Hate to Love You (Baker's Bunch Book 1)

by Lily Ryan

  “Really?” She lights up. “I haven’t been ice skating in so long.”

  “Yep.” I answer, pulling my shirt over her head. And then we’ll come back and get ready for dinner.”

  Excitement lights her eyes. “Are we going somewhere?”

  “Yes.” I take her hand in mine and pull her up off the bed. “But we aren’t going alone.”

  “Is Tyler coming?” She doesn’t look thrilled with the idea of her brother joining us. Good because that’s not the plan.

  “No. But you do have to text him and let him know you’re having a good time, or else he’ll bust in here and ruin everything.”

  She pulls her phone out of her pocketbook, “Then who are we going with?”

  “ I thought, if you don’t mind, we could have dinner with my parents.”

  “Your parents? Cole, I don’t know.”

  I take a few steps so that I’m standing in front of her. I look down at her in nothing but my shirt and a sense of possessiveness fills me. The pink of her nipples shadows through the white material.

  “Are you embarrassed of being with me?”

  She shakes her head. “It’s just, they’ll have questions and, I don’t know.”

  “I do. They’re looking forward to seeing you.”

  Her face fills with color. She is embarrassed. “But then . . . OMG, If we’re not quiet. They’ll know. Cole! I think they might have heard us last night.” her hands cover her mouth. She looks mortified. “I can’t face your parents!”

  I chuckle. “You’re not embarrassed of being seen with me, you’re embarrassed of people knowing we’re fucking.” I say, brushing my thumb over the hardened peaks of her perky tits causing the area around them to pebble.

  “Cole!”

  “I have news for you, princess. They already know. Why do you think my mother baked the banana muffins? She knows you’re here, and how much this weekend means to me.”

  “She does?” Sam looks spooked.

  “Um hmm. Now sit your ass down, and eat.” I say, lifting the covers off the plates with the warm food.

  There’s so much more I want to say, to reassure her. Tell her how empty I felt over the last month without her. How my parents took notice. That they, more than anyone know how much she means to me, but I’m afraid if I do, she’ll shut down again. As much as I want to spend time naked with her, it’s more important to take her out on the town.

  I have thirty six hours left to let my actions speak for me. I’m going to continue doing everything in my power to show, not tell her, what she means to me. Starting right now.

  Chapter 24

  Samantha

  “Cole, I don’t know how to thank you for this weekend. It’s been . . .” I search for the perfect word, but can’t find one to express all the different emotions running through me. “I feel like I stepped out of my life and into one of those happily ever after fairytales.”

  “Fairytale huh? I don’t remember any of those princess characters having sex of any sort, let alone the insane fucking we’ve had over the last few days, or else they would’ve held my interest a lot better.”

  “You’re such a jerk!” I say, with a huge smile on my face.

  “Unless,” he wears a quizzical look. “You know that one chick that lived with the seven little men. I bet they saw some action,” he winks at me.

  “Little men? They’re Dwarfs, silly.”

  “Do you know for a fact that’s what they want to be called, I mean you never know, that might be an offensive term.”

  I rip the corner of my napkin, roll it between my thumb and forefinger and toss it at him.

  “Seriously,” he reaches across the table and takes my hand. You’d think after two days of being touched and kissed by Cole constantly, of sleeping in his arms and waking to his smile, I’d be immune to the warmth and the tingles that come with his touch. I’m not. A million years might pass and he’ll still make me swoon. “The point was for this to be some sort of grand gesture to show you what you mean to me.”

  “Grand gesture? You mean like in the eighties movies when the guy shows up with a large boom box or rides on a lawn mower under the girl’s window.”

  “Maybe not exactly like that.” He picks at the fries left on my plate. “But, aside from the gala; the movies, ice skating, dinner, we could’ve done it all near your school, but I wanted to do it here, where people we know would see us. Where I could bring my girlfriend to have dinner with my parents, not Tyler’s little sister.”

  “Cole, I never complained about keeping us a secret.” His eyebrow quirks up, along with the corner of his lip. I shrug. “Okay, maybe I complained a little bit, but that’s because it kept me from spending time with you. That’s all I wanted.”

  He squeezes my hand, and his blue eyes grip me, they cradle my heart and hold me frozen in place. “You should’ve complained. A lot. I just didn’t realize how wrong it was, how wrong I was, until now.”

  I don’t have a clue what to say. I shouldn’t be shaking in my skin, but I am. I’m too nervous to look at him. My eyes fall to the table. “The weekend is pretty much over.”

  “I know. I’m all too aware of how empty my bed is going to be tonight,” his eyes twinkle.

  Now he has my body tingling with his words. Maybe spending an entire weekend together wasn’t the smartest idea. I had a better time than I thought possible, and feel closer to Cole than I have to anyone ever. It terrifies me!

  Cole made me feel special. Like I really am his princess. It’s the little things he did like the banana muffins and dinner with his parents that drilled him deep in my heart, deeper than he was the first time.

  And then the alone time! I don’t know if it’s because I missed him so much or because I was so nervous the first few times we had sex together, but Cole made my body shake and tremble then explode in ecstasy. Every touch sends my pulse racing and ignites a fire down below. And my heart, it literally beats for him.

