Damaged

by Leona Keyoko Pink

  I can still feel his lips on my neck, his teeth against my breasts. I can still remember the things he’d said to me. Sometimes I feel sick inside and out. I...I find it hard...to...to... I’ve never had a boyfriend and I wonder...wonder if I ever will. If I’ll ever get married and have kids. What he did to me had only taken place over a few months but the damage would last a lifetime. As long as Lyndon was still alive out there, I couldn’t...I wouldn’t be safe.

  I got up from my desk and tried not to think about it. I set an alarm for tomorrow. I exercise and practice my self defense. I’m still settling in and don’t have a lot of things in my apartment but my parents bought me a punching bag and I got a treadmill with my first paycheck.

  I run for half an hour and then spend another half an hour kickboxing. I work up a good sweat and take a long shower before grabbing some ice cream and hopping into bed. I spend the rest of my night eating ice cream and watching TV on my laptop.

  Chapter Three

  The next morning I woke early to the sound of my alarm. I run on my treadmill and then have breakfast and get dressed. I look over my map one more time and then make sure my mace is full and ready. I pack up the rest of the things I’ll need and leave.

  In the hallway one of my neighbors is taking out their trash. She smiles at me and I...I take a chance and offer to take it for her. She thanks me and I drop it off at the garbage chute before taking the stairs. I go down a flight and then take the elevator. When it lets out I exit through the lobby and make my way to the second closest bus stop.

  I realize I’ve forgotten my umbrella. I consider going back for it but it’s a bright and sunny day. Just because it rained yesterday doesn’t mean it will rain today. I decide to keep going and after a few minutes my bus shows up. I get on and keep to myself as best I can. I consider getting my license yet again but I don’t really need another excuse to isolate myself any further.

  I ride the bus for forty minutes. When I get out I walk up and down the surrounding blocks. I stop in at every diner, restaurant, and deli I come across. I check for details that were in my dreams and feelings. Sometimes things aren’t always the same as they are in my dreams but there is this feeling...a sense I get.

  Every time I enter a new place my heart quickens. Every time it’s not the place, it sinks as I leave. I clear most of the area and get on another bus. I ride this one for thirty minutes and then start my search yet again. Once more I come up empty-handed.

  I get on yet another bus and ride it for nearly an hour. When I get off I continue searching. Time after time, I’m let down. And then I walk through a door of a small café. A bell rings. There is something familiar about it...I look around and when I see it has booths, I get excited, hopeful. But I’m not sure about the color.

  I bite my lip as I walk around trying to get a better feel for the place but I’m just not sure. I’ve seen so many shops by now that I’m not sure if it’s similar to the one I’ve seen in my dream or just one I’ve seen today. I run my hands through my hair, tired and hungry. I decide to get something to eat and walk up to the counter.

  I look at a display case and see cakes; one in particular catches my eye, a coconut cake. I order a piece and a glass of milk. As I’m paying the bell rings and a couple walks in, a man with a hat and a girl with buns. I glance at them briefly before I collect my change.

  They take a seat at a booth and I take a seat at the booth behind theirs. The milk and piece of cake arrive a minute or so later. The cake is divine; it’s slightly chilled, the frosting is creamy, the coconut flaky and the cake itself is moist. It had to be the best coconut cake I’d had in a long time, possibly ever.

  I order another piece. I know I shouldn’t but coconut is my favorite and the first piece was just too good. I decide this place is nice but I should keep searching. I check the time. Fifteen minutes until another bus.

  The bell rings and the door opens again. A motorcyclist walks in with his helmet on. He takes it off and I see it’s raining outside. Great. I should have gone back for my umbrella. I sigh and am nearly done with my cake. I take a sip of my milk as the man approaches the booth with the couple. He greets them loudly and I can’t help but overhear them talking. “Twice in one week, I feel loved.”

  “Just sit down,” says the man with the hat.

  “We might have found someone,” says the girl with buns.

