by Zack Zombie
“Son, don’t scare me like that. . .or the Ender-zombie will get you! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Mom!
“Sorry, Zombie, but the video was really cute. I even sent it to all of our relatives back west.”
“Seriously?!!!”
“Yes. They said they’re kids are always humming your theme song. . .NOOB AND PROUD.”
WWWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
“It’s OK, Zombie. . .you should be proud for being Noob.”
WWWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
“Your father and I are Noobs, and we’ve been Noobs for years.”
WWWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
“You come from a long line of Noobs.”
WWWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
“But, anyway, get some rest, my little Noob”
Something tells me I don’t think my mom knows what a Noob is.
So now the whole world thinks I’m a Noob.
That’s it, my life is over.
I think I’m going to go live in an abandoned cave like Ned the Enderman.
Maybe the Ender-Zombie would just eat me and take me out of my misery.
Then I heard the doorbell downstairs.
“Hi, Creepy. Hi, Ellie,” my mom said. “Yes, my little Noob is upstairs getting rest. Go right up.”
Oh, brother!
“Hey, Zombie, how are you feeling?” Creepy asked.
“Terrible. The whole world thinks I’m a Noob, and now my life is over.”
“Tee, hee,” Carrie said. “Zombie, I’ve seen you play. You’re not a Noob. I think you’re really good.”
“Then why did I get kicked out of Me-Tube? They said I was a Noob and should come back when my skills are better.”
“That’s weird,” Ellie said. “The only time they ever kick somebody off Me-Tube is when someone accuses them of cheating.”
“Seriously?”
“You know, I could find out if that’s what happened to you,” Ellie said. “Where’s your computer?”
Then Ellie jumped on my computer as me and Creepy looked at her just whip through screen after screen with her mad computer hacking skills.
Clickety, clack, clickety, clack.
“Hey, Ellie, how come you don’t play Minecraft anymore?” I asked her. “You were like, the best.”
“It stopped being fun anymore. Especially when kids were getting really mean toward Noobs. It really bothered me, you know. Everybody’s a Noob sometime. I just thought we should help Noobs and not put them down. So, I quit playing Minecraft.”
“Whoa,” I said.
“And that’s when I started Noob-Tube.”
“Wait...what? You own Noob-Tube?”
“Yeah, and I make a lot of money from it too. I’m too busy making money right now to play Minecraft anymore.”
“Whoa!”
Clickety, clack, clickety, clack.
“Here it is. Somebody complained that you were using hacks to win all your games. They even showed a video of you beating one of the top players. The person who accused you said that there was no way you could’ve gotten so good so quick.”
“Seriously?!!!”
“Yup. And the person who accused you was. . .”
Clickety, clack, clickety, clack.
“ScreamingPhoenix115.”
“Who’s that?”
“Well, nobody knows. . .except I wasn’t the gaming champion for three years in a row for nothing.”
Clickety, clack, clickety, clack.
“ScreamingPhoenix115’s real name is. . .”
Clickety, clack, clickety, clack.
“You got to be kidding me!” Ellie said.
“Who is it?!! Who is it?!!”
“Darius Flenderman.”
“What the what?!!!”
“Yeah, I’ve played ScreamingPhoenix115 in a lot of games and I beat him every time. I even caught him cheating, and I told him that if he didn’t stop I would let everybody know he was cheating.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“And once I stopped playing, he became the champion Minecraft player instead of me. But I bet he’s still up to his old tricks. . .It’s probably how he became champ.”
Then I got an idea.
“Hey, Ellie, do you remember how he was cheating? Do you think you can teach me how to beat him?”
“I sure can,” Ellie said. “But only if you promise to do something for me when all this is over.”
Uh, oh. This is not going to be good.
“Uh, OK. I promise.”
So, Ellie, Creepy and me spent the entire day practicing to beat Darius.
I still wasn’t sure what Ellie wanted me to do at the end of all this. But I would do anything to beat Darius and show everybody that I wasn’t a Noob.
Anything!
The next online gaming match was tomorrow night, and I was going to be ready.
Look out, Darius, here I come!
Sunday
I couldn’t believe it!
It was the most amazing Minecraft PVP tournament ever!
I mean Darius was good. Really good.
But thanks to Ellie, I was able to anticipate all of his cheats and take him down!
He didn’t even know what hit him.
I could tell he was really mad because Ellie told me that he sent in a lot of complaints to Me-Tube, Noob-Tube and all the other tubes, telling them that I was cheating.
But Ellie fixed him good.
She sent in a clip of Darius’s playing and showed how he was cheating.
Darius got banned from all the Tubes in like twelve biomes!
Not to mention, he got banned from every server in the entire Minecraft Overworld.
So technically, now I’m the reigning Minecraft PVP Champ for miles around.
And thanks to Ellie, I can now get my Me-Tube account back.
