The Blake Soul

by I C Camilleri

  “That smells really good.”

  “Well, as you can see I have to cook, I am not so pampered here,” she smiled.

  “I can try to cook next time, if you would dare to try me out.” He cleared his throat. “Maria, do you want a next time?” he finally asked.

  She seemed to hesitate and then said slowly, “When do we set off for Europe?”

  His face lit up. He crossed the room and hugged her close to him, she had said yes and he had not used his physical charms this time. “Thank you Maria.”

  Plan B

  She smiled at him and exited the room. Josh quickly knelt beside her suitcase. He opened it and found her small brown leather bag. He seemed to hesitate. He didn’t want to manipulate her and strip her out of her own free will, but he had no choice, she was being so stubborn. He shrugged and opened the small brown bag.

  The tall dark-haired man nodded and smiled, this was devious and deceitful, but it was the only way...

  …..The years rolled by and she was pregnant with his fourth child. She was as beautiful as ever, the tight dress she had managed to squeeze herself into accentuated her curves and her swollen pregnant breasts heaved up and down as she fumed away, her anger and pain palpable. She paced restlessly around the room.

  “Why do you have to work with her? Oh yes I forgot, you have no choice, you have slept with all of them, so if it’s not one it’s another. Josh, I hate you and your filthy past and a thousand years of marriage will never erase the frustration I feel. I should never have married you. But then again you manipulated me into that too.”

  “Maria, that is not fair. I have been faithful to you from day one and the life I had before I knew you is all gone. It is the present that matters. And my present is clean...but yours isn’t. You are constantly flirting away with Freddie in his crummy lab. What are you trying to do? Maria, please don’t pay me back with Freddie. Your place is here with me and your other three children.”

  She threw a cushion at his face and headed straight for the door. “You have no right to tell me where my place is. I’m late for Freddie’s Christmas party and you are going to stay here babysitting your own children while I dance the night away with whoever wishes to dance with a four-month pregnant woman. I’m sure that your sex driven cousin will happily oblige.” She went out, slamming the door…

  Josh opened his eyes. He hated dreams like these, but he guessed that arguments were inevitable in any happy marriage...if there would ever be a marriage. A year had passed since that day he had first set eyes on Maria and he was still proposing and she, still refusing. However, he could not complain because other than that they connected on every other level and their relationship was growing stronger with every second that passed. Josh recalled with tenderness their European trip a year ago...

  They drove on to Paris that very same day. That was their first stop, the city of love, and it certainly lived up to its name. They spent four magical days there before setting off for the Swiss Alps and then down to Venice, Rome and Pompeii. Pompeii was her favourite and Josh was pleased to see her so happy and enthusiastic as they explored the ancient Roman ruins. He memorised the site map and history facts and he gave her a flawless tour of the place. As always she was impressed with that photographic memory, saying that he was the best tour guide she had ever met, and the best looking too. She never spared a thought for her missed wedding; as far as she was concerned she had definitely made the right decision and she had no regrets.

  Their final destination was Malta. The Maltese archipelago, the jewel of the Mediterranean Sea, boasted of a rich history as well as beautiful blue sea, sky and scorching sun. They roamed about the prehistoric Neolithic temples predating the pyramids of Giza and Josh found them to be exquisitely unique and compact just like the island itself. Kemmuna, one of the smaller islands in the Maltese archipelago, was indeed a perfect paradise. He recognised the place as the island he had seen in one of his ‘good’ dreams.

  Kemmuna was welcoming, unlike her brother’s opening words, “If you ever hurt my baby sister you will have to answer to me. I don’t care about the sales you are about to generate for my book. My sister’s happiness is the most important thing to me. So you had better shed your old habits fast.” Then the huge cuddly bear laughed warmly and welcomed them all in his home and heart. Josh liked him immensely despite his initial threat. He was very easygoing and friendly just as he remembered him in his five-year-old mind. The very thought of him turning Josh into mincemeat was hilarious. They would spend hours discussing issues in his book and also millions of other things. Josh knew that the feeling of warmth and respect was mutual and Max seemed to enjoy their conversations as much as he did. Maria was pleased with this because apparently her brother had had plenty of clashes with the pompous Rob.

