The Accidental Love Letter

by Olivia Beirne

  Good. I’d rather him not be in here anyway.

  I smile back at Gus. ‘Bingo!’

  ‘We don’t play bingo,’ Sylvia says dismissively. ‘We haven’t since Diane left. She had the kit.’

  ‘I know,’ I say, ‘but that’s why I’ve got this.’

  I wriggle the big box out of the plastic bag and drop it on the table proudly. Gus laughs.

  ‘You play bingo?’ Sylvia asks, lowering her book on to her lap.

  ‘No,’ I reply, ‘but I thought we could play today. I bought this,’ and I tap the box, feeling a zap of warmth strike through me.

  Why am I so excited to play bingo? Is this the new me?

  I catch Gus winking at Sylvia, and she turns the page of her book.

  ‘Look at that, Nina!’ Gus calls towards the window. ‘Look what Bea has bought us.’

  My eyes follow his gaze. Nina hasn’t moved.

  A cold feeling spreads through me.

  I thought she wanted me here.

  ‘Would you like a game, Sylvie?’ Gus leans forward and rests his hands on his knees, his head turned towards Sylvia.

  ‘No, thank you,’ Sylvia says pointedly, dropping her chin towards the book.

  Gus slaps his leg. ‘Oh, come on,’ he says, ‘you used to be the champion.’

  Sylvia turns a page. ‘I know I did,’ she says.

  ‘Scared you’ll lose, then?’ Gus says, leaning towards her. ‘Scared Nina will beat you?’

  Sylvia lifts the book closer to her face. ‘Of course not,’ she says matter-of-factly. ‘Nina won’t play.’

  My eyes stray towards Nina again, who still hasn’t moved. As always, she is sunk in the high-backed chair with both of her hands stretched out and resting on the arms. Her gaze is fixed out of the window, her eyes only flickering slightly when a strip of light skims through the glass.

  I slowly move towards her, my heart picking up its pace as I get closer.

  I know she doesn’t want to talk to me. I know she doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

  But I can’t let her just sit there, alone. She’s always sat there on her own.

  Nobody wants to be alone.

  ‘What are you looking for?’

  I hear the words before they pass through my mind and I almost flinch at the bluntness of my question. Nina’s eyes twitch, but they don’t stray.

  ‘A robin,’ she says quietly.

  I follow her gaze out of the window and look out at the jagged tree, its angry, naked branches jerking out at odd angles.

  I sink into the chair next to her, peering out of the window.

  I can’t see any birds. There isn’t any wildlife at all.

  ‘Why?’ I ask. ‘Have you seen one before?’

  I glance over at Nina as I wait for her answer, and I see her large eyes glass over.

  ‘Once,’ she says, her light London accent playing with the word, ‘a long time ago. One came right up to me and Melanie to say hello. I’ve never forgotten it.’

  I feel my heart swell inside my chest as the creature inside me wraps its claws around my throat. A hot, familiar feeling swirls up inside my throat and I swallow.

  ‘Is Melanie your daughter?’ I ask, already knowing the answer.

  Nina nods, the movement of her head causing a few tears to run down her cheeks and seep into her blouse. Her eyes stay firmly fixed on the view out of the window and her lips are clamped together defiantly.

  I reach my hand forward and place it on top of Nina’s and at the touch of her hand, the anxiety inside me is silenced.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  ‘Hello?’ I shout, pushing my way through the front door, my heavy shopping bags thwacking the backs of my legs.

  18.15: home after my weekly food shop.

  ‘Hiya!’ I hear girls’ voices yell in unison.

  I stagger into the living room with my bags and see Priya, Emma and Margot, all curled up on our sofa and clasping large mugs. Margot is leaning forward on her knees and watching Priya as she runs her fingers through her hair. Emma gets to her feet and grabs one of the bags from my hand. I smile at her gratefully as she takes it with me into the kitchen. She drops the bag on to the kitchen counter.

  ‘You’re just in time,’ she says, picking up the kettle and filling it with water. ‘I’m just about to make a tea. Would you like one?’

  I start unpacking my shopping.

  Peppers, onions, broccoli and spinach. Bottom left-hand corner of fridge.

  ‘Yes, please,’ I say.

  Milk, butter, Babybels. Second shelf of fridge.

