by M. E. Parker
“Damn, Chance,” he said, staring at me.
“I don’t think I really noticed until tonight how hot you’ve gotten.”
Andy laughed. “Shut up.”
“It’s true,” I said looking out the window. “I think I’ve always been attracted to you. I still remember the day I met you. I was mesmerized by all the colors in your hair.”
Andy laughed again. “I think you’ve had too much to drink.”
I looked over at him “No. I haven’t. You just don’t see it. Everyone noticed tonight.” Andy shook his head. I ignored him. “Donovan, Becky and Jenny, Misty. Hell, even Lambert noticed. The stupid prick didn’t even recognize you.”
Andy shrugged. “Whatever, I just got contacts. They’re all used to seeing me with glasses.”
I shook my head. “It’s not the contacts. It’s everything. The way your body has filled out. You’re taller. It’s the way you carry yourself. It’s the person you’ve become. I mean, the way you handled that whole deal with Jen and Beck. You were so patient and funny and sweet. I would have just gotten all defensive and turned into a giant dick. Hell, by the end of the night, you were exchanging phone numbers, following each other on Instagram. I’m pretty sure they’re competing to see who can claim you as their GBF first.”
Andy threw his head back and laughed. “Chance. You don’t know how you would have reacted. You have to remember, I’ve been dealing with this for almost five years. By the way, I’m proud of you for knowing the ‘gay best friend’ acronym.”
“I know, right?” I said, smiling at him. “I mean it though, Andy. It’s weird. Maybe it’s because I watched your transformation gradually over the past few years.”
He wrinkled his forehead. “What do you mean? We’ve barely seen each other.”
“That’s not the point. My point is, this morning, in the treehouse, you said, something like, if I were out, I could get any guy I wanted. But you have everything backwards. It’s you that could have anyone you wanted. I feel lucky. I just wanted you to know that,” I said as I reached up and pushed a stray hair out of his eye.
Andy shook his head again. “Let’s get this straight. Between you and me, make no mistake, you’re the hot one and I’m the lucky one. But let’s go back to that part where you said you watched me over the years. What did you mean by that?”
I shrugged and sighed. “If I make this confession to you, do you swear you won’t call me a crazy stalker and refuse to ever speak to me again?”
Andy wrinkled his brow again. “I swear?” I wasn’t convinced. His promise sounded more like a question than an affirmation.
I let out a breath. “Every morning, you jog pass my dorm a few minutes after seven. I watch.”
Andy grinned. “What do you mean you watch?”
I shrugged. “I mean, I stand at my window and wait to watch you run by.”
“For how long.”
I shrugged again. “I don’t know, a few minutes, until you disappear into the distance.”
Andy laughed. “No, I mean, how long have you been watching me?”
I let out a breath. “I don’t know. Since probably the first week of freshman year.”
The lights went out just as I finished the sentence. We were in complete darkness. Andy reached up and ran his fingers through my hair. “That’s the sweetest fucking thing anyone’s ever said to me,” he whispered before his lips descended on mine. Our kiss was desperate. I grabbed the collar of his sweater and pulled him closer.
“Fuck, Andy,” I whispered against his lips, “I like you so much.”
“Me too,” Andy whispered, lightly biting my lower lip and driving me insane.
“I’ve never felt like this before.”
“Me neither,” Andy said as he kissed my neck.
“We should stop,” I said, not really meaning it.
“Oh god.” Andy pulled away. “Sorry.”
“Uh, your hand,” I said, looking down at it. It was on my crotch. He tightened his grip on my painful erection.
“I can fix this, if you want,” Andy said with a chuckle.
My head fell back. “Fuck Andy. Not here.”
Andy laughed and pulled his hand away.
“Wait,” I said, grabbing his wrist and putting his hand back between my legs.
“I’ll make it fast,” he said, unbuttoning my jeans.
