The Accidental Love Letter

by Olivia Beirne

  I look down at my tea, feeling my heart swell.

  ‘I know,’ I say quietly, ‘I’ve messed all that up.’

  Joy frowns at me. ‘Why?’

  ‘Oh,’ I shrug, ‘it’s a long story.’

  I can’t tell Joy what I’ve done. Telling Joy would mean reliving every detail. I can’t bear to think of the looks on Gus and Sylvia’s faces when they met the real B. I can’t think of what it would have done to Nina.

  They really let me into their lives, and I tricked them.

  ‘Argh!’

  I almost fall off my seat as Joy screams, staring out of the window.

  ‘What?’ I cry, reaching forward. ‘What’s wrong? Is it your knees? Do they hurt?’

  I stare at Joy desperately, and then I realise she’s looking behind me.

  ‘What?’ I cry, turning round. ‘What is—’

  My heart stops as I spot Jakub, glaring through the window. His angular face is screwed up into a look of thunder and his icy eyes are locked on me.

  He looks like he wants to kill me. Again.

  Although I guess it’s understandable, this time.

  ‘Oh Christ,’ I mutter, feeling my heart rate slow down. ‘It’s all right, Joy,’ I say, trying to comfort her as she gawps out of the window. ‘I know he looks like a serial killer but he is my friend.’

  ‘Is that the man from prison?’ Joy whispers, glancing around the room as if he’s come to steal her collection of ceramic chickens.

  ‘No!’ I roll my eyes. ‘He’s a carer at the home.’

  Jakub taps on the window. I glance back and notice he’s still staring at me.

  Good God, he’s rude. I mean, he’s literally standing on someone’s front garden, trampling all over Joy’s precious daisies with no regard whatsoever.

  Can’t he see I’m with someone? What does he want?

  How does he know where I live?

  ‘I’ll be right back, Joy,’ I say, placing my tea on the coffee table. ‘He won’t come in,’ I add, as I notice a look of fear flash across her face.

  I make my way through the hall and pull the door open. Jakub glowers at me.

  ‘What are you doing?’ he snaps, his Polish accent thicker than I’ve ever heard it.

  I look back at him blankly.

  ‘What?’ I say, trying to keep my voice strong.

  ‘Where have you been?’ he says, his voice harsh. ‘You said you’d help, and it’s been days.’

  His voice rises above the whir of traffic and I pull Joy’s door shut behind me.

  Bloody hell, it’s cold. Why didn’t I grab a coat?

  ‘You’ve done exactly what you said you wouldn’t do,’ Jakub says, pointing a finger at me. ‘You came and then left without saying goodbye. They need you. You’re being selfish.’

  I stare at him, bewildered.

  What is he talking about? Doesn’t he know?

  ‘Jakub,’ I say, exasperated, ‘it’s over. Didn’t Nina tell you? B came to see her. They don’t need me, they need her.’

  Jakub blinks at me, his face unchanging.

  ‘Who?’

  I roll my eyes. ‘B!’ I say. ‘I’m not Bea. It was all a lie, all right? It’s over.’

  Jakub looks at me like I’m speaking in Latin.

  ‘Your name is not Bea?’

  Oh, for God’s sake.

  ‘No!’ I cry. ‘Well, yes. It is Bea. But I’m not Nathan’s ex-girlfriend. She turned up the other day. That’s who Nina really wants. That’s who should be there.’

  Jakub stares at me, dumbfounded.

  ‘That girl with the,’ he moves his hand around his shoulders, ‘with the red hair?’

  ‘Yup,’ I say, trying to ignore the anxiety swirling around inside me.

  Jakub frowns. ‘What about her?’

  ‘She’s who you want!’ I cry, throwing my arms into the air in frustration. ‘Not me. It’s all a lie.’

  Jakub looks behind him, as if B has followed him up the path.

  ‘Her?’ he says. ‘Why would we want her? She came once and then left. She was there for five minutes.’

  I blink at him.

  She left?

  ‘We don’t care about her,’ Jakub says, ‘we want you. But you are too selfish, like I knew you would be.’

