The Blake Soul

by I C Camilleri

  “There will not be any bitter consequences, I will never hurt you, I promise.”

  “The other half of me, my common sense, is warning me to stay away. Josh, you might feel differently about me when I’m not near you...out of sight, out of mind....”

  “Or absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

  “Josh, I have to go and sort out my feelings. These two weeks have been the best in my life but I need to go back home and think about what I want out of my life and I can’t do that with you around, you distract my thoughts. Besides, I owe it to Rob to break up decently and gently. He will be very hurt to know that I have moved on so quickly and that he is so easily replaced.”

  “You don’t owe him anything,” Josh replied jealously.

  “I do. Despite what he did recently, he had always been there for me in the past when I was passing through difficult exam times and I suppose I did love him once.”

  “Now I wish that I was dying of whatever you thought I had. You would have stayed a little bit longer.” He hung his head down in disappointment.

  She smiled and kissed his pouting lips, “Right now my reckless half is telling me to continue doing what I was doing before we were so rudely interrupted by Freddie and those highly irritating stunning girls. At least the gorgeous Tanya will not have you tonight. She might have you on some other day, but tonight you are mine.” She pushed him flat on the bed, laughing. He grabbed her round her waist and rolled over her, kissing her wildly, that romantic dinner will have to wait for now.

  The Tall Dark-Haired Man

  He was devastated. The familiar wounds had reopened and they were bleeding profusely into the very capsule surrounding his heart, choking him, suffocating him. He had been forced to revisit his childhood. He thought of that young boy patiently listening to his mother as she drummed in his head the fact that he was unwanted, unloved and unworthy. He thought of that young boy as he waited patiently for that scrap of leftover affection after others had had their fill, and he was grateful for that tiny morsel of kindness.

  He was sitting, leaning forward, grasping his head between his hands. And he wept. He wept for that little boy.

  Then Maria came to him and hugged him close to her, and all his pain vanished. His choking heart felt that spark of life again. What had he done to deserve her? Thank God he had her in his life.

  The tall dark-haired man smiled as he watched the loving couple, he was happy...very happy....

  Josh was on a transatlantic flight to England. He had passed his two-week test with flying colours, like he knew he would, but Maria still didn’t know that. And throughout those two long lonely weeks the dreams kept badgering him relentlessly. They varied, sometimes they were good and at other times they were simply heartbreaking. Was that his life? They came in short snippets and he did not know in which order they occurred, sometimes he saw an older Maria and the ages of his children also varied. But what he did know was that the dreams were more intense and vivid whenever they were apart. It was as if the gods, or rather the tall dark-haired man was reminding him of his true place in life.

  The day he took her to the airport was his worst day ever; he felt desperately hollow inside as he said his goodbyes. He feared that once she returned to her way of life, she would find it easier to go back to her original plans than to take a big gamble on him. He wondered if Rob would be waiting for her at the other end and if she would run into his arms as soon as she left the plane. Will Rob be able to give her a better life than him? In that case should he just give up the fight? But he didn’t want to...and neither did the tall dark-haired man, his crazy subconscious.

  The dreams got so scary during that first night apart that he decided to hire a private detective to follow her around for two weeks until he saw her again. He also commissioned the setting up of a secret surveillance camera inside her living room. That way he would be able to see her whenever he wanted to. He knew that this wasn’t right and that she would probably, and rightfully so, call him an obsessive psychopath and kick him straight out of her life if she ever found out. But his intentions were good; he only wanted to keep her safe.

  During one of his spying sessions he heard her talking to her brother on the phone, “...Oh, so it was dad who encouraged you to send him a copy of your book. I didn’t know that......Oh yes, he read it and he really liked it too, but his agent wants him to take the safer option......I’m sorry but I don’t think I’ll ever see him again otherwise I would have put in a word or two on your behalf.” So she still didn’t believe in him. He phoned his agent that very second. A few days later he had the satisfaction of seeing her gasp in disbelief when her brother phoned back telling her all about the upcoming movie. Afterwards she cried herself to sleep, all the time fingering the bracelet he had given her.

  She also took his advice and read all the gossip magazines, thanks to her annoying friend Anna who seemed to be the number one campaigner for Rob who in his turn was still under the impression that the wedding was still on.

  “You will just be going from the frying pan into the fire. At least Rob had just one affair, but look at Josh....” Anna said as she showed her all the gruesome articles and pictures she could find. “He is arrogant and full of himself and no one is good enough for him. He will just sleep with you and break your heart.”

  “He is really nothing like that. He was very honest, transparent and considerate, and he never slept with me. Gosh I feel so stupid, my mind used to completely blank out whenever he looked at me and I practically begged him to go the whole way, but he was this perfect gentleman. We did intimate stuff together but never the final thing. At a certain point he would remember something and abruptly stop. There was something holding him back, just as there was something holding me back with Rob. Perhaps he didn’t want me to contaminate his perfect list of stunning girls he had slept with. I always concluded that he did not like me that much, but then he would bizarrely propose. If I had said yes, he would have married me there and then without any hesitation.”

