The First Date: A heartwarming and laugh out loud romantic comedy book that will make you feel happy

by Zara Stoneley

  His eyes open wide.

  ‘Sorry, sorry, I was talking to me, not you.’

  ‘What?’ He’s even more confused now. I don’t blame him, so am I. I’d had a split second to choose between rubbing myself against him like an over-sexed cat or bouncing about like a puppy. I go ‘puppy’ every time.

  See, this is what happens when I’m caught out half-asleep by a man with a sexy smile and warm hands. Sexy smile, where did that come from? Boy it’s got hot in here, even with the front door open.

  ‘Can you excuse me, just one moment?’

  He nods. I go into the kitchen, flap the bottom of my pyjama top, splash my face with ice cold water, bang my head on the fridge door and plaster a smile on my face.

  ‘Are you okay?’ He’s followed me into the kitchen.

  I nod.

  I’m not okay at all.

  He’s caught me unawares, literally walked out of my dream and in through my front door in real life. In my dream he’d got considerably further than my front door, he’d also got considerably less clothes on. And he’d got his fingers tangled in my hair, and his lips burning a path down my neck. He’d reached the sensitive spot on my neck that makes me shiver. And unlike Robbie, Noah is lingering in a way that’s made me all hot and bothered.

  I’m still hot and bothered. Just not being kissed. Dream fantasies and reality are not supposed to mix. It’s confusing. Too confusing.

  ‘You’ve got wet hair.’ He frowns.

  ‘I know. Forget it, it’s nothing.’ It’s my turn to frown as I back into the corner next to the cooker. I never realised this kitchen was so small. One more step and we’ll have moved onto another of my fantasies.

  Stop, Rosie!

  ‘Why are you here? It’s eight o’clock in the morning, and my day off! You woke me up!’

  ‘You’re so cute when you’re sleepy but angry at the same time!’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know, something about the tousled hair, the spark in your eye and—’

  ‘You know what I mean! Why are you here! Now, in my kitchen.’ I self-consciously touch my hair and try not to look pleased.

  ‘Oh yeah, well it’s your day off!’ He grins triumphantly.

  ‘Er, yes. But it’s not yours.’ How did he remember it was my day off? Nobody remembers stuff like that. Robbie didn’t, not even Mum does. Well, I guess Robbie’s mum sometimes did. She had it all written on the calendar – a column for each of them, and even one for me. It’s sad realising nobody is that bothered in my life any more. That the nearest thing I had to a family has disappeared into thin air. Or Wales.

  Except now Noah bothers. Damn the man, he’s just so nice, so thoughtful, so …

  ‘Cooee it’s only me! I’ve got a parcel for you!’ A loud voice slices straight through my thoughts. Which is a good and a bad thing. Good because I’ve got a horrible feeling that I’m starting to like Noah far too much, and not just because he’s undeniably hot, bad because it’s my nosy neighbour.

  ‘I closed the door,’ mouths Noah, frowning.

  ‘I know,’ I mouth back.

  He raises an eyebrow. I open my mouth to continue the silent conversation, and a small wiry woman bustles in like a terrier who has scented a rabbit. She is clutching a brown box in her hands and stops a foot short of shoving it into my arms.

  ‘Oh! You have company!’ She fixes him with a piercing stare then beams – if she had a tail, she’d be wagging it. ‘Oh, my goodness me, I’m not surprised you’ve got your mouth hanging open.’ I close it. ‘What a fabulous sight first thing in the morning; they should do it on the NHS. This one is so much better than the last one, Rosie!’ She circles him. ‘Bravo, well done!’

  ‘He’s not—’

  ‘What a gorgeous physique, such lovely legs. I can’t stand spindly ones, can you?’

  ‘I’ve never really thought about it,’ I say lamely and glance in the same direction she is.

  Oh God, she’s right. He’s even got sexy knees! How did I not notice …? I think I was so obsessed with trying not to look like I’d been having fantasy sexual relations with him I’d blanked everything out below the waist. ‘You’ve got legs.’ He grins. ‘I mean shorts, you’ve got shorts on!’ I point.

  ‘I could take them off?’

  Rhonda squeals, and I glare at him. She doesn’t need encouraging; she’s ‘popping in’ far too much as it is.