  I’m under his spell again. This time it’s worse than before because I know how fast and hard I spiraled out of control. How deep the pain of being hurt and betrayed by him ran. This isn’t where I want to be. It’s not healthy. I need space. I need room to breathe in a Cole free environment to get my head together.

  “I made it clear where I stand. I want you. I want us.” he brushes his thumb over the back of my hand. “The ball is in your court.” He keeps his eyes glued on me, and I swear I think he’s holding his breath. After a long moment of silence he adds, “Hopefully that starts with you saying you forgive me.”

  “Yes, Cole. I forgive you.”

  His smile lights up the diner. “Then why are your eyes watery as if you’re about to cry.”

  “Because I hate you!”

  My words wipe the smile off his face and dim the light in his eyes. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “I hate you for being so . . . perfect. Because perfect doesn’t exist. It isn’t real, which means you’re lying.”

  “About what?”

  “I don’t know. But I hate you for it. And I hate you for making me feel special because I’m not. And acting like I am, is a practical joke. One where I end up covered in pigs blood and everyone laughs at me.” My voice cracks and I’m about to lose it.

  “Sam,” his brows furrow together. “Where the hell is this coming from?”

  “I hate you for being everything I ever wanted, Cole. Everything. Especially after this weekend, because it was the most amazing weekend of my life.”

  A look of relief washes across his face. “You had me nervous. For a minute I thought you were serious.”

  I take a long look in his eyes before I speak again. “I am serious.”

  “You don’t hate me, Sam.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “You want to hate me,” his voice is soft and velvety. “If you hate me, it’s easier than facing the truth.”

  “And what do you think the truth is?”

  Cole’s blue eyes close a moment too long. �
�You’re afraid. Your world has been shaken up over the last few months. You expect me to hurt you, just like everyone else. Like it’s inevitable. I get it. I really do. But I’m not going to do it. I swear Sammie.”

  I wipe the dampness from under my eyes.

  He’s wrong, but how can I tell him? Tell the person that owns my heart that he will hurt me, break me, when he realizes I’m not worthy of him or the thoughtfulness and attention he’s shown me all weekend?

  That he’s the most amazing guy in the world and knowing he cares so much terrifies me? That it highlights how broken I am inside?

  The only way Cole will understand is if I tell him everything. Everything. And I’m too chicken to do that because he won’t ever again look at me the way he is right now. The way he has all weekend.

  He’ll hate me.

  Even thinking there’s a remote chance that Cole Andrews can hate me, kills me inside.

  Chapter 25

  Cole

  I lost her. I had her right where I wanted, Right where I hoped and she shut down. We drive back to her dorm room in silence. I want to touch her, pull her back to me, but I don’t. I’m done reaching out. I’m done putting myself out there just to be shot down. If she wants me, she can take the chance.

  “You’re very quiet,” she says, looking down at her hands when we’re ten minutes away.

  I shrug. “There’s not much to say. You seem to be dead set on pushing me away, and I’m tired of getting shot down.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing.”

  “Yes it is.” I hear the frustration in my voice. “It’s the same thing you’ve been doing to your father.” I don’t know why I bring him up now. Mentioning him is only going to piss her off.

  “My father is different!” She insists.

  “How’s that?”

  “I know what I saw.”

  I shake my head. “No, you don’t. You knew what you saw with me and Callie, and you were wrong about that, too. You’re quick to jump to conclusions. You fill in the blanks with what you think fits neatly as long as someone lets you down. As long as someone else is to blame. I have news for you, Samantha. Sometimes life, isn’t neat and it doesn’t fit into a box. This is one of those times.”

  “He gave up. He left us!” She yells.

  “Is that what this is about? Are you pushing me so hard to find my breaking point? To see how long before I give up? Because I have to tell you, I’m at the end of my rope.”

  “Don’t you get it, I’m scared. And I don’t want to end up like my mother.”

  “Your mother is the catalyst in all this. You’re happy to sit here and put your father through hell, never once asking for his side of the story. Yes, he kissed his secretary, but that was only after your mother asked him to move out.”

  “You’re wrong,” she argues. Her confidence evaporates with every word.

  “No, Sam. Your mother is the one that cheated. She’s been having an affair for the last year. She hurt your father.”

  “No. She wouldn’t do that. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Why don’t you confront her? Ask her?” I can keep going, give Sam more details, but it’s obvious she doesn’t want to believe me. She might as well cover her ears, jump up and down, and stomp her feet in a bid to shut me up.

  This isn’t how I wanted to tell her. I promised Mr. Stone I’d help him. But the way things are going tonight, if I don’t get it out right now, I might not have another chance.

  “Did you ever bother asking him for his side? No. And it makes no sense. Your father is crazy about you.”

  “He destroyed me.”

  “He didn’t destroy you. Your mother did, but you’re dead set on hurting him, on punishing him. Just like your punishing me.

  I pull into the parking lot and turn the engine off.

  “I’m not trying to punish you,” she yells getting out and slamming the door. “I’m punishing me! I fucked up, Cole. Me. And I’m not asking you to forgive me because I can’t forgive myself.”

