Against All Odds

by E. L. Todd

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not good at this sort of thing,” he said honestly. “I would prefer your mother to handle it, but I also don’t want to worry her. She hasn’t picked up on your behavior as well as I have.”

  Why couldn’t me dad be an idiot like everyone else?

  He nodded to the other couch. “Silke, sit down.”

  I sighed then did as he asked, pulling my knees to my chest.

  He stared at the floor, avoiding my gaze. “Is it safe to say he isn’t around anymore?”

  I didn’t see the point in lying but I couldn’t speak. Instead, I shook my head.

  He nodded. “I’m sorry, Silke. I could tell you really cared about him.”

  “Yeah…”

  He didn’t ask me why we broke up or what happened. He sat in silence for a long time. “Is there something I can do?”

  “No…”

  “Please stop avoiding your family. We won’t ask you about him, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  I pulled the blanket over me, suddenly feeling cold.

  He stared at his hands for a moment. “Heartbreak is the worst kind of pain. From personal experience, I feel like the only antidote is alcohol. But even that only lasts for a short amount of time. The only real solution is time. But of course, time can never pass quickly enough.”

  I just didn’t want to feel pain anymore.

  “I wish there was something more I could do…” He still didn’t look at me.

  “Dad, it’s okay. Don’t worry about me.”

  “It’s hard not to,” he said quietly. “I try to stay out of your personal life as much as possible, but sometimes…it’s hard. I know this is something you have to deal with on your own. But if it gives you any consolation, the pain will pass—eventually.

  “I hope so.”

  He looked out my window and stared at the adjacent building. “Well, I guess I’ll get out of your hair. Just don’t ignore us entirely. The best way to get back on your feet is to behave normally.” He stood up then straightened his shirt.

  “Dad…” I felt the blanket in my hand.

  “Yeah?”

  I hadn’t told anyone the truth and the knowledge was eating me alive. “Arsen’s in prison.”

  Dad flinched and his eyes widened. He tried to hide his reaction but it was no use. Stunned, he sunk back to the couch. “Prison?”

  I nodded.

  “Because he’s falsely accused of something…?” Hope was in his voice.

  “No,” I said quietly. “He was busted as a seller.”

  He took a deep breath and didn’t react overtly. “Prison seems a little harsh for that…is there something else he did?”

  “He’s been caught several times already. And he has other things under his belt.”

  “Like what?” he asked fearfully.

  “Grand Theft Auto and burglary. But I know he has an explanation for that.”

  “Like what?” he asked.

  “He was in the wrong place at the wrong time…he was forced to…something like that.”

  “He told you this?” he asked.

  “No,” I said. “I just know. Arsen wouldn’t do anything like that.”

  He took a deep breath then rubbed his knuckles. “How long will he be in there?”

  I shrugged. “A year, maybe more. I really don’t know…”

  “And you’re still together?” he asked.

  That part hurt the most. I controlled my emotions and kept a straight face. “No. He left me.”

  “Did he say why?” he asked gently.

  “I told him I would wait for him and we could make it work. But he said I was stupid and I was throwing my life away with him. He told me never wants to see me again and if I went to visit him he wouldn’t meet me. He told me to never contact him again…”

  Dad didn’t have a response to this.

  “He was going to stop selling and move with me to New York. We had a plan to get him back on his feet. He was going to change…but then this happened. It’s not fair. He was so close to having a second chance.”

  “I don’t know if I agree with that.”

  I looked at him.

  “Arsen broke the law selling weed. He deserves to pay the consequences.”

  “But prison for two years?” I asked incredulously. “Murderers are in there.”

  “I’m not saying I’m glad he’s in a bad situation,” he said. “But I think when he gets out, he’ll have a good chance of turning his life around. Maybe prison will be good for him.”

  I couldn’t look at him.

  “Silke, I’m sorry this happened to you but…maybe it was for the best.”

  “I thought you liked him?” I demanded.

  “I do,” he said firmly. “I can tell he’s a guy that had a really crappy start. I don’t blame him for struggling and making mistakes. We’re all guilty of that. But at a certain point, you can’t blame your life on your situation. You have to rise above it and make something of yourself. That’s his next step.”

  “Which he was going to do…”

  “Then it’s just bad timing.” He stared at me for a moment. “Silke, you’re such a beautiful and smart girl. You deserve someone just as great.”

  “But I want Arsen,” I said firmly.

  “I know,” he said gently. “I understand that. But…it’s just not going to happen. You need to move on and let him go.”

  He was telling me something I already knew.

  “Do you really want to be with someone that’s always going to hold you back? Someone that will always cause you pain?”

  “But I care about him.”

  “I never said you had to stop. I never said you had to stop loving him either. But perhaps he isn’t the right guy for you. That’s all I’m suggesting.”

  I looked away, knowing everything he said was true. Arsen didn’t want me anyway, and I knew he would never want me again. It was hard to accept.

  “You don’t have to forget your first love. But most of the time, your first love is the most painful one.”

