The Clue of the Linoleum Lederhosen

by M. T. Anderson

  While they played, they narrated tales of their success.

  One said, “The Manley Boys—stout, fearless sons of ace detective Bark Manley—were good at all kinds of sports and games.”

  “They were playing billiards at the Moose Tongue Lodge one night,” said Fud, shaking the billiard table. “‘Fud,’ said Jank, ‘we are the springy, up-to-the-minute sons of ace detective Bark Manley’ “

  “‘Yes, Jank,’ said Fud, the more wicker of the two,” said Jank. “‘I wonder if there is a mystery here that we can solve with our powers of mystery. Solving.’”

  “‘What about those missing Hooper Quints?’ said Fud,” said Jank. “‘That is surely a swell mystery that is equal to us, the standing, beaded, personal sons of ace detective Bark Manley.’ His more attractive brother Jank agreed.”

  “His more attractive brother Jank did not agree. Jank was stupid.”

  “Fud Manley, other son of ace detective Bark Manley, was stupider.”

  They put down the billiard table. Growling, they faced each other.

  Their confusing argument went on for a while—“Jank was stupider”; “No, um, Fud was stupider”—until they started wrestling, a big thumping mess of cardigan sweaters and gray flannel trousers.

  “Lily,” said a woman Lily had never seen before, standing right next to her. “Good to see you!”

  Lily looked at her suspiciously. “Hi…,” said Lily uncertainly.

  “It’s me,” said the woman.

  She was about forty-five, with long red hair. Lily had never seen her before in her life. “It’s me,” the woman repeated.

  When Lily didn’t say anything, the woman said, “They can make bamboo into anything these days. Check out this wristwatch!” She held out her wrist. It had a bamboo band. “That’s pure bamboo!”

  Lily was starting to feel like the earth had dropped away beneath her feet and she was someplace else.

  “Why are you looking at me like a fish?” said the woman. “It’s me, Lily.”

  Lily said, “I’m … I forgot your name.”

  The woman chucked Lily on the shoulder. “Remember my extrasensory perception? Most people do! You and me were always in the same search party!” She smiled wide. “And there’s little Eddie Wax!”

  Eddie looked at their new friend suspiciously.

  Lily backed away, inspecting the woman through her bangs. “I don’t remember you,” said Lily.

  The woman laughed and shrugged. “It’s Rick,” she said. “Rick. Remember? Oh, I got my green poplin jumpsuit all dirty.”

  Rick had worn a green poplin jumpsuit. The woman was wearing a red striped jacket. She did not look anything like Rick.

  “I’ve got to go,” said Lily. “I think I need some fresh air.”

  “Good to see you, Lily,” said the woman. “I hope that everything turns out to be a wonderful success.”

  Lily walked quickly for the exit, feeling as though she was going to throw up. Eddie ran along behind her.

  They stepped outside onto one of the porches. The wind blew up from the chasms below them and hissed across the parking lot.

  “That made no sense,” said Lily. “I feel like I have a fever”

  “Don’t worry, Lily,” said Eddie Wax. “We’ll get to the bottom of this.”

  And I certainly hope he’s right.

  Eddie Wax and Lily stared, tense with confusion, into the dark night. Guests walked by lit windows. The trees whooshed in the chilly winds.

  By the service entrance, a truck unloaded crates of red herrings for the kitchen.

  There were about ninety-five pounds in all.

  The life of a manager at a luxury hotel is never easy. One person complains that their room is too hot. Another complains that their room has too many angles. Another person thinks something is hidden inside their pillow. Someone else wants free shoes. A rock star keeps throwing an Etch A Sketch out the window and lighting his pajamas on fire. There are rats in the cellars. Huge rats. They want a cable connection.

  And, then, in comes a girl and a boy holding one of the guests gagged between them, whispering that they’ve solved the mystery of the missing Hooper Quints. Even though the boy is Jasper Dash, famed for his escapades with riveted airships, and the girl is Katie Mulligan, known for combating evil wherever it shambles and drools, it is not easy to call together everyone in the hotel in one place and make accusations just because two thirteen-year-olds have requested it.