  “Don’t be naive, if you had said yes he would have sprinted away. He was just playing with your head. You cannot possibly trust a guy like him,” the devil’s advocate insisted.

  “Why are you so worried about all this? I will probably never see him again, except on TV. We come from two completely different planets and I don’t see how this could possibly work. They were just two magical weeks, and now that we are back to reality everything will go back to how it should be. So I do not need to see more articles saying how mean and disgusting he really is. I’ll be fine in a couple of days.” But Josh could read through her pretence, she was not fine with knowing all the details and she cried when her friend left her apartment.

  Anna also insisted on taking her to see his new movie. She must have hated seeing him with Tanya, but it was only acting and he hoped that she would see past that. Despite Anna’s best efforts, Maria cancelled all her wedding plans, which was good for Josh, but that didn’t mean that she was willing to forget his past. At least she still wore his bracelet. Josh knew that she was passing through a difficult time, he often saw her crying. He didn’t know why she cried, it could have been because of Rob or because of him, or both.

  He finally parked his car in front of her apartment. It was still three o’clock in the afternoon. She was usually home by five and he settled down in the car, reading a book. By six she had still not materialized and a few neighbours were giving him strange stares, so rather than risk causing an unnecessary pandemonium, he decided to walk to the hospital which was only five minutes away. He asked the receptionist and she gave him directions to her ward but not before he signed an autograph, he will not get his peaceful anonymity in England either.

  He recognised the ward sister to be the highly irritating Anna. She gave him a thunderous look but she was courteous enough to tell him to wait by the side. Maria eventually emerged from a side room and approached her friend, unaware of his presence.

  “Gosh it’s so busy toda
y. I’ve seen Mr. Todd and I have changed his medications. I’ll see Mr. Smith next. I had to have a chat with his wife. Has she arrived yet?”

  “No, but your American friend has,” she told her with a degree of irritation as she nodded towards Josh. Maria spun round and her face burned bright red as Josh smiled and waved. She stood there, rooted to the ground, and after what seemed like an eternity she turned to Anna and told her that she would be in her office. Josh followed silently. On her way out of the ward she met the elderly Mrs. Smith.

  “I’ll come and see Mr. Smith in a second after I’ve seen...another patient. Don’t worry, the results of the biopsy are very encouraging but I’ll explain everything to you both later,” Maria said as she smiled reassuringly and patted the older woman’s shoulder.

  “Oh bless you my dear, thank you, I have been so worried. Take your time, dear, I’ll be near my husband whenever you are ready,” Mrs. Smith replied, giving Josh a hard stare whilst kissing Maria’s hands in gratitude.

  So she had this effect on English patients too, Josh thought as he noticed how easily people warmed up to her gentle words and gestures. “So, I’m your patient now, I like that. What do you want me to do, lie on the couch?” He laughed as she closed her office door. Then he saw her grave face. “I’ve kept my promise and here I am.”

  “You’ve chosen my brother’s book,” she accused. “Why....”

  “No, no, there’s no pressure on you. I’ve already signed and sent the contract, so if you decide to kick me out I cannot back out of it now. Besides, I told you that I liked the book before you said it was your brother’s.”

  She seemed lost for words, confused and about to burst into tears.

  “Maria, I’ve missed you so much that it hurt like hell. Time seemed to crawl by these past two weeks. If you’ve missed me half as much then you should give it a go. I am assuming that the wedding is off because you are still wearing my bracelet; otherwise you would have binned it. You did not expect me to come today so I am also assuming that you have looked up all the trashy gossip. A leopard can change its spots. Give me a chance to prove that. Follow your heart and not your mind.”

  She just stood there, torn in two, with tears rushing down her cheeks. He shrugged, turned round and opened the door.

  “Wait...” She wiped her tears and looked up at him, “I still have another patient to see and it might take some time, so if you do not mind waiting here we can discuss this later at home; just talking, no promises. I’m sorry but I only have medical books in my office. You might want something else to read in the meantime. There’s a bookshop....”

  He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the door, exhaling slowly, “I don’t mind waiting and medical books would be fine.”

  After she left he looked around the office and saw a bunch of red roses vandalized in the wastepaper basket. He fished out a forgive-me note from Rob and he was glad he had not sent any flowers. He then took one of her books, sat down on her leather office chair and started reading about the cardiovascular system. He was not really interested in medicine but he had to keep his mind occupied. She came back after an hour and she laughed heartily when she saw what he was reading. Her previous suspicious and defensive attitude seemed to have evaporated in just one hour.

  “Right, let’s see what you remember, what is the treatment of angina?”

  He regurgitated everything word perfect.

  “Gosh, you would have made a brilliant doctor too,” she said with admiration as she came round to his side and leaned on the edge of the desk.