  That described our relationship perfectly. It was full of heart-wrenching pain. I loved Arsen with my whole heart and knew he was a beautiful person underneath all his flaws, but perhaps that belief wasn’t enough.

  “I like Arsen a lot,” Dad said. “A lot more than I did.”

  “What?” I asked. “Why?” I just told him he was in prison.

  “He was noble to let you go. If you ever doubt that he loved you, remember what he did. He wants you to move on and be happy. And you know why?”

  I remained silent.

  “Because he knows he can’t give you what you need.”

  I stared out the window and felt the hole in my heart grow. Not having Arsen in my life was agonizing, but maybe my father was right. Our relationship had nothing but failure written all over it. And sometimes, love just wasn’t enough. But that didn’t make me feel better. My heart still yearned for Arsen, and in the back of my mind, I knew it always would.

  Chapter Five

  Arsen

  Prison sucked.

  No question about it.

  I slept in a cot near two other guys. I shared a toilet with three other ones. Cigarettes were hard to come by, and the political system of the inmates was annoying and constant. I kept my head down and minded my own business. But sometimes guys still wanted to pick a fight.

  I wasn’t scared of them. One guy, Bomb, had it out for me. He glared at me threateningly every time we crossed paths. I stared back at him, daring him to come at me.

  Lunchtime was the worst because we were forced to sit together at the tables and socialize. I made friends with a few of the guys, who were also serious drug dealers. They handled the more extreme stuff, like heroine and crack. To them, I was just an amateur.

  “You’re in here for weed?” Tim asked incredulously.

  I shrugged. “I was busted a few times.” The food tasted like shit but I ate it anyway. I wouldn’t be sur
prised if they shoved rat entails inside just to save money on protein.

  “That’s pussy shit,” Tim said. “I think you’re in here for something else.”

  Emitting an aura of fear was the best tactic in a place like this. “I killed ten people.”

  “Whoa…ten?” His eyes were wide.

  I knew he would spread that rumor around quickly.

  “Why?”

  “No reason,” I said evasively.

  He suddenly became tenser as he turned his attention back to his food.

  I thought about Silke all the time. She tried to see me a few times, and it took all my strength to stay in my cell. Being in a place like this made me desperate for her. I missed the way she laughed. I missed the way she would make me laugh.

  Letting her go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. One day, she would marry someone. One day, she’d have her own family. And one day, I would be a memory that she couldn’t recall. The knowledge hurt because I knew what she and I had was special. I’d been with a lot of woman, and Silke was definitely someone to keep around.

  But I didn’t deserve her.

  I was a damaged good in a pretty package. I couldn’t give her the life she deserved. I couldn’t give her anything. The only option was to walk away. Because in the end, I wanted her to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. I didn’t want her to regret me either. If we stayed together, she would. She would realize I was just as worthless as I always told her. And then she would leave in the middle of the night, a note her only explanation.

  The choice I made was difficult, but in my heart, I knew it was the right one.

  If I hadn’t been busted, things could have been different. We could have had a chance. If I moved to New York, I could have found work and became a respectable man.

  And I could have been a father to my daughter.

  When Silke said I thought about my little girl every day, she was right. I did. Never a day passed when she wasn’t in my thoughts. I wondered what she looked like when she laughed. I wondered what her voice sounded like. Would she recognize me? Would she want me?

  I was too scared to reach out to her because I thought I’d make her life miserable. She probably hoped I was a successful and respectable guy. She probably thought I had money and wealth. She probably thought I was perfect, as most children thought of their parents. If she met me, she would just be disappointed. She would wish she never met me at all.

  But if I had moved to New York with Silke, I could have became that guy. I could have gotten a job and supported myself. I could have matured and grown. And then I could have shown up on my daughter’s doorstep and not have been totally ashamed of who I was.

  But now that was impossible.

  I was worthless like I always thought I was. I was a jackass for keeping Silke as long as I did. She was a beautiful woman who deserved only the best of what life could offer. All I did was drag her down. All I did was hurt her.

  I did the right thing.

  But that didn’t mean I didn’t miss her like crazy. That didn’t mean I didn’t dream about her. That didn’t mean I didn’t love her with my whole heart and carry a vigil for her. And it didn’t mean her memory wasn’t keeping me sane everyday.

  I scooped up the nasty potatoes in my spoon then stared at the metallic handle. A reflection showed Bomb behind me, hold up a lunch tray like he was going to smash it over my head. Just as he came down, I moved out of the way.

  The tray broke in half when it collided with the table. He growled in frustration as he missed his target.

  I was on my feet and giving him hell. I got him by the neck then slammed his face into the table. “I wasn’t finished eating, asshole.”

  He fell to the floor, looking dizzy.

  I kicked him hard in the side, making him groan.

  The guys at my table looked impressed since I beat up the prison bully.

  “That guy killed ten people,” Tim said to his neighbor. “He’s fucking crazy.”

  The guards ran over and broke us up. “Knock it off.”