  *

  I sit in the car, debating what to do. I want to go after Sam, but the more I chase her the faster and further away she’ll run. We had an amazing weekend together; we talked, we laughed, we held each other. I thought we were in a good place. What the hell happened?

  This isn’t how I wanted to leave things. I wanted to walk Sam to her room, hold her in my arms and kiss her long and hard when we said goodbye.

  Why am I sitting in the car?

  I hit the wheel out of frustration with the bottom of my hand, get out and and head to the dormitory after her.

  I grab the open door as someone leaves the building and head up to Samantha’s room. Her door is open when I get there, and son of a bitch, she’s sitting on her bed with Zane’s arms around her.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I don’t realize the words leave my mouth until I hear my voice, “I’m done. I’m so fucking done!” I turn and head back down the hall to leave.

  “Cole, no!” She calls after me.

  I don’t stop. I know she ran to Zane when she saw me with Callie. I choked that down and put that behind us. I know he was still in the picture when we moved her in, but now? We had a great weekend together. I didn’t even leave yet and he’s already here?

  I’m. Fucking. Done.

  I take the steps two at a time because I can’t get out of here fast enough.

  “Cole!” Sam’s voice rings out in the night air.

  I should ignore her and keep going. I shouldn’t hear her out. But I stop. I turn and face the girl up until an hour and a half ago I thought I had a future with, and glare at her.

  “What!”

  “I swear I didn’t know he was coming. I got up to my room and he was there.” She wipes under her eyes with her fingers.

  “Whatever. I don’t give a fuck anymore.”

  “Don’t . . . Don’t say that!” Fear sounds in her voice.

  “Why not? I don't know what to do anymore. You've got me twisted in knots. One minute you act like you want me, like I’m the only man in the world you could be with, the next, you're looking to hook up with another guy.”

  “That’s not what happened.”

  “I thought we had something real. I thought we were worth fighting for. Shit that’s all I did for the last month,” I run my hand through my hair. I need to end this conversation now because looking in Sam’s sad eyes boils my blood. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. “You made your point, Sam. You’re not willing to fight or even try, so I’m giving you what you want, I’m walking away.” I take one step before I hear her voice.

  “Cole, no! I’m willing to fight.” I turn back to her and find her nibbling on her bottom lip. “Please, I want to try. In the car . . .” She looks off to the side for a moment before meeting my stare. “My emotions are so strong and confused, I had a hard time expressing myself.”

  “It didn’t look like you had a problem expressing yourself to Zane.”

  “He’s leaving for boot camp and came to say goodbye. That’s all this is. I swear. Call Austin and ask him if you don’t believe me.”

  “Call Austin? I shouldn’t have to call anyone to check on you. That’s not who I am and that’s not the kind of relationship I want.”

  I reach my hand around to the back of my neck. I’m wrecked again. Because of her. There comes a point where you realize you’re fighting a battle you can never win. I’m there. And I’m ready to surrender.

  “I’m sorry, Sam. I don’t have the energy for this anymore.”

  She reaches out for me, grabs my belt loops, just like she did the night we first got together, and pulls me to her. I don’t extend my arms to touch her. I just look down at her beautiful face. Memorizing the curve of her cheek, and the slope of her nose. Even the curl of her long dark lashes.

  “Please, Cole, don’t give up on me.”

  Chapter 26

  Samantha

  “This sucks,” I say with sigh looki
ng waiting for my best friend to help pick me up.

  Sometimes I wish I didn’t push the issue with Cole the night my brother overdosed. I pushed and I set this all in motion. I’m not sure where I stand with him. He’s right to be upset and frustrated with me. And he’s right, I don’t hate him. I’m scared to death of how I feel for him.

  If anyone ever suggested I’d put myself in a situation where I’d offer up my body to a random guy I never met before to do body shots, and who knows what else, I never would’ve believed it. I’d bet every cent I have in my college fund I’d never let myself fall so far, and I’d be dead-ass-broke right now.

  “You love him, idiot,” Abby says, through my tablet. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “I understand why you said the rest of it, but why didn’t you tell him you love him at the end?”

  “I don’t know. I keep thinking when he finds out what happened that night, he’s going to be so mad he’s never going to talk to me again.”

  “So you ended things before they started? You hurt him instead of the other way around?”

  “No. I mean, I don’t know what I did or what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him.”

  “Did you call him? Text him? Have you done anything to show him you want him the way he showed you?” She asks mashing her lips together after dressing them up with gloss.

  “I told him I wanted to work through it, and he didn’t believe me.”

  “Can you blame him? He walked in and found you sitting on your bed with Zane’s arms around you.”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “It doesn’t matter. That’s how he saw it. He took a back seat to Zane the day you moved into your dorm. Who knows what he’s heard about you guys since. Remember, people talk, and there were a lot of people at that party. You don’t know what’s being said. He’s still home. You’re not.”

  I bang my head on the desk in front of me. She’s right. “You’re supposed to be my friend.”

  “Like it or not, I am being your friend. You need to get your shit together or you’re going to lose him for good, if you haven’t already.”