  So Josh seemed to have clicked with all members of the Conti family including their late father who still visited him in his dreams, showing his weird approval for the possible union between the licentious wild actor and his daughter. “Don’t try to convince me,” Josh would often say out loud after one of his dreams, “I know what I want. It is your hard-headed daughter who needs convincing.” Then he would laugh out loud at his own madness.

  Her other relatives all flocked to greet them from Sicily. They eagerly sailed the sixty miles to Kemmuna to meet the A list celebrity who was in love with a member of their family. Aunts, cousins, second cousins, they all came, the entire Conti clan. The strong family bond in the Mediterranean was something he had never ever seen before. There were plenty of hugs, kisses and flamboyant gesticulations accompanying the cheerful and energetic conversations. They spoke perfect English but they would often converse in Italian in his presence. He did not understand what they were saying but he knew that he was the main topic of their conversation and they even had the gall to stare straight at him and laugh. And Maria seemed to encourage such behaviour.

  “Can you please tell your cousins to stop speaking in Italian when I am there? What were they saying about me and why were you laughing your head off?” he asked, annoyed.

  “It’s just a bit of fun. But you will be pleased to know that you’ve got a ten out of ten for your...err... cute bottom. Perhaps you should start learning Italian if you would like to know the rest of your scores.” Maria smiled as she started to kiss him.

  “Oh, so that was what you and your dirty Italian cousins were sniggering about. No wonder your brother just rolled up his eyes and roared with laughter. Oh well, I don’t really mind as long as I got an A star in your set of scores,” he laughed, soon forgetting his previous irritation.

  He nonetheless tried to ignore them and often went off to play with Max’s two kids, who thought the world of him. He constantly entertained them with fantasy stories and they would spend hours watching him act out silly parts. They would climb on his lap and beg for a performance.

  “You’re good with children,” Maria said as they swam in the crystal blue sea.

  “I want four of my own.” He drew her closer and whispered seductively in her ear, “And I’ve chosen you to be their mother.” He looked out at the horizon, seeking encouragement from the deep blue sky and he asked her to marry him yet again, but as expected, she refused. He had hoped that the magic of the island would soften her heart. But she always needed more time.

  You see, Josh sent out a thought to her dead father, I am doing my best, but she keeps refusing. But perhaps she was right, it was way too early, it was just that the dreams were so persistent.

  Those two weeks raced by and they returned to their life, she to the UK and he to the States. Josh spent that whole year crossing the Atlantic Ocean to and fro whenever he could. But the constant travelling coupled with the incessant dreams were wearing him out. But today he would try to take care of that. He had everything planned out and he will make the offer as tempting as he possibly could. He looked at the ring on the bedside table and wondered what she would say. She will probably ask for more time, but he had to try. He got
out of bed; he had a long day ahead of him.

  ****

  He could hardly wait for her to open the door and he nervously touched the box in his jacket pocket. “I’ve missed you,” he told her. He lifted her up and swung her round. The world around them faded away as they moved slowly into the lounge, tight in each other’s arms, kissing and hugging. She slipped his jacket off his shoulders and started unbuttoning his shirt. He likewise began to strip the few clothes she had.

  When they came dangerously close, Josh reluctantly stepped away and went into the bathroom. He was still persisting with that insane carnal fasting and he had just about reached his limit. He splashed cold water over his face and stared at the mirror. He wished that her love was deep enough to go past his attractive physique. If it did she would have forgiven his past and accepted his proposal by now. But that forgiveness would probably never come, he had dreamt about it that very morning; his immoral past will repeatedly haunt him.

  But perhaps a proper romantic proposal with an exquisite ring in idyllic surroundings would somehow touch her heart. He had everything planned for that evening.

