The Monster Hunter

by Guy Bass

  “Wait, that’s your plan? To fake it?” howled Arabella in disbelief.

  “SWaRTiKi!” concurred Pox, snapping at Stitch Head.

  “I like this plan! It is like Let’s Pretend We’re Monsters!” said Ivo excitedly. “I am best at this game. Are you sure you are not wanting me to be most monstrous monster?”

  “Uh…” began Stitch Head.

  “But what if Dotty ain’t fooled?” asked Arabella. “What about my blinkin’ boots?”

  “The – the Creature fooled her without even meaning to,” said Stitch Head. “Maybe the other creations can do the same.”

  “Ugh, fine – have it your way,” growled Arabella. “But good luck getting any of this lot to be monstrous. They’re softer than socks!”

  Stitch Head took a deep breath and nervously stepped forwards to address the creations.

  “Um, hello,” he began, so quietly that no one could hear him. “Um, I need your help, to help the—”

  “I beg your pardon, would you mind awfully speaking up a tad, old chap?” said a steam-powered skull from the back. “Some of us have no ears, you know…”

  “Oi! Shut your gobs!” Arabella barked. She pushed her hat back on to her head. “Stitch Head’s telling you his rubbish plan!”

  “YaBBit!” Pox echoed.

  “Uh, thanks,” Stitch Head said, as the creations fell silent. He took another step forwards. “Um, some of you might have – uh, heard about our visitor. Well, she’s come here to find a really monstrous monster.”

  “So, have you told her she’s in the wrong place?” asked a hideously huge, seven-armed cyborg serpent with a flaming brain. “I defy you to find anything even approaching monstrous in here.”

  “The – the thing is,” continued Stitch Head, “I’ve spent my almost-life curing you of your – your monstrous ways … soothing your savagery … removing your rage … mending your madness. But now I need you to remember who you were before the remedies and the tonics and the cures – to be the ferocious, untamed monstrosities you were made to be … to be wicked and feral and terrifying … to be fierce and fearsome and ferocious … I need you … to pretend to be monsters. Who’s with me?”

  There was a long, awkward silence. Then:

  “Me, be monstrous?” said a creation constructed entirely from vital organs. “I don’t think I have the guts for it.”

  “I just can’t see myself being vicious,” noted a flying eyeball. “Now, if you needed a decorative scatter cushion making, it’d be a different matter…”

  “I really prefer fishing to ferocity…” said a brain on wheels.

  The creations continued to make their excuses. Before long, some even began to disperse.

  “B-but I need your help! Please!” Stitch Head begged. “Dotty Dauntless is going to take the Creature!”

  A hush fell over the room. Then:

  “The Creature? Well, why didn’t you say so before, dear chap?” came a cry.

  “I’d do anything for the Creature!” said another. “You couldn’t ask for a finer creation!”

  “The Creature sang at our wedding!”

  “It gave us marriage counselling!”

  “The Creature brought me out of my shell through amateur dramatics!”

  “It’s the best after-dinner speaker I’ve ever known!”

  “How can we help? Tell us, do!”

  “Huh,” said Arabella, putting her hat back on as the noise grew louder. “I didn’t see that coming.”

  Stitch Head ended up with more volunteers than he knew what to do with. With the clock ticking on his wager, he narrowed the list to the creations he thought could reasonably pretend to be monstrous and then assembled them in the main hall. They were:

  Fulbert, a massive six-armed lizard beast who had (before Stitch Head cured him) been responsible for chasing Fulbert Freakfinder out of the castle, following the scheming ringmaster’s foiled kidnap attempt on Professor Erasmus. Though Fulbert had borrowed Freakfinder’s forename, he had none of his disagreeable qualities.

  Leonora, a hulking hairball with great claws for hands. She was as immense as the Creature, but with the added bonus of having more hair than most of the other creations put together. Her hobbies included musical theatre, topiary and memorizing flags.

  Updike, an upside-down-faced octo-monster who lived in the castle moat. He was a truly colossal combination of octopus, sea snake and squid. He was an excellent joke-teller, but didn’t like to make his punchlines too funny in case they brought about a case of hysterical vapours.

  “Well, they do look pretty monstrous, at least,” admitted Arabella, surveying the creations as Pox snarled at them judgmentally. “But you’d better convince that old bag you are monstrous, ’cause I ain’t giving up my kicking boots for anyone.”