  Emergency Dairy Milk, hidden behind celery in fridge.

  ‘How are you?’ I ask, as Emma pulls mugs out from the cupboard.

  ‘Yeah,’ Emma sighs, ‘okay. Haven’t had the best week at work. Just a lot of people shouting at me.’

  She shoots me a smile over her shoulder, but I know she’s not joking. Emma works in sales, which comes with a large pay packet and lots of fancy perks. But they don’t tell you about the targets when you start. It’s all about the targets, as Emma always repeats. She pours the boiling water in the mugs and I lean my weight against the fridge.

  ‘That’s horrible,’ I say. ‘I hate that people are so mean to you at work.’

  Emma shrugs, reaching behind me to grab the milk. ‘It’s fine,’ she says. ‘Work all right for you?’

  She picks up two of the mugs and nods her head towards the other two. I pick them up and feel a light squirming sensation.

  I never feel like I can complain about my job in front of Emma or Priya. My job is stressful, but nothing compared to either of theirs.

  I place Priya’s tea by her feet and sink to the floor, cradling my hot mug between my fingers.

  ‘So you don’t miss him, then?’ Margot asks, her calm voice interrupting Priya’s erratic hair flicking.

  ‘The thing is,’ Priya says, her voice light and carefree, ‘there’s nothing to miss any more. We didn’t actually have anything that special. I’ve come to realise that now.’

  I hold the mug up to my lips.

  ‘And now that I’ve realised this,’ Priya continues, ‘it’s helped me make space in my mind for what I really want to do with my life.’

  I frown.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I ask. ‘You love your job.’

  Priya shrugs as I shuffle closer to her. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘yeah, I do. But I feel like I could be doing more.’

  ‘So,’ Margot says, glancing over towards me, ‘what is it you want to do now?’

  My eyes jerk away quickly.

  Priya tilts her head. ‘I don’t know,’ she says airily, ‘I’m still trying to work that out.’

  I open my mouth to speak when the doorbell rings.

  I scrunch up my brow.

  Who is that?

  Emma arches her back towards the window and pulls at the net curtain.

  ‘Oh,’ she says, ‘it’s Joy. She’s brought our post round.’

  Emma goes to stand up when I lurch forward with such force that tea splats down my front.

  Emma scoffs at me. ‘Bloody hell, Bea,’ she laughs, ‘you desperate for an electric bill or something?’

  My face pinches as Margot and Priya look round at me.

  ‘Yeah,’ I mumble, darting towards the door.

  She must have my letter. Nathan must have written back. What else could it be? She never calls round at the weekend.

  Carefully, I push the door to the living room shut and pull open the front door. Joy jumps slightly as the sight of me and I try not to wince at the icy air that whips through the hallway.

  Joy’s perfect hair is tucked under a neat little hat, and she’s wearing a padded coat that wraps around her body like small purple pillows. She smiles as I meet her eye, and leans forward.

  ‘Hello, Bea,’ she says brightly. ‘How are you?’

  Instinctively, my eyes dart towards the letters in her hand. Straight away they land on the letter clasped between Joy’s fingers. I notice Nathan’
s scrawly handwriting immediately. My heart leaps into my mouth as I raise my eyes and look back at Joy.

  ‘Fine, thank you,’ I gabble, my hands gripping the door frame. ‘You?’

  ‘Yes, yes,’ Joy says, shifting her weight between her feet. ‘I’m all fine, thank you. Are you excited for Christmas?’

  ‘I—’

  ‘Hi, Joy.’

  A jolt of fear strikes through me as I hear Emma behind me. I whip my head around and see Emma pulling on her shoes. She shoots me an odd look as I feel my face flame, and I quickly look back to Joy. And then the letter.

  She can’t see it. I need to get the letter before she sees it.

  ‘Hello, Emma,’ Joy says pleasantly. ‘How are you? How did the latest batch of banana bread turn out?’

  Emma grins. ‘Yeah, all right!’ she says, as she shoves her foot into her shoe. ‘Not a patch on yours, though.’

  My eyes burn into the letter. Can I grab it? Can I reach forward and snatch it? Would they notice?

  ‘Have you got our post again?’ Emma asks, walking towards the door.

