Tristan pulls away and drapes his arm across my shoulders. “Come on, babe. Let’s go in and check on him.” He opens the door for me, and immediately I see that George and Carol are already in the room, along with Sandy, who is administering a shot of morphine into my father’s upper thigh.
He doesn’t say a word or open his eyes, but when I know he’s fallen asleep, I volunteer to make a pot of coffee. No one wants to leave dad’s side, and if it’s an all-nighter we need to pull, then we’ll need plenty of caffeine to do it.
George follows me down to the kitchen, and I fill the pot with water. Once I've turned it on, I look over to him. “I’m not going to be able to take him back to Australia, am I?” In my heart, I'd known for some time that taking him home to die, probably wasn’t going to be left as an option. But if George confirms it, it will be as if the proverbial nail is hit into my father’s coffin.
His face is so sad. “I don’t think so, sweetheart. He wouldn’t survive the trip. He’s too weak to be moved as it is.”
The moment his words sink in, it hits me. “We’re meant to have another ten months with him. They told us before we left Australia that he had fourteen months,” I whisper. “They all lied to me, George.”
George comes around the island and takes me in his arms. “I’m so sorry, my dear girl.”
I spend the next twenty-four hours by my father’s side. By ten o’clock the next night, Tristan convinces me to go for a drive with him to get some fresh air and clear our heads. I knew he brought the Ferrari around to cheer me up, but it hasn’t worked. Nothing was going to work, so he drives us to the outskirts of Dublin. “I’m going to take a leave of absence from Uni,” he says out of nowhere.
My head is resting against the headrest, and I turn it to face him. My body is too exhausted to try and hold it up on its own. “No, babe. You can’t do that. I appreciate the gesture, but you need to finish your course.” I squeeze his hand in thanks. We met just a few months ago, yet, since then, he hasn’t left my side.
“Are you sure?” he only looks at me for a second, but then turns his attention back to the road. “I already spoke to my parents, and they support my decision. They love you, Cass, and they know how much I love you. It’s not going to be a problem.”
I shake my head again. “You haven’t got much longer to go. I wouldn’t want you to have to extend that.” Truth. I love him so much for just thinking of me, but me and my worries, shouldn’t distract him from his goal. I know how hard it was for him to catch up when he took his gap year or years, should I say. I’m glad he did what he did because I know he's already pulled all of the stupid pranks, slept with countless women, and gotten arrested. I also know that part of his life is done. We can focus on the future without me stressing that he’ll run off on me just so he can have some reckless fun.
“Okay.” He smiles. “But if you change your mind, all you have to do is say the word.”
I raise his hand that rests in mine and kiss it. My eyes then look up and out the window, and I take in our surroundings. “It’s so beautiful out here.”
“It is. Not a lot happens out in this neck of the woods. I like to come out here when I need to clear my head,” he tells me.
“I can understand why.” As I continue to enjoy the night, all of a sudden, a horrid feeling consumes my body, and I stiffen.
“What’s the matter, Cass?”
“We have to get back to the house. Something’s wrong,” the words rush out of me.
Tristan doesn’t ask any questions. He just says, “Okay.” He turns the car around and speeds back to the house. And in a Ferrari, it sure as hell won’t take long.
I grab my phone out of my pocket so I can call George, but I don’t have any signal. ‘What the fuck? Didn’t George buy this damn thing for me so I would always have reception?’ I think as I take a deep breath and slowly let it go.
Within minutes, we pull into the driveway and are met by an ambulance. Before Tristan even has the car pulled to a complete stop, I’m out and running towards dad’s room. I find George standing just outside the door, and he places his hands on my shoulders in a bid to calm me.
“What’s happening?” I ask, desperate for answers.
He ducks his head, trying to look into my eyes, but I am too busy looking over his shoulder, trying to see what the hell is going on behind him. “Your dad woke up in extreme pain and Sandy thought he should be seen by a doctor. She knew he needed extra help with pain relief, and she'd already administered the maximum dose she’s authorized to give him. It just wasn’t enough.” I now look at him as he shakes his head in sadness.
My gaze moves again as I continue to desperately search for any sign that my father’s okay. “Will he be able to come back home with us?” I ask as tears fill my eyes and my gut that is already telling me a truth I don’t want to be confirmed. I know he’d rather die here, rather than in a stuffy hospital room.
George pulls me into his arms and pats my hair. “I can’t say for sure, Cass. I’m sorry. I wish I knew more.”
I cry into his chest. “I just don’t want him spending his last weeks in a sterile hospital room. It would be too impersonal, and it wouldn’t be right for the kind of person he is,” I say as I continue to weep.
“I know, and I’ll try to get him back here, sweetheart. But if the doctors feel he would be better off under their care, medication-wise, we may have to give in.”
I pull away from his arms and furiously wipe my tears with the heels of my palms. “If it comes to that, then I’ll just have to deal with it.” I take a breath and place my hands on my hips to gain some control. “I’m going to go in and see what they’re doing.” I turn and walk into my dad’s room where I see the paramedics moving him onto a stretcher. I hear him cry out in pain, causing tears to run down my face.
