Graves and Golf Carts

by Annabel Chase

  “Throw in lovers and it sounds like a slam dunk to me. Those are always the culprits on Dateline.”

  Hera observed me. “As usual, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Since she’s your friend, I’m happy to let you question her.” It was worth a shot.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. It would ruin our relationship. You’re the marshal. I’ll allow you to ask the questions.”

  “Any idea where she might be now?” I asked.

  “I’m afraid not. Check with Barney on your way out though. He might be able to perform a locator spell.”

  I wagged a finger. “Good plan. It’s nice to make him feel included.” The mage seemed to spend most of his time messing up orientation for new arrivals like me.

  “He has his uses.” Hera ran the soft end of the peacock feather along her cheek in a way that reminded me of an eccentric Bond villain. All she needed was a hairless cat on her lap. “I simply don’t understand why this keeps happening.”

  I shrugged. “Third time’s the charm?”

  Hera met my gaze. “You do realize you are the only explanation for this, Marshal Worthington.”

  “But I had nothing to do with the other obliterations.” And I had nothing to do with Helen-Mary’s either.

  “Perhaps not directly, but there must be a connection.” She frowned. “It’s entirely possible that your human presence is throwing off the balance of Divine Place.”

  I forced a smile. “Sounds like someone hasn’t kicked any kittens today. Maybe you should get on that.” I turned to leave before the goddess decided to annihilate me on the spot. Anything to preserve the peace in her precious village.

  “Contrary to your belief, I am not blaming you,” she said.

  I turned back toward her. “Really? Because when you say that my mere existence in Divine Place is throwing off the balance and causing obliterations galore, it sounds like you’re blaming me.”

  She offered a weary sigh. “I don’t suppose it would help if we quarantined you for a month to see whether any more obliterations occurred.”

  My heart began to pound at the thought of being sequestered in my house. As adorable as my place was, I couldn’t face an afterlife alone with Mischief. The prospect was far worse than purgatory.

  “Last time I checked, 47 Hamilton Street is still part of Divine Place, so I don’t think locking me up would do any good. Plus, you wouldn’t have me as marshal to clean up the mess I’m apparently responsible for.”

  “True,” Hera said distractedly. “I’ll have to think on it.”

  I didn’t like the sound of that. I wanted less of her attention, not more. “I’ll keep you updated on the case.”

  “Please do.”

  I left the office in search of Barney. I wasn’t in the mood to search the whole village for Agatha, so I hoped the mage was capable of handling a locator spell today.

  I found Barney in the office he shared with Randolph, although the elf wasn’t currently at his desk. The mage was staring intently at a fat purple grape on his desk.

  “What are you doing?”

  He gasped and straightened. “I didn’t hear anyone come in.”

  “Your eyes and ears were apparently occupied.” I motioned to the single grape. ”Whatcha doing there, buddy?”

  He adjusted his disheveled shirt. “If you must know, I’m performing an experiment.”

  “Well, I hope you’ve given that grape enough anesthesia. You don’t want it waking up mid-surgery.”

  He ignored my remark. “It’s a simple trick. Why can’t I do it?”

  I dropped into the chair across from his desk. “Try this instead then. I need you to do a locator spell so I can find Agatha.”

  His brow lifted. “Agatha—the witch?”

  “No, Agatha the unicorn. Yes, Agatha the witch. What other kind of supernatural would be named Agatha?”

  “Is she missing?” he asked.

  “No, it’s just that I have plans later and I don’t want to waste time riding all over the village searching for her.” Okay, that sounded lazy even to my ears. “And Hera told me to ask you. It’s for an investigation and time is of the essence.” There. That sounded more official.

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  I pointed at the grape. “So what’s the experiment?”

  “I’m trying to see if I can move it with my mind.”

  “Why bother when you can move it with your hand?”

  Barney smiled. “Such a charming sense of humor.”

  “You don’t need telekinetic powers. You’re a mage. Just use magic.”