  “I’m sorry,” said Sid. “You’ll have to wait an hour and a half until our evening Hot Cocoa Splurge in the game room.”

  “It’s really important,” said Katie. “We think we have all the clues we need to solve the crimes! We just have to figure out a few things and put the pieces together right.”

  “Wait for the Splurge,” said Sid, and picked up an incoming phone call.

  Katie and Jasper pulled the duct tape off Dr. Schmeltzer’s face.

  “Ow!” he said. “I believe you devilish tots have pulled out the fine crop of hairs I was cultivating on my nose.”

  “Oops,” said Katie. “Sorry.”

  “Why, Dr. Schmeltzer,” called Mrs. Mandrake from across the room, “look at you! Without those ugly hairs, you cut quite a dashing figure! Plucked, you remind me less of someone hiding behind a stand of Spanish moss.”

  “The bats, madam, do not shun hair on their snouts. They find hair beautiful.”

  “I admire your commitment,” said Mrs. Mandrake. “Would you have any interest in sipping a cup of chocolate with me a little later, at the Cocoa Splurge?”

  Dr. Schmeltzer considered.

  “Katie! Jasper!” Lily called. She had just come out of the elevator, dressed in her coat. “I was about to go and look for you!”

  Katie ran to her side. “We’ve got to talk,” she said. “Lots and lots and lots to tell you. And we have to tell everything to Jasper. And we have to be absolutely sure who committed these crimes by an hour and a half from now.” She looked around carefully to make sure no one had heard her.

  “We’re going to make our accusations at the Cocoa Splurge?”

  Katie nodded. “Sid told us to.”

  Jasper came over, and Lily almost danced up and down to see him.

  “You, Lily, are a sight for sore eyes,” he said.

  Now they were all three together again. Now everything felt right.

  They rushed up to their room: That is, they rushed up to 46B, knocked loudly, and when the man wearily let them in, they rushed past him into his bathroom. Lily gave him a bag of lemon cookies she’d found.

  They went into the Sky Suite and closed the door. Then they started babbling. No one knew who should speak first. They kept jabbering and pointing and laughing just for the sheer joy of being reunited.

  Lily told them about the weird woman in the game room. Katie told them about what she had heard during the theft. Jasper told them about the dastardly mucus.

  “Mucus?!?” said Lily.

  “Snot,” said Katie, wriggling her hands. “I saw it. It was ewww.”

  “That was one of the closest scrapes with death I’ve ever had,” said Jasper, “and it happened mostly in my sinuses.”

  Pretty soon they realized that they were going to have to organize their various clues. Jasper ran to a riveted desk and pulled out some Post-it notes.

  They started to write down all the things they had learned about the mystery.

  I wish I had done that, too. Frankly, I am becoming increasingly worried that it is impossible to find a solution to this puzzle that works. Then I will be in big trouble. You will seek me out, and you will yell at me while I’m trying to eat my luncheon special in peace. I will snivel into my pad thai.

  I may be in trouble here.

  We will have to see.

  As they stuck the Post-it notes on the walls in rows, Katie and Lily and Jasper asked each other questions like these: Did the person who stole the necklace also kidnap the Quints? Was there just one person, or were there s
everal people involved? How did the kidnapping tie in with the theft? Was it likely that one of the guests was the person in the black ski mask at the cave? Was there any way to prove their suspicions beyond a reasonable doubt? And do it in time for the Cocoa Splurge?

  Katie was enjoying solving mysteries again. Her eyes were bright and she kept licking her lips.

  “Opportunity,” said Jasper. “Who had the opportunity to kidnap the Quints?”

  “Almost anyone,” said Lily. “The kidnapping happened before everyone gathered at the hotel.”

  “We met everyone after the kidnapping happened,” said Katie.

  “Who had the opportunity to steal the necklace?” mused Lily.

  “It happened when you were all gathered on the lawn in your search parties, about ready to start up the mountain,” said Katie.

  “The necklace was stolen while people …” Jasper stalled. He blushed. He did not think it was proper to mention people going to the bathroom in the presence of girls.