“Congratulations, Zombie!” Creepy said as he and Ellie came into my room to congratulate me.
“Yeah, thanks so much, you guys! Especially you, Ellie. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Anytime, Zombie,” Ellie said.
“No more Noob-Tube for me! Me-Tube here I come!”
“Hey, Zombie, remember that favor you said you would do for me after all this was over?” Ellie said with a really strange smile on her face.
“Yeeeaaaah. . .” I said, feeling really nervous.
Oh man. . .I think I’m in real trouble. . .
Monday
Well, I beat Darius.
And I got my Me-Tube account back.
But guess what?
I’m still a Noob.
Why?
Well, let’s just say that I am the most popular Noob on Noob-Tube, thanks to Ellie.
That’s because she made me make a video singing the NOOB AND PROUD song after beating Darius Flenderman.
She said it would empower Noobs everywhere to stand up and be proud to be Noobs, and to feel good about their Noob status.
She was right.
Now kids all around Noob-Tube are posting videos saying, “I’m a Noob and I’m Proud!”
They even had some kids on Me-Tube doing it too.
I even saw some kids outside wearing NOOB AND PROUD T-shirts.
Yeah, Ellie made them and now she’s making more money than ever.
That’s because now Noob-Tube is even bigger than every other Tube online.
It’s even bigger than InstaScram, Critter, and Face-Mob Combined.
And my NOOB AND PROUD video is on the first page for the world to see.
So now, I’m going to be a Noob. . .forever.
Figures. . .
Tuesday
>
Today, we spent a few hours after school decorating the gym for the Dance Party.
Carrie was there looking tall, thin, and beautiful as usual.
I even saw Darius there.
Yeah, it seems like Darius’ mom and dad heard he was cheating and made him do community service to help him get his act together.
Yeah, I didn’t buy it either.
I actually heard there were a bunch of kids at school who were mad at Darius for cheating, and he didn’t want to go home alone without Carrie.
What a Noob. . .
Anyway, since I was so popular now, I thought now was the time for me to ask Carrie to be my date for the Dance Party.
But before I asked her, I needed to practice my cool voice.
“Hey, Carrie, are you part Witch? Cause I think I’m under your spell.”
Naw, naw, that won’t work.
“Hi, Carrie. I must be standing in gravel because I’m falling for you!”
Nah!
“Hey, Carrie, are you from the Nether? Because I think you’re out of this world.”
All of a sudden, Carrie saw me staring at her from across the gym.
“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!” she yelled.
And then she disappeared.
“Dude, did Carrie catch you staring at her again?” Skelly asked.
“Uh. . .yeah. I couldn’t help it. She just looked so good with her long arms and long legs and big head and purple eyes, and. . .”
“You know they say that stalking is a sign of intelligence,” Creepy said. “Most famous mobs were stalkers at a young age. At least that’s what they say in my family.”
I just looked at Creepy.
“Aw, man! That was my ride,” Darius said with a mad look on his face.
I knew Darius was mad at me for beating him at Minecraft PVP. But now I could tell he was really mad.
Then he started going crazy and teleporting all over the gym.
“You just wait, Zombie, you’re gonna get yours. . .and soon!” he said. Then he disappeared.
Aw great! Not only does Carrie think I’m a stalker and hate me, now I have a crazy Enderman plotting to get his revenge on me.
Man, what else could go wrong?
Wednesday
“Zombie, the babysitter will be here any minute now!”
WHAT?!!!!
NONONONONONONONO!
“Zombie, I’m sorry but your father and I need to go the PTA meeting to prepare for the Dance Party that’s coming up at your school a few days.”
“MOM, please don’t leave me with her. . .She’s a Witch and she going to eat me!”
“Zombie, is your Z.M.D. acting up again?” my mom asked with a chuckle.
“Seriously. Mom, she’s crazy!”
“Zombie, please don’t talk about her that way. She’s just a girl who needs a lot of support and encouragement.”
“Mom, she doesn’t need encouragement. She needs a straightjacket!”
“Wow, Zombie, you look sick. Have you been eating those berries in the garden again?”
“Yeah, yeah, Mom, my stomach hurts. Uuuurrggghhh! I ate a whole bunch of those berries, and I feel like I’m dying!”
“Well, I guess we can’t have the babysitter coming when you’re sick,” my mom said. “You go upstairs and get into bed and I will make you some mushroom stew. That should help you sweat out the berries.”
Man, mushroom stew is like the nastiest thing on the planet. I’m either going to sweat out the berries or bleed them out of my eyes.
But, it’s totally worth it. I won’t last another day with that witch, Rachel Patella, babysitting me again.
DING, DONG!
Oh, man, there she is now.
“Oh, hi,” I heard my mom say from downstairs. “Yeah, I’m sorry, Zombie got really sick from eating those berries in the garden again. I think it’s a puberty thing. Like that mole he grew on his. . .”
