Succubus Lord 12

by Eric Vall

  “Fine,” I conceded with my arms up in defeat, “she’s Patrick Bateman, then. But I don’t see it. Ariel is fucking amazing.”

  “Of course, you think that, Jakey,” Todd sighed, “you let her diddle your fiddle. Just watch out, bro … If she starts flexing and looking at herself in the mirror while you’re sloppin’ the hogs, get outta there ASAP!”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” I said as I rolled my eyes and turned back to the task at hand.

  Ariel, Daniel, and Cupi had been hard at work for the last few months. Ariel would build badass new weapons and armor, and then Daniel and Cupi would test them out during training exercises here in the coliseum. They’d been at it for some time, and now it was time to see if all that training would pay off.

  “Today is a glorious day, my friends,” the blond-haired Shade, Daniel, announced as he stepped forward on the stage. “King Ralston has just informed me that, after months of blood, sweat, and tears, after all the insane effort we’ve put into our training regiments … we are finally going into battle!”

  Cheers, hoots, and hollers rang out from the crowd, but Cupi quickly silenced them with a wave of her hand.

  It was almost kinda eerie how obedient they were to the Sister of Greed.

  “Thank you” Cupi nodded.

  “My brothers and sisters,” Daniel began, “we are to march into the Sixth Circle and lay waste to our enemy’s domain. Then we shall push forth through to the Eighth Circle, where we will bring down our greatest enemy once and for all!”

  “Notice he didn’t mention the Seventh Circle?” Todd whispered obnoxiously. “He’s totally forgetting about Abbadabadingdong.”

  “We’ll deal with Abbadon when we get there,” I explained to the imp at my side, “for now, let’s just let the Shades savor the moment.”

  “Now,” Cupiditas explained from above, “we have long practiced techniques on how to take down the Daeva and any of the zombified Shades Gressil can create. But today, we’re going to go for the big guns themselves. That’s right … today we’re going to practice techniques that will take down Gressil and Beelzebub themselves.”

  There were hushed murmurs all throughout the coliseum. The Shades knew they would eventually have to face off against these two Demon Kings and their armies, but they probably hadn’t given much thought to the idea of tangoing with either of the bastards one-on-one.

  But they had to be prepared. If we wanted to take these guys down once and for all, we were going to have to throw everything we had at them.

  If that meant a lone Shade delivering the killing blow instead of me, so be it.

  “Gressil likes to keep his opponents at a distance, and he very rarely does his own dirty work,” Cupi explained. “So, if you find yourself going up against him, be ready for freezing spells, bolts of red Hellfire, and, of course, mind-controlled zombies. As far as Beelzebub goes … it’s all about breaking through his impenetrable wings. The Lord of the Flies will also try to keep you at bay with his Hellfire arrows, so agility is a must.”

  “That means we’re going to start out with a little exercise in what I like to call ‘dodge and strike,’” Ariel took over. “It’s pretty easy, actually. It’s also a great cardio, strength, and endurance exercise, so that should brighten up everybody’s day!”

  “She totally listens to Huey Lewis and the News,” Todd shuddered. “Don’t let her anywhere near an axe, bro.”

  “Alright,” Daniel clapped, and then motioned to both sides of the coliseum, “let’s split into groups and begin.”

  “I call Jakey!” Todd exclaimed as he slapped me harshly on the back. “It’s gonna be like Mr. Henson’s gym class all over again, bro. Only this time, the Toddster gets to pick his team, and I ain’t gonna be picking myself last. You know why?”

  “Because you don’t want to relive those painful memories?” I joked.

  “Painful memories?” Todd scoffed, “Whatcha talkin’ about, Jakey? The best of the best always get picked last, bro. I just wanted you to feel special for once.”

  “Right … ” I laughed as I leaned over to Cupiditas and Daniel. “So, what exactly do we need to do here?”

  “It’s as simple as it sounds,” Cupi reiterated. “One of you will pretend to be Gressil and hurl fireballs at the other, while the person getting attacked tries to reach your position. I want you to work on your speed and agility the most, so I’m going to ban you from utilizing your green or purple Hellfire as a shield.”

