Antsy Does Time
Page 20
It’s all about spin, Old Man Crawley had said. Spin makes a big difference, doesn’t it? My father almost died, but spin it a little, and it’s a life-changing warning that taught him to appreciate the important things in life. And the Ümlauts—they lost just about everything they had, but with the right spin, it becomes a shining opportunity to start fresh.
I went back to their block a few months later, out of curiosity more than anything else. The house was still empty, and still at the center of a dust bowl. The bank that now owned the home was still trying to find a buyer—but, see, my sister, in her attempt to keep Ichabod undisturbed, had started a rumor that the backyard didn’t just contain a single cat grave—it was, in fact, a local pet cemetery, and the final resting place of a hundred neighborhood critters—not all of them resting in peace.
Funny thing about rumors, the harder a rumor is to believe, the more likely it’s going to chase buyers away. Serves the bank right.
As I approached the house that day, I saw a single weed trying to poke its way up through a crack in the pavement. The first sign that the dust bowl was over! Then, as I looked more closely at the yards all around me, I could see patches of little ugly weeds popping up everywhere. Life was coming back to the street, and I thought how appropriate that the first plants to come back will be the plants all the neighbors will kill with more herbicide. Thus is the cycle of life.
Me, I had better things to do than watch the weeds grow—because for my fifteenth birthday, my parents got me a passport, and a plane ticket. Brooklyn weeds may have their own unique charm—but I hear spring break is beautiful in Sweden!
APPENDIX 1
MORE FAKE QUOTES BY GUNNAR ÜMLAUT
“A family is a collection of strangers trapped in a web of DNA and forced to cope.”—MARIA VON TRAPP
“No luncheon shall ever present itself free from payment in coin or pound of flesh.”—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
“All right, I admit to having cursed the darkness once or twice.”
—ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
“Being rich is nothing when compared to being really, really rich.”—BILL GATES
“What no one seems to realize is that there are no bathrooms on the moon.”—NEIL ARMSTRONG
“I do not mourn the loss of my hearing, and in fact, I foresee a time when popular music shall cause entire populations to long for my affliction.”—LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN
“Time is the unquantifiable commodity that greases the gear work of creation. But I prefer Russian dressing.”
—ALBERT EINSTEIN
“The fabrication of quotes is like the manufacture of polyester. It may pretend to be silk, but suffocates when the climate is hot.”
—MAHATMA GANDHI
APPENDIX 2
THE DEATH EUPHEMISMS OF SKATERDUD
Pushing Posies
Meeting the Mud
The Dirt Dance
Snooze Button Bingo
The Root Rhumba
Sucking Seaweed4
The Formaldehyde High
Visiting Uncle Mort
Sniffing Satin
The China Express
Bucket Soccer
The Last Lawn Party
Farm Finale
The Shovel Symphony
Chillin’ with Jimmy
Box Potato
El Sayonara Grande
APPENDIX 3
ANTSY BONANO’S TIME CONTRACT (IN ITS FINAL VERSION)
I, ____________ being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath one month of my natural life to Gunnar Ümlaut, subject to the stuff listed below: 1. The month shall not be this coming May or June, or the last month of Gunnar Ümlaut’s life, any leap-year Februaries, or the months of his high school or college graduations, or the month of his marriage, should he live to those dates, as those months are already reserved by others.
2. The month shall be taken from the end of my natural life, and not the middle.
3. The donated month shall be null and void if my own expiration date is less than 31 days from the date of this contract, regardless of the length of the month which is ultimately donated.
4. Should Gunnar Ümlaut use my month for criminal acts such as shoplifting or serial killing, I shall not be held responsible.
5. The month shall be reduced to two weeks should Gunnar Ümlaut become my enemy for any reason including but not limited to the following: familial feud, personal grudge, nonrepayment of debt, all forms of bad-mouthing, hallway bullying, refusing a reasonable request to share lunch.
6. Gunnar Ümlaut, and/or his next of kin shall have no claim on property, or chunks of time beyond those granted in this contract, and said month shall have no cash value, unless mutually agreed upon, in which case I shall share equally in the cash value, without limitation, with the exception of limitations rising from the verifiable end of Gunnar Ümlaut’s life, either prior to or after aforementioned end.
7. Should any disputes arise from the exchange of this month, both parties agree to submit to binding arbitration by Anthony Bonano, who in this contract shall be known as the Master of Time.
____________________________ Signature
____________________________ Signature of Witness
1 NOT REALLY.
2 (I SUGGESTED A PITCHER OF WATER, BUT MOM REACHED OVER CHRISTINA AND SMACKED ME.)
3 (AT THIS POINT DAD REACHED TO THE DASHBOARD, AND FOR THE BRIEFEST INSANE MOMENT, I THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE REACHING FOR AN EJECTION BUTTON THAT WOULD SEND AUNT MONA FLYING THROUGH THE ROOF—BUT HE WAS JUST TURNING ON THE RADIO.)
4 FOR BURIAL AT SEA.