The Blake Soul

by I C Camilleri

  Josh clenched his fist. How could she be so naive? How could she possibly think that Freddie was doing this out of the goodness of his heart, just to make her feel better?

  Maria answered the knock on the door. Anna entered the living room, holding her sleepy three-year-old in her arms. She had turned up within two minutes, leaving her two older kids at home unattended. She had hardly paused to wear a jacket over her nightwear. Thank God for Anna.

  Freddie smiled lazily at the two women. He seemed unruffled by his state of semi-nudity and had not bothered covering himself up before the newcomer entered the room. He just sat back, his legs apart, enjoying their mute admiration. Then he calmly stood and zipped up his trousers. He passed his fingers through the gorgeous fair hair Maria had just dishevelled, and adjusted his expensive silk tie. He picked up the torn lacy underwear and pressed it against his nose before placing it in Maria’s hand, making sure that Anna knew exactly what it was. He then flashed a wide grin, gave Maria one last dirty kiss as he boldly fondled her swollen pregnant breasts, and left.

  Anna stared after him. “Gosh, he’s the answer to every woman’s prayers. Did you see the size of his thing...and his sculptured backside? One of Michelangelo’s divine creations. Who is he?”

  “He’s Josh’s cousin.”

  “Oh, that figures. It’s in their genes. He’s just as heavenly perfect and chiselled, only with different colouring.” She stared dreamily at the closed door but then turned suddenly, frowning at the underwear in her friend’s hand. “Maria, what the hell are you doing? Are you nuts? You can choose to get involved with anyone on this planet BUT NOT HIS COUSIN. That would massacre his very soul.”

  “Nothing happened. Freddie is just one of those womanisers who has an endless list of gorgeous breathtaking models falling at his feet. He religiously believes that sex is the answer to all your problems. He saw that I was starving for some affection and he generously tried his doctrine on me. It almost worked...except that he is not Josh.” She sat down on her sofa, covered her face with her hands and wept.

  Anna put her sleeping son on the sofa and pushed the phone in her friend’s hand. “Maria, call him. Meet him halfway. He is shattered. Believe me; I can feel his pain every time he calls and asks about you. If you really love him, forgive him.”

  “I can’t forgive him...or his filthy past. I will never call him.”

  Anna sat back on the sofa, saying nothing. She wondered how Josh had sensed Maria’s impending danger. She seemed to have called in the nick of time preventing an irreparable disaster. She looked around the room. Was he watching and listening to everything? She didn’t approve of his dirty tactics but she said nothing.

  Josh switched off his computer. He had a long flight ahead.

  ****

  She was sleeping soundly. Her phone rang. She peered at her watch. Who could be phoning her at six in the morning on a Saturday? She flicked her hair out of her eyes and grabbed the phone.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi, it’s me, please don’t hang up.” Josh prayed that she would hear him out. “I’m in England. Can we meet?”

  There was a long pause and Josh thought that she had hung up but then, “OK, when?”

  “Emm...now. I’m just outside your door.” And Josh went out of the car. “Please, it’s been a long flight, it’s been snowing heavily. It’s cold and I’m freezing.”

  “I’m really big and fat. I’m still in bed and I look a mess.”

  “I don’t care; I’m not going away. I’ll freeze outside your house if I have to. So please open the door..........open the door please.” He heard her jump out of bed and fling the phone on her bedside table. He could clearly make out the sounds of frantic rummaging through a wardrobe. She hadn’t hung up yet. The minutes ticked by and the door eventually opened. He put the phone in his pocket and stepped inside. He took one look at her and closed his eyes in relief.

  “Oh God.... I’ve really missed you,” he said. It was a heartfelt statement coming from the depths of his soul.

  She heard the sincere pain in his voice and she slowly looked up, “I thought that I will never see you again, you must have found someone else.” She searched his face for the truth.

  “How can you even think that? You can ask your brother about it. He can vouch for me. I’ve been with him for most of the time. But I’m sure that you will not believe him, you are so determined to think the worst of me.”

  “You stopped phoning,” she accused, her voice rising.

  “You never answered. There is a limit to how much a man can grovel,” and he turned round and walked into the lounge. He sat on the sofa. He was not strong enough for the same arguments, the same going round in circles, nothing had changed. He rubbed his face with his hands to conceal the tears coming down his face. He was a beaten man, exhausted and defeated. He had done what his dreams had told him to do and now he had lost her forever.

  “Look, I messed up big time, I’m really sorry for what I did. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me then we must move on. This is causing too much pain for both of us and we can’t keep going round in circles. My feelings towards you have not changed and I don’t think they ever will. I still want the same thing I have always wanted from that very first day I met you. But I do appreciate that things may be different for you and I cannot just enforce my ideas on you. Just tell me what you want. I can help with supporting the kids if that is all you want from me, or I can just leave. It’s your call now.” He was that pathetic child again, waiting patiently for that small handout of affection. He would be grateful for anything she wished to give him. He was broken.

  Her arms flew around his neck. “I want a small secret wedding, you and me, Max, Julie and Anna...and no reporters...you told me that I could ask and I have.”

