As Long as You Love Me

by Ann Aguirre

  Rob came to the kitchen door. “You’re going to freeze. Come in, we need to talk.”

  Was it ever good when somebody said that? I whistled for the dog and went inside to find hot cocoa waiting for me. After giving Happy a cookie, I sat down at the table for two by the window. He smiled as he joined me, apparently not grasping that things were about to fall apart.

  “So they offered me the show. They want me to move to Toronto, pretty much as soon as I can.” He hesitated. “But I don’t think this will work. I mean, with my parents and all, Nadia out of state. If my mom needs my help...I just can’t go, can I? When we were there, I didn’t think it would actually happen. So it was like...a pipe dream or something.”

  “And now you have an offer.” Part of me wanted to agree with him. Yeah, Rob, don’t be a bad son. How can you even consider leaving your folks? And me. But I loved him too much to stand in the way of his dreams, even if they couldn’t include me. “Don’t worry about your parents. I’ll help them out if they need it.”

  He stared like I had pulled a handful of change out of my own nose. “That doesn’t even make sense, Lauren. The only way I take this offer is if you go with me.”

  Fuck. Here we go.

  “No,” I said quietly. “This is something you have to do on your own. It’s a fantastic opportunity for you. Not me. I’m not quitting my job and moving to Canada.”

  And I don’t want to. I could picture the kind of life he’d have, chaotic and unsettled, lots of parties and media attention, so many strangers to schmooze. In other words, it would be my definition of hell. The panic attacks would kick in again, twice as hard, and pretty soon I’d be drinking more than ever. I was just starting to get a handle on my issues. Leaving now would drop me down a hole darker than I’d ever been.

  I can’t do it. Not even for you.

  “Then I won’t go, either,” he said, as if it were settled. “I’ll call Annette and say no.”

  And I was so tempted to let him chuck his future for me. I stared across the table at his dear, beautiful face as my throat tightened. Tears filled my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. I willed them away, setting Social Lauren firmly in place. She didn’t care about anything; the party girl never cried. I lifted my mug and took a sip.

  “That’s a mistake.” My voice was cool.

  “I’m not leaving you. With my parents, it would be an obligation. But you and Happy, you’re everything to me.”

  “Ah. Damn. Then it’s time to admit...I don’t think this is working out.”

  His face froze. “What?”

  “Us. Whether you leave or stay, I’m moving out. I’ve been talking to Avery and Jill about getting an apartment together.” That was the biggest lie I ever told in my life, and it was a wonder he didn’t sense it because Rob was usually so good at seeing through my bullshit.

  The naked pain in his eyes almost wrecked my hard facade. “Where’s this coming from? I had no idea, I thought we were—”

  “Happy? That’s the dog, and she’s a little less complicated.” Yeah. A dog would never break somebody’s heart this way, but if I didn’t take it all the way to the bitter end, he’d never go, and I couldn’t be the reason he turned down such an opportunity. Whatever it took, I wouldn’t let Rob limit his potential because of my fear.

  “This is good timing,” I said. “It’ll be easier for you to make a fresh start in Toronto.”

  “I don’t want that. I want you.” He stared at me fiercely, openly, the Rob who never hid anything, not from me.

  I wouldn’t have it for much longer. As soon as he accepted that I meant it, the bars would come down. “If you’re thinking about staying to work things out with me, don’t bother. I’m not ready for all of this, it’s too much, and I need to focus on school. So go have this amazing life. You deserve it. Prove to everyone how much more you are than they ever imagined.”

  Of everything I just said, the last thing was the only part I meant. But my poker face was too good for even Rob to penetrate. It almost killed me when he lifted his chin, blinking long lashes against the tears. Mine were frozen into a solid core, nuclear winter in my chest.

  “Why are you talking like this? It doesn’t even sound like you.” Tilting his head, he frowned in perplexity. “Why can’t we do long-distance, if you don’t want to move?”

