by Lily Ryan
Have I lost him? Did I push him too far? That’s the real question. It’s a question I’m afraid to get the answer to.
“I have to go.”
“Don’t you dare, Sam,” she warns.
I press a button on my tablet to end the call. It’s a bitchy move, but I don’t want to be lectured. I just want someone to tell me how wrong Cole is and how I should forget him and move on.
No one will. Not my roommate, or my best friend. And I wish someone would tell me exactly when hell froze over because even my brother’s on Cole’s side.
*
“You moved out?” I ask, not believing my ears.
“I didn’t want to tell you how bad things were,” Tyler explains. “I know you’re having a hard time with everything, but I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I don’t understand. Why?”
“Sam, it’s not the same at home. Mom’s boyfriend and I, we just don’t get along. I hate him actually. And he’s always there.”
“Boyfriend?” My heart skips a beat. No. I must have heard wrong.
“Yeah, and he acts like he’s in control of everything, telling mom what I need is tough love, threatening to kick me out if I don’t get a job, like I’m not looking. Like anything going on in my life is any of his fucking business.”
I don’t understand. My brain hurts. “What are you talking about? Mom has a boyfriend?”
My brother sighs. “She didn’t tell you?”
“No.”
“Fuck,” he sighs. “She promised. I’m not surprised. After the blow out we had when she told me, Neil probably ordered her not to. Needless to say, I don’t like him. He thinks he could tell me what to do, and it’s not happening. I’m done living under that roof.”
“This doesn’t make any sense. Why would mom have a boyfriend so soon? I mean why would she allow someone she just met to act that?”
“I’m sorry, Sammie. I didn’t mean to spring this on you. But they didn’t just meet. They’ve been together for a while.”
This must be where Cole got the idea that my mother was the one having an affair.
“What am I going to do when I come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas?”
“Stay with Dad and me.”
“Yeah, no thanks. I’m not talking to him.”
“You can change that.”
I’m only half listening. I think I lost my mind. My mother has a boyfriend? and she’s letting him come between her and Tyler? She was heartbroken over the summer when my brother overdosed. Wasn’t she? She was heartbroken. Was it over her relationship with my father? Or lack thereof? Why else would she have a boyfriend so soon after he moved out?
Was Cole right?
“Ty?” I know I shouldn’t ask, shouldn’t put him in the middle, but I need help, and all I’ve done by doing this on my own is screw everything up. “How’s Cole?”
I’m not sure, but I think my brother growls at me. Some annoyed noise crosses over the phone line. “Do me a favor, sis. Keep me out of your drama.”
My heart sinks. “What the fuck, Tyler? You’re there for him, but not for me? I’m your fucking sister.”
“If you remember, I was the one that thought that you two getting together wasn’t a good idea, and for this reason. As for him, yeah, I helped him. I knew where he was at, I thought you were there too, but all it did was destroy my friend, so you know what, I’m out.”
My stomach drops. “Destroy him?”
“What did you think you’re little stunt was going to do?” Tyler’s so pissed his voice scares me. He let this boil and simmer inside him for a week and a half. I’m surprised he hasn’t called to bitch me out. I’m glad I’m not standing in front of him.
“Tyler, no.” I have a strange ache in my chest. “There was no stunt.”
“Right, you didn’t plan for Zane to be in your room waiting when you got back just to hurt Cole?”
“No! Does he really think I’d go out of my way to hurt him like that?”
“Isn’t that what you did when you saw him with Callie?”
Guilt blackens my heart. That’s exactly what I did. I can’t ask my brother the details of what he knows. I admitted to being somewhere, doing something I wasn’t proud of. And he knows Zane was involved. Did Zane tell Austin that he saved me from humiliating myself with Hunter? A heavy silence falls between us.
“I meant to hurt Cole then. Not now. Not after I spent the weekend with him.”
I close my eyes as I ask my brother a question I’m afraid to hear the answer to. It’s one of two questions I’m terrified to ask. “Does he hate me?”
“I told you, I’m out.”
“Please, Tyler, I need to fix this, to make it up to him. Please help me apologize.”
“Figure it out, Sam.” My brother’s voice softens. “If you care about him a fraction as much as he cares about you, you’ll know what to do.”
“He told you how he feels about me?”
“Yeah. His life sort of depended on it.”
“And you believe him?”
“Yeah, Sis, I believe him. He’s a good guy, and I never would’ve helped him if I didn’t.”
“I miss him so much, Tyler. I don’t know why I acted the way I did. I totally fucked up.”
“Then fix it.”
*
I take a deep breath. I should’ve called after I hung up with Tyler, but I’m a chicken, so I put it off and put it off some more. Now it’s midnight Friday, and I just hovered my finger over Cole’s number long enough for the call to go through.
The contents of my dinner swirl and swoop in my belly as the phone rings. I’m nervous, or scared, or a little of both. Maybe a lot of both.
I don’t know why I’m calling. I don’t even know if he’ll answer. The few text messages we exchanged over the last week and a half were short. Clipped. But, at least he responded.
