by Zack Zombie
“Uh. . .um. . .yeah, I’m still here.”
“OK, I’ll meet you there at six o’clock because I have to be there early to help with decorations.”
“Yeah. . .that sounds great.”
“OK. . .bye.”
“Bye. . .”
Wow! I’ve got a date with the most awesome girl in all of Minecraft.
Man, Skelly was right. That line worked like a charm.
From now on, Dirk Craftly, you’re my new hero!
Friday
Well, tomorrow is the Mob Middle School eighth grade Dance Party!
But, more importantly, tomorrow is my big date with Carrie Flenderman!
So I need to get ready.
Now, I wanted a really cool haircut.
So I asked my dad to take me to the Zombie barber.
Except everybody at the barber shop gave me a weird look when I told them I wanted to look like Dirk Craftly.
Except for one guy. I really thought he got what I was saying.
Until, after he finished, I realized he thought I said Dirk Ghastly.
So now I look like a Ghast and a Zombie had a baby and then they dropped him a few times.
It’s a good thing this stuff scrapes off.
But I finished my Dirk Craftly costume, though, and it looks sweet!
It makes me look cool and smooth, hairy and manly all at the same time.
But, most importantly, it lets me move around on the dance floor so I can show off my sweet moves.
Yeah, I know. You probably didn’t know that I had sweet moves.
But, oh yeah. . .I do. Let me show you what I got!
I usually start with a little Zombie Overbite. . .
Mmph! Mmph! Mmph! Mmph!
(That’s me doing the Zombie Overbite, by the way. . .)
Then I jump in with the Zombie Slam. . .
Mmph! Boom! Chicka! Boom! Mmph! Mmph! Mmph!
Then I switch to some floor action with my favorite Zombie breakdance move. . .
Then, of course, I throw in a little Zombie Robot. . .
And then I end it like a gangsta. . .
AWWWYEAAHHBBOOYYEEEE!!!
Oh, man, Carrie’s gonna love it!
I can see us now. . .
DIRK (In his manly, hairy voice): “Hey, Carrie, it’s me, Dirk Craftly. . .”
CARRIE (In her cute, girly voice): “Oh, Dirk, you’re so amazing!”
DIRK: “Hey, Carrie, did you just fart? Because you just blew me away. . .He. . .He. . .”
CARRIE: “Oh, Dirk, you just say the nicest things!”
DIRK: “Hey, Carrie, you know, my love for you is like diarrhea. I just can’t hold it in. . .He. . .He. . .”
CARRIE: “Oh, Dirk, you make me feel so special!”
DIRK: “Hey, Carrie. . .”
KNOCK, KNOCK.
“Hey, Zombie, are you getting ready for your big date tomorrow?” my mom said with her mom face.
Oh, brother. Just when I was really getting my manly Dirk Crafty on. . .
“What is it, Mom?”
“Nothing. . .I just wanted to see how much my Zombaby has grown up. . .Sniffle, sniffle,” my mom said with water coming out of her eye sockets.
“Aww, Mom, it’s just a dance!”
“I know, I know. Well, anyway. . .I brought you some cream to cover up that mole. . .”
“Mom!”
Man, talk about embarrassing. My mom gets all weird like that whenever I talk about girls.
Moms are so weird.
Dad, on the other hand, really gets it.
“Hey, son, going on your date tomorrow? Well, have fun.”
Yeah, he really gets it.
Saturday
Well, I convinced my mom and dad to drop me off a few blocks from the school.
I couldn’t be seen going into my eighth grade school dance with my parents.
Plus, me and the guys planned to meet together and all come in together like a posse.
And parents are definitely not part of the posse.
When we all walked in, the place looked awesome.
All the hard work we put in decorating really paid off.
The dance this year was called, “Night at the Abandoned Mineshaft.”
They even brought in a real minecart to make it look more realistic.
Not only that, but the party had mountains of food.
I mean it had mountains of Skittles, mountains of M&Ms, and they even had a fountain of Mountain Dew.
But the best part, they had tables and tables full of all kinds of cake!
When we looked around, for some reason all the boys were on one side of the gym and all the girls were on the totally other side.
It looked like boys against girls volleyball night.
“You should go over there,” one of the Skelton boys whispered to Emory the Creeper, daring him to cross the chasm that stood before us.
“Alright, I will,” Emory said.
All the other Mob boys just stared in hopeful anticipation as the brave creeper stepped out into the abyss.
About a few steps into his epic journey, all we heard was “TSSSSSSSSSS.”
It’s a good thing there were some parents there.
They escorted poor Emory outside.
Good for us.
BOOM!
Not so good for the parents. . .
Then from across the room, I could see Carrie Flenderman as she teleported from place to place making sure the decorations were all in place.