  Shit. He’s not entirely buying it.

  “Rob...if I was planning to move out, why would I tie myself to a boyfriend I can’t even bang before bed? That’s all of the limitations of a relationship, none of the fun, and I was already feeling kind of...trapped.”

  He flinched. “I’m sorry life with me wasn’t...fun.”

  It was so much more; it was perfect.

  “I’ll start looking for a place,” I said, pretending his pain didn’t slash me open.

  I never wanted to hurt you. Not you. I’m so sorry. But you can’t stay and I can’t follow.

  Wiping his eyes, he reached down to rub Happy’s head, and her tail thumped against the floor. “No, you should stay. I want you here, even if...you’re not with me.”

  “No way.” I couldn’t live here without him. That would just be an endless turning of the knife, and I’d never get over him.

  “It would help if I had some rent coming in to cover this house payment. And you’re already here. I don’t have time to look for a tenant before I leave.”

  After stomping on his heart, I couldn’t say no. “Okay. Are you taking her?”

  His hand slowed in rubbing between the dog’s ears. “She’ll be better off with the yard and all. I’ll be in an apartment, and I don’t know how much time I’ll have to play with her.”

  “I’ll take good care of her. With the dog door, she can run outside as much as she wants, even when I’m at work.”

  “I have one request.”

  “What?”

  “I want to take the stories you wrote with me. I haven’t finished yet. I need to know how it ends.”

  That opened me up but I couldn’t break, not with his whole future depending on my strength. My hands trembled, so I curled them into fists. “Sure, you can take the binders. I don’t need them anymore.”

  He swallowed hard. “I was afraid you’d say that.”

  “Rob—”

  He held up a hand, an invisible wall between us. “Back to business. If it helps, you can ask Avery to move in, split the rent with her.” He cleared his throat, his face set in impenetrable lines. “It would help me if you look in on my parents now and then, like you said.”

  “No problem.”

  Rob made a fist and slammed it against the table, rattling the mugs, so hot chocolate slopped over the side. A whimper escaped Happy and she jumped away from him to huddle against my knees. I patted her, hurting so bad I couldn’t breathe.

  “Tell me one thing...you owe me that. Did you ever love me at all?”

  I smiled at him wryly. “Not enough.”

  Too much. More than anyone, ever.

  “I never said it because I was waiting for you to tell me how you feel. I thought, any day now, she’ll kiss me good-night and whisper it in my ear.”

  Until this moment, I didn’t realize I was holding the words hostage, a last ditch self-defense mechanism. Not telling him didn’t keep me from falling hopelessly in love, though. I could only whisper, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

  “You’ve destroyed me,” he corrected quietly. “If you just wanted to fuck, you shouldn’t have encouraged me to think I matter. I wish you hadn’t let me hope.”

  There was no way this conversation would get better, and if he unleashed any more emotional honesty, I might break. “I should go.”

  He shook his head, shoving back from the table. “I’ll pack my shit and take off.”

  “Tonight?” I wasn’t prepared for that, tho
ugh maybe I should’ve been.

  “Why not? What’s keeping me here?”

  “Don’t you want to have dinner with your parents or something, share your good news?”

  Rob shrugged. “So they can tell me I’m not as smart as Nadia and I’m kidding myself that anyone will take me seriously in Toronto after they listen to me talk for ten minutes? I’ve had enough of everyone in this town, I’m out.”

  Finally, I thought. My work here is done.

  “Be careful. Make sure you rest. It’s a long drive.” That wasn’t even remotely what I wanted to say.

  By his expression, I shouldn’t have bothered. “Stop. I won’t be your friend, I’m not going to pretend you haven’t yanked my heart out of my chest, just so you don’t feel bad.”

  “That’s fair,” I managed.

  “I’ll send you the rental agreement. Have a nice life, Lauren.”

