emesis thirty minutes ago. No contractions. No vaginal bleeding. Suspected appendicitis.”

  Logan was taken aback by Jess’s unemotional, clinical recitation. This was her sister. She took a closer look.

  Jess had her hands so tightly clenched around the railing of the gurney that her knuckles were blanched white. Stress lines framed her eyes. Riley didn’t seem to be fairing any better, but they were both working hard to present a calm demeanor in front of Sam.

  Logan’s respect for both women rose. She couldn’t imagine handling things this well in a similar situation. She did her own quick assessment.

  Nancy, one of nurses, arrived with Patty, another nurse, right on her heels.

  “Patty, go up to OB and tell them we need a twin fetal monitor,” Jess ordered before Logan could. “If they give you any hassle, tell them Dr. Childress is on her way and ordered it.”

  “I’m on it.” Patty took off.

  Logan frowned, not familiar with the names of all the doctors from different departments.

  “Helen Childress is Sam’s OB,” Riley said, apparently having caught Logan’s expression.

  They got Sam transferred to an ER bed and positioned on her left side.

  Logan glanced at her boss. Was Jess going to insist on taking care of her sister? She thought it was a really bad idea but wasn’t in a position to protest.

  After a visible struggle, Jess stepped back from the bed. “I’m here as family. Do what you need to. Helen should be here shortly, but I’m convinced this isn’t about the pregnancy. I’ll go get her checked in.” She gave Sam’s toes a squeeze. “I’ll be back soon. You’re in good hands with Dr. Logan.”