  Barney resumed his bug-eyed stare at the grape. “I’d like to master a new skill during my time here. Complacency breeds contempt.”

  “That’s familiarity, but I take your point.”

  He grunted in frustration and abandoned his experiment to focus on me. “I suppose you’d like me to assist you now.”

  “Now would be good, thanks. I’ve got a lunch date with a BLT later that I don’t want to miss.”

  “BLT is your date?”

  My eyes widened. “Don’t tell me you’ve never had a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich smeared with a completely unnecessary yet delicious amount of mayo?”

  He straightened in his chair. “I don’t believe I have.”

  I whistled. “Oh boy. Tell you what. Find me Agatha and I’ll introduce you to the best comfort food you’ve ever had that doesn’t involve copious amounts of cheese.” I was from Chipping Cheddar, Maryland, a cheese mecca on the East Coast, so I knew my way around a wedge.

  “I like cheese,” Barney said.

  I patted his shoulder. “I knew I liked you.”

  Barney closed his eyes and began to hum.

  “What are you doing?”

  One eye popped open to peer at me. “You asked me to perform a locator spell.”

  “And that involves a nap?”

  The eye snapped closed. “I’m not napping. I’m entering a trancelike state so that I can identify Agatha’s current location.”

  “Don’t you need a lock of her hair or something?” It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Hera kept specimens of everyone’s DNA for her own controlling purposes.

  “Not for Agatha. She and I have interacted frequently enough that I can channel her without a connective object. Now if you don’t mind, I’m trying to concentrate.”

  “Like you were trying to concentrate on the grape?” If his locator skills were as poor as his telekinetic skills, I was better off hunting down Agatha on foot.

  Barney swiveled his chair away from me so that he faced the wall and the soft hum resumed. While his back was turned, I leaned forward and fixed my gaze on the grape, willing it to move. It remained on the desk, perfectly still, taunting me with its lack of motion. Barney shifted the chair to face me again and I bolted upright.

  “I believe you’ll find her at the recreation center in Zone 2,” he said.

  “Seriously?”

  Barney appeared baffled by my disbelief. “I’m a mage. What did you expect?”

  “I know, but I thought that involved more props or something.” At least a mortar and pestle or a pencil that he pretended was a wand the way I used to do in elementary school.

  “I’m not a magician making things disappear for your amusement.”

  “Maybe you’re not, but I am.” I grabbed the grape and popped it into my mouth. “Henceforth, you may refer to me as the Grape Devourer.”

  The mage glowered at me. “I will await this magical BLT.”

  I headed for the door. “Wait until you taste it. You’re going to think you died and went to…Forget it.”

  “Best of luck with the investigation, Marshal Worthington,” he called.

  Chapter Four

  Thanks to Barney’s successful locator spell, I found Agatha at the outdoor recreation center in Zone 2, where she was engaged in a game of giant chess. The pieces were at least six feet high and she and her opponent seemed to be usi
ng magic to move them. He was one of those older attractive guys that would have looked right at home on a nighttime soap opera. His silver hair glinted in the sunlight and I was immediately reminded of the inherent unfairness of men aging so much more gracefully than women. His chin was so smooth that I bet he didn’t even have to tweeze stray hairs, let alone shave. Bastard.

  “Agatha?” I said, approaching the two players.

  The witch turned to look at me. With her gray hair and sharp nose, she reminded me of the farmer’s wife in the American Gothic painting.

  “Who are you?” She sniffed the air between us and her eyes narrowed to slits. “You’re that human.”

  I tapped my badge that I’d managed to dig out of my purse. It had a spot of pink gum stuck to it, but I was pretty sure it was too small for them to see. “That’s Marshal Human to you. I’m Eloise Worthington and I’d like to ask you a couple questions about Helen-Mary.”

  Agatha rolled her eyes. “What happened? Did she complain that I didn’t finish our round of golf? It’s hardly a crime.” She turned back to her game.