  He got up and strode out of the kitchen. Upstairs, I heard him packing. I stared into my cocoa mug, moving the dregs with a spoon, until he went out of the front door. Happy trotted after him, and she whimpered when he shut it quietly in her face. She loved riding in his truck, and she didn’t understand that this time, he wasn’t going to Safeway or the Stop & Go. This time, he wouldn’t be back. I didn’t move until I couldn’t hear his engine anymore. Rob was gone. Gone, gone, gone. I’d accomplished exactly what I set out to, but I’d never felt worse in my life. The dog trotted back in the kitchen to paw my leg, and I slid out of my chair to sit on the floor with her. When she licked my face, I realized I was finally crying. Leaning forward, I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed into her fur. Surprisingly, she didn’t try to get away.

  Half an hour later, I staggered to my feet. I needed to eat but I didn’t want anything. For fuck’s sake, I’d just driven the person I loved most out of my life. The fact that I had to live here without him, Jesus, what kind of cruel and unusual punishment was that? Everything felt bleak and hollow, and all I wanted to do was drink myself unconscious. I shouldn’t.

  You were doing so well.

  For a while, I resisted temptation. I gave Happy her dinner and cuddled with her on the couch while tears came in intermittent bursts. Talking might help, but I couldn’t face anyone. So I went to the kitchen and dug out Rob’s stash. He liked good whiskey now and then, not enough to worry me. Of the two of us, I was the one with the potential problem. I got a glass and carried the bottle to the couch. I poured some out and stared at the amber liquid, then on a rush of horror, I shook my head and got up. Gathering all of my resolve, I poured the liquor out and then dumped the rest of the bottle down the sink.

  Not doing this. Otherwise you might as well have gone with him.

  When I went back into the living room, Happy greeted me with a wag of her tail. I sat down beside her and clicked on the TV, currently set on HGTV. I could be watching Rob on here, this time next year. It sounded both impossible and sad. Eventually, I’d end up telling people online that I used to date the insanely sexy guy from Hot Property.

  Nadia. I should call her.

  I got my phone, but instead of hitting the contact button, I pulled up Google Maps and input our address along with the studio location in Toronto. Twenty-three hours. I wouldn’t be able to relax until I knew he got there safely. If he didn’t sleep—I swallowed hard.

  Then I tapped Nadia’s picture without thinking about the time difference. By the time she answered, I realized it must be close to ten in Michigan. “Hey, Lauren. What’s up?”

  “I broke up with Rob.”

  “Shit, what happened? What’d he do?” It was sweet that she immediately took my side, but perversely, it also pissed me off. She was his sister.

  “It’s not like that.” Quietly I outlined the circumstances, along with the incredible opportunity Rob had considered giving up for me.

  “Holy shit, he’s getting a home improvement show?” Finally, she sounded impressed. “I can’t wait to tell Mom and especially Dad. He’ll be so excited.”

  “When you tell them, make sure they understand he was just swept up in the excitement. He had to rush off to start filming.” The last thing Rob needed was an earful of guilt about the way he’d left town, on top of everything else.

  “Oh, totally. I understand why you didn’t want to chuck everything to follow him,” she said after a short silence. “But I don’t really get why you felt like you had to cut the cord so completely.”

  Maybe explaining it would make it easier to bear on my end, too. “The idea of being a public figure horrifies me. Like, more than most people.” Taking a breath, I told her about the anxiety attacks and my drinking. “I never let on because...I was ashamed. I know now that I can’t help it, and I’m doing better, I really am.”

  “I wish you’d told me.” Nadia sounded choked up, and I could imagine the way she’d be curled up, arms around her knees. She drew in like a turtle when she was hurting.

  “I just wanted to be normal,” I whispered.

  “That’s...nobody. It’s a myth.”

  “Maybe you’re right. Anyway, I couldn’t cope in the life Rob’s heading off to...magazine articles, reporters, interviews, people occasionally taking pictures of us when I least expect it....” I almost had a panic attack thinking about it. “If I didn’t break it off hard, he’d be looking over his shoulder, split between his new life and his old one.”