“Dude, don’t stare. . .” Creepy said. “You don’t want to ruin your big chance with Carrie.”
“Yeah, be cool, man,” Skelly said. “Remember, you’re Dirk Craftly, superspy.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right. I need to be coooooooool.”
“Dude, what’s wrong with your voice?” Slimely asked.
Anyway, I decided to make my move.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, right before I went over to Carrie to say hi, Darius Flenderman stepped in front of me.
Oh, man, what now?
“Hey, Zombie, I just wanted to say. . . I’m sorry for the other day,” Darius said.
Even though I wasn’t really listening because I was too busy looking at Carrie teleport around in her cute way, I heard that last part.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, man, no hard feelings,” Darius said. “Shake?”
Then he stuck out his hand, or arm. . .(You can’t really tell with an Enderman), and I shook it.
Then, Carrie teleported to another side of the gym to finish her decorations.
Aw, man! Missed her.
“Hey, Zombie, Carrie wanted me to tell you that she needed your help with the confetti,” Darius said.
“Confetti? What confetti?”
“Well, in a few minutes, Carrie is going to get on stage and welcome everyone to the dance and she needs you to pull this rope and it’ll tip a bucket that will drop confetti all over the place.”
“Why me?” I asked Darius, not sure if I could trust him.
“She said you’re the only one she trusts to do it right,” he said.
Whoa. Carrie thinks I’m the only one she can trust? Wow, she must really like me.
“OK, I’ll do it!”
Then Darius showed me where to stand and he handed me the rope.
I saw the bucket right above the stage, and I was wondering how all the confetti was going to get on everyone.
I’m sure Carrie’s got it all planned out; she’s really smart, I thought.
“So, in a few minutes, when Carrie yells out, ‘Welcome eighth grade class to the Mob Middle School Dance!’ you just pull
the rope, OK?” Darius said.
“OK,” I said, wondering why Darius looked all sweaty.
So I waited there for about ten minutes and saw Carrie get on stage.
Oh, man, Carrie is so going to see that I am a Zombie she can trust. Yeah, Dirk Craftly the manliest, hairiest and most trustworthy Zombie there is. . .”
“AND NOW, FOR WHAT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. . .”
Oh, man, I better get ready!
“WELCOME EIGHTH GRADE CLASS TO THE MOB MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE!”
So I pulled on the rope as hard as I could.
Except. . .
Instead of confetti, water came pouring down.
I could see it right now in slow motion. . . I pulled the rope. . . the bucket tipped. . . water poured out of
the bucket. . . down. . .down. . .
down. . . Splash!
Until it landed all over Carrie.
Suddenly, all the music stopped and everyone just stared at Carrie.
Then they all looked over at me because Darius took the spotlight and shined it in my direction.
“HUH! GASP! OMZ!” everyone said.
All of a sudden, Carrie started making these strange noises.
It started out as low grunts and then squeals, and then finally. . .
SSSHHHRRRIIIIIEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!
Suddenly, the torches on the walls started flickering on and off.
Next thing, we heard all the doors of the gym slam shut.
Then out of nowhere cake started levitating in the air.
Then suddenly. . .
SPLAT!
SPLOOSH!
SPLUNK!
Everybody started getting smashed in the face with cake!
Enderman, Creepers, Shulkers went crazy and were teleporting, levitating and exploding.
Skeletons started shooting arrows to try to keep from being smashed with cake.
Zombie’s were grunting and groaning.
And Slimes were bouncing all around the place.
It was crazy!
Nobody knew what to do.
And I know this sounds crazy, but for some reason I knew exactly what Dirk Craftly would do.
He would go over there and kiss Carrie, and she would totally fall in love with Dirk and then she would totally chillax.
So I knew I had to make my move.
“Zombie,” Creepy asked me as we were hiding under a table, “what are you doing?”
“I need to kiss her,” I said.
“Dude, you do know how crazy that sounds, right?” Skelly said.
“I know, that’s why it’s gonna work,” I said in my Dirk Craftly voice.
“Dude, what’s wrong with your voice?” Slimey asked me.
So as all the mob kids and parents were running for their lives, I ran toward Carrie.
It was really hard getting through the tornado of skittles, Mountain Dew, and cake.
But I made it through without getting smashed in the face.
Carrie saw me staring at her as I came closer and closer.
But, for some reason, this time she didn’t teleport away.
So I got closer and closer.
Suddenly, I took a step and my left arm flew off.
Then I took another step and my right arm flew off.
Carrie was just too powerful.
But I was getting closer.
So then, I took another step and my Dirk Craftly hat flew off.
I finally got as close to her as I could. But I couldn’t get close enough to plant one on her.
