The Accidental Love Letter

by Olivia Beirne

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, reaching for my bag.

  It’s the morning of Christmas Eve. I’ve got to be at Sunfields in an hour to get everything ready.

  Priya’s face drops.

  ‘But it’s Christmas Eve!’ she whines. ‘We always spend Christmas Eve together.’

  I look at her.

  We haven’t spent Christmas Eve together in about four years.

  ‘No, we don’t,’ I say, ‘you always spend it with Josh.’

  I flinch as I hear the words leave my mouth.

  ‘Sorry,’ I add quickly, ‘sorry, I didn’t mean that. I just meant, I didn’t realise we had plans together this year.’

  I squeeze my way past Priya. She turns around and follows me.

  ‘Are you going to your boyfriend’s house?’ she snaps.

  A wave of heat scurries up my neck, but Priya doesn’t stop.

  ‘You are, aren’t you?’ she says. ‘You spend so much time with him, Bea. Why haven’t we met him? Why doesn’t he ever come here? I don’t even know his name.’

  I walk into the kitchen and I start filling up my water bottle, desperate to avoid Priya’s glare.

  ‘You will,’ I murmur, my face burning as the lie comes out of my mouth.

  I turn back to Priya who has slumped down on the sofa. I feel a pang of guilt.

  I wish I could tell her. She’d love everyone at Sunfields, they’d love her too.

  But I can’t. Not without telling her everything else. She wouldn’t understand.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say. I walk forward and pull her into a hug. ‘We’ll spend some more time together soon, I promise.’

  Priya hangs in my arms, her phone gripped tightly in her fingers.

  ‘I just miss you,’ she says in a small voice. I let go of her and she turns her face away. ‘I don’t like being here on my own.’

  I look down at her, and for a moment I feel my heart sink.

  I know that feeling.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, ‘I—’

  Priya waves her hand in front of me. ‘Don’t apologise,’ she says, shooting me a smile, ‘just because you have a life and I don’t. Anyway, I go home tonight for Christmas,’ she says. ‘I’m not back until the twenty-seventh. I think Emma has already gone. I somehow managed to get a few days off,’ she shrugs at me, ‘probably because I worked all of Christmas last year.’

  ‘Well, we’ll hang out then,’ I say. ‘Why don’t you text Emma too? We can all do something together.’

  Priya nods, keeping her eyes away from me. I pick up my bag and swing it over my shoulder, trying to squash down the guilt simmering inside me.

  ‘Bye, then,’ I shout, as I step into the frosty air and pull the front door to a close. ‘Have a nice Christmas.’

  *

  I kneel down, squinting through the small window in the oven door at the glistening turkey.

  ‘How’s it looking?’ Jakub asks, swirling a glass of red wine in his hand.

  I look up at him. He’s leaning against the kitchen counter. For the first time since we’ve met, he’s not wearing his blue overalls. Instead, he’s wearing a copper-red woollen jumper, stretched over his broad chest, and faded jeans.

  It feels a bit weird seeing him in ordinary clothes, almost like seeing a teacher outside the classroom.

  ‘Almost there,’ I say, straightening up. ‘Another half an hour or so. Right on schedule,’ I add, before I can stop myself.

  Jakub smiles as I hear Nina laugh loudly from the living room.

  ‘So what was Christmas here like last year?’ I ask, picking up my own drink. ‘Did you have a big meal?’

  Jakub nods. ‘Oh yeah,’ he says, ‘we had all the residents here, and some of the nurses. There were about thirty of us, all in all.’

  ‘Wow!’ I say. ‘Thirty? I wouldn’t want to cook a roast dinner for thirty.’

  Christ, imagine peeling all of those potatoes!

  Jakub laughs lightly. ‘We had help.’

  ‘So,’ I say, ‘you had thirty people here last year? How many of them were residents?’

  Jakub’s smile drops slightly. ‘Twenty-two.’

  I look back at him, my heart twanging.

  Nineteen people. In the last year, nineteen people have left.

  The microwave dings and I look round as Jakub pulls the door open. A sweet scent of mince pies drifts into the space between us and he hands them to me proudly.

  ‘Right,’ I say, ‘time for more mince pies, then?’