  “Really? Who this time?” asks the motorcyclist, taking a seat at the booth.

  “It’s not for certain,” said the man with the hat. “We can discuss the details once Emmit gets here,”

  “You guys order yet?” asked the motorcyclist.

  “No, we just got here a few minutes ago,” said the girl with buns.

  “It’s also your turn to pay. I figured I’d better make sure you can,” said the man with the hat.

  “HEY...” said the motorcyclist, offended. “I’m good for it!”

  “Right,” said the man with the hat, “Like the last time and the time before that.”

  “You’ll see, just order something. But...uhh, make it under 10. And could I borrow twenty?”

  “You’re unbelievable,” said the man with the hat.

  “Whatever. We can’t all-”

  My heart skipped a beat and I freeze with my fork halfway to my mouth. I was enjoying listening to them even though I knew I shouldn’t be. I’d lost myself for a moment just focusing on the sounds of their voices until I heard ‘whatever’. It sounded like…

  I partially stood so I could get a better look at them. The motorcyclist had slicked back hair and his outfit...he was wearing a leather jacket. It was Richy! Why hadn’t I noticed? I slid out of the booth, taking another look at the couple. The man with the hat had short hair. He must be Micheal. And the girl with the buns… her hair wasn’t in braids but people could change their hair. She...she had to be Kit.

  It was them! It was really them! And yet I told myself it couldn’t be...They couldn’t be real. I wanted them to be so badly...I needed them to be. But part of me always felt like I was chasing a fantasy...a dream, that I had imagined seeing Em in the doorway of the cabin all those years ago to cope with all that had happened to me.

  I don’t know what to do. I spent all this time looking and I don’t know what I should do now that I’d found them. ‘Questions’, I thought as I stepped forward. I had so many questions but which...what should I start with? I stumbled up to their table. They were still arguing.

  They stopped when they took notice of me. The two men glanced at me and the girl smiled at me. The man in the hat said, “Sorry, we’re not ready to order yet. We’re still waiting on someone.”

  I just stared at Micheal in disbelief. I pinched myself to make sure I was really here but it was clear I was and so were they. When I didn’t say anything or step away, they gave me strange looks. I smiled like an idiot. They could see me. Usually I just saw them.

  Micheal looked at me closer, studying me. He must have realized I wasn’t the waitress, “Can I help you?”

  “I uh...I...uhh,” I sputtered. I wanted to introduce myself but wasn’t sure what name to give them; Aubrey or Becca. I felt so, so connected to these people that all my caution fell away. I wanted to give them my true name. I wanted them to truly know me and I them.

  The bell on the door rang yet again as it opened. I turned to see a man in a hooded jean jacket walk in. He pulled back his hood, shaking out his shaggy hair, and pulled off his headphones. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion as he took a step toward me and then another. Slowly he looked up.

  I held my breath as he looked around and spotted me. Our eyes locked. It was like the first time I saw him in my dreams. There was a sense of familiarity, only it was stronger now that we were only a few feet apart. I was overcome with the urge to go to him and embrace him. It was like when you loved someone and hadn’t seen them in a very, very long time, only for them to suddenly appear before you.

  His eyes widened and his mouth parted as
he stumbled forward. He said something, a name, “Keyoko...”

  Chapter Four

  I looked at him, confused. I looked around, wondering if he was talking to someone else. The others at the table looked surprised. They quickly looked at each other and then at me. I realized then Em was talking to me. I looked back at him. Did he not know my name? I stepped forward, thinking I should introduce myself. “No,” I said, putting my hand on my chest. “My name is Becca.”

  I watched Em’s expression change all at once. He looked crushed...He stumbled back, looking to the ground. His eyes darted from side to side as he thought. He looked pained and then angry, like in our dreams. Without a word, he turned and went to leave.

  “Wait!” I called, but again, like in our dreams, he didn’t.