  “It’s only reciting facts. It’s a different story when you have to act on that information. Besides, I can tell you that I’m not so good with seeing blood and gruesome things. I was never much of a science person.” He took her hand and played with her bracelet, turning it round and round. He looked at her dazed, admiring face. It was now or never. He pulled her onto his lap and kissed her. She responded passionately without any hesitation and he could feel her heart hammering inside her chest as she clung to his neck. OK, so far so good, thought Josh. There was no doubt in his head that the physical attraction was still there, and it was even severely clouding her better judgement.

  “Do I turn you on with this memory thing, and in that case can I borrow the book as I might desperately need it tonight? I can learn it off by heart if that is what it takes for you to speak to me.”

  “Be my guest. Come on, let’s get out of here, you have a lot of reading to do. The more you remember the greater will be your reward.” She smiled as she stood up and created some decent space between them. “OK, so what are your plans?”

  “This coming Sunday should have been your big wedding day, right? I assume that you would have gone on a honeymoon and that you are off work for at least the coming two weeks. I thought that instead we could go to Europe. I have agreed to have a chat with your brother sometime in the next two weeks, so we might see this Kemmuna Island you so highly recommended. Then we will take it from there. I have to go back to the States after three weeks for my next film. Promise, I will wriggle out of any dirty love scenes this time. Of course, if you don’t want to come with me I will still go to Kemmuna to meet your brother, so don’t feel pressured in any way.”

  “You do have it all planned out! Well, I’ll think about it on our way home.” She wasn’t giving any promises but she was definitely mellowing down.

  The door flew wide open and an angry Rob stormed in, he might have been angrier if he had come in a few minutes earlier and had seen them kissing.

  “Anna told me about your American guest. You can’t forgive me for one tiny mistake and yet you close your eyes to his million blunders. Don’t be stupid, you don’t know what you are getting yourself into. I promised your dad that I’ll take care of you and I want to keep that promise. Your father won’t approve of him.”

  “He won’t approve of you either, so you can stop your emotional blackmail. What you did was beyond despicable. You could have slept with anyone off the street, but no, you chose my friend. Do you honestly think that I can still marry you after that?” She stopped, suddenly softening her tone and her blazing brown eyes. She was changing tactics.

  “Listen Rob, we’ve been having this discussion for more than two weeks now, and nothing will ever change my mind. I don’t ever want to get married, not to you nor to anyone else. It’s too big a step. And I haven’t replaced you with anyone else either. Josh is just a good friend, there is nothing going on between us.” She paused, allowing her soft words to sink in. “I know that we were in love once and I will remember that time with deep tenderness. You were my first love and Italians say “Il primo amore non si scorda mai,” ...you can never forget your first love. But Rob, if you look deep inside you, you’ll know that you never really loved me. If you did, you would have waited for me. You will be able to move on. I’m positive about that.” She had tried to sweeten the blow. She patted him on his arm in a friendly way and hastily left the room before he could come up with any counterarguments. Josh quickly followed.

  “I really don’t like being called just a good friend. Is that all I am to you?” Josh finally broke the silence as they walked the short distance to her apartment.

  “Don’t push your luck. I have to be honest with you; I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. At least I am inviting you back to my apartment to discuss things. But no, I don’t think you are just a good friend, I am not in the habit of kissing my friends that way. That was just a white lie to get him off my back.”

  “That’s fine. At least I am a tiny bit more than a friend.”

  She paused in front of her door, deep in thought. “Josh, why did you come? Why are you being so nice to me whereas you are so mean and vicious to other women? And why me?”

  “Well, there is a very long list of reasons, but here it goes. I think that you are unbelievably beautiful. Yes, there are many others who are just as beautiful, but in my eyes they do not even have one-tenth of your charm. But the p
hysical attraction is nothing compared to my other feelings. You see, beauty is not very high on my list of priorities, because anyone can have that and looks will eventually fade away with time. I think that other factors are more important. We can really talk and laugh together, laughter that is not just superficial, but coming from deep within my heart. I feel happy when I am with you, and miserable and anxious when we are not together. I am insanely jealous of anyone who looks at you, especially Rob. Moreover I have this weird feeling that we belong together. I really don’t want to go back to my previous empty existence now that I have found you.”

  She must have liked what he said because she nodded and opened the door to her apartment. They were barely past the threshold when they fell comfortably in each other’s arms, kissing. Josh was only half aware of his surroundings, but as his eyes swept the hallway he stopped dead as if hit by lightning. There on the hallway table was a photo of the tall dark-haired man. “Who is he?”

  “He’s my dad. Are you all right, you’ve turned very pale.”

  Of course he would turn pale. He was seeing a dead man in his dreams. He felt faint and his heart was beating at a dangerously fast rate. He leaned his back against the wall. Maria took his shaking hand and dragged him inside the living room before he passed out in the hallway. He quickly loosened his tie before slumping down on the sofa. She fussed over him. In normal circumstances he would have relished this attention but now all he wanted was to be left alone to think. There must be a perfectly logical explanation. He assured her that he was fine and it was only a case of jet lag and exhaustion. She gave him a glass of water and left to take a quick shower.