  “Well, that’s no fun,” I retorted with a sly smile. “I don’t think Gressil is gonna call me out for cheating if I kick his ass with slow, old-fashioned attacks.”

  “Of course not,” the blonde succubus agreed, “but this is all about fine-tuning your physical skills. Who knows? There may come a day where you can’t use your powers the way you normally do.”

  “That’ll be the day,” I chuckled.

  “Sounds like a great set-up for a sequel, Cupi,” Todd snickered and then motioned for me to follow him off the stage. “Come on, Jakey. I’ll pitch and you catch.”

  All four of us up on the stage stood there and waited for Todd’s trusty “no homo.” But it never came.

  The imp must not have realized what he said, but it gave us all a hearty giggle.

  “I’m coming, bro,” I called out as I shot a wink to my three friends, “I wouldn’t want you throwing your balls at anyone else.”

  “Brooooooooo,” Todd groaned, “you’re too young to be doing dad jokes.”

  I snickered and followed the imp across the sandy ground, all the way over to the right quadrant of the arena. Before us stood a regulation-sized wrestling ring, complete with ropes and a handful of hidden weapons underneath. Instantly, I recognized this as the place where Todd held his monthly “royal rumbles” with the Shades.

  Of course, he brought me here.

  “Are we really going to train in a wrestling ring?” I questioned as I watched the tiny red-skinned imp flutter up between the ropes.

  “Where else are we gonna train?” he retorted matter-of-factly. “Besides, this place is totally thematically appropriate.”

  “How so?” I asked, and then I hoisted myself up into the ring.

  I hadn’t ever been in a wrestling ring before, but it felt about the same as I expected it to feel. The mat beneath my feet was somewhat spongey, and it seemed like I was lightly bouncing with each step I took. The ropes were rubbery with a hard, taut fiber of some sort underneath, and the entire place reeked of literal blood, sweat, and tears.

  “You ready for this, bro?” Todd chuckled. “I’ll go first, but I got a little twist for ya … ”

  “Oh no,” I sighed, “what are you gonna--”

  Before I could even finish my inquiry, Todd fluttered up into the air and began to wave his hand back and forth in front of his face.

  “You can’t see me, bitch!” the imp cackled as he turned invisible.

  So, that was Todd’s game. He thought he could get the best of me by turning invisible and then assaulting me with fireballs out of the blue.

  My little imp friend was in for a rude awakening.

  No green or purple Hellfire to block the attacks? No problem.

  The first series of fireballs came from behind me, and I spun out of the way just as they came crashing down on my position. I summoned red Hellfire into my hand to return fire at Todd, but then I remembered the point of this exercise.

  I needed to get close enough to my attacker to “take him out” by hand.

  “Not so tough without your long-range attacks, are ya, bro?” Todd prodded from somewhere above my position.

  I ducked down as three more snowball-sized fireballs zipped past my head, and then I spun around and took a swing at the air behind me. My fist caught nothing but wind, and I had to quickly tuck and roll forward as another flurry of fireballs rained down upon me.

  “He’s on fiiiiirrrrreeee!” the imp’s disembodied voice cackled as it traveled through the air around me.

/>   I focused my thoughts and tried to pay attention to the sound of my environment.

  I’d never fought an invisible opponent before, and it was way harder than it looked. I could see why Todd loved using this power so fucking much, even if half the time it was just so he could spy on “hot babes.”

  I summoned red Hellfire into my fist, spun around, and punched at the sky where I thought I’d heard the swish of wind.

  “Ohhhhh, so close!” Todd’s voice giggled. “Hey Jakey, are you my credit score? Because you’re about to be torched!”

  I felt the intensity of Todd’s attack as it manifested in his tiny hands. There was a searing-hot heat that appeared just off to my right, but I was able to fall to the ground and avoid the point-blank projectiles.

  “Ya know,” I mused as I rolled forward and hopped back to my feet, “you talk a lotta shit for an imp who hasn’t landed a single blow.”

  I quickly racked my brain as I tried to think of another way to even up the odds. I couldn’t use my green or purple Hellfire as a shield or deterrent, but all of my other powers were still on the table.

