Education, Education, Education

by The Wardrobe Ensemble

  ARTHUR. Gareth.

  GARETH. Arthur.

  ARTHUR. Lancelot and Guinevere are in the castle.

  GARETH. Where?

  ARTHUR. The turret.

  GARETH. I am for you, my lord.

  BOTH. Hah!

  They exit. GUINEVERE and LANCELOT are kissing.

  ARTHUR and GARETH pound on the doors ferociously.

  GUINEVERE. We have been discovered!

  LANCELOT. Who goes there?! Enter at your own peril.

  GARETH and ARTHUR enter.

  ARTHUR. Lancelot.

  LANCELOT. Arthur.

  ARTHUR. Guinevere.

  GUINEVERE. Yes, Arthur?

  ARTHUR. Lancelot, you were my best friend.

  LANCELOT. And you mine.

  ARTHUR. How could you betray me?

  LANCELOT. She loves you not, she loves Sir Lancelot!

  ARTHUR. Guinevere, I loved you!

  GUINEVERE. My love for you has waned.

  ARTHUR. BUT I AM ARTHUR! I pulled Excalibur out of the rock. I am the king of kings! I am the personification of Britain itself!

  LANCELOT. I am conflicted. He was my best friend, but I must think of Guinevere and of our beautiful England!

  ARTHUR. Gareth?

  GARETH. Yes?

  ARTHUR. Burn her at the stake!

  GUINEVERE. Ahhhhh!

  LANCELOT. Nooooooo!

  SUE enters.

  SUE. And scene!

  Everyone drops their characters and become uninterested STUDENTS.

  That was wonderful, Year 10s, a real Smash Hit. Now we’re going to stage the moment where Malory wrote of the legendary battle between King Arthur and Lancelot. Everybody on this side, you are on the side of King Arthur.

  EMILY. Yes!

  SUE. Yes, that’s right, Emily! And everyone on this side, you are on the side of Lancelot.

  STUDENTS. Yeeeah!

  SUE. Let the battle commence.

  The sounds of battle fill the room. An epic slow-motion sword fight plays out. One of the STUDENTS accidentally hits another and we snap back to reality.

  TOM ENGLAND. Ah, why the fuck did you do that, you fucking prick?

  TOM BRENNAN. I didn’t mean to, did I?

  They start fighting. ‘Kick in the Door’ by The Notorious B.I.G. plays.

  STUDENTS. Fight fight fight fight!

  Everyone is fighting and running around. SUE is overwhelmed.

  SUE. Okay, everyone, that was a great lesson, sit yourselves back down – don’t forget your homework for next week!

  LOUISE enters.

  LOUISE. Everybody out!

  LOUISE opens the door for all the wild STUDENTS. They all run out. The music stops. The classroom is a mess. SUE starts clearing up.

  Sounded like an interesting lesson, Sue, through my wall.

  SUE. It was good. A couple of problematic Year 10s, but that’s to be expected.

  LOUISE. What are you trying to do, Sue?

  SUE. I just want to bring English to life – you know, make it exciting and memorable. Out with the textbooks! In with the interactive learning!

  LOUISE. It’s quite disruptive.

  SUE. No –

  LOUISE. It is. You’re too nice, Sue.

  SUE. No such thing as too nice.

  LOUISE. You need to learn to tell people off.

  SUE. It’s good to be kind. You can never have too much kindness.

  LOUISE. Mmm.

  SUE. Year 10s are at that age, they’ve had too much fizzy drink, they’re tired, they’ve been up late the night before, they’re hormonal. They’re just not focused.

  LOUISE. That shouldn’t come into it, Sue.

  SUE. I only ever went to school because of one teacher. She taught English and she had long black hair that she wore in a plait and she just really loved the subject and then I went to university to study it and now here I am. I have only got a bob – but you know what I mean.

  LOUISE. Right. See the thing is, Sue, your department is still at twenty-six per cent A to Cs at GCSE. It doesn’t matter how much fun they have or how inspired they are if they can’t sit an exam… And since when was King Arthur on the syllabus anyway? Look, if they don’t get the grades, they’re in trouble, we’re in trouble, and you’re in trouble.

  SUE. Am I one of the bad teachers?

  LOUISE. No… you just need to work on your discipline.

  A clatter from the corridor. BEN VARDY enters wearing a chicken head.

  BEN VARDY, TAKE THAT RIDICULOUS THING OFF YOUR HEAD AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. NOW!