  “Plan is good!” added Ivo, leaning against the unconscious Creature as it lay slumped on the hall floor. “As long as Dotty Dauntless does not shoot everyone with—”

  “Uh, Ivo, why don’t you keep a lookout for Dotty?” interrupted Stitch Head quickly.

  “I won’t let you down, Stitch Head,” said Leonora, as Ivo hurried to the courtyard door. “I’ve acted in several of the Creature’s plays. As a performer, I’m in touch with all my emotional facets, including my savage side. I shall scare this Dotty Dauntless out of her skin!”

  “I occasionally catch sight of myself in the mirror and marvel at my many unsettling limbs and distractingly menacing proportions,” said Fulbert proudly. “I’m a roar away from scaring myself!”

  “And I have a vague recollection of trying to kill you, Stitch Head,” added Updike, slithering up the wall. “Just before you gave me that Serenity Salve… I’ve felt quite placid ever since, but for the Creature, I’m sure I can channel the old rage and be bowel-looseningly scary.”

  “Thank you … thank you so much,” said Stitch Head, wondering if this plan might not be as terrible as he first thought.

  “Just so long as I can get over the human problem,” added Updike.

  “The human problem?” Stitch Head repeated.

  “Oh yes,” replied Updike. “Since having to share the castle with one hundred orphans, I’m afraid I’ve acquired an acute phobia of human beings.”

  “Me too,” admitted Leonora. “These days I can’t even look at a picture of a human without screaming in horror and running away.”

  “I thought I was the only one!” declared Fulbert. “What a relief! I’ve been suffering in silence all this time…”

  “It’s affecting half the castle,” said Leonora. “You should come along to one of the Creature’s How to Handle Humanphobia healing meetings. They’re marvellous! A problem shared and all that…”

  “Wait, you – you’re all terrified of humans?” said Stitch Head.

  “Oh yes, absolutely petrified,” said Updike with a nod of his upside-down face.

  “That’s bonkers – what about me?” said Arabella.

  “You’re human?” exclaimed Leonora. “But you’re so … undomesticated. We all assumed you were a creation that Stitch Head couldn’t cure.”

  “Charmin’!” Arabella sneered. “When this is over, remind me to kick you all in the—”

  “Stitch Head! Dotty Dauntless is coming!” interrupted Ivo, his ear pressed against the courtyard door. “Three hours is up! I hear her—”

  The door swung open, knocking Ivo to the floor.

  “Time’s up, little Scamp! Let’s see these—Great thunder!” boomed Dotty Dauntless, striding into the room with F. Darkenfire close behind. She peered up at the three massive creations and cast her arms wide in glee. “You were right! A bet well won! Look at how monstrous they—”

  “Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

  At the sight of Dotty Dauntless, the three creations squealed in horror. The sound was even tinier and more mouse-like than the Creature’s shrill squeals. Fulbert the lizard-monster immediately turned tail (or tails) and ran out of the room; Updike slithered up on to the ceiling in panic
, sweating nervous slime on to the floor and whimpering like a chided dog, while Leonora dived under a nearby table, shaking so hard her hair began to fall out.

  “That…” muttered Stitch Head, rubbing his eyes, “didn’t go quite as well as I’d hoped.”

  “You don’t say,” replied Arabella in a growling whisper. “My potion plan ain’t looking so bad now, is it?”

  “What a curious paradox,” boomed Dotty Dauntless. “They look monstrous enough, but they’re as meek as kitten cubs!”

  “Hindeed … I can’t think what my cousin was so scared about,” said F. Darkenfire, stroking his beard with obvious concern. “Could it be Mad Professor Erasmus ’as lost his touch?”

  “Just – just give me more time!” pleaded Stitch Head. “I’ll find you a monstrous monster!”

  “I think I’ll stick with the one I’ve got, thanks all the same,” Dotty replied, watching Leonora shiver and whimper under the table. “I suspect the Venture Club will be more inclined to honour our bet if my monster does not squeal like a child who’s had its hair pulled. And speaking of wagers…”

  She looked at Arabella, and then her gaze dropped slowly to her kicking boots. “A bet is a bet, my little wolverine…”

  “Not a chance! These boots is mine! They was given to me by my ol’ nan and there ain’t nothing in the world that’d make me give ’em up!” protested Arabella.