  Maybe I could blind Todd with a flash of Divine Light? No … that would knock him off-guard, but it wouldn’t reveal his position. Perhaps I could use my silver flames to command the ropes of the ring to attack him? Would my magic spells know where to go, even if I couldn’t see my opponent with my eyes?

  Then it hit me.

  I couldn’t use my green Hellfire as a shield to block the assault, but Cupi didn’t say anything about using it as its own offensive attack.

  I hopped backward just as another basketball-sized fireball struck the ground, and then I made my move.

  I summoned green Hellfire into one hand, called forth yellow flames in the other, and then clapped them both together with determination. Then, I lowered my makeshift meat hammer and tossed a handful of green and yellow shuriken into the sky.

  Normally, my shuriken would have simply shot straight up in a line. However, these ones were enchanted with a bit of emerald telekinetic fire. So, instead of spewing in a singular direction, I commanded the tiny blades to swarm the entire area around me like a hive of angry bees.

  The tiny, lime-colored projectiles shot around my position and nearly covered the entire ring in their glow.

  Then I drew first blood.

  “Yeeeoowww!” Todd yelped. “Easy with the merchandise, bro!”

  That was all I needed. Todd was pinned down by my deadly, locust-like projectiles, and I knew exactly where he was.

  In one quick motion, I called forth my silver Hellfire, liquified the metal inside of the ring’s “ropes,” and then commanded them to lash out in the direction of Todd’s voice. Seconds later, I heard the imp let out a grunt, and the metal lasso wrapped around his tiny body.

  I drew my goat-headed dagger from its sheath, held it up in front of me, and then commanded the rope to bring my opponent down to me.

  “Broooooooooo!” Todd’s disembodied voice shrieked as he hurled downward.

  I stopped his momentum about a foot away from my blade, but he continued to scream in a high-pitched, girlish tone.

  “Todd?” I tried to get his attention, but it was hard to talk over his scream. “Todd!”

  The imp’s howl died off as his figure reappeared before me. Todd’s eyes were bulging out of his head in horror, and his mouth was still agape in awe at what had just happened. Suddenly, he realized he was visible again, and he changed his entire demeanor into one of disinterest.

  “I totally was expecting that, bro,” the imp said as he cleared his throat macho-like. “Totally knew I was gonna be fine, too. Those wet spots on the center of the ring? Totally pools of sweat from our epic battle and definitely not where I pissed myself out of fear. Nope, I totally meant to lose.”

  “Sure you did.” I rolled my eyes and released the imp from my grasp. “You wanna switch?”

  “Sure thing, Jakey!” Todd nodded vigorously. “I’m tired of pitching. Too much work.”

  I stifled a laugh, but Todd just raised his eyebrow at me inquisitively.

  “I’m sure it is, bro,” I chuckled, “I’m sure it is.”

  I released Todd from his liquid metal restraints, and the imp soared up a few feet into the air before he shook his head intensely.

  “Alright, Toddster,” he muttered to himself, “get your head in the game. You already got bested by your bestie once, and you can’t let it happen again. Be the fucking ball, bro. Who’s the imp that once jerked it six times in one day? You are. Who caused pornvids.com to create an entire new category dedicated to Swedish massage-parlor videos? You fucking did, Toddster.”

  “Uh, are you ready?” I asked, mostly to break up the awkward hype talk.

  “I was born ready, bro!” Todd exclaimed as he slapped himself in the face. “Now, come on. You wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts!”

  I summoned red Hellfire into my hand and launched a large fireball at the imp.

  He swiftly zipped out of the way of the attack, somersaulted in midair, and then came down toward me with his fist extended, superman-style.

  I sidestepped his trajectory and then tried to contain my laughter as the imp smashed into the mat at breakneck speeds.

  There was a loud crash as Todd hit the mat, and then his tiny body flipped up into the air. His arms and legs dragged behind him like a ragdoll before he landed face-down on the mat violently. He started to get up on his hands and knees, but he was groggy as fuck.

  I knew what I had to do.

  I hopped down on my knees, flipped the imp over on his back, and then pinned him like a WWE superstar. I smacked the mat three times as I counted aloud, and then I hopped back to my feet and held my hands in the air as I proclaimed victory.

