Summer of no Regrets

by Kate Mallinder

  It could be nothing. She knows I can’t answer my phone while I’m at work. Bet she was ringing to ask me to pick up something on the way home. It was just my guilty conscience making me jumpy, that’s all.

  I started moving again, only faster this time. I’d hide my shopping in the shed like I’d planned. It’d be all good. I shot down the side passage of our house and stuffed the bags through the shed door and went back round to the front door.

  As I started to unlock the door, it was pulled open.

  ‘Nell! I’ve been worried sick.’

  Mum filled the doorway, her face bright red and her hair pulled up into tufts.

  ‘Hello to you too,’ I said, dripping on the doorstep.

  ‘Don’t you give me cheek, young lady. I’ve been so worried. Where have you been?’

  Alarms went off in my head. As far as she was concerned I’d just been at work and she hadn’t reacted like this on other days I’d been working. I needed to stall for time.

  I stepped inside and slowly closed the door behind me. I couldn’t think straight as my brain was set in scream mode. I needed to clear my head to think.

  ‘Well?’ Mum demanded.

  ‘Well what?’ I said, hoping I could put her off. But it had the opposite effect.

  ‘You know jolly well what. Where have you been? And before you feed me the line that you’ve been at work, I know you haven’t.’

  I gulped. She knew?

  ‘It was so embarrassing. I went past the shop to check that you’d got there OK…’

  Wait? What? ‘You checked up on me?’

  ‘Yes, I always do. I walk past the shop, peep in and then walk on. I like to know you’re safe.’

  ‘This is like living in a dictatorship!’ The words were out before I knew it. I wanted to pull them back in on a string, unsay them.

  ‘How could you?’ Mum spat. ‘I work my fingers to the bone – to the bone, looking after you – it’s my job to make sure you’re safe. And here you are, not giving one thought to your safety. Not considering how I might feel. I hadn’t a clue where you were. All day I’ve been worrying where you might be, who you might be with, what you might be doing. You could have been kidnapped, snatched off the streets and I wouldn’t have known. Murdered in a ditch.’

  Mum was shouting now and her face was purple.

  ‘So, I went into the deli and asked the lady behind the counter where you were.’

  I shut my eyes. The world turned inside out. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I’d only gone to Plymouth. I hadn’t done anything illegal.

  ‘When I tell her I’m your mum, she offers me her sincere condolences. You can imagine both our faces when I have to say I don’t know what she’s talking about. I have never been so embarrassed or so ashamed of you.’

  I pulled open the front door again, and ran out.

  ‘Come here this instant!’ my mother screamed.

  But there was no way I was going back. I didn’t know what to say to her. I just wanted it all to stop. How did I manage to get my life into these knots? I tried so hard to make sure everyone was happy, that I was following the rules, and for what? It was all a total waste of time.

  I could still hear Mum shouting as I reached the end of the street and turned down towards the town. I needed quiet so I could think. The buzz in my head wouldn’t stop. It was like I had a radio playing which only I could hear. Telling me I was wrong, that I’d made the wrong decision, said the wrong thing, not pleased enough people. I wanted it to shut up. How did I make it stop?

  I ran along the quay, to our bench. The rain was still hammering down, but the bench was under a tree, so it was protected from the worst of it. I slumped down, my legs feeling heavy. My back ached. I bent over, my head in my hands. I didn’t know what to do. Mum was mad with me, Dad would know soon if he didn’t already and he’d pull his ‘I’m deeply disappointed in you’ face and Wendy – happy, lovely, thoughtful Wendy, who’d given me the job, who’d altered my apron, who I’d lied to – she would hate me now. Who wouldn’t?

  The water was choppy in the estuary, white crests on the wave tops. Why couldn’t I be better at life? No one else had these problems. Everyone else seemed to be able to manage, why couldn’t I? Mum was going to ground me for sure after this. I wouldn’t be allowed out. I would lose my job. My parents would hate me. And I wouldn’t be able to see my friends for the rest of the holidays.