  Pox yapped in angry agreement.

  “One must not welch on a wager, moppet!” Dotty declared, closing in. “I have a pair of slippers you can have instead…”

  “I ain’t wearing no slippers! You’ll have to tear these boots off my feet and it’ll cost you a face full of teeth!” Arabella snarled, kicking the air wildly. “Aaargh! Raargh! Aar—”

  “HEY! Are WE playing Let’s PRETEND we’re MONSTERS again?” said a familiar voice. “GREAT!”

  Everyone spun around.

  It was the Creature.

  And it was awake!

  “Creature!”

  Stitch Head, Arabella and Ivo all cried the Creature’s name as it stretched and yawned.

  “Great thunder, my monster’s recovered sooner than I thought!” said Dotty Dauntless, drawing her pistol.

  “Not again…!” yelped Stitch Head. He grabbed Arabella’s hat from her head and flung it at Dotty Dauntless. It knocked the pistol from her hand just as she pulled the trigger:

  A dart embedded in the wall, inches from the Creature’s face. It peered bewilderedly at the dart as Dotty’s pistol clattered to the floor.

  “Everyone back!” shouted Dotty. “I shall wrestle this behemoth if that’s what it—”

  “I JUST had another WONDERFUL dream!” interrupted the Creature. “I was TRAPPED in a CAGE and I was MILES from home and EVERYONE was STARING at me and— No, wait, that’s a TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE! Somebody HOLD ME…”

  “My monster, it speaks!” uttered Dotty Dauntless, her mouth agape as the Creature squealed its high-pitched squeal. “And it sounds ridiculous.”

  “HELLO there!” the Creature boomed, shaking Dotty’s hand with its third arm. “I don’t believe we’ve had the TREASURE of meeting! I’m the CREATURE, which isn’t really a REAL name, but if I DID have one I think it would be OSCAR or OTIS or ORVILLE or BENJAMIN or BYRON or SHELLEY or SHERMAN and my FAVOURITE things are TICKLING and LAUGHING and STORIES with HAPPY endings and SONGS about FLOWERS and playing Let’s PRETEND We’re MONSTERS even though I can’t play for TOO long because I get NERVOUS…”

  Dotty Dauntless took a few steps back, disbelief making her weak at the knees.

  “Not monstrous,” she muttered in horror. “My monster’s not monstrous!”

  “I don’t mind being the first to say it – we blinkin’ told you so,” said Arabella, stamping her feet victoriously. “None of ’em are.”

  “None…?” said Dotty and Darkenfire together, the penny dropping at last.

  “Not even one,” said Ivo.

  Stitch Head quietly breathed a small sigh of relief, and then, for some reason, felt the need to add, “I’m sorry.”

  “Can I have been deluded?” said Dotty, her heart sinking before their eyes. “Great thunder, perhaps the boys at the Venture Club were right, after all … perhaps this was a fool’s errand. Why should one be monstrous simply because one looks the part? Perhaps the only true monsters are the ones we create, the ones that emerge from the murkier recesses of our own imaginations.”

  “GRuKK!” barked Pox.

  “And now the unthinkable has happened – I have lost my wager with the Venture Club,” Dotty continued, steadying herself against a wall. “It appears your cousin was mistaken, Fergus…”

  “So hit does,” replied Darkenfire, staring at Stitch Head suspiciously. “Yet he says he saw them with ’is very own eyes…”

  “Sounds to me like your cousin needs glasses!” said Arabella, giving Stitch Head a wink as she replaced her hat on her head.

  “OH, you were NEVER going to find any MONSTERS around here,” boomed the Creature, putting a sympathetic claw on Dotty’s shoulder. “NOT after Stitch Head CURES them all, anyway.”

  “Cures…?” said Dotty.

  “Creature!” whispered Stitch Head.

  “Shut it!” added Arabella.

  “Stitch Head is TOO modest,” added the Creature proudly. “This castle would be TEEMING with MONSTERS if it wasn’t for his POTIONS…”

  “Great thunder, is this true, little Scamp?” said Dotty, rounding on Stitch Head. “Do you cure these monsters of their monstrousness?”

  “I-I—” Stitch Head stuttered, grasping his bag of potions tightly.

