Cronica Acadia

by C. J. Deering

  “I have heard that too,” said Icil with a smile.

  “A king’s ransom,” said Angus.

  In time the conversation turned lighter. Icil unrelentingly and unsuccessfully hit on Ashlyn for almost an hour before he announced that he was leaving Hammersmith. The gathering hushed with concern, especially the dwarves just introduced to their mysterious human neighbor. He explained he must leave to further his vendetta against Gykoja, and that returned good cheer to the dwarves. What Icil did not tell them was that he had also taken the blood of the unicorn. To defile even a dead unicorn was on dubious legal and moral grounds, even when committed by one on so noble a quest. Nerdraaage interrupted the well-wishers to ask if he couldn’t stay for his joining ceremony in the morning.

  Icil seemed somewhat taken aback by the invitation. “You never told me,” said Icil.

  “Oh, sorry,” said Nerdraaage. “We just decided today.”

  “I will of course be there.” Icil said goodnight to the dwarves and the Keepers. Nerdraaage, who, even stoned, stood in respect as they bid good night to the master blackguard.

  Finally Icil took Ashlyn’s hand and kissed it. “Forgive my coarseness,” he whispered. “It was only during the course of our conversation tonight that I realized you had not before lain with a man.” Ashlyn looked wide-eyed at him. “I hope that we meet again when you are not such an innocent.” He smiled and walked out of the inn. He waited until he was out the door before he unappeared. Ashlyn did not know how his words had made her feel, only that it was a very strong feeling.

  XLV

  The next morning the Keepers awoke early. They ate and discussed their plans. It was thought unlikely that the joining ceremony would be without a feast, and that meant they would need to stay one more day before they could head off for Templa Taur. One more day of drunken excess and room charges. But they all knew it was important for Nerdraaage to join a clan, especially now that it was embossed on his commission.

  Doppelganger, Dangalf, and Ashlyn shopped, and due to the excitement of Nerdraaage’s commissioning and clan joining, they overspent on gifts. They bought a buckskin jacket and pants for Nerdraaage to wear over his blacks and his own bow and quiver. He had told them how blackguards often played the part of hunters to avoid unwanted attention.

  Benches had been set up in front of the reeve’s office carved into the mountainside. With about thirty minutes to go before the ceremony, the seats were filling quickly, but the Keepers were ushered to seats of honor in the front row of the right bank of benches.

  Ashlyn was careful to sit between Doppelganger and Dangalf so that Icil would not be directly next to her. Angus pulled Nerdraaage away from his friends to introduce him to the members of the clan that were able to arrive in time for the hastily arranged ceremony, including Angus the Elder, Angus the Red, Just Plain Angus, and Angus Junior (Angus the Young’s father, first brother, first uncle, and first son, respectively), who with himself and his wife made up the six pillars of his family. Rhona said what a lovely day it was for a joining ceremony and sat behind the Keepers.

  Doppelganger saw the glowing elf as she looked curiously on the proceedings from an upstairs window. His heart began to beat a little faster with the thought that she might come down to watch. He had the perfect excuse to talk to her as it was his friend who was the subject of the joining ceremony. Instead, she observed that Doppelganger was observing her and let the drapes fall shut. Doppelganger’s heart sunk but at least he had the satisfaction of smiling at her which was a vast improvement over his previous interaction with her.

  Dangalf’s hat was taken in a gust of wind, and he pursued it. Donald greeted the Keepers and took a seat next to Rhona. Ashlyn thought Dangalf had returned and leaned into him to whisper and instead found that she had leaned into Icil. She recoiled.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you,” said Icil. “But I saw an empty seat.” He patted her bare knee and she jerked it away.

  Ashlyn had felt the eyes of a hundred lusty males but none had dared touch her intimately. (Except for Dangalf, who had accidentally touched her breast one night and then turned beet red and apologized so profusely that she finally had to tell him to shut up.) Icil had her in a dither, and no one in the whole world (this or the other) had ever made her dither. Dangalf apologized silently to Ashlyn as he dusted off his hat and took a seat next to Icil.