  “Helen-Mary didn’t complain.” I watched as she moved one of the oversized horse pieces to a new spot simply by zigzagging her finger. It was probably a good thing I wasn’t a witch because I’d be the laziest supernatural that ever walked the earth. Actually, I’d be so lazy I wouldn’t even walk the earth. I’d just sit on my broomstick and fly over it.

  “What is it then?” Agatha asked. “Is she in trouble for something? I can’t imagine that. She’s such a stickler for the rules. This one time I suggested that the coven substitute tahini with sumac for one of the potions and you would’ve thought I’d suggested a moonlight massacre.” She smiled at her companion. “Remember that, Roderick?”

  “Yes, I believe you said her green skin turned the color of pea soup.” The silver fox chuckled at the memory.

  “Helen-Mary’s not in trouble.”

  “Of course not,” he said. “I bet Helen-Mary is organizing another protest. Is that what this is about?”

  I lit up. “A protest?” A witch after my own heart.

  “She’s always working on behalf of one cause or another,” Agatha said. “Spend enough time with her and you’ll hear all about them. Most recently it was organizing the first annual Take Your Familiar to Work Day.”

  Okay, my causes were mostly personal, like the time my local McDonald’s ran out of Shamrock Shakes before St. Patrick’s Day and I parked my car in the drive-thru lane and refused to move until they found a way to fulfill my order. I was pretty sure they dumped spinach and mint sprigs into a vanilla shake and mixed it together—at least I hope it was spinach.

  “She’s not organizing anything. She never left the golf course.” I moved to stand in her line of sight between a queen and a rook.

  Agatha cackled softly. “What do you mean she never left? I know she isn’t very good, but how long does it take to finish a golf game?” She shot her companion a quizzical glance. “What time did I get to your workshop?”

  “Maybe nine,” he said. “I’d just finished painting the console table for Mr. Parrish and we decided to come here so you could unwind.” He looked at me. “Agatha has always found chess more relaxing. The golf is for Helen-Mary’s benefit.”

  I was momentarily distracted by the mention of painting. “You take commissions from the general public?”

  “I do,” he said. “What kind of piece do you have in mind?”

  “A golf cart,” I said.

  He frowned. “I don’t think I’d be the right artisan for that.”

  “I might not be allowed to paint it anyway.” I switched my attention back to Agatha and sucked in a breath. “Helen-Mary never left the golf course because someone obliterated her.”

  Agatha didn’t seem to process the news. She stood next to a giant chess piece, staring into space. “I’m sorry. You’re not making any sense.”

  “She said that Helen-Mary has been obliterated,” Roderick repeated, somewhat dazed.

  Agatha clutched her chest, wincing. “I don’t understand. How can that be? I was with her for hours this morning. We even had breakfast beforehand. I even yelled at her for getting such an early tee time.”

  “Which means you were the last one seen with her.” I folded my arms. “It also sounds like you’re someone with an axe to grind.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Roderick interjected. “Agatha would never harm a hair on Helen-Mary’s head. They’ve worked together for ages. They were as close as sisters.”

  “Excuse my partner,” Agatha said. She gave him an admonishing look. “Roderick, please be respectful to the marshal. She’s only doing her job. We want to know what happened even more than she does.”

  “When you say partner…” I began.

  “Boyfriend. Gentleman friend. Lover.” Roderick shrugged. “I answer to all of them.” His arm moved to encircle her waist. “Once you go witch, you never switch.”

  Agatha rubbed his chest. “Once you go fae, there’s no other way.”

  “There’s no good rhyme for a human, is there?” Seemed a bit unfair. Once you go middle-aged lady, you stop being shady. There, good enough. “It sounds like you and Helen-Mary fought like sisters. Care to tell me what you argued about?”

  “What makes you think we argued?” Agatha asked.

  “Well, you said you yelled at her about an early tee time. Also, I’m about as dramatic as they come, but even I’ve never stormed off in the middle of a golf game.” A dance floor after too many drinks, yes, but that was a given.