  ‘Maybe not.’ He winks at me. ‘But you need to get yours on, come on, shoo, go and get dressed. I’m taking you to the gym!’

  ‘The only place for a spindly leg is on a table I always say!’ Interrupts Rhonda, sliding between us and shoving her hand out. ‘I’m Rhonda.’

  ‘Delighted.’

  I can hear them, but from far away. All I can see are his legs. I’m fixated. I shake my head and finally find my voice. ‘Rhonda’s my neighbour.’

  Yeah, I know, knees shouldn’t be such a big deal – everybody has them or they’d fall over – but when they’re like this, and they’re in my kitchen, they are quite something to behold. Rhonda is right, his legs are rather shapely, in a manly way. ‘She has a key, to er …’

  ‘Feed the cat!’ announces Rhonda with a big smile, still giving Noah the once-over as though he’s a juicy bone. I can understand now why her husband spends all the time in his shed.

  ‘You’ve got a cat?’ He’s looking confused.

  ‘No.’

  ‘The previous occupants had one, such nice people they were. Always had time for a chat.’ Smiles Rhonda. ‘They gave me a spare key so that I could help out when they were away and keep an eye on the place. I kept it when you moved in, didn’t I, dear?’

  ‘Well yes, but there really is no need.’

  ‘She’s not got a cat!’ says Noah.

  ‘But she’s got plants that might need watering, and I take parcels in if she’s away, and you never know she might get a cat one day! Always handy if a neighbour has a key, in case you lock yourself out. I do like to be neighbourly, not enough of it around these days.’

  ‘I don’t think I will lock myself out.’ I shake my head and cross my fingers at the same time – because it isn’t an impossibility. ‘And my mum does have a spare key.’

  The key is a bit of an issue if I’m honest. I’d only been in the place one day when there was a brief knock on the door, followed by a ‘cooee it’s me’ and there she was. Rhonda. She has a whole cupboard full of neighbours’ keys. I mean, it is a good idea in some ways, but it’s her habit of knocking then letting herself in without waiting that’s the issue. Not even my mum does that.

  ‘Well there you go. Brilliant!’ says Noah. I give him the evil eye. ‘Perfect timing, you’ve just saved us a whole lot of bother.’ He smiles, full wattage aimed straight at her. I swear I see a start of a swoon; any second now she’ll be fanning herself.

  ‘I have?’ She’s preening, looking proud of herself even though she doesn’t know what it is she’s done.

  ‘You certainly have. We need a spare key and you’ve saved us a trip to get one cut.’ He holds his hand out, and she drops the key into the palm without a murmur. ‘And there’s no cat to feed yet, or parcels due, or imminent holiday, is there?’ He looks straight at me.

  ‘No.’ I mouth. How did he know how desperately I wanted my key back? How can he think of a way so quickly? How can he make Rhonda putty in his hands like that?

  ‘Of course, dear. You only have to ask!’ I have asked, several times; we have been at a key impasse. ‘Anything to help. It’s so nice to see Rosie with a man again. Did she tell you about Robbie? He went a bit strange. I mean, what kind of man wanders off with a rucksack on his own for months on end like that? At his age as well! He used to have a proper job, you know, and now look at him! It’s all yurts and sheep. Did you know he got married?’ I’m not sure if she’s asking me or Noah, but I nod anyway. ‘Well, that’s my good deed for the day, so I’ll be off! I will see you again, won’t I?’ That comment is definitely aimed at Noah.
>
  ‘I’m sure you will. You’re a star.’ And he somehow manages to usher her out of the door at double fast speed while kissing her on the cheek. I can hear her humming as she walks down the path; any second now she’ll be skipping.

  ‘How did you do that?’

  ‘They don’t call me the charmer for nothing.’ He smiles, but this time it’s not cheeky, it’s soft at the edges. ‘She just wants to feel needed.’

  ‘I know but thank you! That was pretty,’ I try not to grin, ‘masterful.’

  ‘Wow, compliments!’

  ‘Don’t let it go to your head!’

  ‘You’ll be saying you like me next.’ He chuckles, but luckily doesn’t wait for a response. ‘Anyway, we can’t risk having her dropping in on you once we’ve managed to get a load of hot dates lined up, can we?’