What the what?!!!
“Sure,” she continued. “I’ll tell him you said hi. Goodbye, Carrie.”
“CARRIE?!!!!!”
I ran downstairs as fast as I could, but by the time I opened the door Carrie’s dad’s car was driving away.
Man, I missed my chance!
“You’re not sick, are you?!!! my mom yelled. “I have a good mind to ground you for a month. But your father and I still need to go to that PTA meeting tonight.”
“Mom, I’m sorry. It’s just. . .”
“Don’t I’m sorry me. You just head back up to your room right now.”
“Now, who can I call this late in the day to watch the kids?” I heard my mom ask my dad as I was walking up the stairs. “I know, I’ll call Rachel. She’s probably available.”
RACHEL!!!!!!
WWWAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Thursday
Well. . .
You’re probably wondering what happened last night with Rachel. . .right?
Yeah. . .Me too. . .
I can’t remember anything from last night.
All I remember is Mom calling Rachel, and Rachel telling her how excited she was to come over.
Then the doorbell rang, Rachel walked in and then everything when black.
I think it was so traumatic that I blocked it out.
The only thing I’m still trying to figure out is how I got this scar where one of my kidneys use to be.
Man, where is that kidney?
I always seem to misplace those things.
Well, the Dance Party is in a few days.
So it’s my last chance to ask Carrie to be my date.
I better do it today or somebody else might ask her instead of me.
I know, I’ll call her on the phone.
RING!
“Hello?”
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“Nothing, what’s going on with you?”
“Nothing, what’s going on with you?”
“Nothing, what’s going on with you?”
“Hey, I wanted to call Carrie and ask her to be my date for the party tomorrow, but I don’t know what to say.”
“Dude, that’s bold,” Skelly said.
“I need some help with some really cool line. . .like from a movie or something.”
“Oh, man, I got a good one. I saw it in a movie about this really cool spy named Dirk Craftly—but you gotta say it with a really tough, manly, scary voice. Girls dig that.”
Then Skelly gave me the really good line from the Dirk Craftly movie that I could use to ask Carrie to the Dance Party.
“Awesome, man, thanks. I’m going to call her right now.”
Once I got the courage, and after I practiced my really tough, manly, scary voice, I dialed Carrie’s number.
RING!
“Hello?”
“Hey, baby, you remind me of my appendix because something inside me is saying I should take you out.”
“Who is this?!!! Harold! There’s a stalker on the phone!”
Oh, man. . .
“Who is this?!!!” Carrie’s dad said, taking the phone. “I don’t know who you are, mister, but if you scare my wife like that ever again, I will find you and I will end you!”
“Uh, I’m sorry, Mr. Flenderman. . .”
Oh, man, I forgot to stop my scary voice!
“Cough, cough. . .I mean, sorry, Mr. Flenderman. Is Carrie home?”
“Carrie? What do you want with my daughter, you weirdo?!!!”
“Uh. . .this is Zack. Francis’ son.”
“Francis? Oh. . .Zombie! I didn’t recognize you. Going through puberty, huh? Yeah, I remember the days. . .I’ll get Carrie for you.”
Then I heard Mr. and Mrs. F
lenderman in the background.
“Harold, who is it?” Mrs. Flenderman asked.
“It’s Francis’ son, calling for Carrie. Where is she? Carrie!!! You got a phone call!”
“Are you sure that’s a boy?” Mrs. Flenderman said. “It sounded like a stalker to me.”
“Oh, Edith, the boy’s going through puberty. They all sound like that.”
Rustle. . .Rustle. . .
“Daddy, I got it! Hello?” Carrie said in her sweet, amazing voice.
“Hi, Carrie, it’s Zack. . .Uh. . .”
“Hi, Zack. What’s up? I heard you were sick. Your mom said you had a mole or something.”
“Uh. . .yeah. . .um…that cleared up. . .but I wanted to ask you something. . .”
“Sure, what’s up?”
Then I put on my tough, manly, scary voice again. . .
“Hey, baby, you remind me of my appendix because something inside me is saying I should take you out.”
“What? Zack, what’s wrong with your voice?”
“Cough, cough. . .Nothing, um. . .I wanted to ask you if you would be my date for the Mob Middle School Dance Party?”
“Oh. . .”
Silence.
It felt like I was sitting there waiting for like a thousand years.
“Sure. I’d love to. . .”
“No, I understand. . .I know you’re busy and. . .wait, what?”
“I said I’d love to go. Except, I still have to help out with the party in between dances if that’s OK with you. But sure, I’d love to go.”
What the what?!!!!
She said yes!!!!
I’m the Man! I’m the Man!
Mmph! Mmph! Mmph! Mmph!
(That’s me doing my happy dance, by the way. . .)
Yeah!
Superstah!
“Zombie, are you still there?”