I laughed. “You better, I’m dying here—Oh god, Andy,” I said as soon as he wrapped his hand around my hard cock. My head rested in the crook of his neck as he stroked me. I was having trouble controlling my breathing. It was so dark in my truck. It was completely silent. All I could hear was the sound of our breathing and the sound of him jerking me off. I bucked hips and my entire body shuddered as I let go. “Oh god. Oh my god,” I whispered as I clung to the collar of his sweater. We both laughed quietly as he popped open the glove compartment and pulled out a napkin to clean me up while I caught my breath.
“Better?” he whispered in my ear. My entire body shuddered again when I felt his warm breath against my ear and neck.
“Come here, monkey,” I said, before I pulled him in for a kiss. I rubbed my cheek against the stubble of his and kissed his neck, stopping to lick his Adam’s apple. “Your turn,” I whispered as I reached for the button of his jeans. Andy grabbed my hand.
“Wait,” he said breathlessly. I looked up at him. “Jesus, Chance. You make me stupid.”
I grinned at him. “It’s only fair, monkey.” I reached for the button of his jeans again, but he grabbed my hand and pulled it up to his mouth and kissed it.
“You’re not gonna stop with that stupid nickname, are you?” he asked, grinning at me.
“You know you love it.” He didn’t answer, but I could tell by the look on his face that he did.
“I have to go in. Mom’s gonna wonder what the hell we’ve been doing out here.”
I rubbed my palm against his erection. “You’re going inside like this?”
He moved my hand away again and rolled his eyes. “I’ll take care of it when I get in bed,” he said, kissing me again. “I have the perfect image in mind.”
“I wish I could watch,” I whispered in his ear.
“You’re killing me,” he said, pushing my shoulder. “Text me in the morning.”
I grabbed his arm. “We’re still going back tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah. Mom goes to work at noon, we can leave after that.”
“Good. I haven’t been able to sleep.” Andy opened the door and looked at me. “It’s true, monkey. I miss sleeping beside you.”
Andy smiled at me. “Goodnight.”
“Night, monkey.”
He laughed and shook his head before he turned to walk away.
I watched him walk inside before I pulled out of his driveway and into my own. Before I walked inside, I sat in my truck for a minute and closed my eyes.
I love him. I’m in love with him.
I knew as I sat there, my life was changing in ways I could never imagine. That was the first time we’d been in public together since the two of us had gotten together. Becky and Jenny may have been clueless, but Donovan knew. I could see it in his eyes. Andy wouldn’t put up with me pretending to be straight for long. Andy would never pretend to be straight again. If someone asked him whether he was gay, he would tell them. If someone assumed that he was straight, he would correct them. Andy would never pretend again, not even for me. The truth was, I didn’t want him to.
It sucked pretending. Being with Andy, not pretending with him, made me feel like I could start to breathe again. But I knew what we had wouldn’t last forever. Eventually, Andy would get sick of my pretense, and I would have to make a choice. I’d have to choose between him and staying in the closet. The thought terrified me.
The truth was, I knew as soon as I came out, I would no longer be me. I would no longer be Chance Wyrick, the quarterback for Gilcrest University, the son of Elizabeth and Charles, or Travis James’s best friend. I’d be the gay f
ootball player, my mother and father’s gay son, and Travis’s gay friend. I didn’t want to be defined by the word “gay”. As much as I wanted to stop living a lie, I still didn’t want to be “gay”.
As I sat there in the car, staring at the house I grew up in, it occurred to me that I might not have to make a choice. I might not even have to come out. I could just do nothing. I could spend every second with Andy that he’d have me, and eventually, they’d all figure it out. I rubbed my face with my hands.
Why am I such a fucking coward? It’s not wrong. Andy’s not wrong. Andy and I are not wrong. It’s not wrong, I thought, trying to convince myself.