  He tosses his arm at me, as if he’s flicking a bug off his skin, and I feel myself snap.

  ‘I’m not selfish!’ I cry, stepping out on to the path and wincing as the icy cold penetrates my socks. ‘I wanted to come back, I desperately wanted to see them, I—’

  ‘Well, then, why didn’t you?’ Jakub says, cutting across me. ‘Why have you been hiding here in your house?’

  I flounder.

  ‘I . . .’ I stumble. ‘I didn’t think they’d want to see me.’

  Jakub moves closer to me, and his icy eyes lock on to mine.

  ‘Bea,’ he says firmly, ‘they need to see you.’

  I stare up at him.

  ‘You need to come back.’

  I feel my heart pound in my ears. ‘I don’t know if I can,’ I say.

  At this, Jakub grips my shoulders with his large hands and leans forward so our faces are inches apart. I feel myself involuntarily hold my breath.

  Oh my God, what’s he doing?

  ‘This isn’t about you,’ he says, his voice softening, ‘it’s about them.’

  I blink as he lets me go, feeling as if I could melt into a puddle.

  ‘We’re going,’ he says. ‘Tell your friend.’

  He gestures at Joy and turns to leave.

  I grab his arm. ‘Wait,’ I say, ‘there’s something I need to do first.’

  *

  I turn the letters over between my hands, my heart pounding in my chest.

  Is this a good idea? I don’t even know any more.

  ‘Are you sure this is where she lives?’

  Jakub interrupts my thoughts and I look across at him. His long arms are draped over the steering wheel and he’s looking at me from under a baseball cap.

  Honestly, who wears a baseball cap on New Year’s Eve?

  ‘No,’ I say, my insides squirming, ‘but it’s the only address I have for her. She left a forwarding address.’

  I don’t know how I didn’t think of it sooner. Mum kept all of her tenants’ forwarding addresses in a neat filing cabinet, which is still in our living room. I barely even notice it’s there now, we use it as a DVD stand.

  Me, Priya and Emma only moved into this house after Mum died. Her last tenant, a young mother with a baby, moved to Shropshire and suddenly the house was empty. The house was left to me, and living there almost felt like I had another piece of Mum with me.

  But B moved out years ago.

  I inch my body closer to the car window, focusing my eyes on the small house in front of me. The house is made of red brick, with a smart, shiny front door. It’s a modern two-up-two-down, and I can see the lights on a skinny Christmas tree flickering through the front window.

  As soon as I spoke to Mum, I knew what I had to do. It’s funny, I’ve always been so desperate for Mum to answer her phone and speak to me that sometimes I don’t even listen to what she has to say. I can still hear her voice. Even though she isn’t here, I still know what she’d tell me to do.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  I look round at Jakub. He’s stuffed into the driver’s seat like a teenager crammed into a toy car. His back is arched over and his icy blue eyes are looking at me. My stomach twinges and I nod.

  He is way too big for this car. He must be about six foot four.

  Are all Polish men that tall?

  ‘Do you know what you’re going to do?’

  I feel a stab of panic in my chest.

  No. I have no idea. How can I say to a stranger that I’ve been pretending to be her for the past five weeks? That I’ve been writing letters to her ex-boyfriend, and signing her name at the bottom?

  How do you say that to someone without sounding mad?

  I hear a high-pit
ched ping and I look round at Jakub, who pulls out his phone. His expression flickers.

  ‘What?’ I say.

  He shakes his head, unlocking his phone with a swipe of his finger.

  ‘My flights,’ he says. ‘It’s just check-in information.’

  My stomach flips over.

  ‘Flights?’ I repeat.

  He’s going back. Of course he is.

  Jakub looks up from his phone. ‘Yeah,’ he says.

  I look away.

  ‘You’re really going, then?’ I say, my face prickling as I force the words out.

  I’ve been so focused on what’s going to happen to Nina, Gus and Sylvia, I’d almost forgotten that Jakub would be leaving too.

  I feel a strange tightness around my heart.

  ‘Yeah,’ Jakub says, ‘tomorrow, just to look and see if I could move back there.’

  He shoots me a half-hearted grin and shrugs, and I try to smile back.