So, I just whispered in her ear in my manliest, hairiest, Dirk Craftly voice. . .
“Hey, baby, uh. . .if girls were boogers, I’d pick you first, chyea!”
Silence.
Tee. . .Tee. . .Teehee. . .Teeheehee. . .
All of a sudden, Carrie started laughing!
The good thing was that more she laughed the more the tornado of condiments started to die down.
“Hey, Carrie, is your middle name Google? Cause you’ve got everything I’m searching for.”
“Ha. . .Ha. . .Hahahaha. . .Hahahahaha!”
I knew it, she couldn’t resist the Dirk Craftly charm!
That’s when I made my move.
SMOOCH!
“HUH?”
BAMF!
Next thing you know, Carrie teleported away.
Everybody came out of their hiding places to see if the coast was clear.
Except for Darius. He got stuck in the Minecart and got hit with so much cake and Mountain Dew that he looked like a snow man at a dog convention.
And as I looked out at the sea of mob kids covered in condiments, somebody started slow clapping.
Until the whole gym was clapping in happiness and excitement. And I stood proud because they knew that I, Dirk Zombie Craftly, was their hero. . .
. . .Actually, Skelly started slow clapping and nobody followed.
“Dude, you are such a loser,” Rachel said as she rolled her eye sockets at him.
Sunday
I woke up this morning feeling like a new zombie.
I mean, besides not having arms, I just felt like I was the best thing since sliced Minecraft bread.
Not only did I save the school, but when I got home last night Carrie and her family came by to apologize.
And before Carrie left. . .she kissed me.
What can I say. . .
I’m the Man! I’m the Man!
Mmph! Mmph! Mmph! Mmph!
(That’s me doing my happy dance, by the way. . .but with no arms.)
Yeah!
Superstah!
Anyway, my mom got me some spare arms from the basement, which was cool.
Except I think one belonged to a sailor Zombie ’cause it had a tattoo with the word “Mom” on it.
Yeah, I told you moms were weird.
The other arm belonged to a kid that really liked picking his nose.
I know because of the really long pinky nail.
Comes in really handy, though.
I’m rebuilding my booger collection.
Monday
Today, I went to go see Steve to see how he was holding up with the upcoming death match with Herobrine.
CLAPBOOM!
That is so strange when that happens. . .
Then, I started thinking. Man, that must really be tough. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to have the safety of the whole Overworld on your shoulders.
But if anyone can handle it, it’s Steve.
That guy is the bravest human, or Mob, I have ever met.
So if anyone is going to save the Overworld from utter destruction, it’s going to be Steve.
When I got to Steve’s house, I just found his suitcase outside of his house.
So I walked inside and saw Steve getting ready to leave.
“Uh. . .where you going, Steve?”
“Oh. . .uh. . .I’m just taking a little vacation. . .for like the next one hundred years.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, man,” Steve said. “I can’t beat him. Herobrine is too tough. He’s got magic powers, and all I can do is punch a tree.”
CLAPBOOM!
“See!”
“What about punching one tree ten thousand times like your ‘San Soo’ said?”
“You mean ‘sensei.’ And his name is Spruce Lee and I saw it on television, OK. I’m no ninja.”
Oh, man. If Steve can’t beat. . . uh. . . ”H,” then it’s going to mean that “H” is going to destroy the Overworld. And I’ll never get a chance to experience life with Carrie as my girlfriend.
“Steve, you gotta fight him, man. You’re the only one who can.”
“I don’t know, man,” Steve said. “Nice tattoo, by the way.”
“Oh, thanks. . .but if you can’t fight him, what are we going to do?”
Steve looked at me for a minute and then dropped his suitcase.
“Yeah, you’re right!” Steve said as he walked over and started punching the tree again.
“I guess if I have to die so that the rest of the Overworld could live, then so be it!”
Punch, punch, punch. . .
Wow, I can’t let Steve die. He’s like my best friend in the whole Overworld.
But what can I do?
As I said goodbye to Steve, I realized this might be the last week that I will ever see him again.
And that’s when I realized what I needed to do.
I need to destroy the Wicked Witch of the Well, and hopefully that’ll stop “H” from destroying Steve and the rest of the Overworld.
Yep, that’s what I need to do.
Gulp!
Yep, uhhhh. . . that’s what I need to do.
Tuesday
I finally found a posse to take with me to fight the Wicked Witch of the Well.
I asked a lot of people to come, but a lot of them gave me strange looks as soon as I mentioned the story of the Wicked Witch of the Well.
Or was it when I mentioned Dirk Craftly?
Eh, I couldn’t tell.
Anyway, I asked I.P. Freely to come but I think he said he’s still allergic to stupid.
Rajit was going to come, but he had some Shulker relatives who decided to float in at the last minute.