  He went out of the bathroom, still drying his face with a towel, and he saw her sitting on the floor with the unopened box in her hand. It must have fallen out of his jacket pocket. She looked at him. He knew the answer to his unasked question. He flung the towel away in anger, feeling as though his heart had just been dipped in acid.

  “Damn it, Maria, why are you doing this to me...to us? Can’t you see that it’s tearing me apart every time I leave you behind? Haven’t I suffered enough, haven’t I done enough to prove to you how much you mean to me? I can’t keep going across the Atlantic to and fro forever.”

  “I want things to stay the way they are, the word marriage can mess with your head. Look at Rob, the word marriage just freaked him out and sent him running into someone else’s bed. I’m sorry, I will not marry you but I do love you.” And she moved closer to him but he pushed her back, took the box out of her hands and flung it across the room.

  “Obviously you don’t love me enough to forgive my past.”

  “You had no problem with sleeping with thousands of women and now you are going all noble with me. We don’t need to get married to go the whole way. I’m not stopping you. You are the one who is insisting on this.”

  “Do you really think that I want to marry you just to have sex? I want to be with you for something that is beyond physical. I want to start a family with you, I want your kids. I am ready to commit but you aren’t. It pains me to say that you feel nothing more than physical attraction for me and it had always been like that for you from the very start. You are no better than the other women I slept with in the past.” He passed his fingers through his hair, wishing that he could tear his face apart. “Maria, you had no problem accepting Rob’s proposal but you will not even consider mine. And do you know why? Because you can never love me for what is deep inside me, the way you loved Rob... But perhaps you are right, I’m not worth loving.” His childhood insecurities came hurtling down on him, he was unloved, unwanted and unworthy, he had been rejected all his life and this was nothing new. Even his own mother hated him.

  He stormed out to the kitchen and Maria could hear him banging on the cupboard doors as he rummaged around for some tea. She stayed rooted to the spot. She knew that he was wrong. She loved him, and not only for his perfect face and physique. But she didn’t trust him. If Rob could have betrayed her, what chances could there be for Josh? She had to keep him trailing along, begging, never giving him the one thing he wanted, marriage.

  She walked slowly into the kitchen. He was leaning against the cupboards, his head down, his jaw clamped hard and his hands in fists. He was in agony but he managed a final plea, “Maria please, don’t do this to us, trust me.”

  “I will never marry you, Josh. If I do, you’ll stop loving me the way you do now. You were never the marriage type and you will eventually get bored and go back to your old ways. That would break my heart. I can’t trust you. Perhaps I need more time.”

  “You keep asking for more time. OK, I’ll give you more time. At least say you’ll come with me to the Oscar ceremony in two weeks’ time, I have been nominated. You can come as my new fiancée rather than my wife. I want to make this official.”

  “Gosh that’s brilliant, wow you’ve already won two Oscars and you’re nominated again. No one stands a chance with you around.”

  “So will you come?”

  “I’m sorry Josh. I don’t really fit in your world.”

  “You can’t say no to both things I have asked of you today. I come to your staff parties and endure the stiff smiles and Rob’s outright fawning; we are going to one this afternoon if I may remind you. I endure it for you, why shouldn’t you do it for me.” He studied her face and saw that she would not move an inch. “Fine, if you won’t come with me then I won’t go at all. Anyway, who cares about the Oscars? From now on I will not go to any public ceremony unless you’re by my side.”

  Her protests turned into a heated argument and they were still in this bitter state of war when they arrived at the staff party some five hours later. They moved to opposite sides of the room. Their hurt was evident to everyone present and the vultures started moving in, taking advantage of the fact that, for the first time, they were not joined together at the hip. Rob was the first to swoop down.

  Josh went up the stairs and leaned over the railing, wanting to be left alone, but that was not to be. He was quickly joined by the irritating Anna. Josh gave her a cold stare and waited for her to express her delight at his misery.