  He pulled her onto his lap and held her tight, not even trying to conceal the steady flow of tears streaming down his face.

  Coming Home

  They stayed in each other’s arms for a long time, no one daring to break the silent bond. They were home at last, all bitterness forgotten and all pain melted away. It was Josh who finally broke the silence.

  “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have left you for so long in your condition. I should have swallowed my pride and returned earlier.”

  “Don’t be so harsh on yourself. I was the one who pushed you away. And I said some really nasty things to you too...about your mother hating you....”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does. You trusted me with your childhood issues and I used them to hurt you. I love you Josh, and I love what’s inside you too. Please stop thinking that I love Rob in any other special way. He is my past and he means absolutely nothing to me now.”

  “I know. I have been insanely jealous of that guy, but we should put all that behind us now.” He smiled broadly. They could look forward to the future and the twins were their future. He slowly put his hand on her swollen belly, “How are the little tykes getting along?”

  “They keep me awake all night, kicking and stretching, and my back hurts but other than that they are absolutely fine. Scans are all normal and they should arrive any time now. Twins rarely take full term. That must be a little knee under your hand and this must be an elbow. Can you feel it move? ” she said as she shifted his hand around her severely stretched skin.

  His face filled with wonder as he felt his children move and his voice cracked with emotion, “Is that really an arm? Gosh, Maria, this is unbelievable, they have grown so much, the last time I saw them on the scan they were so tiny. We had better get cracking and prepare for their arrival. I wish Rita was here to do all the shopping but I guess I have to do it all myself, I’m not so pampered now. We’ll go together this afternoon, we need clothes, prams, nappies...,but if you don’t feel up to it I can go by myself. I also have a small wedding to plan, so we have no time to lose.”

  She got her small private wedding that very week. Josh smiled at her as she came down the aisle of a ti
ny chapel hidden in the outskirts of a forgotten village, the very place he had seen in his dreams. He had desperately tried to tweak that particular dream but he had eventually given up on it. Now there would always be that niggling feeling deep within his heart that she only married him because she was pregnant. Destiny had won in the end, and it seemed that in this case he had been unable to change the course of events. Would he be able to change those other terrifying scenes? He guessed that some, like this dream, were beyond his control.

  Her face was all he saw as he took her hand and slipped the ring on her finger. He promised to love her till death do they part. He kissed her. That kiss nourished his soul. This was the moment he had been waiting for all his life, loving her made sense, there could not have existed a more powerful moment than this.

  But just three weeks later an equally powerful moment hit him again. Maria woke him up at three in the morning, her face all fearful. Her water broke, a bit prematurely but she had been prepared as this was the case for twin pregnancies. Josh set into motion, his throat dry with fear as he took her to the labour ward. Would his dreams turn into reality now? He hoped they would, just for this time.

  He held her hand and kissed her forehead as she strained to push. He hated seeing her in pain, he felt sick and dizzy but he continued to murmur encouraging words, his eyes never leaving her face, until finally the background noise was pierced by a shrill cry. He proudly held his son Nick, and he wondered at the perfection of nature. But all too soon Maria started pushing again. The second twin was on the way.

  “I can’t do this, I’m too tired, I can’t push anymore,” she cried as she looked into his eyes, pleading for help. She looked so fragile and weak as she slumped back on her pillows.

  “Maria, you need just one final push, the poor baby needs to see her mum. Come on Maria, I know you can make it. It will all be worth it in the end,” he said as he clasped her hand and leaned his forehead against hers all the time wishing that he could make all her pain disappear. His words seemed to soothe her. She took in a final deep breath and painfully pushed the baby away.

  He looked at his newborn baby daughter, Emma, as the midwife put her on his wife’s heaving chest. His heart was suffused with happiness and he cried with joy, “Thank you Maria. I love you, I always have and I always will.” He continued to stare at his daughter’s perfect face and he remembered that far-off dream that had predicted every tiny detail.

  He shrugged; he no longer cared about his madness.

  That first month passed quicker than the speed of light and all Josh could remember were the sleepless nights and constant nappy changing, but he would not give up that life for anything in the world. Though, he knew that he would eventually have to think about his other commitments. The filming of the second part of her brother’s book back in the States could not be postponed forever. Maria understood this and approached the subject.

  “I can’t leave you behind,” he said. He had his priorities right and he had no intention of going back to the painful goodbyes as he crossed the Atlantic Ocean to and fro.

  “No, that is not what I meant,” Maria said, “I’ll come with you this time. We can all move to the States. We can come back to the UK when the kids are of school age, I have always wanted an English education for them but we’ll look into it when the time comes.”

  Josh looked proudly at his family as they boarded the plane. He somehow remembered what her father had told him, a long time ago when he was just a boy.