  “Just go ahead and hand me the title belt now, Todd,” I joked. “I’m the undisputed king of the ring.”

  “That’s … that’s the wrong type of match, bro,” the imp muttered as he wobbled back to his feet. “On second thought, I don’t think I like catching at all. It’s leaving me waaaay more sore than the other way. In fact, I’ll totally go back to pitching twenty-four seven, three-hundred sixty-five days a year.”

  “No homo?” I prompted the imp, but he only looked confused.

  “Why would I need a ‘no homo?’” he questioned. “We’re just two guys, standing in the ring all hot and sweaty, talking about who’s gonna pitch fireballs and who’s gonna catch. Nothing wrong with that, bro.”

  I was kinda glad Ira wasn’t here. She’d be having a field day with this.

  “Very impressive, boys,” Ariel observed as she strutted up to the ring. “I only caught the tail end of your sparring match, but it looks like you were both going all out.”

  “We sure were, Little Mermaid,” Todd lied. “We just went a full twelve rounds, and the judges are still saying it’s too close to call. I really don’t see why, though. Jakey had me on the ropes, but then, while I was down on the mat, I heard my old coach taunting me to get back up. If only he wasn’t accidentally killed by my arch-nemesis … ”

  “I’ve seen Rocky III, Todd,” Ariel mused with a sly grin, “there’s not a single film out there based on athletics that I haven’t watched.”

  “What are you talking about?” the imp gasped innocently. “You know how they said ‘inspired by a true story’ at the beginning of the movie?”

  “I don’t remember that--” Ariel began, but Todd cut her off quickly.

  “Well, that story was me, Little Mermaid,” he finished with a nod. “I totally threatened to sue Stallone, but I felt bad for the guy since, you know, he’s got the whole ‘disabled’ thing … ”

  “Sylvester Stallone isn’t disabled.” I facepalmed. “He just talks like that because when he was born the doctors used the forceps wrong and—”

  “And he pinched them in the nuts and then somersaulted out of his mom’s vajayjay.” Todd shrugged. “I know the story.”

  “The Shades are doing really well with the traini
ng exercise,” Ariel said as she pointed out to the mass of soldiers who were doing the same exercise as Todd and me. “Cupi has been training them very well.”

  “What about you?” I retorted coyly. “Did you successfully pass the test?”

  Ariel’s green eyes lit up as she gave me a bashful look and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “I didn’t need to,” she explained proudly. “I can already tell you I can successfully dodge projectiles. I’m as nimble as a cat.”

  “You can say that again,” I purred as I looked up and down her tight body. “Maybe we should play some ‘pitch and catch’ again sometime.”

  A deep blush crept up Ariel’s face, and she looked down with embarrassment on her face as she let out a giggle.

  “Waaaaaiiiiiittttt,” Todd gasped. “Does ‘pitch and catch’ mean ‘take you to pound town?’ Oh my god … what have I done?”

  The imp stared at his hands with a mix of terror and regret on his face. Then Todd’s expression turned to one of sadness as he hung his head and began to head for the side of the ring.

  “Where are you going, bro?” I asked the sad imp.

  “I was just talking about how much I loved pitching and catching with another dude, and I forgot to say ‘no homo,’” the imp sighed, “I think that means I’m gay now. I need to go tell my parents. And probably that sexy redhead from the diner in Kansas, too. Can I even call her sexy, or does the code completely forbid it?”

  “That’s not how it works, Todd.” I rolled my eyes hard at his over dramatic reaction. “Also, there’s no ‘code.’ It’s not a secret society.”

  Todd’s attitude perked up.

  “Are you saying the Toddster’s got a second chance at being not gay?” he asked hopefully.

  “Uh, sure? I’m just saying that--”

  The imp ran over and wrapped his arms around my leg enthusiastically.

  “Oh, thank you, mighty King Ralston!” he laughed. “The Toddster’s still seein’ straight after all!”

  Suddenly, the imp’s body went rigid, and he yanked himself back off my leg. His eyes met mine as his eyebrows raised curiously.