  I don’t want him to go.

  I look back at B’s house, feeling heat ripple up through my body.

  ‘Right,’ Jakub says, pushing his phone back into his pocket, ‘are you going in? I’ve left Sylvia in charge, but we need to go back.’

  I feel a jolt of nerves shoot through my chest.

  ‘Don’t think about it too much,’ Jakub says, folding his arms back against the steering wheel.

  For a moment, we just look at each other. I reach forward and unclip my seat belt, my hands gripping Nathan’s letters.

  I step out of the car, raindrops splattering across my face as I walk down to the drive. I glance down at the stack of letters in my hand, all tied together with a piece of string, with the two most recent ones staring boldly up at me. One is addressed to Bea, the other to Nathan.

  As I reach the front door, I tip the letters through the letter box and feel as though my heart has been posted with them.

  The last letter I will ever write to him.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  I look down at my phone as a text from Jakub pops up on my screen.

  Gus wants some brandy.

  I laugh as I tap a reply and then click back on to Instagram as I walk towards Tesco. Immediately, a photo of Faye pops up on my screen. She’s wearing a tiny green dress and has one arm pointed in the air, the other holding a fancy cocktail as she stands in a crowded bar. I look down at the bottom corner.

  Uploaded five minutes ago.

  137 likes.

  I grab a trolley and push my way through the sliding doors, making my way straight to the alcohol section.

  Well, I guess it is nearly 8 p.m. on New Year’s Eve. I suppose everyone else is out, having a great time.

  I reach the alcohol aisle and look around.

  God, I can’t believe I’m responsible for buying Gus’s brandy when I know nothing about it. Which brandy is good? I don’t even know where I’d find it. I mean, I know it’s definitely not a beer, but, like, is it a spirit?

  Why can’t the alcohol aisle just be in alphabetical order?

  I scan all of the posh bottles and feel my eyes widen.

  Thirty pounds! Thirty pounds for a bottle of brandy!

  I look around the rest of the aisle.

  Is that the normal price of a bottle of brandy? Are they all that expensive? Or is this brand actually quite cheap?

  I don’t want to get Gus a really terrible bottle of brandy by mistake.

  I reach out and grab a plump bottle, shining with oak-coloured liquid.

  Thirty-five pounds. That’ll do.

  I drop it in my trolley and push it down the aisle.

  It’s a good thing I like Gus, there aren’t many people I’d buy a thirty-five-pound bottle of alcohol for.

  I turn the trolley into the crisps aisle.

  Right. Snacks. Nina wants to share a bottle of red wine with Sylvia, Jakub will be having some beers and I’ll probably stick to Baileys, but we’ll all definitely want some snacks.

  I start plucking large packets of crisps from the shelves.

  And some dips too. Who doesn’t love a dip with . . .

  I pause as I notice a girl crouched by the bottom shelf. Her hair is piled up on top of her head and she’s dressed in an old tracksuit. I step forward, my heart pulsing. I know that girl.

  What is she doing here?

  Before I can register any second thoughts, I step towards her.

  ‘Faye?’ I say, as I reach out.

  Faye jerks up to standing, her wide eyes glaring at me. She opens her mouth, as if she’s preparing to lash out at me and I look back at her, realisation dawning.

  ‘What?’ Faye snaps, her voice thick with anger. ‘What are you doing here? Did you follow me? What’s wrong with you? What . . .’ She trails off as the anger evaporates and, suddenly, with no warning, she bursts into tears.

  All of the hatred I ever felt for her vanishes, and I reach forward and pull her into a hug.

  She’s not out with her friends tonight.

  Maybe we have more in common than I thought.

  *

  I push a cup of coffee towards Faye, who presses the back of her hand against her bloodshot eyes.

  ‘Thanks,’ she grunts.

  I smile, cradling my own cup between my hands as I look around the twenty-four-hour coffee shop. There are only three other people in here. One large man, with a big coffee and a panini, and two girls who keep whispering in the corner as though they’re both undercover.

  Maybe they are.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I ask, looking back at Faye. She’s slumped against the back of her chair and is glaring out of the window. I see her eyes spark at my question.