The truth was, I didn’t care if it was wrong. I was happy for the first time in as long as I could remember. I wasn’t going to give Andy up. Even if that meant that the entire world would eventually figure it out. Even if it meant that the entire world knew I was gay. Even if it was wrong …
Chapter Five
Andy
Chance and I left Wytheville a few minutes after noon. I was emotional. Mom and I had a long talk. I explained to her why I was having second thoughts about med school. She tried to be supportive, but I could see the disappointment in her eyes. On top of that, I was overwhelmed by my feelings for Chance. Sure, I’d known most of my life that I’d loved him. But that was before. That was before I ever had any hope of being with him. That was an unrequited sort of love. Things had changed.
I looked over at Chance as we drove down the rural highway on our way to I-40. Something was weighing on his mind too.
“You okay?” I asked.
He turned, looked at me, and smiled. “Yeah, monkey. You okay?”
God, he was beautiful. His dark, piercing eyes. The dark stubble that covered his square jaw. His full lips that were so fucking kissable. It was hard for me to believe that I was even with him then. Riding in his truck. Him holding my hand. It felt surreal.
“Yeah,” I said, looking out the window. “Sometimes, when we’re together, I look at you and wonder if this is all real.”
“I feel the same,” he said, raising my hand to his lips and gently kissing it. “I thought maybe we could stop in Asheville for lunch. What do you think?”
“That sounds great,” I said, squeezing his hand.
We were both quiet as we pulled onto the interstate. We were quiet as we drove to Asheville. We were quiet as Chance pulled off the exit into Asheville. It felt peaceful, but also a little unsettling.
“So, where do you want to have lunch? Pick anywhere you like. It’s on me,” Chance said.
I shrugged. “Whatever sounds good to you. They have everything. There’s a Panera up there on the right. Or if you want Asian, there’s a Panda Express further down.”
“What about that place you were always bugging your mom to go to when we were kids?” he asked, smiling at me.
I laughed. “Grove Park Inn?”
“Yeah, what about that place?”
“Uh, I doubt they have lunch. Plus, it’s crazy expensive and I’m sure we’d need a reservation and we’re not dressed …”
Chance pulled off the road into a gas station and interrupted me.
“Let’s look it up and see,” he said, taking his phone out of his pocket.
There was no way we were going to the Grove Park Inn. It was true that I’d always wanted to go there. But Chance didn’t get it. It was a huge resort. There was probably a restaurant that served lunch, but it would be out of our price range.
I put my hand on his phone. “We’re not going to Grove Park.”
“Why not?”
I laughed. “How do you even remember me talking about that?”
“I remember everything, Andy,” he said, grinning.
I shook my head. “Okay, so what if we just walk around downtown and when we see a place that looks good, we eat there?”
Chance furrowed his brow. He looked disappointed. “Are you sure?”
“Totally. Have you been to downtown Asheville?” He shook his head. “You’ll love it. Come on, it’ll be fun.”
We walked along the streets of Asheville. I was surprised at the number of vendors out. It wasn’t like it was during the summer, but the weather was good, and it was a Saturday.
“You were right,” Chance said, as he stopped at an artist’s booth and started flipping through the prints on his table, “this place is cool.”
There was a guy behind us playing the guitar. I hadn’t been certain that Chance would be into it. Asheville was full of artists and musicians. But he seemed to be loving every second of it.
At some point, I looked in front of us and saw two older guys holding hands as they strolled by the booths. I looked at Chance. He was watching them. He looked sad.
He looked back at me and reached for my hand. “Come on. Let’s find a place to eat. I’m starving.”
“What are you doing?” I asked, pulling my hand away. He looked back at me with a questioning glance. “Someone might recognize you,” I said.
He turned to me and let out a deep breath. “I doubt it. Not here. I, just for one day, I don’t want to pretend. Please, Andy,” he asked, holding out his hand.
I nodded and took his hand. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. But I felt like I was just getting a little, tiny taste of the best cake I ever had but that I’d never be able to taste again. Chance may have thought that we weren’t pretending that day. But I felt like we were pretending.