  The reeve appeared on the steps with a handsome leather tome, and Angus walked Nerdraaage over to him. “Congratulations, lad,” said the reeve. “You’re joining a fine clan.”

  “Thank you, Reeve,” said Nerdraaage.

  The musicians played a lively tune, and Nerdraaage looked back to his friends and smiled. He noticed a she-dwarf marching slowly toward the steps. She was gaily dressed, festooned even, and carried a firkin of beer under one arm and a gold-and-silver tankard with her free hand. “Who is that?” asked Nerdraaage.

  “Your bride,” said Angus. Nerdraaage doubted his ears. He looked back to his friends, who had also heard Angus. Ashlyn covered her mouth as she felt it would have been inappropriate to burst out laughing. Doppelganger and Dangalf were dumbstruck. They looked back and forth to each other and the encroaching bride. She was young, blond, and not unattractive.

  “I thought this was a joining ceremony,” said Nerdraaage.

  “Aye,” said Angus. “And what did you think we were going to join you to? A goat?”

  Nerdraaage looked at his bride and Angus and the reeve and his friends and Icil and then back to Angus. “I thought I was joining the clan.”

  “What part of joining ceremony do you not understand?”

  The bride reached the steps and smiled sweetly at Nerdraaage. He was too stunned to even smile back. The reeve began saying some sort of ancient and florid speech, but Nerdraaage didn’t hear it. “Morna, do you find Nerdraaage fit for your clan, your family, and your hearth?” asked the reeve.

  “Aye,” said the bride.

  Nerdraaage looked back to his friends for help, but they were none. That damned reeve was still blabbing about something. “And you, Nerdraaage, will you tap Morna’s firkin?”

  Angus held out a hammer and tap to Nerdraaage. He might as well have been holding a scorpion and a handful of warg shite. None of it made sense to Nerdraaage, and he wasn’t about to touch either one. “Nerdraaage?” said the reeve.

  “Answer him, lad,” said Angus. Nerdraaage looked at his bride and Angus and the reeve and his friends and Icil and back to his bride. He didn’t know what to do. And then he did it. He unappeared.

  The crowd went “ooh” and then all was quiet except for one low chuckle coming from the human assassin. He leaned into Ashlyn and whispered, “I told you he could unappear when he had to.”

  Angus walked over to Doppelganger and Dangalf. Dangalf squinted and leaned back as for some reason he thought Angus was going to slap him. “You’re his seconds,” said Angus. “Go get him.”

  Doppelganger and Dangalf rose and stood awkwardly, not sure how to proceed. Donald stood. “I’ll go with you,” he said.

  Ashlyn tugged frantically on Dangalf’s robes, but he pulled them away from her. “They’ll find him,” Icil reassured Ashlyn. “He hasn’t learned walk without footprints.” She smiled at his efforts to comfort her. “Well,” he continued. “Looks like we have a joining ceremony and no couple. What will we do?” He patted her again on the knee, and she dithered a bit more.

  XLVI

  They found Nerdraaage in the best hiding place in Hammersmith: sitting behind the white library. As Donald and his friends approached, Nerdraaage looked tightly coiled, but he made no effort to spring. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “Not to worry, lad,” said Donald. “You just got a case of elf feet.”

  “I thought the joining ceremony was just to join the clan. I didn’t know about the marriage.”

  “That’s the problem when dwarves are reared outside the clan.”

  “I want to be an adventurer.”

  “She kn
ows that.”

  “I just don’t think I’m ready for marriage. I’m not that experienced with women. I mean she-dwarves.”

  “Neither was I my first time!”

  “How many times have you been married?”

  “All three times.”

  Dangalf thought that was an odd expression, and a second later he thought he had figured it out. “How many wives do you have?” he asked.

  “Three,” said Donald plainly. “Every dwarf must do his part. We don’t breed like the humans do every nine months. Sometimes two or three like a sow.” Of course, thought Dangalf. Three wives because the world itself sets upon three pillars!

  “We wanted to leave tomorrow,” said Nerdraaage.

  “That’s fine. Get married, get your tattoo, and tonight enjoy your wedding hearth. Tomorrow, you’ll be on your way.”