  Bomb was bleeding from the head, so he was taken to the infirmary.

  “Fuck with me again and I’ll kill you,” I said with wide eyes.

  He glared at me then was lead away.

  I pushed the guard off me. “Now let me get back to my lunch.”

  They studied me for a moment before they realized I was calm. Then they walked away.

  After I sat down, Tim eyed me. “I’m keeping you around.”

  I glared at him. “What makes you think I won’t do the same to you?”

  He smiled. “Because I’ll be really, really nice to you.”

  I pulled my tray back and ate like nothing happened.

  ***

  “You have a visitor,” the guard announced.

  “I don’t want to see her,” I said in a bored voice. I couldn’t believe Silke hadn’t give up yet. Perhaps I would have to get a restraining order to keep her away.

  “It’s a guy.”

  I raised an eyebrow then looked at him. I was sitting on my cot. “Who?”

  “Like I give damn to ask,” he snapped. “You coming or not?”

  I jumped off the bed then headed down the hallway. Then the guard escorted me into the visitor room. I looked around, wondering who had paid me a visit. I couldn’t think of a single person who’d stop by.

  Then I spotted Ryan, Silke’s father.

  I froze.

  The guard yanked me forward and I was forced to walk. He sat me down at the table then handcuffed me like an animal. After he checked the lock, he gave us privacy.

  I looked at Ryan, unsure what to say.

  He stared back at me, his face unreadable. “How are you holding up?” He rested his elbows on the table.

  “Fine.” I didn’t know what else to say. What did he want? Did he want to yell at me? Threaten me to stay away from his daughter? “I’m not seeing Silke anymore. I broke it off with her.” I blurted it out without sugarcoating it because I didn’t know what else to do.

  “I know.”

  Oh… “So…how are things with you?”

  “The shop is doing well. Janice has been busy with work so we haven’t had dinner all week. Slade and I have been ordering takeout every night. But that’s okay.” He spoke to me like everything was normal.

  I didn’t know what was happening. Why was he acting like nothing had happened. I was sitting in prison wearing a jumpsuit while I was handcuffed to the table. “Why are you here?”

  He studied my face. “I wanted to see you.”

  “Why?” I pressed. “I’m not seeing Silke anymore.”

  “Just because you aren’t seeing Silke anymore doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

  His words wound their way into my heart and almost shattered it. It was so unexpected and sudden. I didn’t even know how to process it. None of my friends, or at least people I thought were my friends, came to see me. Both of my parents abandoned me. I had no one. But he came. I didn’t know what to say, so I stared at the table.

  He continued on without waiting for a response. “Silke told me you were in here. I’m sorry.”

  “I committed a crime. I deserve to be in here.” I wasn’t going to make excuses. When I sold weed, I was perfectly aware of the fact there was a good possibility I would get caught. But since I never had something to live for before Silke came into my life, I never cared.

  He nodded. “Well, I hope you aren’t in there for long.”

  “My lawyer said it will be at least a year, maybe two.”

  “That’s what Silke told me.”

  Silence stretched. “How can you possibly care about me?” I blurted. “I dated your daughter for a year and I sell weed. You should hate me.”

  “My daughter wouldn’t have dated you if you didn’t have any good qualities,” he said simply. “I trust her judgment. She sees something in your that other people may not take the time to notice.”

  I adjusted my hands so the medal woul
dn’t bite into my wrists.

  “And I know you love my daughter. You proved it to me when you ended the relationship.”

  I looked back at him and felt my heart slow down. “She deserves someone better than me.”

  “I admit you can’t offer her much,” he said. “And I agree with you. I think my daughter needs to be with a man that can take care of her, make her happy, and not pull her back. Unfortunately, that isn’t you.”

  His words hurt but I tried to hide it.

  “But that doesn’t mean you aren’t still a part of this family.” He absentmindedly touched the ink around his ring ringer. “And we all care about you a great deal.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Why are you guys so nice to me? You’re all so much better than me.”

  “That isn’t true,” he said immediately. “At all.”

  I gave him an incredulous look. “Look where we are.”

  “Selling weed doesn’t make you a bad person. Killing someone does.”

  I didn’t have an argument.

  “Silke said you were convicted of other things too, but you didn’t commit them.”

  “How did she know that?” Did she read the police report or something?

  He smiled. “She just said she knew.”

  I sighed, hating it when Silke was right. “When my friend robbed a liquor store, I didn’t know that’s what he was doing. We were inside then he pulled out the gun. Since I was with him, I was convicted as an accomplice.”

  He nodded like he already knew the explanation.

  “And when my friend stole a car, he told me it was his. I didn’t know it was stolen. I was convicted for that too.”

  “You need to get some better friends,” he teased.

  For the first time since I walked into prison, I smiled. “You’re right.”

  “How about me?” Ryan said. “And I won’t get you into trouble.”

  His compassion caught me off guard. No one ever acted like they cared about me unless they wanted something. “Why are you being so nice to me?”