  He simply opened the door and rushed outside. Before the door could shut, I went after him. Outside it was raining but I didn’t care. My heart quickened. I wasn’t going to let him get away, not this time. This time we would meet and we would talk. I held my breath as I looked all around me. I saw his back…he was already half a block away. How was that even possible?

  I rushed after him, pushing past people, calling out. “Please...Please...Wait!!!”

  He didn’t wait. He just kept going down the street. I followed him for nearly two blocks. He just seemed to get farther and farther away. Then, suddenly, he turned a corner and I lost sight of him. By the time I got there he was gone, nowhere to be seen. It was like he’d vanished. I spun around in circles. He must be hiding, but where? There were so many possibilities. I looked into shop windows, cars, behind trees and mail boxes, but I couldn’t find him.

  Tears welled up in my eyes as the rain poured down on me. I began to panic. After all this time, after all my searching, I’d finally found him but he’d run away again. Why...why did he keep running away from me? I scrambled to think what I could do and remembered the others...The others! They had to know him, had to be able to get into contact with him somehow.

  It had only been a few minutes. I quickly turned, rushing, rushing to get back to the cafe. When I was a half a block away, I saw them. They were leaving, like him. When they saw me they moved quickly. I call out to them, “Excuse me! Excuse me!”

  They ignored me. If anything, they picked up their pace. I tried to catch up with them and wasn’t far behind but when they got to the corner of the block, they split up, each going in a different direction. I had to decide which one to go after. I decided to go after Micheal. He crossed the street and I went after him. When he saw I’d chosen him, he started running

  “Wait…please wait!” I called after him as I continued to run. He was fast, much faster than me. My heart ached with the realization I might lose him like I’d lost Em. It had taken me years to find them. I knew if I didn’t catch up to Micheal I might never see Em again. I might never get to thank him. And most of all, I might never get the answers to my questions.

  I abandoned caution and ran as fast and as hard as I could. Block after block, I chased after him. When it came to crossing the street, I didn’t even look. Cars whizzed by me and a few came close to hitting me. One car slammed on its breaks and tapped me. It hurt but I kept going even as the driver cursed at me and madly honked his horn. I didn’t care. I could not, would not, lose him.

  Micheal saw what I was doing, saw that I was being reckless. He stopped running and turned around. He looked angry but allowed me to catch up to him. I stopped a few feet away and didn’t even bother catching my breath. I was too afraid he might dart off again. Winded, I said, “Please…please... I just...want to talk to him.”

  I gasped, sucking in air when I could. Micheal glared at me, shaking his head. He clenched his fists and said, “Clearly, he doesn’t want to speak to you.”

  “I know...” I said before swallowing. My throat was dry. “I know...I don’t understand why. I haven’t done anything.”

  “I’m sure he has his reasons,” said Micheal, stepping back.

  I was afraid this was it. He was going to run off again. I pleaded, “Please, could you just tell him that I need to talk to him? It’s important!”

  He looked at me hesitantly. I could see he was thinking, debating what he should do. After what felt like forever, he responded, “I’ll pass on your request but I can’t guarantee he’ll speak with you. Please stop following me and watch where you are going.”

  I nodded. Without a word Micheal turned and burst into a run once more. He was fast and gone from my sight within seconds. I stood there for the longest time letting the rain pour down on me. It...It had all happened so fast. One minute I had been looking for them and then found them...him, but he...he’d gotten away yet again. I bit my lip, thinking. At least I’d been able to pass on a message. I wasn’t sure if Em would respond, or even how, but it was something…

  When I came to my senses I realized I’d left everything back at the cafe. It was a bit of a walk back. I didn’t realize how many blocks I’d chased Micheal but by the time I got back I was completely soaked. I collected my coat and purse, grateful they were still there.

  As I left the cafe I looked at the booth the others had been sitting at. It was already being cleaned. Any trace of them ever having been here was wiped away. I stood there for a moment staring at the clean tabletop. I thought...I always figured if they were real, if I actually found them, I’d feel some sense of relief...but I didn’t.