  ‘Yeah,’ she snaps, ‘of course I am.’

  I look back down at my coffee.

  Right. Of course she is.

  I glance at the large wall clock and I feel a twitch of impatience: 8.32 p.m. I need to get going soon or they’ll wonder where I am. This is the last night in Sunfields, and I want to be there for as long as possible.

  This thought causes my throat to swell.

  I don’t want to ever leave.

  I take a sip of my coffee, trying not to wince as it singes the back of my throat. Faye clocks me, and then looks straight back out of the window.

  ‘Sorry,’ she mutters, her face contorted.

  I blink at her.

  ‘Sorry?’ I repeat.

  ‘I shouldn’t have taken your story,’ she says. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

  My hands tighten around my mug as I feel a stab of irritation.

  ‘Well, then, why did you?’ I ask evenly, keeping my eyes fixed on her.

  Faye’s eyes continue to glare out of the window, and for a second, I think she might ignore my question.

  ‘I’ve said I’m sorry, all right?’ she snaps.

  I feel my body flinch.

  Fine.

  ‘Right,’ I say, putting my coffee down on the table and my phone in my bag. ‘Right, well, I’d better—’

  ‘Wait,’ Faye reaches across, her eyes finally looking directly at me.

  I pause, waiting for her to say something else. She opens her mouth, as if the words are battling their way out, and then her mouth closes again.

  My body sinks back into the seat and I let go of my phone. Faye links her fingers together, and although she’s looking away from me again, I can see them shining.

  ‘I’m not a good person,’ she says quietly.

  ‘What?’ I say instinctively. ‘Of course you are.’

  Of course she’s not.

  ‘No,’ Faye shakes her head, ‘I’m not. I’m selfish. That’s why I don’t have any friends.’

  I pause.

  ‘You were so good with Duncan,’ Faye mumbles, twisting her hands together. ‘I didn’t even know what to do.’

  My heart pangs.

  ‘Well,’ I shrug, ‘I knew what it was.’

  We drop back into silence and I take another sip of coffee.

  How can she say that she doesn’t have any
friends?

  I watch Faye and notice how her shoulders cave into her body and her eyes, normally thick with make-up, are bare and raw.

  Has she been like this the whole time? Have I just not noticed?

  ‘Why don’t you like me?’

  My eyes fly up to Faye in shock.

  ‘What?’ I say, my face hot. ‘Of course I like you.’

  Faye shakes her head, her eyes still glued to her coffee. ‘No,’ she says, ‘you don’t. I can tell. You never want me to talk to you. You always want me to leave.’

  I feel my mouth drop open, bewildered.

  She actually wanted a conversation with me? That was her trying to be my friend?

  ‘I didn’t think you meant it,’ I manage.

  Faye cocks her head to the side, small red circles forming on her pale cheeks.

  ‘Well, I do,’ she says quietly.

  ‘Right.’

  I tighten my hands around my coffee, ignoring the heat against my skin as guilt brews inside me.

  I can’t believe I had her so wrong.

  ‘I’m sorry I stole your story,’ Faye says again, finally focusing her shining eyes on me.

  I feel my eyes burn as I stare back at her.

  ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t your friend.’

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  I push my way through the door, the hot, sweet scent filling my nostrils and forcing a wide smile on to my face.

  I can’t believe I used to hate that smell. My heart races as I walk through to the living room. I haven’t seen any of them since I ran from the home.

  ‘Bea?’ I hear Gus call from the living room. ‘Is that you?’

  As I walk into the living room I spot Gus, sitting in his usual chair. Sylvia has her hand on his arm and Nina is by the table, a small glass of red wine next to her. I smile at Jakub, who is standing by the CD player. He walks straight up to me and wraps his arms around me in a hug.

  I look around at their smiling faces.

  They don’t look angry. Why don’t they look angry?

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, pulling the brandy out of the carrier bag, ‘I’ve brought a peace offering.’

  I put the brandy on the table and smile.

  Gus frowns at me. ‘Peace offering?’ he repeats. ‘What for?’

  I feel the creature stir inside me, flexing its claws, as I look back at Gus’s kind face.