As they begin to wheel the stretcher out of the room, I skip to catch up. I take my father’s hand in mine until we reach the elevator. But because the space in the elevator is so small, I let go and race down the stairs to meet them below. I walk again by his side holding onto his hand until he's safely in the back of the ambulance, and I continue to cry while I watch them drive away. As I stand, Tristan comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. I turn and bury my face into his chest and sob.
When I finally manage to pull myself together, I make my way up to my father’s room and pack him an overnight bag. I don’t realize I’ve stopped moving and that I’m just staring at my dad’s bed until Tristan places his hand on my shoulder. Slowly, I raise my head to look at him.
“Are you ready to go?” he asks.
I nod. “Yeah, I think I have everything he might need,” I say looking through the bag just to be sure.
Tristan doesn’t say another word. He just takes my hand and leads me out to the car.
Chapter Ten
“Dad, can you hear me?” I whisper into his ear, but he doesn’t respond. I look around the hospital room and am surprised at the kind of comfort money can buy. You wouldn’t think we were in a hospital room, at all. It’s more like a really nice hotel room. ‘Huh, maybe he wouldn’t mind dying here?’ I think.
The walls are painted a beautiful lilac color, dotted with expensive artwork, and finished off with a huge plasma screen. In the corner of the room, there’s a bed set up so family members can stay and care for their loved ones. This is a practical consideration given we are in the palliative care wing of the hospital.
While resting my butt on the edge of dad’s bed, I see a very tall, very good-looking, blonde nurse enter the room. I gaze over at Tristan who’s by my side and chuckle. “That's going to be one very happy man when he wakes up,” I whisper to him as I point in my father’s direction.
“I shit you not. I was just thinking the same thing,” he chuckles under his breath.
When the laughter subsides, I look back over to the nurse. “Excuse me, Miss,” I call.
When she turns, and I see her face, I'm blown away. This bitch is hot!
And I don’t mean just hot, I mean, I think I’m now a lesbian hot! “Yes, is there anything I can help you with?” she smiles.
I try to get the words to form in my mouth, but I'm completely tongue-tied. Tristan must know what I’m thinking because the asshole starts to laugh at me. “Umm, I just wanted to know how long it will be before my father’s test results will be back from the lab?” The hospital staff had informed me that a myriad of tests had been done on my dad before I’d arrived.
Nurse hottie picks up the chart and reads for a moment. “I’m not too sure, but I have seen the doctor that's assigned to your father’s case, and he’s going through the medical notes taken by the paramedics. I don’t think it will be much longer. It’s clear that your father is in a bad way, so I would assume he will be pushed to the front of the queue. I’ll just duck out and check for you.” She places the chart back down on the side table, checks the bags that are administering the painkillers, and leaves the room.
My butt drops into the seat that's closest to my dad while Tristan stands behind me with his hands on either shoulder. I watch my father’s chest rise and fall, rise and fall, until an older man with white hair and no chin, who I can only assume is a doctor due to the long white coat he’s wearing, enters the room.
He comes over to me and holds his hand out in greeting. I take it and gently shake it. “Hello there, I’m Dr. Henderson. I will be looking after Patrick.” He smiles.
I let my hand fall to my lap. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Cassie, Patrick’s daughter, and behind me is my partner, Tristan.” God, I love saying that. Hopefully, I'll be able to call him, husband, one day.
The doctor leans in and shakes his hand. “So, I have been looking over Patrick’s chart and test results, and I’m afraid to say that they aren’t good. His scans and blood work both indicate that his cancer has now spread to his bones.” Dr. Henderson adjusts his glasses, and I just stare up at him. I have no words. My mind is doing what it does when I can’t cope. It's shut down. I feel numb, and I feel that my world is ending. Stupid? Perhaps. I did know my father was going to be leaving me sooner rather than later, but nevertheless, it’s still devastating.
I hear someone say my name, but I can’t react just yet. “Cassie, Cassie.” It’s Tristan, and he's gently shaking me, but it’s his voice that brings me back, not the movement.
“Sorry,” I whisper.
“Are you okay?” The doctor asks. All I can do is furiously shake my head, while tears fall down my cheeks.
“Does this mean we have less time with him?” I ask. Immediately regretting asking the question because I already know the answer. I just don’t know if I'll be able to handle it when the actual words are spoken.
His smile is sad. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but to be honest with you, I think your father is only still with us due to sheer determination. It's his willpower that's keeping him alive. I don’t wish to frighten you, but could there be someone he's waiting to say goodbye to?”
My mind begins to race, searching for an answer. “My sister,” I breathe. “My sister is meant to arrive on Sunday, but I may need to get her on a plane, now.” The tears won’t stop, my throat is dry and itchy.
“I think that would be well advised. He may not have much longer.”
I can’t even look up at the doctor. I want to scream, cry, and throw everything within my reach all at the same time. I want to take my anger out on something, but I know I can’t. I know it won’t help the situation, but I calm myself and sit and stare at my father lying in his bed. I can’t believe he's only surviving on sheer will alone. “Tristan, call George,” I whisper.
“No problem.” I see Tristan leave the room in my peripheral vision, but my eyes are still focused on my father’s gaunt face.