  If anything, I only felt more confused than ever. What did this all mean? Who were these people, how did they know me, and why did they run from me? I bit my lip and stepped outside. The rain was coming down even more now. It almost felt like I was in a shower.

  I took several steps and then paused, feeling something. It was ever so faint but I felt like someone was watching me. That...Em was close. I looked all around but once again, I didn’t see him anywhere. I let out a heavy sigh and slowly made my way home.

  Chapter Five

  The next few days passed in a bit of a haze. I found myself replaying what had happened and wondered just how Em would contact me. How would he even find me? I supposed if he could find me in that secluded cabin all those years ago, he could find me anywhere. I wondered again how he had found me then and added it to the mountain of questions I wanted to ask.

  On Monday I walked to work slowly and found it hard to concentrate. I began to wonder how long it would take for him to respond and what I would do if he didn’t. Surely, I wouldn’t give up. I figured I’d give him a week and if he didn’t show up then I would return to the cafe. Perhaps someone there knew him or his friends. They ate there enough times that maybe I could leave another message or find out when they usually came in. If that didn’t work I supposed I could just go to the diner everyday and wait. I wasn’t sure how good of a plan that was but at least I had a backup plan.

  On the walk home that night I thought I might have felt something...that it might have been Em. I looked all around but didn’t see him anywhere. I went home in disappointment and found it hard to sleep that night, tossing and turning with anticipation. When I woke I was tired and sick of waiting. I knew it had only been a few days but the truth was I’d been waiting years. Ever since the moment I first saw him in the doorway of the cabin and knew he was real, I had been wanting to talk to him…

  When I got off work, I set my timer like I always did. But instead of taking a different route, I took the same one I’d taken the day before. I was eager to get home. As I passed through the business distract, I considered stopping by a large fountain. I’d sometimes drop a few coins in and make wishes. I wondered for a moment if I shouldn’t make one today, if I should wish for Em to contact me.

  I suppose it couldn’t hurt. I nodded to myself and then wondered if I had any change on me. I made my way to the fountain as I rifled through my purse. I felt a coin but paused, feeling something familiar, feeling Em again. I was sure of it now. I’d felt it at the cafe and a bit yesterday. This feeling, it...it had to be him and he was close. Really, really clos
e. I just knew it. I opened my eyes wide and looked all around. I honed in on the fountain and realized a man in a hooded jean jacket was sitting at it.

  Was it him? I held my breath and stumbled forward. The man at the fountain stood and pulled back the hood from his jacket. My heart rose like I was going up in an elevator as I locked eyes with Em. He wasn’t happy to see me yet again but I didn’t care. I couldn’t believe it. He was here. He’d come. I grew excited and my face grew hot. I pulled my hands from my purse, letting it drop at my side. I rushed to him, knowing he might disappear at any moment. When I was only a few steps away he raised up his hand and said, “That’s close enough!” He seemed agitated as he got straight to the point and demanded, “What do you want? “

  I realized foolishly that I’d been thinking about how and when he might contact me so much that I hadn’t planned on what I would say or do when he did contact me. I stepped back and scrambled to think of what to say.

  Before I could ask anything Em curtly said, “You said it was important. Now what is it?”

  It was clear he had no patience. He just wanted to get this over with. I stood there with my mouth ajar. For so long I had thought of this day, wanted the chance to express how grateful I was for what he had done. I wanted...I needed him to know how much it meant to me. But when I spoke I fumbled my words, “I...wanted… you what you did. I, um...”

  He stared at me blankly, emotionless, and I swallowed hard. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “All those years ago...at the cabin.” I took hold of my wrist, massaging it. I bit my lower lip and opened my eyes. I looked at him and said, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,”

  I stood there repeating myself. He looked at me and his eyes softened for a moment. He looked to the ground. I stepped forward and he quickly stepped back. He looked angry once more and spat, “Is that it?”

  “I...well, I have some questions.” I said, stepping back.