It didn’t take us long to find a little café. We had a long lunch. We talked and laughed. I felt like I was in a dream as we walked off our lunch through downtown, hand in hand. We stopped at a little booth towards the end of the vendors. I looked down and saw a bracelet. It was a tiny silver bar that had black cords on either side of it with a silver clasp. I ran my fingers across it.
“It would look good on you,” the man said. I looked up at him. He was an older, good-looking guy, with grey hair and a goatee. “Here, try it on. Give me your arm,” he said.
“Oh, no. That’s okay.”
“Try it,” Chance said.
I held out my arm and the man clasped it around my wrist. “See. It looks great,” he said.
He looked at Chance. “It can be engraved. It’s sterling silver. Makes a great gift,” he said with a wink.
I looked at the tiny white price tag hanging from it. $200.
“Yeah. It’s cool. Completely out of my budget though,” I said, clearing my throat. “College student,” I added, extending my arm for him to take it off.
“I get that,” he said as he unclasped it.
“It’s really beautiful though. Nice work.” I felt bad for wasting the guy’s time.
“It did look good on you,” Chance said, as we walked away.
“You think?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“It wasn’t too gay?”
Chance stopped me and looked at me. “What does that even mean?”
I shrugged and let out a breath. “I don’t know. I’ve never worn jewelry before.”
“Andy, if you like it, you should get it. It shouldn’t matter what I think. I don’t want you to be anyone but you around me.” Chance ran his fingers through his hair. “It looks good on you. And for the record, Travis wears one just like it and he’s not gay.”
I looked down at the ground. He was right. I shouldn’t try to be anyone but me around him. If things were gonna work out between us, he needed to know the real me.
“You’re right. Ignore me. I’m being totally stupid. It doesn’t matter anyway, I’d never buy it. It was two hundred bucks, can you believe that?”
Chance pulled his truck keys out of his pocket. “Could you do me a favor and go get the truck? I’ll meet you back here.”
“Why?” I asked.
“I need to find a bathroom,” he said.
“Okay, so I’ll wait.”
“It might take a minute,” he said, rubbing his stomach.
I laughed. “Oh my god, if you have to take a shit, just say i
t. We’ve known each other since we were six. You’ve never had a problem announcing it before.”
He laughed, looked at me, and tilted his head. “Andy, I have to take a shit. Can you please pull the truck around?”
I grabbed the keys from his hand, still laughing. “Okay, but you owe me. It’s a long walk back to where we parked.”
“Okay, I owe you,” he said as I walked away.
When I picked him up, he was standing on the corner with his arms crossed. I couldn’t help myself when he got into the truck.
“Everything come out okay?” I don’t know how many times I’d said that to him when we were kids and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.
“Ha. Ha. Ha,” he said, shaking his head and smiling. “That joke wasn’t even funny when we were ten.”
We laughed and talked the whole way back to Gilcrest. Whatever was awkward between us when we left Wytheville seemed to be gone. When we pulled up in front of my apartment building, I put his truck in park and turned to look at him and smiled.
“So, do you want to come over tonight?” I asked.
He scrunched up his eyebrows. “Yeah, of course. I thought it would just be a given at this point.”
I looked down. “Yeah. It is. I just meant, maybe … I mean, I was wondering if you might want to come over earlier than usual.”
He sighed. “I was planning to run over to the dorm, shower, grab some clothes and come right back over.” He reached over and squeezed my hand. “I’m done sneaking in and out of your apartment, Andy. I’m sorry for making you feel …” He shook his head. “When I asked you to be my boyfriend, I meant it. I want to spend as much time with you as you’ll let me. I know things aren’t perfect. I can’t give you everything right now. But I want to. I want to give you everything—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupted.
“It’s not okay. I’m trying to work through everything in my head. I’m trying to work up the courage to do the right thing. I keep thinking about what my life would be like—with my father and football—and I’m not gonna lie, it scares the shit out of me. But I swear, I’m working through it. I’ll get there, Andy. If you can just give me a little more time—”