  “So, you’ve had a big argument, eh,” she said gently.

  “Is it that obvious?” he said with sarcasm as he twirled the ice in his glass and looked murderously at Rob who was sliding his hands along Maria’s back, obviously complimenting her on her tight-fitting black silk dress. He had to admit, she did look wonderful that night.

  “She doesn’t love him you know,” she said as she followed his gaze.

  “Why are you here? I thought you disapproved of me, you should be down there celebrating with Rob.” He eyed her suspiciously.

  “I did disapprove at first, but I shouldn’t have judged the book by its cover. I know that you truly want the best for her and you make her happy. Anyone who does that is my friend. She helped me through a rough time in the past. My husband died when I was pregnant with my third child. He never saw our little boy. I was a total wreck but Maria helped me see that light at the end of the dark tunnel...as I’m sure she did to you. Now I want to help her. Give her time; I know that she is madly in love with you.”

  “She is managing to hide that fact very well,” Josh snorted.

  At that moment Anna was elbowed out by three girls who were eager to grab his attention. He listened to their constant chatter, bored stiff, all his attention glued to the fawning Rob. He caught Maria’s eye and decided to give her a dose of her own medicine, so he turned on his acting mode and leaned over the girl closest to him.

  “Blue really matches your eyes and makes your skin glow,” and he lightly touched her face. He never saw the girl’s dazed reaction because he was busy looking at Maria who was pushing her way through the crowd, desperately wanting to leave the room before anyone saw her tears.

  “Sh... “ Josh swore silently as he ran down the stairs after her. He saw her going down to the car park and he called her, “That was a very stupid thing for me to do. I only did it for your benefit, to perhaps instil in you a tiny amount of jealousy. Please forgive me. I don’t want you to cry.” He looked pleadingly at her, clasping his hands together, begging for forgiveness.

  “That hurt you know,” and she turned to go but he caught her arm and pulled her back.

  “Don’t leave, I’ll go, this is your party. Rob will be more than happy to give you a lift home. We don’t want the same thing out of this relationship, so I might as well pack and leave. Goodbye Maria.” He closed his eyes tight in pain as he ki
ssed her on her forehead.

  “No Josh, I don’t want you to go. Perhaps you are right; I should come to the Oscar ceremony. And…this proposal,” she sighed. “If you could just give me some more time, perhaps six months, till I sort out the research project I’m on. I can’t be distracted by anything else at the moment. I need six months. Then we will talk again.”

  He looked down, it was not exactly what he wanted, there were no promises for what would happen after six months, just talking, but it was a compromise. And anyway, leaving was just an empty threat. He was never going to leave her because he would always go grovelling back to her terms and conditions in the end. He will always accept any small scrap of affection she wished to hand out to him, even if it were just physical lust.

  He wound his arms around her shoulders and he was immediately transported to a crowded school hall….

  …His shoulder was rubbing against hers as they sat listening to the headmistress’ long dreary speech. She finally called out the first name on her list.

  “Ben Blake...for his outstanding achievements in...”

  His face lit up with pride as his son went up onto the school stage, gathering his outstanding rewards which ranged all across different subjects. Josh clapped loudly as he leaned over his wife and looked into her eyes. The love between them was electric. They were both so happy that they could share their gifted son...

  He came back to the parking area. It was obvious now; he had to be ruthless and manipulative. He had to execute plan B. “Let’s get out of here,” he said as he led her to his car. He drove on in silence and after some time Maria noticed that they were heading in the wrong direction.

  “Where are we going?”

  “You’ll see,” and he continued to drive towards the tranquil countryside. Eventually he turned off the road and went through an archway. The tall black gates stood wide open, waiting for their arrival. He continued cruising down a long driveway which was flanked on either side by tall ancient oak trees. This finally led to a quaint fairytale cottage bang in the middle of a private forest. The air was still and silent, pierced only by the chirping birds in the trees and the gentle flow of water down the nearby stream.