  Before I can register my actions, my arm snaps forward and grabs the two letters out of Joy’s hand. Emma blinks at me.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, trying to control my heart racing, ‘stupid post.’

  I try to laugh, but only a weird squawk emerges from my mouth.

  ‘Right,’ Emma looks at me and then back at Joy. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘thanks, Joy. We really need to speak to our postman, though. It’s madness you bringing our post round all the time.’ She laughs and picks up her keys. ‘I’m just running to the shops.’ She looks back at me, ‘Do you need anything?’

  My eyes jerk over to her as I feel a hot wave of relief.

  She’s leaving. Thank God. She’s not going to try to look at the letter. She didn’t notice.

  ‘No,’ I say. Actually, ‘Milk!’ I practically shout as Emma slips out of the door. ‘Milk. We’ve just used the last of it.’

  I watch Emma’s car roll out of the driveway before I look back at Joy. Her large eyes are blinking at me.

  I look over my shoulder to check Priya and Margot are still in the living room, and then shut the front door slightly behind me.

  ‘Thanks,’ I say, ‘for collecting our post and that. But please don’t bring it round.’ My eyes dart around her anxiously as I try to keep my voice steady. ‘I’ll come and get it, okay?’

  The last bit fires out of my mouth with more anger than I meant, and I see Joy’s wide eyes shrink.

  ‘Right,’ she says, her voice light and chipper as always. ‘I’m sorry, Bea. I know that you normally come and get it on a Tuesday, but I just thought you’d be anxious to know that he’s written back.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I say, ‘but I’ll always come and get it, okay?’

  Joy slips her hands into her coat pockets and nods. ‘Righty-o, Bea,’ she says.

  I push the door back open and step inside. ‘I’d better go, Joy,’ I say, trying to pull my taut face back into a smile. ‘Have a nice evening.’

  ‘Yes, love,’ Joy says, already turning back towards her house as I tuck the letter into my pocket, ‘you too.’

  I push the door shut and feel my cheeks pinch.

  Why has he taken so long to write back?

  ‘Has Emma gone?’

  I poke my head into the living room, my hand still firmly gripping the letter. Margot is smiling at me.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘she’s literally just gone.’

  ‘Ah,’ Margot says, ‘I want some chocolate.’ She pulls out her phone. ‘I’ll text her.’

  I turn to walk into my bedroom when Priya leans towards me.

  ‘Margot,’ she says, batting her eyes towards Margot and me, ‘have you heard Bea’s hot news?’

  I freeze, a small frisson of electricity shooting through me.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ I say, walking into the living room.

  Priya grins. ‘You think you’re so smart and elusive, Bea, but I know you.’

  I look back at her, agog.

  ‘What is it, Bea?’ Margot beams at me.

  ‘Nothing,’ I say, feeling my face prick.

  Does she know?

  Priya purses her lips at me and then flits her eyes towards Margot. ‘Bea’s got a boyfriend,’ she sings.

  At her words, my fingers coil around the letter.

  ‘What?’ I splutter. ‘No, I don’t!’

  ‘Do you?’ Margot says excitedly. ‘Who? You can tell me!’

  ‘No one,’ I say indignantly. ‘I don’t have a boyfriend.’

  ‘Yes, you do!’ Priya fires back, jabbing her finger towards me. ‘Where else have you been? She’s out almost every night, Margot.’ She looks at Margot as if she’s telling on me. ‘And she doesn’t get back until late.’

  I stare at her, feeling hot spikes of panic sprout inside me.

  Shit. She’s noticed. I didn’t think anyone would notice.

  I can’t tell her where I’ve been. She won’t understand. I’m not even sure I understand it myself.

  ‘Well?’ Priya laughs, raising her eyebrows. ‘If it’s not a boy then what is it?’

  I’ve been going to a care home to hang out with old people that I don’t know.

  I open and close my mouth as all possible excuses scuttle out of my mind.

  My eyes flit to the clock: 5.50 p.m.

  ‘Fine,’ I say in defeat ‘fine, you got me. I’m seeing someone.’

  Priya squeals and claps her hands together.

  Margot gasps. ‘Does Emma know?’ she asks.

  ‘Nobody knows!’ Priya cries. ‘This is your dirty little secret. What’s his name?’