  Jakub nods and we walk back into the living room. Gus insisted on pulling the crackers before we did anything else, and now has an emerald-green paper hat at a lopsided angle on his square head. Nina is sitting next to him, laughing as he reads a joke off a small, crumpled piece of paper, and Sylvia has her head in her book, again.

  ‘Anyone for a mince pie?’ Jakub asks.

  ‘Oh, go on then!’ Nina says, a smile stretching across her doughy face.

  I shake my head as Jakub holds the plate towards me, and then I look towards Sylvia. My heart fizzes as I reach into my bag.

  ‘Oh,’ I say, ‘Sylvia, here is your Christmas present.’

  I pick up the large box and place it on the table next to her with a light thud. Sylvia looks up in surprise.

  ‘A Christmas present?’ she repeats. ‘Who is it from?’

  I sit down in the seat next to her. ‘Me,’ I say, heat rising up my body.

  Sylvia looks around the room, her milky face pinched.

  ‘But you—’

  ‘Just open it,’ I say, pushing the present closer to her. ‘It’s only something small.’

  Sylvia hesitates for moment, and then reaches her hands over to the box. Slowly, she tears the bright wrapping paper, her green eyes squinting behind her glasses, until the paper falls away. I hear a small gasp escape from her mouth as she reads the words printed on the box. As I watch her, a smile spreads across my face.

  ‘The complete works of the Brontë sisters,’ she says softly.

  ‘It’s all the books!’ I say happily, my heart swelling with pride. ‘I thought you might like to read some more.’

  Sylvia looks up at me, her eyes still wide.

  ‘Maybe we could read one together,’ I add.

  Sylvia looks back down at the books and runs her hand across all the neat spines. I watch her, my heart beating rapidly in my chest.

  ‘Thank you,’ she says, her voice soft, ‘I will cherish this.’

  ‘Sylvie?’

  I look round at Gus, who is holding a piece of paper away from his face and squinting.

  ‘Here’s one for you. Who delivers presents to dogs? Santa Paws!’

  Nina laughs and I smile at Gus, who winks at Sylvia. A small smile lights up Sylvia’s face.

  ‘Why is that one for you?’ I ask. ‘Did you have a dog?’

  I look round stupidly, as if there’s a Staffordshire bull terrier who has been living here all along.

  Sylvia is still smiling. ‘Yes,’ she says, ‘his name was Bruno. Great big thing. He loved the sea.’

  I frown. ‘The sea?’

  I’d always assumed Sylvia had lived all her life in London.

  Sylvia tucks her hands back neatly into her lap. ‘Cornwall,’ she says, ‘I used to go down there for my holidays. Bruno loved it. Silly old thing.’

  ‘Cornwall is the best place to go,’ Gus says, dropping his cracker on the floor, ‘it soothes the soul. Was it Falmouth, Sylvie?’

  Sylvia nods.

  I open my mouth to reply when I hear the front door swing open. My heart leaps as my eyes fly towards Gus.

  They’re here.

  ‘Be right back,’ I mutter, getting to my feet and scurrying through to reception. Excitement bubbles in the pit of my stomach as I turn the corner and see a man wrestling with a small child. He’s standing next to a woman with cropped, dark hair and a toddler on her hip. She’s holding another small boy by the hand. Although I’ve never met either of them before, I recognise Sam’s square jaw insta
ntly.

  ‘Hi.’ I step forward, holding out my hand. ‘Sam and Elaine?’

  Elaine looks up and smiles, shaking my hand. ‘Yeah, are you Bea?’

  I nod. ‘Thank you for coming. He’ll be so—’

  ‘Grandpa Gus!’ one of the boys shouts, fighting against his dad’s restraint. ‘Where is Grandpa Gus?’

  I blink down at the child. He has pale skin and large, wonky teeth that stick out of his pink gums. His blue eyes shine up at me and I can’t help but grin.

  ‘He’s just through here,’ I say, ‘I’ll show you.’

  As I step back, I suddenly feel a flutter of nerves.

  Should I have warned Gus about this?

  Before I can speak, the young boy escapes from his dad’s clutches and races past me. I chase after him, but before I can stop him he’s leapt through the living room and on to Gus’s lap.

  My hands fly up to my mouth.