“I will write down all of my contact and pager numbers. Please do not hesitate to call me at any time,” the doctor says.
I continue to stare at dad until I see a hand in front of me. That's when I snap out of my haze and take the card from the doctor. “Thank you,” is all I manage to whisper.
“Not a problem. I’m so sorry, Cassie. I do have another patient I must check in with. Will you be okay until the young man comes back?” I can see the genuine concern on his face, and I try my best to smile and nod.
I watch as he walks out of the room, and I turn my attention back to my dad. Reaching out, I take his hand in mine. “Dad, if you can hear me, I want you to know how much I love you.” I pause and take a breath before continuing, “I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do next, and I feel so numb.” I cut myself off when Tristan walks back into the room, and I wipe away my tears.
He sits in a chair beside me and takes my free hand in his. “I called George. He’s arranging to get Courtney on a flight as soon as possible.”
“Good, thank you.” I nod my head and turn my attention back to my father.
“Is there anything I can get, or do for you?”
I squeeze his hand. “Don’t leave me,” I whisper.
He lowers himself so he's kneeling beside me. “Of course, I won’t leave you. I love you, Cass.” His words hit my soul, and I begin to cry. When I do, I rest my head on his shoulder, my hand still grasping my father’s.
The sobs become louder and louder, and I find it hard to catch a breath. It takes some time before I can get it under control, but in the end, I do. Tristan’s arms are still enveloping me, and he lets me stay there crying, and he doesn’t say a word.
It isn’t long before George and Carol walk into the room and I quietly greet them.
Carol comes over to hug me first. “I’m so sorry, my girl,” she whispers in my ear.
“Thanks,” I whisper in return.
Next to hug me is George. “I don’t know what to say, my love. I’ve managed to get Courtney on a flight today, so she’ll be here by tomorrow afternoon.”
I look up at him and realize how grateful I am to have these amazing people in my life. If it weren't for them, I’d be back in Australia, watching my father die with little to no support. I’m glad everything’s happening here in Ireland. Selfish, because I have dragged people into a bad scenario? Yes. But I need them. I need them more than they will ever know. I will never in my life be able to give enough back to them. How can I?
“Thank you. The doctor thinks that dad is only surviving because he is waiting to say goodbye to someone. My best guess is that he's waiting for Courtney.” I shrug.
George continues to hold onto me. “I know, I wish I could change things.”
“I know you do and thank you.”
We all sit around dad’s bed, and no one says a word. It’s a comfortable silence, as we are here to support one another. There’s no need for words to be spoken. I guess it’s hard to come out with anything positive at a time like this. What could you possibly say? I remember when we sat around my grandmother’s bed while she was in palliative care, we were able to laugh, but my grandmother was old. She’d lived a long life, but my dad’s a joyful man who's full of life. It just doesn’t seem right that it’s his time to go.
As it’s getting late, George and Carol leave to go home so they can try to get some rest before returning to the hospital in the morning. When they're gone, Tristan comes over to me. “Do you want something to eat, baby girl?”
I look up at him. “No thanks, I’m not hungry. But I would love a coffee.”
“No problem. I’ll be right back.” He bends down and kisses me before leaving the room.
Tristan wasn’t gone very long, but when he returns, he has a tray with two coffees and a plate piled high with doughnuts. I can’t help but smile at him as he hands me my coffee. “Thank you.”
“Doughnut?” He pushes the tray towards me. His eyes begging me to eat something.
“Not at the moment, but I will a little later on.”
He places the doughnuts down on the table, and when he takes his seat next to me, he yawns. “Lie down, baby. You must be exhausted,” I tell him.
He kneels in front of me, moving my legs so that he rests between them, but it isn’t in a sexual way. He just wants to be close. “I am tired, but you also need to sleep. You’ve been up just as long as I have.” He reaches up and brushes a stray hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear.
I shake my head. “I’m okay for the minute. I just want to sit with him a while longer.” I smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes.
Tristan cups my face in his hands and kisses me. When he pulls back, his eyes are on mine. “You do need some rest, sooner rather than later, Cass.”
I curse when my body betrays me and yawns. “I know I need rest and I will, but for now, I want you to lie down. One of us needs to know what the fuck’s going on around here.” This time, when I smile, it does reach my eyes. I’m exhausted, but sleep can come later.
“Yes, ma’am.” He salutes me. How the fuck did I get so lucky?
Once his head is on the pillow, Tristan is asleep within moments. I stay awake all night, watching over my dad. Each time he'd begin to make painful sounds, I’d call the nurse in, and she'd administer extra doses of painkillers. She explained that all they can do for now is keep him comfortable.
For me, the painkillers seemed like a catch twenty-two situation. On one hand, I don’t want my dad to be in any pain, but on the other, I want him awake. I want to talk to him. I want to ask him questions. What questions? I don’t know. I just want to hear him speak so I can remember his voice for all eternity.
Hours later, I’m completely exhausted. I’m done. Tristan woke a few times begging me to sleep, and he tried to assure me he would keep an eye on dad for me, but I just can’t relax, so I continue to sit by his side until Courtney walks into the room, later the next afternoon.
The Beginning Page 19