  “You wanted to ensure he has the best possible chance to make a go of this, gave him complete freedom to shoot for the moon.”

  “Yeah,” I said in a voice thick with tears.

  “Wow. You really love him a lot.”

  That was all it took to get me crying again. The tears stung my eyes, tickling in my nose and burning my throat. “I have to go. Make it okay with your parents, all right? He’s given everything to everybody else for so long, he deserves this. And don’t worry about them. I promised Rob I’ll help out when needed.”

  “Are you sure? I can come home.”

  “No, it’s fine. I’m here. I’ve got this.” Happy licked the tears from my cheek.

  “Then I’ll square things with Mom and Dad. If nothing else, years of being the golden child means when I talk, they listen.”

  “Thanks. You’ll never know what this means to me.”

  She paused, and in the silence, I heard Mr. Hot Ginger say something in the background, but she shushed him. “Just like Rob will never know how much you love him?”

  If the admission to heaven was dictated by the degree of sacrifice, it shouldn’t matter what I did with the rest of my life. I’d taken a figurative knife to my chest in cutting Rob out. The wound was still fresh, raw meat of the soul.

  I swallowed the pain and answered, “It’s for the best. In every girl’s life, there’s always one who got away.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Though I resisted the urge to get drunk off my ass, I couldn’t face work on Friday. So I called in and my throat was so sore from sobbing that I sounded convincingly hoarse. After texting Avery that I wasn’t up for girls’ night, I fed Happy and then went back to bed. I just wanted to sleep because when I was unconscious, I couldn’t feel.

  I woke up to the sound of someone pounding on the front door. Gummy-eyed and dizzy, probably from low blood sugar, I stumbled downstairs and opened it. I was astonished to find Avery standing on the porch, still dressed in work clothes. From the angle of the sun, it was just past five.

  “You never cancel,” she said, giving me a worried look.

  “What’re you doing here?”

  “Being a friend. I think. Am I doing it right?”

  “Go away.” I tried to shut the door, but she shouldered it open and pushed past me.

  “Where’s Rob?”

  “Toronto. In case you didn’t know, he’s internet famous these days, soon to be
Canadian famous.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but you smell. Go take a shower or I’ll scrub you myself.” Apparently Avery believed in tough love.

  Since I was afraid she meant it, I crawled up the stairs and stood in a stream of hot water until I could muster the energy to wash. When I came back down, she’d made sandwiches and fed the dog. Happy seemed to like her, though her favor might spring from the fact that Avery had opened the expensive cans. I sank into the chair, watching her move around the kitchen with a sense of unreality.

  She put a plate in front of me. “How long has he been gone?”

  “Since last night.”

  “And you already look this bad? I don’t know if I’m impressed or disappointed.”

  “You’re not funny,” I mumbled.

  As Happy licked her dish around the kitchen floor, I nibbled on the sandwich: turkey on wheat, Swiss cheese, no mayo. It was kind of dry, so I washed it down with the water she’d poured for me. Her cooking might not be very good, but Avery was here, more than I could say about anyone else. Deep down I knew that wasn’t fair; I’d told Nadia not to come home and my mom had no idea how fucked up my life had become. I hated the idea of bringing her down, though, because things were going so great with her and Stuart.

  “At least I don’t have to worry about Rob getting arrested anymore.”

  That caught my attention. “Huh?”

  “I heard they questioned him about what happened to Davies’s car.”

  For some reason, her tone set me on high alert. “What do you know about that?”

  “Simple. I did it.”

  “What the hell...why?” I put down my water glass, arrested by the glaring truth that Avery was troubled with capital T.

  “Men like him, they have all the authority. I just wanted one of them to pay for once. They get away with everything, always. Nothing we do matters, nothing we say, either.”