  “Oh, Stitch Head’s GREAT at curing creations!” boomed the Creature. “You should SEE how MONSTROUS we all were BEFORE he used his POTIONS on us!”

  “And what would ’appen if you didn’t cure them?” asked Darkenfire.

  “Good question! Would they be savage? Feral? Bestial?” Dotty moved toward Stitch Head, her eyes lighting up once more. “Would they be monstrous?”

  “Well, uh, I suppose, but – but that’s not—” Stitch Head muttered, as he found himself backing into a corner.

  “We’d be SO monstrous!” replied the Creature. “Just WAIT, the professor’s NEWEST creation is going to be AWAKENED any MINUTE now. It’s going to be GREAT! And completely TERRIFYING!”

  “Creature, please stop talking…” whispered Stitch Head, his back now pressed up against the wall.

  “Where would I find this new monster? How soon can it be ready? Show me!” said Dotty Dauntless, her face inches from Stitch Head’s, a look of mania in her eyes. “Great thunder, we’re back in business! I can win my bet after all!”

  Oi! Back off or I’ll kick your ears!” interrupted Arabella, pushing her way between Dotty Dauntless and Stitch Head.

  “But I need a monster!” cried Dotty in desperation. “I must have a monster!”

  “You don’t think I want to see some proper monsters, roaring and raging and smashing up this place? ’Course I do!” said Arabella. “But if you think you can order Stitch Head around just ’cause you own the castle, you’ve got another thing coming!”

  Arabella clenched her fists and teeth. Dotty Dauntless looked at Stitch Head, fearful and cowed against the wall. She paused, and took a few steps back.

  “I’m sorry … I didn’t mean to scare you,” Dotty said, her tone suddenly subdued. “But I have spent a lifetime searching for a monster. It has been my dream to find one for longer than I can remember. It has made me reckless.” She leaned against the wall as if to steady herself. “I was so sure I would win my wager, that I staked my fortune upon it. Every last penny to my name. Every possession. Everything I own.”

  “Everything…?” muttered Stitch Head. His skin prickled with fear.

  “Everything,” repeated Dotty Dauntless. “Including Castle Grotteskew.”

  Stitch Head felt his knees weaken.

  “Th-the castle?” he whispered.

  “Well, technically I bet the c
astle and everything in it,” replied Dotty Dauntless awkwardly. “But only because I didn’t think I would lose!”

  “B-but this is the creations’ home! This is our home!” said Stitch Head.

  Pox barked in angry agreement.

  “Not for long, I’m afraid,” replied Dotty. “We explorers are a single-minded lot. Once the Venture Club learn they have won the castle, they will use it to fund their exploring. What they do not plunder themselves, they will sell off – auction to the highest bidder.”

  “Let ’em try. We’ll fight ’em for it!” growled Arabella.

  “But if the professor doesn’t own the castle … then the castle isn’t ours to fight for,” said Stitch Head, feeling more lost than ever.

  “Then what? We just pack our bags and leave?” Arabella growled.

  “Per’aps there is hanother way,” mused Darkenfire, stroking his beard. He glanced down at Stitch Head. “Per’aps your master is the key to all this.”

  “The – the professor?” Stitch Head said nervously.

  “What are you getting at, Darkenfire?” asked Dotty Dauntless.

  “I’m not a hexpert on these matters, Miss Dotty,” Darkenfire continued. “But the way I see it, we are in desperate need of a real monster … one that ’as not been cured. For that we need a beast fresh from the creating table. For that we need Mad Professor Erasmus!”

  “Aha-ha-ha-HA!”

  High above the professor’s laboratory, an odd assortment of humans and creations made their way to Stitch Head’s favourite place. Sitting in line upon the wooden rafter were Stitch Head, Arabella, the Creature, Ivo, Dotty Dauntless and F. Darkenfire (while Pox flitted about their heads) watching and waiting for the professor to finish his new creation. With their combined weight, the ancient wood of the rafters had started to strain and creak.

  “Aha-HAA! Mad science and me, up a tree, E-X-P-E-R-I-M-E-N-T-I-N-G!” cried the professor, cackling as madly as any mad professor had ever cackled. The shape lying on his creating table was undeniably monstrous. It was a horribly huge monstrosity with two equally unpleasant-looking heads, four arms and bony spikes protruding from all over its body.