  “Tattoo?” Nerdraaage brightened.

  Donald rolled up his sleeve revealing the ornately inked names of his wives in three separate bands. “Come on, lad,” said Donald. He said something in ancient Dwarvish, but then he repeated it in Acadish, “There comes a time when every dwarf must stop drinking beer from his boot.” Dangalf started thinking that ancient dwarves couldn’t describe a sunset without using beer. “There’s something else that bears mentioning,” said Donald. “The books for Stonefist are open now, but they won’t always be. It is a fleeting opportunity for someone of unknown quality to be given a chance to have his name inscribed on such a fine roster.”

  “What do you guys think?” he asked of the humans.

  “Well,” said Dangalf. “There is a question of documents already sent to the lorekeepers identifying you as Clan Stonefist. Misrepresenting clan affiliation is a serious offense.”

  Nerdraaage pulled out his commission scroll to see if it had changed since he last looked at it. It read, “Nerdraaage” and below that, “Clan Stonefist.” Still not convinced, Nerdraaage looked to Doppelganger for his wisdom.

  “You could do worse,” said Doppelganger with a shrug.

  Nerdraaage, resigned, stood and faced Angus. “Do I send her coin when I’m gone?”

  “She knows you don’t have two farthing to rub together. She has her own house and garden. She’s Clan Stonefist, and they take care of their own. Course, if you strike it rich during your adventuring, it wouldn’t hurt to send some of it her way.”

  XLVII

  Later that night, Nerdraaage crawled into his wife’s bed and undressed under the covers. His smiled proudly at his new tattoo but his arm still hurt. Dwarven skin is thick, and the tattoo is inked very deep. Morna entered wearing a long, practical nightgown and got into the bed with him.

  He found her very attractive in the firelight. She was more squat than females he had been attracted to previously, but his own squatness and his drunkenness made her more appealing.

  They lay separately for a moment until she leaned over and kissed him. He leaned toward her, and she laid back. He climbed on top of her, and she pulled up her nightgown. She exhaled on him, and he found the beer smell and the softness of her flesh to be arousing. Things progressed quite naturally, and he found her hearth warm and pleasing. And Nerdraaage, who was a virgin in the other universe, lost his cherry to a she-dwarf.

  XLVIII

  Before first light the next day, Nerdraaage’s friends waited for him outside his wife’s cottage. They had been in Hammersmith, as Ashlyn had calculated it, “forever,” and all were eager to get on the road.

  “Goodbye, wife,” said Nerdraaage as he headed out her front door and down her rope ladder. Walking away, he turned nervously to Doppelganger. “I’ve forgotten her name!”

  “Isn’t it tattooed on your arm?”

  Nerdraaage slapped his big friend on the back, “We dwarves know what we’re doing!”

  Farewells were said at the gate to Angus, Rhona, Donald, and other acquaintances that they had met during their weeks in Hammersmith. Doppelganger looked back to the reeve’s office for one last look at the princess, but it was not to be.

  Angus told Nerdraaage to send him a bird on occasion, and Rhona tied a scarf of Stonefist tartan around his neck. “You probably won’t wear this when you’re out murdering and such, but you can wear it at other times,” she said. The other Keepers had observed that he had also been given many gifts of coin after his joining service, but they did not know how much, and he had not told them.

  The Keepers were loaded down with food and beer, but they knew for the long journey to Templa Taur, that they would probably have to hunt and gather their own food as well. They could conceivably carry enough food if they didn’t bring beer, but that wasn’t going to happen. And so they departed.

  They passed the unmarked spot in the woods that led to Icil’s abode, and they all turned respectfully even though they knew it to be abandoned.

  “Your reading came true,” Ashlyn suddenly said to Dangalf.

  “About what?” he asked.

  “The death card for Nerdraaage,” she answered. Nerdraaage also listened at the sound of his name. “You told Nerdraaage that the death card signified change. And now he’s married.”

  “That’s right!” said Dangalf triumphantly.

  “Maybe it would have been better just to die,” said Doppelganger.