  Oh Christ! He could give Gus a heart attack doing that!

  ‘Grandpa Gus!’ the boy squeals. ‘Grandpa Gus! It’s me, Tommy!’

  Gus’s smile is wiped off his face as he stares at Tommy in amazement. Slowly, he looks round to Sam and Elaine and the two other children.

  ‘Hi, Dad,’ Sam says, stepping forward. ‘Merry Christmas.’

  ‘What . . .’ Gus manages, his voice barely audible, ‘what are you doing here?’

  Tommy clings with his arms around Gus’s neck like a monkey, and I quickly move a chair for Elaine to sit on.

  ‘We were told you were having a Christmas meal today,’ Sam says, ‘and we wanted to come.’

  Gus flicks his eyes up to me and I feel my heart do a somersault.

  ‘Would anyone like a drink?’

  I look up and see Jakub, who has reappeared, a Santa hat perched jauntily on his head. He hooks his arm over my shoulder jovially and I feel myself laugh.

  Elaine and Sam murmur their responses and I notice Sylvia has placed her hand on Gus’s arm.

  ‘So,’ Elaine looks up at me, bouncing a small child on her knee. ‘Do you work here,’ she asks, ‘or are you family?’

  My smile wavers. I open my mouth to speak when I feel Nina wrap her hand around my arm.

  ‘She’s family.’

  And in that moment, it is as though the creature inside me doesn’t exist. In that moment, I finally feel like I belong.

  I have a family again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  I hop off the bus, the damp air clinging to me as I step on to the pavement. I’ve barely been outside for the past three days. Except for popping out to get some milk, I haven’t left Sunfields at all. Jakub let me stay in one of the spare rooms, and we didn’t have any reason to leave. We spent the days talking, cooking meals and Gus even taught us all how to play bridge. Sylvia won, just like she said she would.

  I turn into my street and notice Joy’s house is in darkness next to ours. I frown.

  That’s weird. Joy never has the lights off in the day.

  Maybe she ended up going away for Christmas, after all.

  I walk towards my house, spotting the living room lights on and Emma and Priya’s shadows.

  I push the door open, my keys still in my hand.

  ‘Hello?’ I shout, kicking the door shut behind me.

  I cannot wait to have a shower. The shower in the room at Sunfields was barely more than a dribble and their heating is always so abnormally high, I feel as if I’ve lost half my body weight in sweat.

  ‘Hi, Bea,’ Emma says. ‘Can you come in here, please?’

  I drop my bag in the hallway, the stillness in the house making me feel nervous.

  Why?

  I walk into the living room, trying to keep myself upbeat.

  ‘Hey,’ I say, as I see Priya and Emma sitting next to each other on the sofa, ‘how was your Christ—’

  The words die in my throat as my eyes fall down to Emma’s lap and I spot my letters. The letters from Nathan.

  My letters.

  Panic splits through me and I feel my legs lock.

  What are they doing with my letters?

  ‘Where . . .’ I manage, my voice hoarse, ‘where did you get . . .?’

  Emma looks at Priya, and then back at me.

  ‘Bea,’ she says slowly, ‘did you write back to that man?’

  I stare at her, my heart thundering in my chest as everything crashes down around my ears.

  They know. They’ve found out.

  ‘Come here,’ Priya says, reaching forward and pulling me on to the sofa. ‘It’s okay, Bea.’

  She puts her hand on my leg but I feel nothing. Fear is whipping up my body as I stare at the letters, paralysed, desperate to snatch them out of Emma’s hands and run away with them.

  They’ve found out. They know my terrible lie. It’s all over.

  ‘Bea,’ Emma says again, ‘did you write back to that man in prison?’

  Priya’s grip on my leg tightens. ‘It’s okay,’ she says quietly, ‘we’re not mad. You can tell us.’

  Very slowly, I nod. I move my head and I feel my body crumple as the creature inside me flexes its claws.

  ‘How many times?’ Emma asks, fanning the letters in front of her. ‘I mean, shit, Bea. There are so many letters here. There are about ten. Did you write back every time?’

  My body starts to twitch as my eyes fill with burning tears. I nod again.

  ‘But why?’ Priya says quietly. ‘We don’t understand.’