  “Used the bathroom,” said Katie. “Who went to the bathroom right then?”

  “A lot of the guests,” said Jasper.

  “But not Rick,” Lily noted. “He was with me. And we should remember, it doesn’t have to be a guest.” She blew her bangs back from her face. “It could be a person from the staff. Like Sid.”

  “Good point,” said Katie. “Suspect every-one.”

  This kind of discussion continued for a while. They were thinking and arguing and bringing up points and counterpoints. And gradually things became clear to them. They scribbled out more clues. Soon they had Post-it notes all over the wall, and Katie had also stuck some on Jasper, who was sitting in the way, stroking his chin. He got feisty and stuck three motives on her back when she wasn’t looking.

  Lily pulled them off and showed them to her.

  Katie tickled Jasper when he was writing a note about Mrs. Mandrake, so it read:

  First missed necklace when a

  Outside, the air had turned frigid. The windows of the lodge slowly glazed white. Snow started to fall over the black, twisted places in the forest.

  Up on the tallest peak, a scientist who lived in an antenna went out, held his thumbs to the wind, and went back inside to make a warm radioactive fire and read a storybook on benzene rings.

  And in the cave?

  The cave was empty.

  Both rooms.

  The hour of the Splurge—and of accusations—grew closer.

  Everyone was intrigued by the Splurge. Usually, the only thrill with the Splurge was the popcorn bar and occasionally a few college students who had gotten tangled playing Twister and who couldn’t get unbunched. They had to be hand-fed the popcorn by bellhops.

  But tonight there was mystery. There was accusation. Everyone had heard about it.

  People got there early for seats.

  There, on one of the sofas, was Rick reading Road & Track magazine. There was Mrs. Mandrake, her hair piled high atop her head and clasped with a huge amber comb, talking with Dr. Schmeltzer, who was wearing a black velvet evening jacket and felt tufts on his ears. There was Eddie Wax trading gymnastics stories with the water polo team. There were the Cutesy Dell Twins, admiring the wooden construction of the roof eaves (“Nice joinery!”). There were the Manley Boys, chalking the billiard balls. There were Dix Wickerbasket and His Amazing Dix-Chords, striking a pose where they all looked in different directions. One of them ran to get their singer more cocoa, then more marshmallows, then more caramel corn, then more cocoa again.

  And there were our three nervous heroes, Jasper, Katie, and Lily, huddled together near the door, hoping against hope that they were right in their deductions.

  Everyone in the room murmured. Everyone watched each other with a delighted kind of suspicion. Everyone seemed very thrilling and mysterious. Lily and Katie, looking around the room, realized that the more boring someone looked, the easier it was to imagine some amazing and fascinating criminal past they were trying to hide. A gray husband and wife who had run out of things to say to each other twelve years before might really be brother and sister safecrackers contemplating crimes. A businessman might be selling land that was deep underwater. A man in a mall-store sweater and track shoes might smuggle endangered animals across the Canadian border. Narwhals, for example.

  Lily and Katie whispered unlikely crimes to each other. It helped them forget their stage fright.

  If they were wrong, they were in big trouble.

  Big, big, BIG trouble.*

  Dix Wickerbasket’s band, bored, began to whistle “Begin the Beguine”

  The Manley Boys sat down and waited for some action.

  “Hey,” someone said loudly. “I wonder if anyone would like to make, I don’t know, any accusations tonight.”

  “That would be great,” said someone else. “We would listen real close.”

  Everyone fell silent and stared at our heroic trio.

  “Miss Mulligan,” said Sid, “I think people are wondering if you can shed any light upon this mystery.”

  Katie looked at the faces before her, faces turned to observe the drama, people waiting to hear what she had to say. Yes, she was terrified and her heart beat quickly. But also, she felt the thrill of conclusion—for soon, she and Lily and Jasper would put things right. Katie wouldn’t have missed this moment for anything. It could turn out that her theory was wrong; she hoped it was not. Either way, the next few minutes would be crucial. Eventful. Thrilling.

  Katie cleared her throat. She stepped forward.

  At that, there was a hideous scream.