  They had only walked a few hours when a pigeon fluttered down to Ashlyn and gave up its message. It bore the seal of the Reeve of Hammersmith and implored them to come back immediately on a matter of “Alliance security.”

  “Are you kidding me?” groaned Ashlyn. But they all realized they could not refuse.

  XLIX

  Donald came down the road with a patrol to intercept them and did so about an hour still outside of Hammersmith. They asked what was of such import, but he said it was better not to speak of such things in the open.

  It was just past ten when they arrived at the town gate. Donald ushered them into the reeve’s private office. Dangalf admired the reeve’s library while the others sat in his overstuffed chairs. The reeve entered through another door and held it open with his back as the glowing elven princess entered. Those who were sitting knew to stand.

  “Princess, these are the adventurers I spoke of,” said the reeve.

  Dangalf spontaneously bowed. Doppelganger and Nerdraaage followed with their own awkward bows. Ashlyn curtsied. “I’m sorry that I don’t know their names. Except for this one I just joined yesterday,” he said nodding at Nerdraaage. “What was your name again?”

  “Nerdraaage.”

  “Yes, that’s it. Nerdraaage and the rest of you, this is Princess Dymphna of the elven royal family. Fifteenth?” the reeve asked the princess.

  “Eighteenth,” she answered in a gentle, aristocratic voice.

  “Eighteenth in line to the throne,” continued the reeve’s introduction.

  Doppelganger noticed that she had made eye contact with each of the Keepers except for him. The princess and the reeve sat, and the Keepers followed suit. The reeve continued: “The princess was attacked in the western wood and was fortunate to make it here alive.”

  “Yeah, we heard,” interrupted Nerdraaage excitedly. The reeve looked at him reproachfully. “Sir. I mean, sire. Master Reeve.”

  “And if you lot know about it, you can be sure the enemy knows about it too. The princess should have been out of here a day ago, but, pardon my human tongue, the princess is caught in a pissing contest.”

  The princess let slip the most delicate laughter that she quickly stifled. She looked down at her own lap with a wicked grin until she could compose herself. Doppelganger saw now that she was more than the stunning elven royalty he had admired from afar. If it was possible to fall in love with a woman, or in this case a she-elf, over something as trivial as stifled laughter at an indelicate comment, then he had just done so.

  The reeve continued for the benefit of those who were not preoccupied with romantic daydreams: “The Legion or other wicked parties sent out two assassins to kill the princess. It was only through
the heroic efforts of her Templar that she escaped. We are not concerned with why they wanted to kill her. We simply want to get her back to elven lands, where she’ll be safe. A day ago a flight of dragoons was to arrive and transport her, but they were rerouted to the front at the last moment. Now we are looking at another day or longer before dragoons or elven guards will be able to arrive for her. But the princess does not want to wait another day, and honestly, I agree with her. We do not have the resources here to protect her. She has asked for escort immediately for the nearest elven town, Templa Taur. We became aware that you four also were embarked for that town. We, the princess and I, are agreed that the best defense is for her to leave immediately without fanfare and in the company of unassuming travelers. The Acadian Alliance of Righteous Races calls upon you to escort the princess and to lay down your lives if necessary in her defense.”

  Heroes, seekers, mercenaries, and adventurers! thought Dangalf. In the game this quest would be simple enough to accept and would offer great rewards. But here, in this real world, it posed great risks for their lowly group. Those two she-troll assassins could be unappeared just outside the gate for all they knew. They had already seen how effortlessly Icil had incapacitated the four of them. Two assassins with murderous intentions would kill them all in a few seconds, not to mention all the other threats they might face on unfamiliar roads with such a high-profile companion. They would have to consider this quest with great deliberation and accept it only with the informed and willing consent of all the Keepers.

  Doppelganger stood up. “We accept,” he said. The princess now made eye contact with him and nodded slightly.

  L

  The reeve and Donald walked the princess and the Keepers to the front gate. “An escort quest,” said Nerdraaage. “This will be great for our reputations. Especially with the elves!”

  “If we don’t get killed,” said Ashlyn.

  “I am sorry that I can not spare any guards,” said Donald. “We are at half strength as it is. But we leave you in very good hands, I believe.”