  “Josh, my boy, life is full of ups and downs. It is nothing but a revolving wheel. Sometimes you are down there with its weight crushing you down. And when you think that you can’t take it anymore, you suddenly find yourself rising and reaching the top. And my God, that summit is exhilarating. It makes all the pain worthwhile. Relish that time because inevitably the wheel will start turning again and you will find yourself slipping to the bottom, and only the good memories and the anticipation of the next summit will help you get through the crushing pain. Everyone on earth experiences this wheel of life, the richest and the poorest, kings and paupers. No one can escape it and no amount of worldly goods could ever keep you permanently at the very top.”

  Josh smiled. The tall dark-haired man had been so right. The summit was exhilarating. This was his summit. Life could not get any better than this.

  Bleeding Wounds

  Josh was in his library. He heard his one-year-old twins chuckle as their mother sang nursery rhymes and bathed them. He was pleased with the way his life was unfolding and he had been riding high on his summit for that past year. He was happy and secure and he was no longer plagued by the vivid dreams. He had relocked them all in that room inside his head and he never thought about them. Josh continued to read, immersing himself into his own private world and he never heard the phone ring. Maria slowly opened the library door. He looked up from his book and smiled.

  “Are they finally asleep?” he asked as he pulled her onto his lap. He began to play with her curls and he buried his face in her neck, drinking in her sweet fragrance. He felt that familiar stirring in his loins. But she gently cupped his face and looked into his eyes.

  “Your mother phoned. She is dying and she desperately wants to see you and the kids.” She stroked his face to erase the painful memories that surfaced every time his mother was merely mentioned.

  “I don’t care. The last time I saw her was on my eighteenth birthday. She has never shown any interest in my life and she can go to hell for all I care.” He continued to lightly kiss her neck.

  “Josh, she’s dying and whatever she has done to you in the past she is still your mother and she wants to make peace with her son. I don’t want you to regret this later. I’ll come with you, I’ll stay by your side, I promise. Do it for me, please.”

  His previous passionate moment evaporated and he frowned at her. “Maria, stop making me do things that I know would hurt me. I know my mother, she has no love to give me and she will only give me venom. Try to understand how I feel,” he pleaded. But she was forcefully adamant and as always he had to give in to her wishes. He could never say no to her. He will have to deal with the pain later. “I’ll do it for you, and only for you. We will go tomorrow,” and he started to stroke her back as he leaned over to kiss her.

  “I think we should go today...now. I don’t think she’ll be there tomorrow.”

  “She sure took a long time to decide whether she wanted to see me or not. She had to leave it till the very end, the very last second of her life,” he said sarcastically. “What is she dying of?”

  “She has liver failure probably brought on by excessive alcohol intake and drug abuse. She’s been hovering outside death’s door for the past two weeks now. She wanted to contact you earlier but she was not sure how you’ll take it.”

  “Sure she did! I wonder what poison she has prepared for me this time. She must have left the most potent to the last minute to give her that pleasure as she finally takes her last breath out of here.”

  “Josh, she’s your mother, she can’t be that bad. What kind of person would not forgive his dying mother? Why are you so cold-hearted?”

  “This is great, now you’re blaming me. Yes, blame Josh, he is always the bad guy. Everybody else does, so why not join the queue? You don’t know her like I do. You’ll soon see why I am so cold-hearted and why you are so wrong. I hope that you will be proud of yourself at what you are about to shove down my throat.” He sighed and rose to leave, deep in thought.

  It was dark by the time they arrived in the medical ward. Josh cradled his sleeping daughter in his arms as he entered the private room the nurse indicated. His mother was lying there, severely jaundiced and wasted, her previously beautiful face lined with pain as she struggled to breathe. Josh felt sorry for the mother she could have been. He slowly sat on her bed. He tied to fight off the ache and he concentrated hard on Maria’s hand comfortingly touching his back and the gurgling happy sounds his son was making in her arms.

&nbs
p; “Josh, you’ve come. I don’t deserve your compassion. You have turned out all right in the end despite my neglect,” Caris wheezed.

  Josh bit back his harsh comments. Neglect was the understatement of the year, what she had done to him was beyond mere neglect, it was pure hatred and vengeance; she had set out to destroy his very spirit. He had only come because Maria had insisted and not out of any compassion.

  Caris continued with her laboured speech as she looked at her grandchildren, “I can see a lot of you in your children, especially your daughter. They are exactly what your father said they were, beautiful and perfect. He is very proud of them, you know. You are the first to continue his precious line. Oh, that blessed man is absolutely obsessed with having descendants, his legacy as he calls them….”

  “My father?” Josh finally found his voice. “You knew who my father was and never told me, how could you? I had the right to know.” Josh was shaking with anger. Maria was closer now, comforting him. Her warm touch must have kept him sane at that moment. “Who is he, mum? When did you tell him that he had a son?”

  She laughed maliciously, “Oh Josh, you are still so pathetic. You are a grown man now and a father yourself, and you are still hoping that your own father would have welcomed you into his heart had he known about you. Wake up and smell the bacon, Josh. No one wanted you. Your birth was nothing but a big embarrassment. He had his own family to think about. Why would he compromise their love for you?”

  Josh looked away. The venom was eating at his heart now. But he could not get up and leave. He wanted a name. “Who is he?” he pleaded again as tears started to roll down his cheeks.