  I feel faint. ‘They don’t have to be hot,’ I say weakly. Hot men are bad for me. Lukewarm is better, much, much better. Lukewarm with only moderately sexy legs.

  He winks. ‘They will be though; they’ll be beating a path to your door! Now come on, let’s get a sweat on.’

  I’m so glad Rhonda wasn’t here to hear that. ‘But you’ve got work to do, you can’t, I can’t …’

  ‘I knew you didn’t mean it when you said you’d go on your own, so I said I’d be late in work this morning. I’ll make it up this evening. Come on, chop chop or we won’t get a proper workout!’

  Oh gawd. A workout. I’m going all hot and cold at the idea.

  ‘You took time off just to help me?’

  He rubs his hands together. ‘I thought you had a target of your parents’ party?’

  I can almost feel the blood drain out of my face. Yeah, I admit Dad is on my mind far more than he should be, because how can I not keep comparing the carefree Noah to him? But I had been trying not to think about THE PARTY which is hanging over me like a black cloud hangs over a picnic. What on earth made me tell Mum I had a boyfriend?

  ‘No time like the present to get their daughter prepped and ready for action!’

  ‘I’m not the main course.’ It’s sweet. He’s taking this seriously, but I’m slightly sad that he obviously wants to get it all done and dusted.

  ‘I think you probably are!’ He grins his cheekiest smile. Dimples on full strength. ‘I said I’d teach you how to seduce, I promised I’d get you dating again, and I like to keep my promises.’

  His words land like gentle thuds inside me.

  Being with Noah is like being on a roller coaster: one minute I’m feeling all good about myself, and on some weird kind of high, the next I’m reminded why he’s here. And the fact that he’ll walk out of my life as casually as he walked in. ‘It’s not going to happen, is it? Me getting a date in time?’

  ‘Of course, it’s going to happen!’

  ‘I’m a challenge, aren’t I? A project and you’re one of those people that hates to fail.’ How come I feel so disappointed? I knew this was what this was all about for him.

  ‘Hates to? Oh no, Rosie. I don’t fail. Never fail!’ He chuckles, which softens the blow. It’s hard to dislike him. ‘I’ll do whatever it takes.’ He winks. ‘But you’re not much of a challenge, you’re far too seductive and sexy just as you are.’

  I gulp down the lump in my throat. It’s just words, Rosie; he’s a flirt, he knows what to say. That’s all. He doesn’t mean anything by it. Look how he just got Rhonda to do exactly what he wanted!

  ‘You’re good,’ I say as brightly as I can, trying to ignore the heat of his fingers as he tucks a tendril of my hair behind my ear, sending a shiver down my back.

  ‘And don’t let anybody tell you otherwise!’ He grins, then walks over to look out of the window and luckily the moment has gone. Thank goodness for that. All this shivering and tingling and flushing is playing havoc with my head as well as my body. ‘Right, let’s step things up!’

  ‘That sounds ominous.’

  ‘If we run out of time, you’ll have to take me to the party remember!’

  For a second I do actually think about it. I mean, he’s presentable, fun. Mum would love him. Although he seems to think my dad is public enemy number 1, so that might not go well. And even if he pretended to like him, well we’d both be pretending. And I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to kid Mum and Dad (and me), can I? For a start they’d probably wonder why we never ever snogged or even held hands, and then they’d wonder why we hadn’t moved in together, and then somebody would spot Noah out on a date, and … well it doesn’t bear thinking about. I need to get my act together.

  ‘You need to teach me faster!’

  ‘So you don’t have to take me?’ He puts on his sad face.

  ‘You know what I mean!’

  ‘Let’s go fast-tracking at the gym then, best place to up the pace!’

  ‘Haha, you’re so funny. I am being serious though.’

  ‘So am I. This is the next lesson. Find out how easy it is to chat somebody up when you’ve got something to focus on.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You don’t need to think up any fancy chat-up lines, or what to talk about, you can get straight in there and talk dumbbells and crunches.’

  ‘I can?’ What is there to say about somebody rocking about on the floor like an infant who’s forgotten how to stand up?

  ‘Admire a guy’s rowing technique, ask him if you’re doing it right.’

  I glare at him. ‘I don’t need help!’