  Of course they don’t. Nobody would understand.

  Priya and Emma stare at me, waiting for me to answer. I look down at my hands, twisting them together as my face stings.

  They would never understand.

  ‘Like,’ Emma pulls out a letter, ‘he’s writing as if he knows you, he’s talking about things you used to do together and that he loves you and stuff.’ She holds a letter up incredulously. ‘Do you know him?’

  ‘Have you been to see him?’ Priya asks.

  I shake my head. ‘No,’ I say quietly, my face burning with humiliation as I wait for them to piece it all together.

  Emma looks down at the letters, and then slowly looks back at me. Her voice is low, and hearing her words out loud makes me feel as though I could die.

  ‘Have you been pretending to be her?’ she says slowly. ‘This girl. This “B” person?’

  ‘Is that where you’ve been?’ Priya says suddenly, turning to face me. ‘All this time, when you said you’ve been with your boyfriend? Have you been with him?’

  ‘No,’ I say quickly, holding on to this sliver of truth. ‘No, I haven’t.’

  ‘Well,’ Priya says, exasperated, ‘where have you been? We don’t understand, Bea.’

  I open my mouth, my throat tightening as anxiety grips my body. I can’t lie to them any more. I have to tell them the truth.

  ‘I’ve been at Sunfields Care Home,’ I say quietly. ‘Nathan’s nan lives there. He asked me to check that she was okay.’

  Emma stares at me.

  ‘How long ago was that?’ she breathes.

  ‘I don’t know. About a month ago.’

  ‘But,’ Priya says, ‘you’ve been away loads. Is that where you’ve been going all the time?’

  I stare down at my hands, trying to fight the tears that are threatening to spill over. I nod.

  ‘But,’ Priya says again, struggling to hide her bewilderment, ‘why?’

  ‘They’re my friends.’

  The words leave my mouth before they pass through my brain. I blink away the tears that are welling at the corners of my eyes.

  Emma blinks at me.

  ‘Bea,’ she says softly, ‘I don’t understand. Why have you been hanging out with old people and writing to a criminal? I don’t get it. Where has this come from? Why would you do this?’

  Because they listen to me. Because they like to see me. Because they make me feel wanted.

  I bite my lip, my head hanging low.

  Priya squeezes my leg. ‘Are you still writing to him?
’

  I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my chest and I push the back of my hand against my wet eyes.

  Emma leans forward, her elbows resting on her knees. ‘Bea,’ she says firmly, ‘you can’t write back to this man any more. You can’t keep pretending to be someone you’re not. You’re messing with people’s lives here.’

  Her words cue the creature to rip through my body, tearing at the back of my eyes and squeezing my heart.

  I never meant to hurt anyone.

  ‘You need to stop this,’ she continues. ‘I’m sorry if you don’t feel like we’ve been there for you. But you can’t keep this up. It’s not normal. It’s not right.’

  Priya looks between me and Emma desperately.

  ‘Look,’ she says, ‘why don’t I make us a tea? We can sit in and watch the Strictly Christmas Special like we said. I don’t want this to ruin our evening.’ She turns back to me. ‘We’re sorry, Bea. We don’t want to upset you. We just want you to be happy.’

  Priya squeezes my leg and nods at Emma, who walks into the kitchen and sticks the open kettle under a jet of water.

  I shoot Priya a half-smile as I feel my body fold in on itself, and every spark of happiness inside me dies.

  It’s over, then. It’s really over.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  I hang my heavy head in my hands. My temples are throbbing with the thoughts that are spinning around my mind as I hear the office kettle whir in the background. My eyes squint around at the bright lights, stinging as I try to keep them open.

  The entire street was in darkness this morning – not even Joy’s house was lit up – and Priya and Emma don’t go back to work yet.

  My phone vibrates in my hand. I turn it over and read a text from Emma.

  Hi girls, how about this as a fun getaway? If we book this month then it’s a third off?

  My heart sinks as I lock my phone.

  Priya and Emma went back to acting as if everything was completely normal, and ended up suggesting that we all book a weekend away to spend some quality time together. It took all of my energy not to sit and cry.

  I’m going to go back to Sunfields one final time to say goodbye. I can’t leave Nina without that.