  My friends. They’d understand, wouldn’t they? I couldn’t go to Cam, not at the moment, she had enough to deal with. But Hetal and Sasha – they’d know what to do.

  Me: Hey H & S, you’ve got to help me out. This summer’s a nightmare. I can’t talk to Cam at the moment – she’s got a crisis going on, but I’ll let her tell you about it when she’s ready. It’s my mum – she’s found out that I lied to go to Plymouth today. She thought I was at work. I told work I was at a funeral. But everyone’s found out everything. I’m sat on our bench and I don’t want to go home, and I don’t want to go anywhere. I know this was supposed to be the summer of #NoRegrets, but I’m kind of regretting that now. I wish I’d never got the job, wish I’d just done what my mum wanted. That wouldn’t have been so hard, would it? Would have saved everyone being so mad with me. Can’t wait for you guys to get home. I’m missing you so badly xxx

  The pain in my chest was getting tighter and my breath was short. It felt like my body was being crushed. What was happening to me? I rubbed at my right arm. Shooting pains ran down to my fingers, which were tingling like I’d put them into hot water after being out on a cold day. My breath was hard to catch.

  I was dying. I was having a heart attack and I was going to die here on this bench. The noises in my head were still chattering on, never shutting up, not stopping.

  ‘Are you alright, dear?’ asked an elderly woman from under her umbrella.

  I shook my head. The pain was so bad I couldn’t speak. All I could feel was the pain in my body, tightening across my chest, the pain when I tried to gasp a breath, the pain in my arms. I was going to die and everyone hated me. I’d messed it all up. And now I was going to mess it up even worse by dying on a bench I wasn’t allowed to be on, by the sea I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near.

  I could hear a siren in the distance. It was getting louder. Perhaps it was just another noise in my head. I saw an ambulance driving through the car park, blue lights flashing. Was that for me? I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my chest. I just had to hang on till they got to me.

  Chapter 21

  Hetal

  I snuck back to my cabin between sessions. There’d been a question about amino acids and I wanted to double-check the facts. Pulling out my textbooks, I looked up the relevant chapters and, skim-reading through the details, I confirmed I’d been right. That was reassuring. I piled them carefully back into my locker. Before I went, I quickly checked my phone for messages. There was a strict no phones in sessions policy.

  One from Nell thirty minutes ago was flashing. I clicked on it and read. She’d never sent a message like that before, she sounded really upset.

  I tried calling her, but after ringing it went to voicemail. A tiny seed of worry sprouted in my mind. She wouldn’t do anything silly, would she? Of course not, it was Nell. Always sensible. But she’d sounded so desperate. What could I do? I was stuck here. I rang her mum’s mobile. I’d been given her number when she’d taken us out for the day once.

  She answered. ‘Yes?’ She sounded flustered.

  ‘Hello. It’s Hetal.’ I didn’t know what to say so I just blurted it out. ‘Is Nell alright?’

  ‘Hetal? Oh. Look, I can’t talk now, I’ve just heard that Nell’s been taken to hospital. I’ve got to go.’The phone went dead.

  Adrenalin surged through my veins. In hospital? What on earth had happened? There was no use in trying Nell’s phone again. I felt so useless I could scream, trapped here, not knowing, not being able to help.

  I knew in an instant what I wanted to do. I call
ed my mum and told her I was coming home, that I would get a lift. Then I texted Cam and Sasha.

  Me: C&S – just spoken to Nell’s mum. Nell’s been taken to hospital. I don’t know why. I’m coming back from camp now. Love you xxx

  I packed my bag and ran to the camp office. Josh was super-understanding and rang a taxi for me. My hands were shaking badly. I was desperate to see Nell. What could be wrong? Was it something to do with her arm? Or had she had an accident? It might be nothing, I tried to tell myself. I could be rushing for nothing, but no matter how rational and logical I tried to be, it didn’t stop me shaking.