  LOUISE leaves. TOBIAS enters and watches as SUE kills herself with a toy sword. EMILY enters.

  EMILY. Did I leave my bag in here, miss?

  SUE. No, Emily, I haven’t seen it.

  EMILY goes to leave.

  EMILY. Great lesson today, miss.

  EMILY leaves. SUE gathers her things and leaves.

  TOBIAS. I confiscated a Cheestring from a Year 7 student. Now I am going to eat it.

  TOBIAS peels off a string.

  I just love British cuisine.

  TOBIAS eats the Cheestring.

  Amazing. It really asks questions of the palate.

  TOBIAS checks his watch.

  Oh, eleven fifteen – break time!

  8.

  The staffroom.

  HUGH. Tea, anyone?

  LOUISE. Milk, one sugar.

  PAUL. Leave my teabag in.

  TIM. Tetley’s, please!

  SUE. Ooooh I would love a peppermint, Hugh.

  DONNA. Full-fat, five sugars.

  TOBIAS. May I have a cappuccino?

  They all look at TOBIAS. Sip.

  TIM. Is everyone up for the pub tonight, yeah?

  Everyone mumbles ‘probably not’, etc.

  Hugh?

  HUGH. Familial commitments.

  TIM. Louise?

  LOUISE. Step aerobics.

  TIM. Paul?

  PAUL. In your dreams, Pashers Nashers.

  TIM. Donna?

  DONNA. Who’s going?

  TIM. Sue’s going.

  SUE. I know I said I would, Tim, but I’m a bit busy.

  Everyone in their groups laugh. TIM feels alone. An electronic beep. TIM gets out his Tamagotchi and plays with it.

  PAUL. Louise, can I have a word?

  LOUISE. Yeah.

  PAUL. It’s about last night.

  LOUISE. What about last night?

  Flashback. Sound of TV report: ‘Portillo Michael Denzel Xavier, Conservative Party: 19,137; Twig Stephen, Labour Party: 20,000’ – the rest of the number is drowned out by cheers.

  PAUL/LOUISE. Yeeeees!

  PAUL and LOUISE lock eyes. Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’ plays. They kiss and shag up against a door.

  PAUL. Louise, I’ve wanted this for so long!

  LOUISE drags her hand down some perspex à la Titanic car-sex scene and then they snap back to the present.

  DONNA. What happened last night?

  LOUISE. Donna, reception.

  PAUL. I thought maybe we could go for round two.

  LOUISE. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

  PAUL. You know? When I was inside your vagina…

  LOUISE. SHUT UP.

  PAUL. I thought it was pretty special.

  LOUISE. No.

  PAUL. I could make you a curry –

  LOUISE. No.

  PAUL. Near… Far –

  LOUISE. Absolutely not.

  PAUL. When two become one –

  LOUISE. Never. It was the size of the majority, I got excited. It was a mistake.

  LOUISE shoots PAUL with an imaginary gun. She stands over him.

  Never talk to anyone about this ever again.

  HUGH. Sue, I know I said I’d put out the chairs, put up the bunting and sort out the refreshments for this assembly but I’m a little bit preoccupied with my certificates. You’ll have time to do that, won’t you?

  Countdown music plays.

  DONNA. Sue,
the people from Kamelot Kastles have arrived.

  SUE. Oh! Could you tell them to set it up on the field?

  DONNA. Sorry, Sue, I’ve got to be on reception.

  LOUISE. Excuse me, what is ‘Kamelot Kastles’?

  SUE. It’s not a real castle, Louise, it’s an inflatable.

  LOUISE. Why did you order an inflatable castle?

  SUE. I thought it would be a treat for the Year 11s.

  TIM. It can’t go on the field, we’ve got the bleep test there later.

  LOUISE. Who signed off on that?

  SUE. Oh, sugar. Paul, did you pick up the cucumber sandwiches?

  PAUL. Noooo.

  Countdown music ends.

  SUE. Oh, double sugar. I forgot the cakes! I must have left them in the car!

  SUE runs out.

  LOUISE. You cannot have a bouncy castle! They’re young adults, for goodness’ sake!

  TIM. You alright, mate?

  PAUL. Go away, Pashers Nashers.

  TIM. Cool, man, yeah.

  TIM plays with the Tamagotchi.

  PAUL. What’s that?

  TIM. A Tamagotchi.

  PAUL. A what?