  ‘Apologise for taking soooo long to fill up your water bottle, and then accidentally tipping it over them!’

  ‘You’ve done that, haven’t you?’

  He grins. ‘Just chew the fat about the best tracks to pound to on the running machine then.’

  ‘I’m not a cow!’

  He suddenly chuckles. ‘They chew cud not fat, herbivores? Your practical exercise for today is to chat to at least two men you don’t know, and extra marks if they ask for your phone number or share their playlist!’

  I groan. ‘Practical exercise? Practical? Aren’t I doing enough exercising on the bloody machines?’

  ‘That, my dear, is a means to an end. Come on, stop trying to delay the inevitable. No snogging though.’

  ‘What?’ I squeak. Oh my God, he’s been reading my mind! My cheeks are burning. He’s putting snogging down on the lesson plan, with him?

  ‘Hands-free encounter in the gym, though you can do this.’ He rests his hand on my forearm and my mouth is suddenly dry. So is my head. I can’t think of anything to say, so I nod dumbly as we stare at each other. It’s weird. How can the lightest touch feel so intimate?

  Then he lets go and steps back. ‘Right then. I’m all yours, but only for a couple of hours, so get your skates on.’

  He’s not all mine, not all mine, not all mine, I chant as I head up the stairs, doing my best to hold in my quivering tummy muscles.

  ‘Only me dear!’ I freeze. Rhonda is shouting through the letterbox. ‘You can drop the key off when you get back!’

  Wednesday a bit later

  ‘Buggering, flaming, stop, please stop, stop!’ I let go of the rail for a split second to jab at a button, then grab it again before I fall off the running machine backwards. Just in time as my legs start getting left behind, and my armpits feel the stretch. ‘Shit, shit.’ I put on a sprint so I’m upright again then risk glancing round. ‘No-aaaaaah!’

  Okay so this could be partly my own fault. I did insist I knew what I was doing, and that he could go off and do his own thing and leave me alone. I practically pushed him away. But that was because 1. I have been here before and never had a problem; after all how hard can it be to programme a machine like this? and 2. Having his body that close to mine when he is only dressed in gear that clings to his torso and his rather well-toned bum (you’d have noticed too, it was unavoidable) was bringing me out in a sweat before I’d even started any kind of exercise. Panting before you’ve started isn’t a good look.

  I spot him pretty quickly out of the corner of my
eye. I’ve got a kind of Noah-radar which is horrible because I nearly forget to keep moving and my feet are off in the wrong direction again.

  It would seem he meant it when he said it was a good place to chat people up. He is standing by the water cooler, casual and sweat-free, a broad smile on his face as a blonde goddess flicks her immaculate hair in his face and leans forward to take a cup of water from him. Her hand brushes his, I’m sure of it, even at this distance, and I feel a twinge in my chest.

  I turn back so abruptly I nearly give myself whiplash.

  ‘Are you okay?’ The soft voice nearly sends me off the machine sideways. I’d been concentrating so hard on trying not to watch Noah, not to think about what he was joking about, that I didn’t hear anybody come close. ‘Hey?’

  I try and smile. I probably look sick; I feel sick. My feet have got a mind of their own, and Noah has buggered off to enjoy himself. Then I look.

  The guy is still there, and he’s got the nicest, softest green eyes.

  ‘Do you need a glass of water? You look a bit—’

  ‘No!’ I shout. No way am I going near that water cooler. Unless it’s to throw a cup of water at Noah’s crotch.

  He’s looking even more concerned now.

  ‘I don’t think I am okay, but I don’t need a drink.’ I am sure I sound slightly, okay a lot, pathetic. ‘I’m normally fine on this machine,’ I try not to pant, ‘but it’s doing weird things.’

  ‘Hang on.’ He leans in. ‘Here, let’s decrease the incline, and er, speed. Somebody has set a challenging programme.’ He smiles. ‘It might have been me actually, sorry!’

  ‘You!’ I smile. I am now capable of normal expressions and breathing now the machine has slowed down. ‘My fault though, I should have reset it.’ I should; if I hadn’t been in such a rush to jump on and impress Noah. My God, why am I trying to impress the man?

  ‘Hope you didn’t mind me jumping in.’