  ‘The taxi’s going to be twenty minutes,’ said Josh. ‘No point in waiting here. Why don’t you nip down to the canteen and grab some tea and cake. I’ll keep an eye on your stuff.’

  I thanked him and hurried to the dining hall. It was the break between sessions sessions and the hall was heaving with everyone trying to get drinks and some of the good cake.

  Maddy came up to me. ‘I wondered where you’d gone. Everything OK?’ She looked at my face. ‘It’s not, is it?’

  I shook my head. ‘I’ve just heard that one of my best friends has been taken into hospital. I don’t know why. A taxi is coming in a few minutes. I’m going home.’

  ‘Oh Hetal, I’m so sorry.’ She wrapped her arms around me. I held onto her, not sure if my legs were going to keep me upright on their own.

  ‘Before you go, give me your number. It’d be great to keep in touch.’

  I scribbled it down on a napkin, the numbers looking all squiggly because my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘Looks like someone else missed you last session.’ She nodded towards Finn, who was looking over at us.

  I realised that by leaving, I’d forfeit the trophy for overall winner. Finn would win it, no doubt. A tiny pang of sadness pulled at my heart. But he was worthy. I smiled over at him, and he smiled back.

  ‘Why don’t you tell him you’re going?’ said Maddy, nudging me towards him. ‘You know you’ll regret it if you don’t.’ Her words made me catch my breath.

  Pulling together the last of my shredded nerves, I walked over to Finn. He was still smiling at me.

  ‘I’m leaving,’ I said. His smile vanished.

  ‘What? Now?’

  ‘Yes. My friend’s in hospital.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’ He stood, shuffling his feet a bit. ‘I’ll miss you.’

  ‘You will?’

  ‘Of course. You’re, well, you’re awesome. I’ve never met anyone like you before.’

  I stared at him. My brain had crashed.

  ‘Hetal!’ called Josh. ‘Your taxi’s here.’

  ‘Got to go.’ I hurried out of the hall. I could already feel regret seeping through me because I’d left that conversation unfinished. All the things I’d left unsaid. I stopped. I didn’t want that regret.

  I walked back into the hall, up to Finn, who had a surprised look on his face. My hands were shaking anyway, so it didn’t matter if it was for a different reason now. I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed him.

  ‘Maddy’s got my number,’ I said.

  Then before I could combust, I rushed from the dining room a second time. No regrets. I flew along the paths, back to the office and dived into the waiting cab. Josh had already put my bags into the car and he shut the door behind me.

  ‘Hope your friend’s OK,’ he called as the car pulled away. Finn came running up behind him, and I could see them both waving as the car drove me down the road. Away from the bubble of camp and back into the real world. Back to my parents, back to my nani and back to my friends.

  I fiddled with the tassels on my hoodie as I checked and checked my phone. Still no word from Nell. Or Cam and Sasha. Where was everyone? I hated not knowing. I sat in the back of the car, willing the driver to speed up, willing him to get me to the station in time to catch the earlier train.

  ‘You heading home, are you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘Science camp not for you then?’

  ‘Oh no. It’s not that. It’s just my friend…’ My voice stuttered to a stop.

  He must have sussed I didn’t want to talk as he kept quiet after that, which gave my brain space to rampage. I was fighting the urge to list all the awful reasons Nell could be in hospital. It wasn’t going to help. I had to stay calm. I leaned my head back against the headrest. Square breathing would help – the symmetry of it pulled me in.

  I breathed in 2, 3, 4.

  Held my breath 2, 3, 4.

  Breathed out 2, 3, 4.

  Held again 2, 3, 4.

  I clung to the numbers and the rhythm until I felt my muscles relax and my heart rate slow. I had to be calm for Nell.

  Chapter 22

  Cam

  Boris knew I was sad. He had always known when I was, ever since I first arrived at Jackie and John’s. He was grey around his muzzle now and there were thin patches on his back, but he still knew when something was wrong. He laid his head on my lap, his eyes twitching up to look at me. I stroked his head. Jackie knew too. She’d brought me a hot chocolate with marshmallows – her remedy for most of life’s problems.