“Hello.”
I melt at the sound of the familiar baritone voice. I miss him so much. My heart races. Butterflies soar, but my disobedient lips clamp together, and don’t allow a sound to escape.
It’s quiet on his end. He’s not out at a bar or a party. I think that’s a good sign. I cross my fingers and hope it is. There’s so much I want to say, need to say. If I could just get something out of my damn mouth.
“Sam?”
Dead air.
“If you have something to say say it, or else I’m hanging up,” he snaps.
“I don’t know where to start.”
It’s probably the dumbest thing I could say, but it’s the only thing I can get out.
“You can start with why you called. Or hello. Just say something.”
I swallow hard, searching for words while I get rid of the tremble in my voice. I fail, because I can’t control anything my body is doing.
"Something," I manage to get out.
“Are you drunk?”
“No. I’m sorry.”
There’s a long moment of silence. “For?” He continues before I have a chance to respond, “You know what, it’s fine. Whatever you do, it’s none of my business.”
“I want it to be your business.”
“I’m done playing these games with you. One minute you want me, the next you want nothing to do with me.”
“That’s not how it is. I’m not playing games,” I explain. “The last few months have been hard. I’ve felt lost. Confused. When something might hurt me, my first instinct is to run away. And you, you can hurt me in ways I can’t even imagine.”
“Exaggerate much?”
“No. I don’t think straight when it comes to you. My feelings for you are so strong, they scare the shit out of me.”
“Feelings? You mean like all the hate you have for me?”
Okay, this is officially a bad idea. Cole is pissed. He’s making it hard. I can’t blame him though. I deserve this and much worse.
“Can we talk?”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing now?”
“I mean in p
erson. I have some things I need to tell you and it has to be face to face.”
He doesn’t respond right away. He takes a few deep breaths. “I don’t know. I think it might be better if we don’t see each other again.”
“You mean ever?”
My heart stops as I wait for his answer. I want to go back in time, hit a reset button and redo the moment I let Callie destroy us. Destroy me. Instead of running away, I want to put my arm around Cole and tell him, tell both of them, how much he means to me.
“Yeah. I think this is better for us both.”
I shake my head and bite down on my lip. He can’t be serious. He’s still friends with Tyler. We’re going to see each other. We always did. We always will. Unless he goes out of his way to avoid me. Or I don’t live in the same house as my brother.
“I’m having dinner with my father Sunday night. I kind of wanted to ask you to come be my moral support.”
“The problem with that is I like your father. I respect him. I don’t want to sit there and listen to you trash him for something he didn’t do.”
“I asked my father to dinner so we could talk and clear the air.”
“So you called me because you’re chicken shit and want me there when you talk to him?”
“Yes.”
“I thought you called because you wanted to talk to me.”
I sit up in bed. I need to be alert because he’s using my own words to trip me up, and doing a good job of it. Too good a job.
“I did. I do. But I also value your opinion. A lot.” I hug a pillow to my chest, it’s all I can to to keep myself from completely unraveling. “And I’d really like you there because I feel stronger with you by my side, and . . . I miss you like crazy.”
“I’m sure Zane is doing a pretty good job of keeping you occupied.” I hear the anger and animosity in his voice.
“I haven’t seen Zane since the last time I saw you.”
“Am I supposed to feel bad about that?”
“Cole, please I want to talk about us.”
“There is no us. You made that clear. You moved on, and now I’m trying to do the same.”
My eyes tear. Is he telling me what I think he is?
“You moved on? Does that mean you’re dating someone else?” My voice cracks and I can’t hide the fact that I’m crying hysterically on the inside.
There’s a long pause. I think he hung up because I don’t even hear him breathe.
“I went on a date tonight.”
“Oh.” My voice is as deflated as my heart. I’m crushed. Shattered. I want to slam the phone down and find a cliff to jump off of. Since there are none around, I struggle to hold myself together instead. “How did it go?”
“Honestly, it was the worst two hours of my life.”
I’m a shitty person for being happy to hear that, but I am. I’m happy and relieved, and hope to God this means there’s still a chance for us.
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Are you really?” His asks, in a snarky tone.
“Not at all,” I manage to force a smile.
“So, you wanted to talk about us.”
“Not over the phone. I have to do this face to face. Please.”
“So wanting me there when you talk to your father is a bullshit excuse to get your way?”
“Uhg! You are so frustrating.” I’ve never seen him like this.
“Just calling it like I see it.”
“I want you there to hear what I have to say. It’s important. I think you were right. I jumped to conclusions when I should’ve asked for his side. After that, I’d like to talk to you about what happened between us and why I reacted the way I did after you went through so much thought and trouble for me. You don’t have to answer right now, you can think about it if you want.”
We both hang on the line in silence for a few long moments.
“I’ll be there.”
“Thank you, Cole! I can’t tell you how much this means to me.” I hate that I’m giddy. I wish I could throw my arms around him and squeeze him.