  TIM. It’s a Tamagotchi, it’s a virtual pet, it’s Japanese.

  PAUL. Give it here.

  PAUL plays with the Tamagotchi.

  What’s that?

  TIM. You just fed it a hamburger.

  PAUL. What’s that?

  TIM. Oh, that’s an apple, good work, Paul.

  PAUL. What’s that?

  TIM. It’s done a poo, I’ll clear it up for you.

  PAUL. Technology today, eh?

  PAUL starts to walks off.

  TIM. Yeah, technology today, Paul, could I have that back please? Paul? Paul? Paul!

  LOUISE approaches HUGH.

  LOUISE. Hugh, I could do with a hand, they’re getting feral out there.

  HUGH. Ah, Louise, what’s another word for boisterous?

  LOUISE. Hugh, you’re not listening to me.

  HUGH. I’m trying to think of messages for Kerry Lovell, Jesse Meadows and Tom England here.

  LOUISE. Do you want to know what those students are doing right now?

  LOUISE opens the door. ‘Firestarter’ by The Prodigy plays and the TEACHERS are pushed back by the energy of it. The music stops as LOUISE shuts the door.

  Kerry Lovell has taken all the plants out of the library and put them inside the toilet bowls. Jesse Meadows has frozen into a human statue in the canteen and is refusing to unfreeze. And Tom England is hosting a jousting competition on the school field.

  The sound and light effect of a surge of water. A few seagulls. LOUISE and HUGH spin, suspended, as if underwater.

  TOBIAS. Um. Okay. I’m sensing a little tension here. A certain pressure.

  It seems to me that some of the teachers here are struggling to keep their heads above the water. Luckily for them, in the coming years an enormous amount of money will be poured into your education system. Teachers will ride the wave.

  Look at their eyes. They’re tired, but they’re hopeful for the future. Hang on, they’ll be round in a second… there, you see it? Tired but hopeful?

  Could you guys come in here too, please?

  SUE and TIM enter and start spinning. PAUL enters and stands in the corner.

  In twenty years’ time, perhaps a more appropriate metaphor would be that teachers will be swimming against the tide. Many will feel overwhelmed, their eyes will change somehow. How much is too much? Louise will become a headteacher, and along with three thousand other headteachers, will write a letter home to parents asking for donations: glue sticks, sellotape, soap, even toilet paper.

  Hey, Paul, why aren’t you spinning?

  PAUL. I’m busy.

  TOBIAS. Doing what?

  PAUL. Writing reports.

  EMILY enters bouncing a tennis ball.

  TOBIAS. Oh. Don’t let me keep you.

  PAUL. Emily is a consistently disruptive student. She has violent tendencies, poor manners, and rarely does her homework. Must. Try. Harder.

  The bell rings and everyone leaves except for TOBIAS and EMILY. The wave passes.

  9.

  A corridor. EMILY is bouncing her ball up against the wall.

  TOBIAS. What are you doing?

  EMILY. Leave me alone.

  TOBIAS. Why aren’t you in your lesson?

  EMILY. Who are you?

  TOBIAS. Tobias.

  EMILY. Are you the new German teaching assistant?

  TOBIAS. Yes.

  EMILY. Is your surname Hitler?

  TOBIAS. What, no, of course it’s not Hitler, that’s stupid. Is your surname Churchill?

  EMILY. No.

  TOBIAS. Is it Shakespeare?

  EMILY. No.

  TOBIAS. Do you like red telephone boxes?

  EMILY. No.

  TOBIAS. Do you like queueing?

  EMILY. No.

  TOBIAS. Well then.

  EMILY. Do you like Lederhosen?

  TOBIAS. No.

  EMILY. Do you like Volkswagens?

  TOBIAS. No.

  EMILY. Do you like Frankfurters?

  TOBIAS. Everybody likes Frankfurters.

  Pause.

  So how are you?

  EMILY. Crap.

  TOBIAS. Why?

  EMILY. It’s been a shit day.

  TOBIAS. Why?

  EMILY. McIntyre kicked me off the York trip. I did everything he asked and he still kicked me off it.

  TOBIAS. Why?

  EMILY. Oversubscribed. Behavioural issues.

  TOBIAS. Sounds reasonable.

  EMILY. It wasn’t reasonable! I actually tried this time. I’ve been looking forward to it for months.

  TOBIAS. I’m sorry to hear that, but shouldn’t you be in your lesson?