  She eased herself into the chair opposite the sofa.

  ‘Cam? Are you going to tell me what’s going on? And don’t tell me it’s nothing, because it’s as plain as day that there’s something wrong. Did you fall out with Nell?’

  ‘No.’ How could I tell her? She’d be so upset.

  ‘Listen,’ said Jackie, ‘whatever it is, we can sort it. But I can’t help if I don’t know. There’s nothing you can say that’s going to change how I feel about you.’

  I looked into her dark eyes and knew that what she said was true. She was one of the world’s good people.

  ‘I met my birth father today,’ I said quietly. I let the words hang. It was no longer a secret. Jackie said nothing. Her face didn’t change.

  ‘I found him online. I knew his name was Phil Mirren. Mum had told me that, years ago. I don’t know what made me start looking. Curiosity, I guess. Wanting to know where I come from? Perhaps to have someone in my life when I’m thirty. He works at a company in Plymouth, so me and Nell went and waited outside, to see if he’d come out at lunchtime.’

  Jackie still said nothing. I closed my eyes, remembering what had happened. Remembering his face.

  ‘He had my eyes.’ My voice cracked a little. I heard a shuffle and Jackie sat down on the sofa next to me.

  ‘That must have felt a bit … funny,’ she said. ‘Did it?’

  I nodded, looking at her now. ‘Really weird. When I saw his picture online I knew I’d got the right person because he looked exactly like me.’

  ‘Did you talk to him?’

  I nodded again. ‘I know it’s not the way I should have done it. I wasn’t even sure that I would speak to him. I didn’t want to cause a big fuss and then decide I didn’t want to do anything about it. I was only there to see him.’

  ‘But when you saw him, you went and spoke to him?’ said Jackie.

  ‘Yes. I had so many questions. And I wanted to hear what his voice sounded like. Does that sound corny?’

  ‘Not at all.’

  ‘But when I said who I was, he went all funny. Said I wasn’t to contact him again. Never again.’

  I didn’t feel like crying, but I could feel sadness sitting on me like a rock. Why would someone not want to know their own daughter? It didn’t make sense.

  Jackie put her arm around me. ‘Oh, sweetheart.’ She squeezed me tight. ‘There’ll be a reason why he said that, I’m sure.’

  ‘But like what?’ I felt like shouting. What could possibly be more important?

  ‘You might have surprised him. He’d popped out for a sandwich and found a daughter. Not what you’d call a usual lunch break.’

  I guess. Nell had said something similar.

  ‘Or he might have felt embarrassed that he didn’t know, or hadn’t been involved. People can get pretty good at l
ying to themselves, but when the truth presents herself, they react in some very strange ways.’

  She might have a point.

  ‘What do you want to do now?’ Jackie asked.

  I looked at her. What did she mean, what did I want to do?

  ‘He said I mustn’t contact him again.’

  ‘We could get your social worker involved. She’ll be able to find out more. Register your interest to meet him should he change his mind. Act as a mediator.’

  I nodded. That sounded good. I wouldn’t have to do it. Someone would make my case for me.

  ‘You should have told us,’ said Jackie. ‘It could have gone really badly. You could have been hurt. You didn’t know anything about him. But that said, I can’t help feeling so proud of you, Cam.’

  She was smiling. She was proud of me?

  ‘You’ve had a tough start in life and you are turning into the most incredible young woman in front of our eyes. I can’t believe how confident and strong you are. And if your birth father decides he doesn’t want to know you, it is all his loss. Because those of us who are privileged to know you, know that you are a caring, fiercely loyal person.’

  Her eyes were shining. I blinked a bit. Must be an eyelash.

  ‘But never too big for a hug,’ she said and hugged me tight. Boris got all excited and woofed between us. I laughed and scratched his ears. My heart still ached but the heaviness was gone.

  When Papa John got in, we had tea together, the three of us, and he made us laugh about a customer who’d come in, a plumber who’d made even a blocked drain seem funny.