  My mind pulls up my internal schedule. I’ve got to leave in ten minutes.

  I need to read this letter before I leave.

  ‘I’m not telling you,’ I say quickly, walking out of the living room to grab a cereal bar from the kitchen.

  Priya shouts after me, ‘Why not?’

  ‘It’s a secret,’ I say, walking out of the kitchen. ‘It’s early days. I don’t want to jinx it.’

  Priya shoots Margot a hurt look, but Margot’s calm face stifles her arguments.

  ‘We understand,’ she says in her cool, mellow voice, ‘we’re just excited for you. Being at the beginning of the relationship is the best. Everyone deserves to feel that excitement.’

  I look back at Margot, my fingers gripping the letter inside my pocket.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, feeling a small spark shoot through me, ‘I think so too.’

  *

  ‘How long has she been sat there for?’

  Jakub looks up from his stack of paperwork and follows my arm, which is stretched towards Nina, sitting in the same spot where she always sits, staring out of the window.

  Jakub slumps his shoulders in a shrugging motion, staring at the papers on his lap.

  I feel a spark of irritation.

  ‘I’m worried about her,’ I say, eyeballing Jakub. ‘She’s not okay.’

  Jakub snaps his pen and scribbles something on the paper. ‘I know.’

  This is the third day this week I’ve come to Sunfields. I’ve had my chat with Gus, and I even managed to squeeze out small talk from Sylvia.

  But Nina didn’t move. She barely even looked at me.

  ‘I’m worried about her,’ I say again, looking at Nina’s curved back.

  I’ve found out that Nathan knew Sunfields was closing. He wrote that Nina has been rehomed to a new care home, but he doesn’t know where it is.

  I don’t really know how much he cares.

  Jakub sighs and props his face in his hand. ‘What do you want from me?’ he says in a bored voice.

  ‘I want you to help her!’

  ‘She doesn’t want my help,’ Jakub says, moving his hand over to a new sheet of paper, ‘I’ve tried.’

  ‘Well, try harder.’

  The words leave my mouth before I can stop them, and Jakub finally fixes his icy-blue eyes on me. I feel a
bolt of electricity shoot through me as I stare back at him.

  ‘I don’t have time,’ he says evenly, keeping his stony eyes fixed on mine. Slowly, he pulls his eyes back down to the stack of paper and I stare back at him, my heart thumping. I turn back towards Nina, feeling my body ache as if she’s holding my heart in her small hands.

  ‘Fine,’ I say stubbornly, ‘if you won’t help her then I will.’

  I shoot Jakub a defiant look over my shoulder, but he doesn’t even acknowledge me.

  How on earth did he ever get a job here? He doesn’t seem to care about anything.

  I turn on my heel and walk towards Gus, who is bent over a newspaper.

  I don’t think I’ve seen Jakub smile once. Not even when I brought in a surprise Starbucks for him (a small attempt of bribery that went down like a lead balloon. Honestly, he acted as if I’d brought him a steaming cup of poison.)

  ‘Gus,’ I say, pulling up the spare chair next to him.

  Gus lifts his eyes from the newspaper, and peers at me through his glasses, which are resting on the bridge of his nose.

  I try not to stare as my eyes flit over to his ears.

  Christ, Gus’s ears are enormous. They’re like two hammocks hooked on the side of his face.

  I smile at him. ‘Hi.’

  I bloody hope my ears never get that big. I mean, I know your nose and ears never stop growing (hideous) and there isn’t much I can do about it.

  But his are just ridiculous.

  Why would you ever need ears that big? Like, what is he listening for?

  Don’t even get me started on my nose. Mine is already big enough to stop traffic. If it keeps growing until I’m ninety, then I’ll be snapped by David Attenborough as a rare breed of toucan.

  ‘I wanted to ask you . . .’ I say. ‘You know Nina?’

  I see Gus’s smile twitch as he nods.

  My heart buzzes in my chest as the idea swirls into my mind. I glance over to check Jakub is still buried in paperwork as I lean closer.

  ‘How well can she walk?’

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  ‘Bea?’

  I almost fall off my seat as Duncan jumps into the spare seat opposite me and swings it round in a circle like a spinning top.

  I quickly minimise my screen and blink at him, dumbfounded.