  Agatha seemed torn. “Okay, fine. We argued. It was nothing new. We’d been arguing the same point for far too long and I was tired of it.”

  “What? You stole Mr. Silver Fox out from under her?”

  “No, of course not. She preferred business to dating.”

  “Then something to do with the potion business?” I asked.

  Agatha lowered her gaze. “Yes. I decided to take the opportunity during the game to ask for a promotion. You don’t know what it’s like being second in command with no end in sight. This is the afterlife. Unless someone ascends or descends, no one is going anywhere. That means I’m stuck in the same role forever unless I get promoted or someone ahead of me changes positions.”

  “Or gets obliterated,” I said.

  Roderick stepped closer to us. “Agatha deserved that promotion. She’s devoted her entire existence here to building their business.”

  “What reason did she have for saying no?” I asked.

  Agatha shook her head. “Same old excuses. That it wasn’t the right time. That someday it would make sense to have a co-chair, but not yet.”

  “I warned Agatha that it probably wouldn’t end in her favor,” Roderick said. “I didn’t want her to get her hopes up because that Helen-Mary had a stubborn streak. Everybody knows it.”

  Agatha heaved a sigh. “We’d been down the same road too many times before and it was always the same response.”

  “Why not start your own business?” I asked. “That’s what I would’ve done.” Well, more likely I would’ve told the person I was angry with that I was going to do it and then never followed through because it would’ve been too much actual work.

  “I signed a non-compete agreement years ago,” Agatha said. “If I had known that Helen-Mary would be so resistant to promoting me, I never would have bothered.”

  “You couldn’t get out of it? Aren’t there any lawyers here?”

  Roderick chuckled. “This is Divine Place, Marshal Worthington, not Hell.”

  “I went to the HOA about a decade ago and they denied my petition to void the agreement,” Agatha said. “They said there would need to be extenuating circumstances to cancel the agreement and no circumstances existed. That changing my mind wasn’t a good enough reason to release me from my obligations.”

  “That must’ve built up some resentment,” I said. “It must’ve felt like she was holding you captive.”

  “Yes, it
did,” she said. “I tried other methods.” She stopped talking and I sensed she’d been about to tell me something she’d regret.

  “Agatha, I’m standing here basically accusing you of obliterating your boss. If you’re innocent, then your best bet is to tell me everything you know.”

  Agatha fidgeted with a strand of gray hair. “I’ll tell you this, but it doesn’t mean that I obliterated her. In fact, I staunchly deny it.”

  I motioned for her to proceed. “I’m listening.”

  “I may have tried to get rid of her,” Agatha said, “but not in the way that you think.” She cut a quick glance at Roderick. “You might not want to be here for this part. I don’t want you to think less of me.”

  Roderick squeezed her waist. “Agatha, my darling, there is nothing you could say or do that would make me think less of you. I know who you are at your very core and I love you for it.”

  Wow. I had to admit that I felt a slight pang of jealousy. I’d never had anyone offer such unmitigated support.

  “I tried to lure her into bad behavior a few times to see if she’d descend,” Agatha said quietly.

  I noticed that Roderick cringed at her confession but quickly rebounded by giving her a firm kiss on the cheek. “You felt stuck, my darling. Your actions are completely understandable. Anyone in your position would have done the same.”

  Although I wasn’t sure about everyone, I was sure about me. I would’ve been firmly in Camp Loophole. “What kinds of things did you do?”

  Agatha wore a thoughtful expression. “Once I tried to convince her to use black magic in order to boost potion sales during one of our lower points. She refused, of course.”

  “Did you ever consider that maybe that’s one of the reasons she didn’t want to promote you?” I asked. “Maybe your efforts to convince her to misbehave poorly reflected on you?”

  Agatha lifted her chin in a stubborn gesture. “She’d already been refusing me at that point, so what did I have to lose?”

  “Did you consider trying to lure her into good behavior so that she might ascend?” I asked, thinking of Lewis. The vampire had sacrificed himself to save me from a vengeful killer and ascended as a result.