  * Does the larger type help you? (A) Yes. (B) No. (C) It saddens me. You, sir, are tawdry.

  “Sorry,” said Dr. Schmeltzer. “I was just looking for one of those little sugar packets.”

  Katie, putting her hand on her heart to still it, calmed herself.

  And she began.

  “There are several mysteries here at the hotel,” she said. “First of all, there is the question of why the animal heads in the lobby keep disappearing and reappearing in the woods. Then there is the missing necklace. Then, most importantly, there is the disappearance of the Hooper Quints.”

  “Who still,” someone pointed out, “are out there somewhere.”

  “Exactly,” said Katie. “It turns out, though, that not all of those things are connected. For example, the animal heads were being … um …”

  “Liberated,” Lily supplied.

  “… liberated,” continued Katie, “by a guest whose beloved pet had been stuffed years ago. He didn’t have anything to do with the other crimes.”

  Katie paused and looked carefully from face to face. She said, “For a long time tonight, I thought about who might have stolen the necklace. I was right nearby when the necklace was stolen, so I had the most evidence of who the thief was. Here’s what happened: I heard someone talking to himself as he searched Mrs. Mandrake’s room. Just afterward, Dr. Schmeltzer appeared. He stumbled across me. I might have been more suspicious of him, except that I heard the thief run by while we were talking.

  “I heard the thief,” Katie emphasized. “I didn’t see him! Later on this made me suspicious—when I discovered that Dr. Schmeltzer is a ventriloquist. He could alter his voice to sound like someone else—and he could throw his voice to sound like someone running away, even while he stood right near me.”

  People gasped and looked at Dr. Schmeltzer.

  “As a ventriloquist, Dr. Schmeltzer could have stolen the necklace and then imitated Rick’s voice to remove suspicion from himself.”

  “I am innocent,” said the bat specialist with dignity. “You may burn me upon a pyre, and still I will protest: I am innocent.”

  “He could have stolen the necklace,” said Katie, “BUT I don’t think he did. Not any-more!”

  Her hands were trembling. If she was wrong, it would be a disaster. She and Lily and Jasper were just guessing, after all.

  She caught the eyes of the Cutesy Dell Twins, and suddenl
y she felt even more nervous. They were watching her carefully to see what she would say next.

  And then suddenly, one of them whispered, “Go on, Katie. You’re doing real good so far.”

  And Katie drew a deep breath and went on.

  “Okay … So … After several confusing things happened today, Jasper, Lily, and me talked about who had kidnapped the Quints. We just couldn’t figure it out. Nothing made sense. Until suddenly we realized … What if the Quints were never kidnapped at all?”

  Now everyone was bewildered.

  “No one here has ever read any of the Quints’ books,” said Katie. “No one knows what they look like. It’s been years since their series came out. In that time, what if they’ve aged? What if they were full-grown adults now? What if they were jealous of other people who have appeared in books, and they wanted to show us all that they were still a force to be reckoned with? What if they decided to stage a crime, therefore, so they could solve it? What if they pretended to be kidnapped and then stole something important, so that when they pretended to free themselves and saved the priceless necklace, everyone would be impressed?”

  “Yeah?” said one of the Manley Boys. “What if?”

  “Here’s how they could do it,” said Katie. “One of them could be out on a search party, very loud and very visible. Meanwhile, another Quint could walk into the hotel, pretending to be the same man, and, without anyone noticing, go right up to Mrs. Mandrake’s room, break in, and steal the necklace. The other Quints could be hidden up at a secret cave.

  “Then that would be the perfect alibi. No one would suspect that person of stealing anything. If anyone saw him or heard him while he searched for the necklace and then accused him, he could easily say that he was part of a search party all afternoon … Couldn’t he, Rick?”

  Rick put down his magazine. “Question for me?” he said.

  Katie repeated, “Couldn’t you? … Rick?”

  “Could I what?”

  Katie shuffled her hand in the air. “Be a Quint. Whose brother impersonated you while you were out searching with Lily and Mrs. Mandrake. So he could steal the Mandrake Necklace and you could have an alibi. And that way you could regain your former glory.”