  EMILY. Turner sent me out again. If I don’t engage I get told off, if I engage too much I get told off.

  TOBIAS. May I make a suggestion?

  EMILY. No.

  EMILY throws her tennis ball at TOBIAS. He catches it and puts it inside his mug.

  TOBIAS. Okay I’m going to anyway. It’s clear that you’re angry and maybe people have told you for a long time that that’s a bad thing. Sometimes it is. I have heard of you. Didn’t you burn Sarah Kendall’s eyebrows off?

  EMILY. She deserved it.

  TOBIAS. Why?

  EMILY. She pinned me down, shoved a tenner in my mouth and told me to buy myself some new fucking trainers for once.

  TOBIAS. Wow.

  Pause.

  Maybe there is a different way for you to express your anger. Something more dignified, but maybe more powerful. I don’t know. When I’m angry, I try to stop moaning and just do something.

  EMILY walks away. A wave. She spins, suspended. TOBIAS turns to audience.

  Perhaps Emily is also drowning somehow. What is it Paul said? She’s violent, disruptive, must try harder. She is certainly rude. Immature. Perhaps somewhat of an A-hole. But must try harder? No. I don’t think this.

  EMILY leaves.

  What Paul doesn’t know is that right now Emily is organising a petition. She already has fourteen signatures. Not bad.

  Oooh, hey – (Insert operator’s name.) Can you play that song that I like? The one with the strings? And all the feelings?

  ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ by The Verve starts playing.

  It’s so wonderful, thank you so much.

  In the prospectus for Wordsworth Comprehensive, the school is described as a ‘happy, thriving environment for inquisitive minds’, but right now Year 7s are being gassed out of their classroom by stink bombs, flaming bins are flying down the science corridor, and a live chicken is roosting underneath the Goosebump novels in the library. The belly of the school is rumbling.

  10.

  Montage scene.

  HUGH’s classroom. He is teaching a lesson on Mount Vesuvius. ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ continues to play.

  HUGH. The Earth’s crust on which you stand i
s fragile. Molten hot magma emanating from the core of the planet is creeping through the cracks in the mantel. Tectonic plates are aching and shifting.

  EMILY stands on top of a table in another part of the school.

  EMILY. Mr McIntyre has always had it in for me, that’s why he kicked me off the history trip. If you’ve had enough of the injustices that these teachers inflict upon us, then sign my petition. I need your names!

  A group of STUDENTS behave wildly. LOUISE enters, shooting imaginary guns into the air.

  SUE enters and is wrapped up in bunting by the wild STUDENTS.

  HUGH’s classroom.

  HUGH. Vesuvius, like a towering giant, expands and contracts. Fit to burst and, sure enough, later that day it does.

  The tables and chairs fly into the air.

  Volcanic ash, at first, falls like fiery snow. You are quite sure it is the end of the world. Above you ash, beneath you magma. On all sides, a suffocating heat.

  EMILY on the table.

  EMILY. We are standing up for our student rights. This school is trying to stop us, trying to pen us in – telling us to follow the rules but we will not. We will challenge and we will argue. No, we will not shut up and listen. We will be heard. We will not be silenced!

  LOUISE. Emily Greenslade! You get down from that table right now.

  EMILY runs away and LOUISE chases her out.

  Some STUDENTS enter and start doing a mad, fast version of the Macarena as SUE puts up bunting in the corridor.

  SUE. Put that down please! I can’t answer that question, I’m a little busy right now. Get off that table!!

  The STUDENTS continue to do the Macarena. LOUISE enters.

  LOUISE. Hey! Where’s your teacher?

  The STUDENTS run away.

  EMILY runs in. SUE is trying to maintain control. The STUDENTS are rotating around them in slow-motion madness. LOUISE has gone full Matrix around them.

  EMILY. Listen up, Wordsworth Comp!

  SUE. Please don’t pop the balloons, they’re for the assembly –

  EMILY. I demand to be on that bus, at 8 a.m., on Monday morning!

  SUE. We need fifty more fold-out chairs, stop throwing them –

  EMILY. Thank you for your names, your support, your action.

  SUE. There won’t be enough for the governors. And stop eating the biscuits!

  EMILY. We need to make our voices heard.

  SUE. Stay still! Sit down! Be quiet! Please!

  EMILY. Justice!

  SUE. Quiet now, listen to me!

  LOUISE. That’s enough!

  Everyone leaves except SUE and LOUISE. ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ stops playing.