“Don’t thank me yet.” Uh oh. “I’m going to be honest, Sam. This doesn’t mean anything for us romantically. We’re not going to pick up where we left off, so get any ideas you might have about that out of your head.”
“I know.”
“Do you? Because it sounds like you think I’ve been sitting here with my thumb up my ass waiting for you to play me again.”
“No.” My voice is low. I sound meek. Just fucking wonderful. “That’s not what I think, or what I expect. I just need to be honest and clear the air.’
“I’m coming as a friend. Nothing more.”
His words have teeth. They sink into my flesh, and dig right down into the bone.
“Are you okay?” He asks after a long silence.
“Honestly, I don’t know. But I do know that this is the first step in getting there.”
Chapter 27
Cole
I take a deep breath, as Samantha gets out of the car. She stands and I get a whiff of her perfume. It hits me like a wrecking ball. I want to grab her, back her against the car and kiss her. Ravage her. Reignite the flames between us that simmer beneath the surface, but I can’t. For a couple of reasons.
First, we’re meeting her father here, and if he sees us groping each other, he’s going to kick my ass. No matter how much he might like and approve of me, she’s still his baby girl. Second, I promised myself I wouldn’t fall back into old habits when I see her. I know myself well enough to know it won’t stop at a kiss and inevitably we’ll end up having sex before we say goodbye.
That’s not enough for me anymore. I'm ready for something more. I want a relationship; someone I can have in my life for more than a night or two here and there. Someone I could hold and wrap myself around under the sheets, not just when we're getting tangled in them.
I leans toward her and brush the hair away from her face before taking her hand. Her eyes meet mine with surprise, and the strong, hard look in them softens.
"I’m glad you decided to do this,” I say. “You'll never know what's really in his heart if you don't hear him out."
She shrugs. “I guess.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I know he’s my father and that he loves me, but I’m nervous. I’ve been such a bitch. I don’t think he’ll forgive me.”
She looks so young and vulnerable. I’m shot back in time to her first day of middle school.
*
“You’re up early,” I say, as Sam sits down on the front porch steps, eyes down, shoulders slumped.
She shrugs. “I couldn’t sleep. I’m too nervous.”
“You’ll be fine.”
She shakes her head. This isn’t like Sam. She’s usually bubbly, and talkative. Half the time Tyler can’t shut her up. On top of which, she’s rarely ever this subdued. Usually, she’s bouncing around and full of energy,
“What are you afraid of?”
“There are a lot more kids in middle school. I’m already invisible. I don’t know what scares me more, if no one sees me, or if the all see me.”
I put my arm around her shoulder. “You’re not invisible. Just think of it as an opportunity to make new friends, on your terms. You’re really good at that.”
“Middle school is different. No one is going to want to be friends with me, I’m different than the other girls. They’re all into boys or sports. I’m into neither. Tyler said I’m not aloud to talk to boys, so forget ever having a boyfriend.” She sounds depressed about this.
“I think he just wants to keep you safe, until the right guy comes along.”
“I think he just wants everyone to look at me like I’m some kind of freak.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because he said no guy will ever be good enough for me.” Her mouth twists in annoyance.
“Maybe you should be thinking less about boys and more about the clubs and activities they have in middle school.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re out of there.”
“Yes. I am, but now I’m in high school, which is even worse.”
“Cole!”
I laugh. “I’m kidding. You got this. Just go be yourself. And don’t worry about dating.”
“Yeah but then the girls will make fun of me if I don’t at least pretend to like some of the boys.”
“Then tell them that’s because you already have a boyfriend.”
“They’ll know I’m lying.”
“Tell them it’s me. And I’m just waiting until you’re old enough to marry you.”
She lets out a long sigh and looks up at me with sad green eyes. “I wish you could come be my moral support.”
*
"You've got this, Sam. Remember how nervous you were going into middle school. You kicked ass, just like I said you would. This is just like middle school.”
“This isn’t like middle school at all. I couldn’t stand half those people. This is my father. And the only reason I went in as confident as I did was because of your little pep talk.”
“You remember that?” I’m surprised, I didn’t think she would. I had no idea it had that big of an impression on her. That I had that big of an impression on her back then.
“Um hm.” She nods “I remember wishing you could walk me to school that morning. But the high school started earlier.”
I squeeze her hand. I joked then about marrying her someday, but this serves to remind me, we’ve been connected for a very long time. Whatever this is between us started years ago.
“Does your father know I’m coming?”
Her eyes open wide. “No. I’m so sorry, Cole. I didn’t think about it. I know you don’t think he’ll approve of us, and since we’re not exactly together, I didn’t really think it’s a big deal, but I could see how you might. I hope you’re not too mad.” She nibbles on her bottom lip.
“I’m not mad at all.” I run my hand over her hair. “Sam, I have a confession. Your father knows about us.”
Her eyes open wide. “What?”
“He knew, Sam. He asked me point blank. And it proves that you were right. We should’ve been honest and told everyone in the beginning, just like you wanted. If I listened, we wouldn’t have hurt each other so much. I fucked up.”
